 Tools for a
Balanced Lifestyle
A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and
Increase of Energy
Chapter 7: Impact of
Sexuality on Body Image and Weight
III. CHILD Workout on Sexual Intimacy
Cavepeople didn't give
sexual intimacy much time or thought because they considered sexual
relationships as an ordinary part of everyday living. They did not have a
plethora of self-help books available to them to clarify the sexes roles in
relationships. They were not worried about the lack of communications in a
relationship. They took their relationships with their sexual partners as an
every day occurrence and did not fret about it. They entered relationships with
facility and ease. There were some mating rituals, but often their parents
already prearranged their partners when they were infants. The war of the sexes
and the risks in entering a sexually intimate relationship with a partner were
minimized by the rules and cultural traditions under which they lived. This is
not so true in today's society. Do you fear taking the risk of getting back into
or maintaining an intimate relationship with a partner? Are you afraid of being
vulnerable to the possibility of being hurt and rejected? Do you find yourself
feeling insecure when a potential partner comes into your life? Are you not sure
if this may result in the same abuse you have experienced in relationships
before? Do you find it hard to trust anyone enough to establish an intimate and
sexual relationship with that person? Do you wish you could continue to hide
yourself so that you don't have to deal with intimacy and sexuality? Is your
body size, excessive weight and compulsive eating a clue to your openness to
your sexuality and willingness to share yourself intimately with a partner? Is
it difficult for you to consider initiating or maintaining a Balanced Lifestyles
program in your life? Is the fear that once your body size is smaller and weight
is better under control that you will be faced with sexual advances and offers
from others? Are you afraid that such advances will become a threat to the
safety from future sexual abuse and failed intimate relationships you have
established for yourself by maintaining your excessive fat? Are you at the same
time concerned that you are not "normal" because you cannot maintain a
sexually intimate relationship with a partner? Are you worried that you are
"sick" because you are not able to give and receive love with an
intimate partner? Do you want to change your ability to be intimate and sexual
with a partner? If you are ready to open yourself up to become intimate with
your current or a future (or your current) partner then you need to do this
CHILD workout on Sexual Intimacy. It will nurture your enough to maintain your
commitment to continue to work on your Balanced Lifestyle so you will become
more sensuous, sexual, attractive, willing and motivated to have sexual intimate
with a loving partner.
The first step is to CALM
yourself down by clarifying for yourself what are the issues in sexual
intimacy, which you need to do more self-nurturing in.
To do this consider the following issues in sexual intimacy and select
the ones you need to do more CHILD work on:
1. Risk Taking
This is the opening of
yourself to change your sexual feelings and dealings with others to allow
yourself to establish an intimacy with a partner. This is a gamble that you may
experience rejection or abuse from this person. It requires an investment of
time, energy, ability and action to take the behavioral steps necessary to
result in the change in your current status of intimacy and sexual fulfillment.
There are pros and cons involved in taking the risk and you enter it openly and
willing considering that to stay stagnant is not a choice anymore if you want
your sexuality to grow. For a more complete description, read On
Becoming a Risk Taker, in Tools for
Personal Growth.
2. Vulnerability
This is the willingness to
take risks and chances to try new ways of dealing with intimacy and sexuality
with others even though the outcome is unsure. It is the opening of yourself to
the possibility of growing as a sexual and sensual person in physical, emotional
and spiritual ways. It is the opening of yourself to the possibility of being
taken advantage of by another person in an intimate and sexual relationship with
the belief that the risk is worth the taking if you are ever to experience
personal growth and the 3 Increases of this program of Health, Happiness and
Energy. For a more complete description, read Becoming
Vulnerable, in Tools for Personal Growth.
3. Developing Trust
This is the ability to let
another person into your life in an intimate and sexual way so that you and this
person can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect,
caring and concern to assist one another to grow and mature independently of one
another. This is the glue or cement of an intimate and sexual relationship,
which allows you and your partner to feel at ease and safe so that there is a
reduced fear of abuse. This is the placing of confidence in your partner and
yourself that you both will be supportive and reinforcing of each other's
sexuality, sensuousness, individuality and your efforts to maintain the Balanced
Lifestyles Program in your life. For a more complete description, read Building
Trust, in Tools for Personal Growth.
4. Developing a Security
in Self
This is the allowing of
yourself to believe in yourself as a sexual being and to accept your sexuality
and sensuality as being "good enough” to be seen and admired by others.
This is believing that you are adequate, competent and capable of handling an
intimate and sexual relationship with a partner in a healthy, wholesome and
growth promoting way. This is the accepting that life is unpredictable but that
your are willing to accept the risk and challenge to grow by opening yourself up
to be vulnerable by becoming intimate and eventually sexual with a partner who
is reinforcing and supportive to you. This is an inner directedness, which is
clear about your desire to maintain all aspects of the Balanced Lifestyles
Program in your life. This means your goals are clear, where you want to go in
life is clear and what responses are appropriate for you for the events or
outcomes life might bring are clear. For a more complete description, read Handling
Insecurity, in Tools for Personal Growth.
