 Tools for a
Balanced Lifestyle
A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and
Increase of Energy
Chapter 7: Impact of
Sexuality on Body Image and Weight
II. ANGER Workout on Sexuality Related Issues
Cavepeople were too busy to
get angry over sexually related issues in their lives because they were too busy
trying to survive. They did not question the role of sexuality in their lives
and accepted it as nature's way of insuring that they would have additional
hands in the future to pitch in to work at the survival game. Cavepeople did not
use passive aggressiveness nor revenge tactics in their sexual relationships
because they lacked the anger related to sexuality which underlies such
behaviors. They did not use sarcasm or humor to sexualize every aspect of their
lives or to put down others with, because they needed to keep everyone in their
lives as their allies so as to work together for mutual survival. They did not
engage in silent withdrawal from engaging in sexual relationships because they
did not have the time or leisure to waste in avoiding contact with one another.
How about you? Do you engage in passive aggressive, revenge tactics, sexually
related sarcasm or silent withdrawal from sexual relationships due to your anger
over sexuality related issues? If the answer is yes or you are unsure then
proceed with the following ANGER Workout on such issues to see how to rid
yourself of the anger which underlies such behaviors.
The first thing you need to
do is to ACCEPT you harbor anger about sexuality related issues. To do
this you will need to decide if you participate in anger related sexual
behaviors by considering the following descriptions:
1. Passive Aggressive
Sexual Behaviors
These behaviors are subtle
and not so easily recognized at first. They involve your stated willingness and
desire to have an active sex life and yet your behaviors say you don't want to
have a sexual relationship. You might tease and be a come on to your potential
sexual partner and then do not engage in the sexual activities, which you have
telegraphed verbally, or nonverbally a desire to participate in. You might be
engaged in a "loving relationship" with a significant partner and yet
allow your weight to increase and your body to become less sexually desirous and
thus fend off the sexual advances of your partner. You might not even be aware
you are doing these passive aggressive behaviors and as such are out of touch
with the anger, which underlies these behaviors. You may have been sexually
abused either overtly or covertly and have a confused message about sexuality in
your emotional center. On one hand you love to be loved and wanted but on the
other hand you dislike and hate sexual activity because of the pain and hurt it
once brought into your life when you were abused. You have come to hate the act
of sex rather than the people who abused you with it. You have turned against
sexuality and its activities but verbalize that you enjoy and want sex in your
life. You have probably disassociated or numbed yourself of the pain of the
previous sexual abuse and you need to do massive ANGER Workouts to rid yourself
of your rage and anger over your sexual violations so that you can free your
inner self from the torment and pain which sexuality brings to your subconscious
life. If you are unsure if you are passive aggressive with your sexuality at
this point ask a significant person in your life if you appear to be passive
aggressive sexually or ask your support group in this program to help you sort
this out. For a more complete description of these behaviors read Eliminating
Passive Aggressiveness, in the Tools for
Anger Work-Out.
2. Revenge Seeking Sexual
Behaviors
These behaviors again are
subtle and not easily recognized as revenge behaviors. You might have been or
still are promiscuous having sexual relationships with many people and not
limiting your involvement to a monogamous sexual relationship. Or you may find
that you are very aggressive and at times close to violent in the act of having
sexual relations with a partner. Your partner might even have commented at times
that some of your physical actions hurt or were painful. Or you know that your
sexual partner would like for your body to be slimmer and yet you persist in
gaining weight and getting bigger despite this wish of your partner. You find
yourself eating more and "pigging out" when your sexual partner makes
mention of body size or weight issues. If you are engaging in revenge seeking
behaviors this may be because you have been abused verbally, emotionally,
physically and/or sexually by your current partner or in the past, by someone of
the same sex as your current sexual partner. You have submerged a grudge and
chip on your shoulder against the abuser and at the subconscious level seek
revenge by your behaviors sexually with your current partner who is of the same
sex as your previous abuser. This is even clearer if your current sexual partner
has also been the abuser. If you are unclear now if you use revenge tactics in
your sexual relationships ask your current sexual partner, or a significant
person in your life or your support group in this program to help you sort this
out. For a more complete description of these behaviors read Eliminating
Revenge, in the Tools for Anger Work-Out.
3. Sexually Related
Sarcasm
These behaviors entail the
sexualizing of things, which are said by others so that there is a sexual
connotation given to most things. These can be "jokes" about such
things as cutting off a guy's penis or licking or touching a gal's breasts.
