|
Home
Up
Overcome
Patterns
Silencing
| |
 Tools for a
Balanced Lifestyle
A Program of Recovery from Weight Related Problems
Going for the 3 increases: Increase of Health; Increase of Happiness and
Increase of Energy
Chapter 4:
Addressing Resistance to Change
III.
Silencing the Voices of Resistance
Obstructing your desire to
change your relationship with food and exercise are not only the concepts of
helplessness, hopelessness and irresponsibility and the behavioral patterns of
resistance but also the voices of resistance in your head. These voices are
contained in the messages which your mind sends you when someone triggers the
sensations from the past which activate these voices. Sometimes these voices
come from your parents be it your mother or father or both. They could come from
a grandparent, aunt, uncle or cousin. They could come from teachers, authority
figures, parents of friends, friends, neighbors or people in the community. The
voices are typically critical, negative and undermining of your motivation to
continue to work on your efforts to address your food addiction, foodaholicism
and compulsive overeating. These voices need to be silenced to enable you to
become successful in achieving the goals of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle
Program.
The goals of the Program are
the "3 increases:" Increase of Health; Increase of
Happiness and Increase of Energy. An increase of Health, both
emotional and physical, will result from full implementation of this program of
recovery from food addiction. Your self-esteem will grow through the use of the
ALERT, ANGER, CHILD, and LET GO systems of the SEA's Program.
At the same time through improved nutritional intake and increased
exercise, your body will be given a chance to be in better harmony than it has
ever been in your life. An increase of Happiness will occur if you fully
implement this program because you will gain a sense of peace and serenity by
LETTING GO and accepting fully the concepts of the Serenity Prayer of living one
day at a time, enjoying moment to moment and being reasonably happy in this live
by accepting the world as it is rather than how you would like it to be. An
increase of Energy will occur if you fully implement this program both at
the physical and emotional level. Physically you will have more energy due to
the increased level of exercise in your life and better balance of your
nutritional intake. You will also have an increase of emotional energy because
you will have a system to rid yourself of the energy robbing negative emotions
of anger and its many faces by doing ANGER and LET GO work.
The goals, of the Tools for
a Balanced Lifestyle Program, do not contain any decreases such as decrease in
weight or size. The Program is geared on the principal of the belief in the
"Italian Bank Account" model where a self-regulated body which has a
healthy level of exercise and ingests a nutritionally balanced "low
fat" intake of food to address its hunger, will end up where it is
genetically predetermined. This means that success in this program will not
necessarily end up in you becoming as thin as you think you have to be. This
program does not stress a diet or deprivation. It stresses consistency, balance
and moderation. There are no pre-determined food supplements, calorie levels or
fat grams to be ingested daily. There is no mandatory weigh in and in fact the
use of the scale is discouraged. This program is different from any other weight
management program you have ever been in and yet the voices of resistance are at
work in you trying to keep you off track and unsuccessful in achieving the
"3 increases" in this program. What are the messages of these voices?
What follows are some examples:
No matter what you
achieve in this program it will never be "good enough."
This voice has several
faces. This voice is the need for approval from others. It is the fear of
rejection from others. It is the "not good enough" voice of
perfectionism. This message is persistent and very loud. The voice is always
there when you are exercising, eating, reading this book or attending the Tools
for a Balanced Lifestyle class. It makes you question if you will ever be able
to get the approval from others for perfectly achieving the "3
increases" of the program. It can come as a result of a critical sounding
comments from someone which triggers this voice. It can come from within
yourself. The criticism may sound like: "Why haven't you lost more weight
by now?" "Why haven't you incorporated more exercise in your life by
now?" "Why haven't you changed your eating habits by now?"
"Why haven't you tried any of the Tools for Coping and Self-Esteem Seeker's
Anonymous Systems of Recovery by now?" "Why haven't you begun to like
yourself better by now?" "Why haven't you accepted your body by
now?" "Why haven't you taken this program more seriously by now?"