5. Establishing Intimacy
This is the establishing of
a sense of oneness, unity and uniqueness with a partner. It is the mutual
respect, recognition and approval of each other's needs to be a sexual and
sensuous person. It is a shared sexuality and love, which culminates in loving
sexual intercourse. It involves a nonpunitive, nonabusive and noncoercive
environment in which both partners feel safe. It is the sharing of tenderness,
caring and affection, which results in increased closeness and proximity. It
requires you to unmask yourself to make yourself take the risk to be vulnerable
in a loving, trusting and secure relationship with a partner who supports your
efforts to grow and gain the 3 Increases of this program of Health, Happiness
and Energy. It requires a firm commitment, agreement or contract between
partners to be mutually supportive, understanding and accepting of each other.
For a more complete description, read Handling
Intimacy, in Tools for a Relationship.
Once you have identified
which of the 5 sexual intimacy issues you need more work on, and then you are
ready to CALM yourself down by mirror work. In this mirror work you visualize
yourself talking to your inner spirit or inner child with your Higher Power
present during this dialogue. As you stand in front of the mirror look at your
body as a sexual being which is healthy, pure and deserving to be sexually
intimate with a healthy, wholesome partner who will give you respect and
understanding. As you feel the presence of your inner child and Higher Power
begin to INFORM yourself of affirmations and information about: risk
taking, vulnerability, developing trust, developing a security in self and
establishing intimacy which you have decided you need if you are to grow in your
sexuality and sensuousness. In your INFORMING try to help yourself HEAL from
previous hurt and pain you may have received from the abuse, rejection or non-acceptance
you received from unhealthy sexual partners in the past.
As you INFORM yourself let a sense of self-LOVE grow in you so
that you feel safe and ready to accept yourself as a person deserving a healthy
and wholesome sexual intimacy with a partner. As you experience this LOVE for
self then DIRECT yourself to take actions which will encourage your
growth, such as maintaining or implementing the Balanced Lifestyle Program in
your life by changing your relationship with food and exercise and changing how
you deal with emotions in foodless ways. Write a script for your Sexual Intimacy
CHILD workout similar to this one:
SEXUAL INTIMACY MIRROR
WORK SCRIPT
I love you. You are OK
just the way you are. Your body is sexual and sensual and I want to increase its
ability to establish and maintain a healthy intimacy and sexuality with a healthy partner. My Higher Power I ask You for the strength to grow in
my ability to take risks to be vulnerable with others. I ask You for the
strength to build a relationship with a partner while feeling secure in myself
and my abilities to handle such a relationship. I ask you for the
strength to establish an emotionally intimate relationship with a partner based
on mutual respect and acceptance before I involve myself sexually. I ask You for
the strength to say NO to any sexual offer which is too premature and not
reasonable for me to accept. My
Inner Child, I ask you to help me feel OK about taking risks which could result
in my being rejected. I know that my approval is all that I need in life and so
I ask you to remind me of this if such rejection should come. My Inner Child I
ask you to give me the courage to open myself to be vulnerable in
a relationship. I accept that unless I open myself up to the possibility of
being hurt and rejected I will never be able to grow and experience the fullness
of the new life I am trying to gain by the Balanced Lifestyle Program. My Inner
Child I ask you to help me develop trust in another person and to let go of the
past hurt and pain which keeps me frozen and insulated from others. My Inner
Child I ask you to be my inner source of security to keep me grounded, goal
directed and committed to maintaining my Balanced Lifestyle as I engage in
developing (or improving) an intimate relationship with a partner. Lastly my
Inner Child I ask you to be an ALARM BELL, by your intuition and instincts, to
keep me clear if I do not have a healthy intimacy with a partner. I ask you to
give me the internal push to end a relationship in which I am not respected,
supported, understood or accepted for who I am. I promise you my Inner Child,
Higher Power and Self that I will work my hardest to maintain my Balanced
Lifestyle Program and work at continuing to change the way I relate to food and
exercise. I promise you that I will continue to address my emotional responses
to life in a food free way. I promise you that I will grow in my ability to take
risks, be open to being vulnerable, developing trust, developing a security in
myself and establish healthy sexual intimacy with a loving, caring and
affectionate partner. I will maintain my weight loss and changed body image as I
grow in healthy sexuality and sensuousness and will no longer use food or weight
to isolate me from them. I will do this mirror workout as long as it
takes for me to establish healthy sexual intimacy with the partner of my choice.
Use your CHILD script as
often as you can until you find yourself feeling comfortable with your sexuality
and realize that you have an increased ability to take risks, be vulnerable,
develop trust develop a sense of security in yourself as a sexual and sensuous
person and are able to establish healthy sexual intimacy with the partner of
your choice. Once you are feeling better about your sexuality then your are
ready for the LET GO work of establishing healthy sexual intimacy boundaries so
that you do not lose yourself in your relationship with your partner.
An alternative to simple Mirror Work was suggested by
Kathleen. She calls it Prayer Walk Strength and Mirror Work Script: It
involves: Carrying a lightweight, full-length mirror...
Moving through the living environment... Speaking the words of
the script...
In her own words: Kathleen said in her
August 18, 2003 email-I've worked at
your "Balanced Life" site since
December, 2002. JOYFULLY. And I'm determined,
now, to give back. Could a new
idea of mine be useful?
Tools for Coping Related
Readings:
1. Self-Esteem
Seekers Anonymous - The SEA's Program Manual
2. Tools
for Personal Growth
3. Tools
for a Relationship
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