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Abuse ALERT
Abuse ANGER
Abuse CHILD
Abuse LETGO
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 Tools for a
Balanced Lifestyle
A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and
Increase of Energy
Chapter 6: Impact of
Abuse on Problems with Body Image and Weight
I. An ALERT on Abuse
Issues
Cavepeople may have
experienced abuse in their lives, but the abuse came from the harshness and
hardness of their survival existence. The abuse came from nature and not
necessarily man. Cavepeople did not have a major concern about their
psychological health since they were more obsessed with their physical health
and survival. Being born in the twentieth century brings blessings as well as
negatives. Unfortunately we are all burdened by the pain of abuse in our lives.
This abuse has many faces, it can be done intentionally but more frequently it
is done unintentionally. The abuse has a direct impact on the weight and body
image problems which prevent you from being successful in fully implementing the
Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle in your life. How aware are you of the impact of
past and present abuse on you? Do you know the many types of abuse which affect
your motivation to change your life? Do you recognize that you have messages
inside of you which were placed there by the many forms of abuse you have
received in your life? Do you recognize that your inability to fully commit to
this program of lifestyle change is sabotaged by the abuse in your past against
which you are still trying to insulate yourself from? What follows is an ALERT
on the issue of abuse and its impact on your life so that you can answer some of
these questions raised.
In addressing the impact of
abuse on your efforts to change your body image and weight you first need to ASSESS
if you are suffering from the impact of abuse in your life. To do this you need
to understand the definitions of abuse. Abuse can be either overt or covert.
Overt Abuse:
is abuse done to you in the open so that it is obvious to you that it is being
done to you. It is intentional abuse where the perpetrator of the abuse knows
what he or she is doing to you and does it anyway with no regard for the
negative consequences, which might follow.
Covert Abuse:
is abuse done to you in a more subtle and hidden fashion so that it is less
obvious to you that it is being done to you. It is unintentional on the part of
the perpetrator who is not aware of what he or she is doing and how it may
negatively impact you in the future.
There are four categories of
abuse: verbal, emotional, physical and sexual.
Verbal Abuse:
is the use of negative and hurting names, words and statements which create a
great deal of psychological pain and leave scars which take years to heal. You
may be so hurt by verbal abuse that you chose to insulate yourself from it in
the future by putting weight on to protect yourself from the sharp attack you
feel when it happens. The more fat on your body the greater defense against the
verbal attacks is a self-destructive rationale, which frequently results from
verbal abuse.
Emotional Abuse:
is the criticism, judgments and put downs which create psychological and emotional pain and hurt which last a lifetime. Emotional abuse can
also occur by neglect of significant others in your life by what is not said which
needs to be said, such as "You are a wonderful person just the way you are
and not for how your body looks or how much weight you have lost."
Emotional abuse teaches you to not accept yourself unconditionally and puts you
on the guard to be sure that you are perfect and "good enough" to
avoid future criticism, judgment or put down. To defend yourself from future
pain and hurt of emotional abuse you may have worked hard to make yourself
invisible by insulating yourself from others. You might not have isolated
yourself socially, but you may have used food to medicate and nurture yourself
and used the resulting fat to "hide" you from the emotionally abusive
comments or the neglectful absence of positive comments from others.
Physical Abuse:
is the use of physical aggression on your body be it: whipping, beatings,
punching, pushing, slugging, shoving, spankings, switching or other extreme
physical acts such as locking in closest or rooms, tieing you up, placing you in
life threatening circumstances such as making you get out of a car into a busy
street to punish you. This physical abuse could also be related to your eating
and weight control where others, be they family or professional weight control
specialists, placed you into severe diet regimens, starvation diets, surgery to
staple or block your stomach, or other life threatening forms of weight
management. To defend yourself from physical abuse you might have felt the need
to become "stronger" or "bigger" than the perpetrator which
would lead you to eat and gain weight until you were "big and strong
enough" to fight off or control against future aggression.
Sexual Abuse:
is any unwanted sexual look, touch or act, which makes you, feel uncomfortable
in a sexual way. You may have been sexually molested as a child or raped as an
adult. This also includes the unwanted "wolf whistles" and leers from
members of the
opposite sex after you have lost weight and were thinner. As a result of sexual
abuse be it overt or covert, you may feel vulnerable and fragile sexually.
Somehow you believe that your sexuality has gotten you into trouble and
therefore sexuality is bad. You then might proceed to "hide" your
sexuality by layers of fat so that no further unwanted sexual advances will
occur which cause you emotional, psychological and/or physical pain.
Once you have understood the
distinctions of abuse: overt and covert and the categories of abuse: verbal,
emotional, physical and sexual, you are ready to proceed to the next ALERT step.
Your second task is to LESSEN the impact of abuse in your efforts to
change your body image and implement the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles efforts
in your life. To LESSEN the impact of the negative messages you received
in your abuse you need to identify them and to rewrite them into positive
self-affirming language which will encourage you to improve your body image and
to increase your willingness to implement strategies to change your lifestyle.