"What are you accomplishing in this class or with this book, since you
haven't made many changes in your life yet?" "Why would you bother
others with your concern because it will waste their time?" "Why are
you eating that food, you know it isn't good for you, don't you?" "Why
aren't you trying harder in this program?" "Are you sure you are
putting 100% effort into this program?" "Why are you trying this
program since you have never been successful in any of the other weight
management programs you have tried in the past?" These criticisms make you
feel scolded, admonished and belittled. You feel shame, guilt and embarrassment
from these messages. Because of the nature of the negative tone of this
perfectionistic voice you find yourself becoming rebellious and defiant to
implementing the program. This voice seems to contribute to your "acting
out" against the spirit and directives of the program. This is
self-defeating and self-destructive. What you need to do is to work on
consistently unconditionally loving and accepting yourself enough to silence
this voice of "not good enough" perfectionism with new positive
affirmations of:
-
I love myself just the way I
am.
-
I am doing this program for
me and not to please anyone else.
-
I will only focus on what I
want out of this program rather than what I think others want
for me to get out of this program.
-
I am taking this program one
step at a time.
-
I am doing what I need to do
to gain the 3 increases of health, happiness and energy.
-
I am doing what I need to do
to increase my level of motivation, commitment and desire to change.
-
I deserve to take this
program one day at a time at the speed which is healthy for me.
-
I am doing this program for
myself and do not have to defend my progress to anyone.
-
I am ok just the way I am.
-
I only need my approval and
acceptance for what I accomplish in this program
-
I will work at implementing
a WGAS (who gives a sh_t) attitude about what others think about my progress in this program.
-
I will silence the voice of
the need for approval of others when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
the fear of rejection when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
"not good enough" when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
perfectionism when it comes up in the future.
You may experience
changes in your life once you have achieved a balanced lifestyle which might
harm you.
This voice is the fear of
change. It is the voice of conditional acceptance. This voice encourages you to
procrastinate and drag your heals at fully implementing this balanced lifestyles
program. This voice is based on the fear that your life will change so much that
you will no longer be successful in those areas of achievement which you have
used in the past to overcompensate for your low self-esteem which stemmed from
you being overweight. You are afraid that you will lose your competitive edge on
your job, at school or in the areas of competition you are involved in to give
you the sense of worth and success you lack from being overweight. This voice
brings up your fear of loss of approval from others especially authority figures
for being successful in doing what you do. This voice is the fear of loss of
recognition and fear of rejection by others who have recognized you as being
successful and achieving. This voice challenges your sense of being validated
for who you are by how much you accomplish, how much you earn for a living or
how much wealth you have accumulated. You fear wellness, thinness, a balanced
life, healthy relationship with food, healthy exercise program and self-esteem
enhancing activities based on the Tools for Coping Series. You fear your life
will change so much that you will no longer be motivated to work as hard as you
do to prove you are a worthwhile person. You fear that by loving yourself for
who you are rather than for what you accomplish, you might no longer work as
hard as you have in the past and no longer be the "star achiever."
This is a self-destructive fear. It is based on the belief that you are
only a good person if you meet certain conditions in life. It is conditional
acceptance. The healthy alternative is unconditional self-acceptance of yourself
for who you are rather than what you accomplish. It is true that once you get
healthier, you may no longer desire to over compensate for your inadequacies by
over achieving. On the other hand you will be the possessor of the 3 increases
of health, happiness and energy and your life and priorities in life will be
more rational, realistic and healthy. What you need to overcome this voice of
fear of change is to use affirmations such as:
-
I am a good person because I
am alive.
-
I am ok just the way I am.
-
I accept myself for who I am
and not for what I do or accomplish.
-
I am working on increasing
my health, happiness and energy because I deserve it.
-
WGAS what others think about
my accomplishments in life.
-
I only need my approval for
my accomplishments and achievements in life.
-
I only need to accomplish and achieve what I think is
healthy for me to accomplish and achieve in my life.
-
I am better off being a
healthy, happy and energized human being than being an unhealthy, unhappy and
fatigued over achiever.
-
I would rather live a
longer, healthier, happier and energized life than die a sickly, depressed and
exhausted "success story."
-
I will achieve the "3
Increases" in this program because they are good for me.
-
I will be able to handle the
changes in my life which will come from my change in lifestyle.
-
I will silence the voice of
fear of change when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the
"conditional acceptance" voice when
it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
procrastination when it comes up in the future.
