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Image ALERT
Image ANGER
Image CHILD
Image LETGO
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 Tools for a
Balanced Lifestyle
A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and
Increase of Energy
Chapter
5: A New Look at Body Image
II. An ANGER Workout against Sources of Body Image Self-Hatred
Rumor
has it that if cavepeople were criticized for their body shape or looks they
killed the people who criticized them. They would club them to death and have no
further concern about what was said about their body. In our more civilized
society, you cannot club to death the people who have over the years criticized
your body. These people have helped you evolve into self-hatred for your body
image. You can however do ANGER workouts about these sources of self-loathing
and self-deprecation so that you are free of the irrational negative messages
you give yourself about your body. These sources of body image self-hatred could
be any or all of the following: one or both of your parents, a sister or
brother, a grandparent, a relative, a teacher, a neighbor, kids in school or in
the neighborhood or the media, advertisers and the diet industry. These people
over the years have contributed directly or indirectly to the negative messages
in your head every time you look at an image of yourself. These negative body
image scripts are so well entrenched in your subconscious, that by this time in
you life, you may not be able to remember who first said them critically about
your body. What you need to do, to help you change your poor body image to a
healthy one, is to kill the voices in you head which currently criticize, reject
and disapprove your body. To kill these voices you will need to do ANGER work on
each and every source of these negative body image messages. This ANGER work
will take some time and will involve a recurrent effort to exorcise these
negative, self-hating and self-loathing messages about your body until you can
accept your body unconditionally just the way it is.
The
first step of the ANGER workout is to ACCEPT that you are angry at the
sources of the negative body image messages in your brain. You will have to
accept that you resent the people who in the past or currently say the critical,
disapproving and rejecting comments about your body. You will have to admit that
you hate them for what they have done to you. You will also have to admit that
there is rage built up inside of you against them which you have stuffed all
these years. You will have to accept that you need to let go of the anger you
have against yourself for your body image. You will have to accept that you need
to redirect this anger against those people, who have taught you to be
self-critical, conditionally accepting, self-rejecting, self-disapproving and
self-destructive in your attitude and feelings about your body image. You will
need to accept that you were taught and reinforced by others to be self-critical
and self-demeaning about your body image. You will need to redirect your
self-hatred and anger where it rightly needs to be directed, which is towards
the sources of the negative body image messages.
The
second step of the ANGER workout is to NAME at whom, for what and why,
you are angry. You need to do an exhaustive self-history from your earliest
recollections on and identify the sources of the self-hating negative messages
you have about your body image. For each person identified you need to identify
which messages they gave you, which you carry to this day. You need to identify
how these messages contributed to the following categories of irrational
causation of poor body image:
1. Conditional Acceptance of Your Body:
The
sources, of your negative body image messages, told you that you were only worth
associating with or gaining the approval of others if your body was the correct
proportion, size and weight. You were told that you could participate in certain
activities only if your body was meeting the conditions and criteria for such
participation. You were told that it was a shame that you had "such a
pretty face" and it was too bad that the rest of your body did not look as
good. You were told that "thin is in" and only thin bodies were
acceptable. You were told by these sources that you needed to diet, starve
yourself and learn some self-control so that you could improve your looks. You
were told that: "looks are everything" and "others will judge or
accept you by your looks." You were told that you would never amount to
anything unless your looks changed. You were told you would never be able to
have a relationship with a significant other unless you changed the way your
body looks. Identify every person who taught you this conditional acceptance of
your body. Identify every message you remember hearing about conditional
acceptance of your body and name the message and the source of the message in
your ANGER workout.
2.
Shame and Guilt for the Way Your Body Looks:
The
sources, of your negative body image messages, told you that you should be
ashamed for your lack of will power and loss of control for allowing your body
to look as unacceptable as it had become. You were told that you should feel
guilty for letting down your parents, family, friends, school, community and
yourself for allowing your body to look the way it did. You were told that you
were not "trying hard enough" to change your body looks. You were told
that you were "breaking the hearts of others" for how your body looks
had evolved. You were told that you ought not to go out in public so as not to
embarrass your parents, family, friends, school, community or yourself. You were
told over and over again that it was your fault that your body had become what
it had. You were told that you will eventually pay for your bad habits of
eating, dressing and grooming in the future. You were told that it was a shame
that you had allowed your body to deteriorate to the condition it had. You were
told that your were lazy, slovenly, slothful and undesirable for what you had
done to allow your body to become so ugly. You were told you should be ashamed
that you had become so fat. You were told that you should be embarrassed and
ashamed that you were not successful, in making your body look better, by
failing all the diet program you attempted. You were told that there was
something "terribly wrong" with you if you could not do something
about improving the way your body looked. Identify every person you remember who
tried to inflict shame and guilt on you. Identify every shame and guilt inducing
message you heard about your body image and the person who was the source of the
message in your ANGER workout.
3.
