Language

In the midst of an argument or discussion we can often find ourselves clarifying what we meant to say, but somehow it did not come out the way we intended. To improve critical thinking it is important that we work at being sure we say what we mean. This way, when we are engaged in arguments dealing with problem, decision, conflict, or relationship issues with others, they with will have a clearer understanding of what the issues are at stake. The following examples bring this issue home in a meaningful way.

When the order is ready, the waiter takes it to the Panda. The Panda eats the meal, pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and runs out of the restaurant.

The owner of the restaurant goes running after the Panda. When the restaurant owner finally catches up to the Panda, he asks, "Why did you shoot the waiter?" The Panda tells the owner to look up 'Panda' in the dictionary.

The owner goes back to the restaurant and looks up 'Panda' in the dictionary. Under 'Panda' it says: Eats shoots and leaves.

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road carrying a basket of eggs. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the Bunny jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny. Much to his dismay, the Easter Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. Fifty yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another fifty yards, turned, waved, hopped another fifty yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Language The Power of a Word

We know that language is used to inform, explain, and persuade. Often times we are not paying attention to how a message is being sent but rather only listen for the message itself. This can really lead to faulty critical thinking since we are not looking for the subtle nuances which impact the real meaning of the message being sent. The following stories are perfect examples of such a situation.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service was it, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

When I was younger, I hated going to weddings...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 am; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance. The winner gets to go back to his job.

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bar is completely empty, except for he and the bartender. He is sitting there drinking when he hears "hey, that's a nice tie." He looks around, nobody is there except the bartender. He shrugs it off and goes back to his drinking.

After a few seconds he hears "hey, I like that shirt." He looks around, and the bartender isn't even in the room. He is really confused but goes back to his drinking. After a little time goes by he hears "Hey, you look really nice today."

He looks around and only sees the bartender at the end of the bar. He is really confused and says to the bartender "I think I'm going crazy. I keep hearing all these voices saying nice things, and there is nobody else in the bar. You are all the way over there and not even in the room sometimes. I guess I'm going crazy.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes." The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother the Southwest always pulls out on time."

You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book. Thank thee.

A guy goes into his Therapist and says, "all day and night I've been arguing with myself, I can't decide if I am a Teepee or a Wigwam." The Dr. Says, "Relax, I know what your problem is.....your too tents!"

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

See

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"

"That would suit me fine!!"

So, Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.....

Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his boss. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes that the seat is located in the last row in the corner farthest from the field. But halfway through the first quarter, he notices an empty seat right on the 50-yard line, so he makes his way over to it. Before he sits down though he asks the man next to him, " Excuse me, is someone sitting here?" The man says no. "Wow," says Bob. "Who would have a Super Bowl ticket and not use it?" "Well, actually," says the man, "the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to bring my wife but she died. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been at together since we were married back in '69." "I'm sorry," says Bob, "But couldn't you bring a friend or relative?" "No," answers the man. "They're all at the funeral."

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar there were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!'"

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.

Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

A priest wanted to raise money for the Church: he was told that there was a fortune in horse racing so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey and race him. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the race sheet carried the headlines "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in a race again. This time it won. The papers read "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The bishop was so enraged with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper read "BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS." The bishop fainted at this headline. When he recovered, he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby convent and the headlines read "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop was admitted to the hospital for heart failure. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The papers read, "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day.

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign which reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Tampa, Florida. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But this time the sign reads "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor. Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the Florida now. It's a local call."

In Sunday School, the youths were being taught how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when the instructor told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Several days later, Johnny's mother noticed her son lying down and moaning as though he were ill. She approached, put a hand on his forehead and asked, "Johnny what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side... I think I'm going to have a wife!"

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion. And that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "A woman that special will cost an arm and a leg."

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars." Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" he shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally: he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "You have here exactly 1586 sheep!" "This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep" says the shepherd.

He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant" says the shepherd. "This is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?" "Easy", answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the answer to, and you don't know crap about my business because you took my dog."

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "I realize you're blind, so I'm cutting you some slack. Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "No! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Tools for Improving Your Critical Thinking - Stories off Email Postings to Test Your Critical Thinking

Language 1

Language: Say What You Mean

Language The Power of a Word