If you become
healthier, happier and more energized you may become more attractive to people
and are you sure you want that.
This voice says your life
may change resulting in increased demand on your time, increased sense of
responsibility for others and increased emotional vulnerability. People of the
opposite sex may consider you more attractive not due to your intellect and
competency but because of your physical attractiveness. This voice is the fear
of success. This voice irrationally encourages you to question why would you
want to change your current state of social affairs. You have become complacent
with your life the way it is and fear that by getting the "3
Increases" you will be open and more attractive to others to engage
themselves with you socially. You are comfortable in you isolation and
loneliness which you have experienced over the years. You may have been hurt by
other people in the past and fear the possibility of the abuse and degradation
you experienced then. Your weight has provided you with the insulation which you
have needed to ward off the social and sexual advances of members of the
opposite sex which you have avoided since you were once abused physically,
sexually, emotionally or verbally by one or more of them in your past. Rather
than want the attention of the members of the opposite sex, you prefer to
compete with them in the work place and fear that your intellect, competency and
achievement will be overlooked because you may become more physically attractive
by gaining the "3 Increases. You find it hard to believe that the opposite
sex could find you both attractive and intelligent simultaneously and that one
does not exclude the other. You are in denial that your loneliness and isolation
are destructive to your healthy, happiness and energy level. You are justifying
your current or old unhealthy lifestyle to make it easier for you to reject this
program and its goals. This is self-destructive and self-defeating. You are not
really happy and content being so isolated and ignored by others. Your
invisibility is not as enjoyable as you would like to believe it is. This voice
is a liar. It is a deceiver. It is insidious because it attacks your fragile
self-worth with fears of abuse and emotional hurt and pain if you should become
successful in changing your lifestyle. It sounds so kind and concerned for your
well being, but it really is the voice of self-defeat, self-destruction and
self-delusion. What you need to do is to affirm yourself with the following:
-
I deserve to have people
involved in my life.
-
I deserve to have a healthy,
open and honest relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
-
I deserve the "3
Increases" of health, happiness and energy so that I can become more
engaged with people.
-
I deserve a more active
social life.
-
I am an intelligent,
competent, attractive human being.
-
I am capable of having
healthy relationships, which complement my new lifestyle.
-
I am healthy enough to be
selective with the people I include in my life.
-
I deserve to be accepted by
others for my appearance as well as for my intelligence and competence.
-
I will be able to handle the
success, which will accompany my change in lifestyle.
-
I deserve to be a healthy
sexual and sensuous person.
-
I will silence the voice
of fear of success when it comes up in the future.
If you need to work
hard for the rest of your life to maintain the balanced lifestyle you attain in
this program, then why try since you will fail in the effort over time anyway.
This is the voice of
self-defeatism. It is the voice of doom and gloom. It is the pessimistic voice
which is a passive voice of anger and resentment at the life-long nature of the
balanced lifestyle model. It is the voice of self-doubt and self-degradation. It
is the negative self-script which insures you never trying anything new because
you will probably fail at it anyway. This self-critical voice is irrational and
unrealistic. The balanced lifestyle program is not a regimented program with
specific target goals to attain over time. It is not a diet with do's and
don'ts. It is a program of suggested methods to increase your self-esteem and
self-regulate your body by a "reduced fat" caloric intake and increase
of exercise. This voice is very
self-defeating because it does not want you to take a risk of possibly failing.
It wants you to maintain the status quo and not make any changes. It is afraid
to allow you to step out of the "old you" and to take on the a
healthier "new you." This is probably because of the panic and fear
which results from having to LET GO of so many old habits which have become
"normal" for you. As you let go of the old and not yet fully
implemented the new habits, you will often feel sicker and unbalanced as if you
have been dropped out of an airplane without a parachute. You feel the
panic of the discomfort of not knowing where you will land and in the
panic you rationalize that the effort will be "too big" and talk
yourself out of trying at all. You would prefer to stay on the plane of dis-health than jump out of it, if jumping out causes so much panic an distress
in your life. Then your voice rationalizes that since to maintain the new
lifestyle habits will take continuous effort you feel more convinced that
staying on board of the "unhealthy" lifestyle plane is a better
choice. This self-deception and misguided thinking requires increased ALERT work
to reduce your stress, anxiety and panic as you venture out into the new world
of balanced lifestyles and requires you to begin to affirm yourself with
messages such as:
-
I am worth taking the risk
to change and grow.