There is generally a lack of respect or appropriate demeanor connected with
these sarcastic comments and jokes. There is so much sexualizing that it makes
people around you uncomfortable at times. You might make jokes or comments about
both sexes but it still is unsettling to others to have so much focus in a
conversation put on sexually related topics with such irreverence and humor
attached. You might even justify your large body size and excess weight in a
sexual connotation by statements such as: "There is more of me to love when
I am this big." or "Wouldn't you just love to get your hands on all
this flesh." You might use this sarcasm and sexually related humor to be a
cover up for your obesity and the shame or embarrassment you have over your body
size and looks. You might have also been abused sexually either overtly or
covertly which resulted in your early developmental years so sexualized by the
sexual abuse that you do not know that it is socially unacceptable or
inappropriate to focus so much on sexually related topics in normal
conversation. The sarcasm is a sign that there is anger inside of you about your
sexuality and the sarcasm is used as a shield to hide your hatred and dislike
for sexually related issues in your life. If you are having a difficult time
determining if you use sexually related sarcasm then ask significant people in
your life or the support group in this program to help you sort this out.
For a more complete description of these behaviors read Handling
Hostility, Sarcasm and Cynicism, in the Tools
for Anger Work-Out.
4. Silent Withdrawal
from Sexuality
These behaviors involve your
withdrawal from all sexually related behaviors in your life. You choose to be
asexual by these behaviors. You put on weight and grow large so that your
sexuality can be hidden. You refuse to engage in any relationship which might
end up with any sexual activity involved. You keep yourself from discussing
sexual matters with others. You are very uncomfortable with this topic being
brought up in this program. You reason: "I have survived so far without
having to deal with my sexuality, why do I need to deal with it in this program
which involves changing my relationship with food and exercise and how to deal
with my emotions in a food free way." You have distanced yourself from all
comments or looks of a sexual nature, which have been given you by others. You
find that by being a hermit hiding in your cave of fat that you are safe from
having to engage in anything sexual at all. You are probably a victim of sexual
abuse, be it overt or covert, earlier in your lifetime. It was so traumatic that
you stuffed your anger and rage over it and have pulled in and withdrawn your
self sexually. You need to recognize that the actions which hurt and caused you
pain sexually have resulted in your turning off from your sexuality. Actually,
it is your anger over this hurt and pain which really needs to be addressed so
that you can be freed emotionally to have a more healthy, happy and energized
life which this program promises. If you are not sure you are silently
withdrawing sexually ask significant people in your life or the support group in
this program to help you sort this out. For a more complete description of these
behaviors read Silent Withdrawal, in the Tools
for Anger Work-Out.
Once you have ACCEPTED that
you engage in either or all of the anger based behaviors of sexual passive
aggressiveness, sexual revenge seeking, sexually related sarcasm or silent
withdrawal from sexuality then you are ready to proceed to the next stop of the
ANGER Workout.
You now need to NAME
what you are angry at by writing down in your journal full descriptions of what
has transpired in your past to affect your sexuality negatively today. You need
to decide, for each of the anger based sexual behaviors you engage in, who was
involved in your past or current life who stimulated the sexually related anger,
which you now display. NAME these people and the deed they did to you, which
have caused you pain and hurt emotionally, physically and/or sexually. NAME why
it was that you were afraid to vent your anger when these abusive behaviors
occurred. Finally you need to NAME and declare the hatred, rage and disgust you
have for these people who have affected you so deeply to this day.
Once you have taken the time
to NAME each guilty abusive party, you are now ready to GET IT OUT by
using one of the many ANGER Workout mechanism available such as yelling,
pounding a weight bag or beating on pillows etc. As you GET IT OUT, be clear to
get your anger out over the person who did the "bad" sexually related
behavior and not at your sexuality itself. You might think you are angry at your
sexuality because it has brought you so much pain and hurt. But remember that it
was not your sexuality at fault, it was a person who was stupid, inconsiderate,
evil, sick, demented, obnoxious, disrespectful, brutish, callous etc who did the
action that you are really angry at. Keep the focus of your GETTING IT OUT on
the perpetrators of your sexual violations and not on your sexuality so that you
will be able to experience the next step of the ANGER Workout.
Once you have fully GOTTEN
OUT your anger over the perpetrators of the sexual violation and abuse in your
life you will feel ENERGIZED and more full of life. You will feel more
relaxed and at peace with your sexuality and want to improve its health by
implementing the Balanced Lifestyle more in your life. You will find that you
will engage less in the anger related behaviors of sexual passive
aggressiveness, sexual revenge seeking, sexually related sarcasm or sexual
silent withdrawal. You will be more committed to accepting healthy and wholesome
sexuality and sensuousness as a desired part of your new Balanced Lifestyle.
Once you experience being
ENERGIZED you will finally be ready to take the last step of the ANGER Workout
which is to RESUME your life with a new commitment to initiate the
Balanced Lifestyle in your life so that you can gain the 3 Increase of the
program of Health, Happiness and Energy so that you can have a fuller, richer
and healthier sexuality which can be shared openly and honestly with others.
Once you have completed your
ANGER Workout you are ready to proceed to a CHILD workout on increasing your
interpersonal intimacy with others in your life.
Related Tools for
Coping Series Readings
1. Self-Esteem Seekers
Anonymous- The SEA's Program Manual
2. Tools
for Anger Work-Out
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of Sexuality on Body Image and Weight
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