Perfectionism About How Your Body Should Look:
The
sources, of your negative body image messages, told you that no matter what you
did to improve the way your body looked it was never "good enough."
You were told that even though you had lost weight you still needed to lose more
so that your body could look better. You were told that you should always be
alert to eating any food which would hurt the way your body looked. You were
told that you should constantly be on a diet if you wanted your body to look
"good enough." You were told that you should always be conscious of
how you looked before you went out in public to insure that you looked
"perfect" to others. You were drilled on the need to get other's
recognition and approval for your looks and that no effort to improve your looks
should go untried. You were criticized for how your body looked, no matter what
effort you put into improving it, because: "you could have done so much
more." Your motivation and commitment to improving your body image was
always put into question if you did not starve yourself and stay on a perpetual
diet. You were told that you could always lose just a little more weight to make
a certain part of your body look better. You were given a head to toe evaluation
of your body and it imperfections to keep you focused on what body parts you
needed to work at changing and improving. Identify every person who tried to
inflict perfectionistic body image
messages on you. Identify every perfectionistic message you heard about your
body image and the person who was the source of the message in your ANGER
workout.
4.
Need for Your Body to be Invisible to Others:
The
sources, of your negative body image messages, told you that it would be better
for you not to be seen by others so that your ugly body would not be criticized
and thus embarrass yourself or them.. You were told verbally or nonverbally that
it would be better if you did not come along with them so that others would not
ridicule them for having you along. You were told nonverbally that because of
your body size, weight or shape, it would be better if you did not try out for
public activities when you would either not be selected or you would be the last
one picked. You were told verbally or nonverbally that it would be best if you
were not seen and not heard so as not to cause conflict due to your body size
and shape in the family, school or community. You were told that if you wore
certain clothes you could camouflage your body and hide the "real
body" from others. You were told if you made your hair up and wore the
right makeup you could deflect others looking at the rest of your body. You were
encouraged never to look in a mirror or look at your picture. You were excluded
from family and group pictures whenever possible. You were encouraged directly
or indirectly by others not to have your picture taken or be included in a home
video. You were told, directly or indirectly, that you were never invited to the
"in events" due to your body size, weight and shape. Identify every
person who directly or indirectly encouraged you to make your body invisible to
others. Identify every invisibility encouraging message you heard and the person
who was the source of the message in your ANGER workout.
5.
Self-worth Defined by Size, Weight and/or Shape of Your Body
The
sources, of your negative body image messages, told you directly or indirectly
that your worth as a person was defined by the size, weight and shape of your
body. All of the comments you received from them were preoccupied with the
status of your body image. They ignored giving you reinforcement or rewards for
anything about you other than the state of your body. They ignored your personal
achievements, personality characteristics, intellectual abilities, competencies,
creativity, generosity, kindness, skills, abilities, interests, involvement with
others and career accomplishments. They only focused their comments on your body
such as: how big it had gotten, how small it was getting, how fat it was, how
thin it appeared, how awkward a certain part of your body looked, how beautiful
a body part looked, how well dressed you were or how sloppy you looked. These
people helped to contribute to your pre-occupation and concern about your body
image. They helped to shape you into being self-conscious about your body image.
They assisted you to believe that your worth as a human being hinged on how your
body looked. They were able to help cement in your subconscious and conscious
mind that: "I am only as good as my body looks and everyone in my life
judges me by how my body looks." Identify every person who directly or
indirectly made you feel that your worth as a human being was dependent on how
your body looked. Identify every "self-worth dependent on body looks"
message you were given and the person who was the source of the message in your
ANGER workout.
Once
you have done a thorough analysis to name every person or group of people and
their negative messages about your body image, you are then ready for the third
step in the ANGER workout model. You now need to GET IT OUT of your
system. This requires that you do specific anger release work to free you up
emotionally. You will need to do three specific GET IT OUT activities:
resentment release, hatred elimination and rage workouts.
1.
Resentment Release:
The
first ANGER workout GET IT OUT activity is resentment release towards the
persons and groups who are the source of your negative body image and
self-hatred. You need to follow the directions for this work in
Handling Resentment of the Tools for Anger Workout. You need to write a letter of resentment to
each person or groups of people and list what you resent them for in terms of
your self-hatred and negative body image problems. You need to list every thing
they said or did which gave you the negative messages identified in the NAME IT
portion of the ANGER workout. You need to detail out in these letters of
resentment: How these people did these bad things to you intentionally or
unintentionally. If these offenses were done directly or indirectly. What the
negative consequences were for you of these offenses. How the negative body
image and self-hatred grew in you as a result of these peoples offenses towards
you. How your life could have been healthier, happier and filled with more
emotional and physical energy if these offenses had not happened to you. How the
choices you have made in your life and the direction you have taken in life were
influenced by the offenses of these people. What irrational beliefs you have
developed about your body image as a result of these peoples offenses. What new
healthier messages you need to develop to get your body image and Balanced Life
Styles efforts on a healthier and more solid footing. What are the rational
reasons why you need to release the resentment and anger you hold with these
people who have been so offensive to your personal development. Finally, why you
are now willing to forgive and forget these people for their past offenses so
that you can proceed on with your life in a healthier way. Chances are that you
will not be able to forgive them, so you will need to go on to the second step
of the GET IT OUT process which is hatred elimination.
2.
Hatred Elimination:
Once
you have identified your resentment issues you will most probably realize that
some or all of the people who have been sources of your self-hatred and poor
body image are people whom you hate for doing what they have done to you. You
need to follow the guidelines in Overcoming
Hatred of the Tools
for Anger Workout to work
at hatred elimination. You have to work on recognizing that you harbor hatred
towards the people who are the source of your body image problems. You need to
recognize that what they did angers you even to this very day. You probably need
to do a series of Write, Read and Burns at one hour intervals to work at
eliminating your hatred for the people who have been at the root of the
self-loathing and self-hatred of your body image. In the one hour of writing,
take one person at a time and identify: Why you hate this person? What this
person said or did to you which caused you so much pain? What were the results
of this person's behaviors on your life. Were the offenses listed real,
perceptions, assumptions or imagined? What were the negative consequences to
your body image of these offenses such as: your conditional self-acceptance,
shame and guilt concerning your body image, perfectionism about how your body
should look, the need to have your body invisible to others, and your self-worth
dependent on your body's size, weight and shape. You then need to identify in
your writing important issues such as: How well informed the hated person was
about the effects of the offensive behaviors on you. What did this person need
to know in order to prevent affecting you negatively. What blocked this person
from knowing what change in his or her behaviors would have been good for you.
What was wrong with this person that they acted so irrationally with you. What
makes this person worthy of being forgiven for their ignorance, short
sightedness and lack of common sense for treating you the way they did. What new
thoughts and feeling do you need to develop so as to eliminate your hatred for
this person. Once you have written for an hour then put it aside. The next night
read for one hour what you have written and then burn it. Continue the writing,
reading and burning on each person until you have been able to forgive each
person and let go of your hatred. To assist you to work towards the release of
your hatred after each Write, Read and Burn session you might need the third
part of the ANGER workout GET IT OUT process which is rage workouts.
3.
Rage Workouts
As
you are identifying your resentment and hatred issues, you will most probably
need to be working on rage release by rage anger workouts. Follow Eliminating
Rage in the Tools for Anger Workout. As you begin to identify the issues of anger
towards the people who have contributed to your self-hatred and self-loathing,
you might be driven to contact them directly and vent your anger and blame on
them for what they have done to ruin your life. If you were to directly contact
them to let them know how angry you are, you would end up in the old unhealthy
anger cycle. This is where the natural feeling you after expressing anger on a
person, is guilt for hurting the other's feelings. This is then followed by
remorse for having done so. This results in pulling in the anger leaving you
feeling the stuffed emotions of depression and resentment towards the person.
Over time you might get irritated by the person or something that triggers a
memory of what the person said or did about your body image and you express your
anger on the person again. To avoid getting into the old unhealthy self-feeding
loop of the anger cycle, you need to use the ANGER workout process for
unresolved and current anger issues as identified in Anger
Work-Out of the Tools for Anger Workout. In the ANGER work-out model you release your rage on
inanimate objects and the people in question never are confronted with your rage
and hostility. You pound on a weight bag, or pillows or some other beatable
object and yell and scream until you have exhausted the topic. You do this over
and over again until you are no longer triggered into rage and anger when you
are presented with a behavior, message or comment which stirs up the memory of
the offensive behaviors of the person for whom you harbor resentment, hatred and
rage. You need to release your rage as you progress with the GET IT OUT process
so that you can finally forgive the people who are the source of your
self-hatred and poor body image. This forgiveness will then lead to the fourth
step of the ANGER work out model.
After
you have accepted you are angry, named whom, what and why you are angry and then
gotten it out of your system by resentment release, hatred elimination and rage
workout, you are then at the next step of the ANGER workout which is you become ENERGIZED
and emotionally open and free to proceed in working on improving your body
image and open to implement the Balanced Life Styles program more completely in
your life. With this new found energy you are then finally ready to take the
last step of the ANGER workout process and RESUME your life with a new
sense of direction and full acceptance of your body just the way it is. You will
be more willing to let go of conditional acceptance of your body and become more
unconditionally accepting of yourself. You will let go of shame and guilt for
your body looks. You will let go of the need to be perfectionistic about how
your body should look. You will give up the need to have your body be invisible
to others. Finally you will no longer base you self-worth on your body's size,
weight or shape. You will grow in self-worth and self-confidence by freeing
yourself of the messages in your head of self-hatred and self-loathing and be
ready to believe that you deserve the 3 Increases of Health, Happiness and
Energy which come from living the Balanced Lifestyle Program.
Related
Tools
for Coping Readings:
1.
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous: The SEA's Program Manual
2.
Tools for Anger Work-Out
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