-
My level of health,
happiness and energy will grow if I take the risk to change.
-
I am worth the lifelong
effort to maintain my new balanced lifestyle.
-
I will work on my food
addiction for the rest of my life because I deserve this effort.
-
I will maintain my increased
level of exercise to insure my "3 Increases" for life.
-
I will take the risk to open
myself up to a new life filled with the" 3 Increases."
-
I will do ANGER work to
quiet the pessimism and resentment I feel about having to work on maintaining my
balanced lifestyle for the rest of my life.
-
I can be a winner by
changing my lifestyle.
-
I can maintain my new
lifestyle for the rest of my life.
-
I will silence the voice of
self-defeatism when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
doom and gloom when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
pessimism when it comes up in the future.
You look like you have
lost weight. You look good.
This voice is the sense of
being only conditionally accepted by others. It is the voice of the need to be
invisible to others. It is the
voice of complements which imply you were "not good enough" prior to
your changing your lifestyle and losing weight. This voice implies: "You
had better stay on that "diet" because if you don't you will not be
accepted and complemented in the future." It is the left handed complement
which broadsides your sense of self-worth and self-confidence. It makes you
question: "What was I before I lost weight? Chopped liver?"
"Wasn't I good enough to be recognized for who I am before I lost
weight?" "Do I have to be thin before people will like, accept or
approve of me?" "Is this why I have never felt loved and accepted by
others because they were judgmental and critical of me for being fat or
obese?" "Am I supposed to lose weight to please others?" "Is
this Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program only a ploy to get me to lose
weight so as to become more accepted and recognized by others?" "Is
this what it is all about, just to lose weight so that I look good?" These
questions then raise resentment and anger in you and lead to a sense of
rebellion. You find yourself backing down from doing the balanced lifestyles
changes you have implemented and find yourself back into your foodaholic and
compulsive overeating habits. You cease exercising and forget all you have
learned about healthy nutrition. You "act out" and relapse into your
"troubled person"mode of life. You are subconsciously having a civil
war against yourself and others who complement you for your change in appearance
and possible loss of weight. You feel betrayed by yourself and others because
you feel that the condition of your body size is the "only" measure of
your worth and value to yourself and others. You are led to backslide and
relapse into your old unhealthy ways of eating, living and reacting to life
because you are confused and feel betrayed. You rationalize, that everyone
including yourself are not worth pleasing and gaining acceptance from, so you
are willing to let your body go back to it old "fat" size. The fat
also acts as a shield to help you gain invisibility from others and then you
rationalize they will no longer look at you and judge you. This is all very
self-defeating, irrational and hazardous to your health. What you need to do is
to learn to accept complements for what they are meant to be. Complements are
simply others' ways of giving you support and reassurance that you are taking
good care of yourself. They are not meant to be statements of the conditional
judgement which they trigger in the voice in your head. What you need to do, to
silence this voice, is to use the following affirmations:
-
I deserve to be complemented
for the accomplishments I make in gaining a balanced lifestyle.
-
I deserve to be recognized
for my appearance.
-
I will maintain my being
visible to others and to myself.
-
I will let go of the
invisibility I have by being fat.
-
I will allow others to
complement me and not take it as a critical judgment against me.
-
I will do ANGER work to rid
myself of the sense of resentment that I am only "good enough" if I am
thin.
-
I will LET GO of the power I
give others' comments about my weight and body size.
-
I will unconditionally
accept myself as I am and not as I think I should be.
-
I will allow others to
support and reassure me that I am being successful in accomplishing my new
balanced lifestyle.
-
I will just say "Thank
You" when people complement the changes in my body and weight.
-
I will remind people that my
only goal in changing my lifestyle is to gain the "3 Increases" of health, happiness and energy.
-
I will silence the voice of
conditional acceptance when it comes up in the future.
-
I will silence the voice of
the need for invisibility when it comes up in the future.