Before you LESSEN the impact of abuse you need to take some time to do the
following task.
1. Identify each person (s)
in your life who abused you overtly or covertly in each of the four abuse categories: verbal, emotional, physical and sexual.
2. For each person (s)
identified in each category list what was done to you in each abuse event.
3. For each event of abuse,
list the messages you got which still have an impact in your life especially in
relationship to your body image and weight management.
As you proceed with this
task take each category of abuse and look for the overt and then covert events,
for example:
Overt Verbal Abuse:
Parents, siblings, friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives, teachers or other
authorities etc called you "fatty, tons of fun, blubber, slob, pig, cow,
horse, etc." Or said
things like: "fatty fatty two by four can't fit through the kitchen
door."
Covert Verbal Abuse:
Parents, siblings, friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives, teachers or other
authorities etc said things like: "You ought not to try out for that role
in the school play." or "You shouldn't waste your time looking at
clothes in that size." Or said things like: "You have such a pretty
face." or "You look so good in those clothes (implying you usually
look awful and clothes help cover up your ugly body)."
Overt Emotional Abuse:
Parents, siblings, friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives, teachers or other
authorities, Diet Industry Advertisements etc. said things like: "You should be ashamed of yourself for how big you have gotten and how your
body looks. "or" You need to lose weight before I will let you be seen
with me. "or " You need to lose weight, dress neater and improve the
way you present yourself to others so that you will be liked and accepted by
others." or "You will never get a member of the opposite sex
interested in you if you continue to look the way you look or weigh as
much as you do now."
Covert Emotional Abuse:
This could be the neglectful treatment by your significant others, teachers or
other authority figures who never complemented you for anything except for
losing weight and changing your looks. This could also be parents, siblings,
friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives, and Diet Industry Advertisements who
talked about thinner, more shapely people as the "Ideal to pursue" and
never let you feel that people like you should be emulated. It could also
include parents or relatives who bribed you with money or gifts to lose weight.
Overt Physical Abuse: Parents,
siblings, friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives teachers or other authorities, who slapped, kicked, punched, pushed,
slugged, whipped, shoved, or used other physical means to hurt you because you
did not please them or were not "good enough" for some reason or
another. This could also be Diet professionals who encouraged you to get your
stomach stapled, or put a balloon in your stomach.
Covert Physical Abuse: Parents,
siblings, friends, classmates, neighbors, relatives teachers or other
authorities etc. who would place you in physical isolation such as locked
closets, locked rooms, tied to a chair or bed, locked out of the house, kicked
out of a car on a busy highway etc. This could also include the Diet Industry
which encouraged you to do just about anything to lose weight including:
drinking animal urine, eating bizarre food combinations, allowing you only to
eat pre-packaged expensive diet program meals, admitting you to residential
programs which prepared their own food plans and kept you
on a regimented program and then set you loose at the end of the program
to fend on your own.
Overt Sexual Abuse: Any
person who touched, fondled or raped you against your will. This includes date
rape or date groping.
Covert Sexual Abuse:
Any person who leered, glanced or looked at you enough to make you feel sexually
uncomfortable. This could include Diet and Fashion Industry Advertisements,
which made you, feel that the goal of losing weight was to be sensuous, sexually
enticing and sexually active.
Once you have identified the
abuse perpetrators, description of the abuse events and the messages received
from the abuse, you now need to complete the second LESSEN task of rewriting the
negative messages into healthier self-affirmations which encourage you to do
what is necessary to change your lifestyle into a more balanced one. What
follows are some sample messages people have received as a result of abuse in
their life. For each negative message a healthier self-affirmation is
given.
-
My body is ugly.
-
My body is beautiful.
-
I deserve chaos in my
life.
-
I deserve peace, love,
harmony, acceptance and nurturing in my life.
-
If I want others to
accept me, I need to lose weight.
-
I love and accept myself
just the way I am and I will do what I need to implement the Balanced Lifestyle
system in my life and not concern myself with the acceptance of others.
-
I can never trust the
people who "love" me.
-
I will trust myself to take
care of myself in a healthy way through the balanced lifestyle system and handle
the people who "love" me in a healthier more detached way.
-
I should risk my health
to lose weight.
-
I will protect my health
from the unhealthy messages of the Diet Industry and practice the Balanced
Lifestyle system and change my lifestyle so that I can experience the 3
Increases of Health, Happiness and Energy.
-
If I become thin, I will
always be subject to unwanted sexual advances.
-
As I become healthier,
happier and more full of energy I will handle the unwanted sexual advances of
others in a healthier way and not let it deter me from maintaining my new
lifestyle.
-
I will do anything to my
body if it will mean that I will become thin.
-
I will respect my body and
protect its health, happiness and energy by change of lifestyle.
-
Because of my body and
weight I am not worthy of other's love.
-
I am worthy of my love no
matter how big or heavy I am, and I will take better care of myself by
implementing the lifestyle changes in my life.
-
If I get thin I will be
open to be loved by another person again but then I will be hurt again.
-
Personal relationships are
difficult to work with and I will no longer insulate myself from them by my
compulsive overeating and I will maintain my changed lifestyle and not allow the
fear of failed relationships in the future to derail my efforts.
-
I have to eat weird or be
on a diet to feel, look and be OK.
-
I can eat food, exercise and
live a balanced lifestyle and experience an increase in health, happiness and
energy.
-
I am deserving of other
peoples' hatred because I am fat.
-
I deserve the unconditional
acceptance, respect and love of others.
-
I can take risks if I am
fat.
-
Being fat is being fat and
it does not give me greater power or strength, so I will take better care of
myself and protect myself from future abuse in healthier way.
-
Fat insulates me from
danger of things happening to me which I don't want to happen like: pain,
sorrow, grief, negative emotions, other peoples anger and abuse, others sexual
advances etc.
-
Fat is fat and it has no
magical power to protect me from any danger or abuse so I will take better care
of myself to insure that I am protected from abuse to prevent it occurring in
the future.
-
I want to be one of the
"in group" and to fit in which will take being thin for this to
happen.
-
I will put myself in the
"in group" who live a balanced lifestyle so that my health, happiness
and energy will increase.
-
I need to develop a
"hard shell" to handle the "put downs" of others.
-
I will develop a healthier
self-esteem, improve my body image and live a balanced lifestyle so as to become
detached from the emotional put downs others will give me.
-
The more weight I have on
my body, the stronger I feel.
-
I can be stronger
emotionally and intellectually without the need to carry excess weight on my
body.
Once you have identified all
of the messages you have in your head as a result of being abused and rewritten
them to be more rational and self-affirming you are then ready to EASE OUT
of your irrational blocks to improving your body image and implementing the
Tools for Balanced Lifestyles Program. You EASE OUT by visualizing your
successful handling of potentially abusive situations in the future without the
necessity of putting weight on so as to insulate yourself from this danger. You
need to visually image yourself implementing the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles
Program in your life by: increasing the level of physical activity and exercise
in your life; eating balanced and nutritionally sound meals and handling your
stress and emotional challenges in healthy non-food ways. You need to visualize
your accepting of food is food and fat is fat and that neither food or fat are
your problems but that your messages in your head are the real problems which
you can solve by staying rational and realistic with your approach to life.
Finally you need to visualize yourself experiencing the 3 Increases of Health,
Happiness and Energy as a result of your change in lifestyle.
For the rest of your life,
you will need to use self-affirmations which quiet the negative messages in your
head placed there by the abuse you have received because recovery from abuse
takes a lifetime to achieve. For this reason it will serve you best to use the
EASE OUT visualizations daily like a planned meditation to refresh your
commitment to change and grow. As you EASE OUT you are then ready for the next
ALERT step which is to RELAX from the stress, anxiety, panic and tension
you feel about being successful in accomplishing a fully balanced lifestyle in
your life. You need to breath out the old stale air of the negative abuse based
messages in your head and breathe in the hope filled self-affirmations of
self-respect, self-deservedness and self-worth. As you allow yourself to RELAX
with the new messages of hope to accomplish your new lifestyle you will
experience an increase in your self-confidence and you will grow stronger in
your commitment to achieve your 3 Increases of health, happiness and energy
which come from this new lifestyle.
As you grow in
self-confidence and motivation to accomplish the changes needed to establish a
new lifestyle you are finally ready to TAKE THE STEPS needed to begin the
process of implementing the Balanced Lifestyles Program. You will be ready to
implement an organized program of exercise which increases your physical
activity level. You will be ready to change your nutritional intake to a reduced
fat model where no more than 1/3 of your caloric intake is in fat. You will be
ready to accept your body just the way it is so that you can be more open to
accept your "Italian Bank Account" model body which is self-regulated
in the Balanced Lifestyle system. You will be ready to deal with your emotional
stressors, tension and panic in healthier food free ways and not medicate with
food. You will be able to embrace the 12 Steps of the SEA's Program to improve
your self-esteem and address your food addiction in a realistically successful
way. You will be ready to let go of your old unhealthy ways of dealing with the
causes of your poor body image of : conditional self acceptance, shame and guilt
for your body, perfectionism that your body is never "good enough",
the need to be invisible because of the shame and guilt that your body is not
"good enough," and the low-self worth based on the need for your body
to be perfect, thin and small. You are ready to take the steps to come off of
the shelf and commit yourself to working harder in this program. Your efforts at
becoming a caveperson are going to become more real by your efforts to rid
yourself of the negative impact of abuse in your life. Best of luck.
Related Tools for Coping
Readings:
1. Self-Esteem
Seekers Anonymous-The SEA's Program Manual
2. Laying the
Foundation-The Roots of Low Self-Esteem
3. Tools for Handling
Loss
To assist you to go on to other sections of Chapter
6: Impact of Abuse on
Problems with Body Image and Weight in
the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles, click on
to the topic you wish to go to next:
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