All of your problems
in life are because you are overweight.
This voice is the voice of
denial. It denies the real problems of food addiction, foodaholicism and
compulsive overeating. It denies the real problem of faulty nutritional intake,
which is heavy in fats and sugar. It denies the real problem of not enough
exercise in your life. It denies the real problems of low self-esteem stemming
from irrational thinking, unresolved anger, a lack of self-love and over
controlling behaviors. This voice simplifies your life into one target issue,
which raises your rebellion and resentment. You get so angry at this message
that you revengefully keep all of your weight and in fact even gain more. You
resent having your weight brought up as an issue in your life. You would prefer
that it never be mentioned. You are so used to this voice that you at times are
convinced that your only problem is your weight. You reason that since your
weight is your primary problem then you should be on a diet to get the weight
off. You question the wisdom and common sense of the Tools for a Balanced
Lifestyle Program, which does not give you a diet to lose weight with. You also
are confused and upset because this program says that your weight is not a
problem. You are told by this program that perhaps you will weigh as much as you
do now or maybe just a little less if you fully implement the program and allow
your body to self-regulated itself. You are not sure you like the news about the
"Italian bank account." Since your weight is your only problem you
figure you need to go on a diet, lose weight and you will be ok. After all you
are not successful in life because of your weight you rationalize. This voice
tells you things like: "You will never be liked by others unless you lose
weight." "You will never find anyone to love you unless you lose
weight." "You will never
get married unless you lose weight." "You will never be able to get a
good job unless you lose weight." "You will never be successful on
your job unless you lose weight." "You are not ever going to be happy
unless you lose weight." You will never be healthy unless you lose
weight." "You will never have enough energy in life unless you lose
weight." You know that these messages are faulty. You know that it is not
the weight that makes you unhealthy it is the constant yo-yo dieting and
starvation diets you go on which make you unhealthy. You know that your low
energy level is not because of your weight but because of a lack of adequate
exercise and improper nutrition. You know that your unhappiness is not because
of your weight but because of your lack of implementing a system of rational
living based on the principals of the ALERT, ANGER, CHILD and LET GO systems.
You know that your weight has been scapegoated as the only reason for all of
your problems and that this is irrational, unrealistic and not based in reality.
What you need to do, to silence the voice of denial, is to use the following
affirmations:
-
I will address the issues of
poor nutrition, lack of exercise and irrational living to correct the many problems I have in my life.
-
I will experience the
"3 Increases" in my life even though I may not lose the amount of
weight I have always believed I need to.
-
I will be able to have a
healthy, happy and more energized life by implementing the program of the Tools
for a Balanced Lifestyle without the need to lose weight.
-
Loss of weight is not the
primary goal of mine for changing my lifestyle.
-
I will be healthier, happier
and have more energy if I address my food addiction, increase the amount of exercise in my life and improve my nutritional intake.
-
I will be able to improve my
life by addressing my real issues, which are deeper and more hidden from me at
times.
-
I will improve my
self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence by changing my lifestyle.
-
I will gain the support of
others to address my real problems and stop scapegoating my weight as the reason
for all of my ills.
-
I will be able to live a
healthier, happier and more energized life by changing my lifestyle and not
necessarily lose weight in the process.
-
I have no need for diet to
gain the "3 Increases" in my life.
-
I will live my new life
"diet" free.
-
I will silence the voice of
denial when it comes up in the future.
The voices of resistance are
very strong. They lead you to revert back to helplessness, irresponsibility and
hopelessness. They are the motives behind your behavioral patterns of resistance
of looking good, acting out, pulling in, entertaining and the troubled person.
The voices are hidden in the recesses of your mind and will be with you for the
rest of your life and are the triggers, which can lead to relapse, back sliding
and reverses in your balanced lifestyle changes. You will need to be on the
ALERT for these voices and work on a continuing basis to silence them so as to
achieve the "3 Increases" of health, happiness and energy in this
program.
Related Tools for Coping
Readings:
1. Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous: The SEA's Program Manual
To
assist you in moving on to other sections of Tools
for a Balanced Lifestyle Chapter 4: Addressing
Resistance to Change, click on to the topic you want to go to next:
|
Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
Email: