 Tools
for Victorious Living
Handing
Control
Over by Surrendering to
God's Control
Part
3: Steps
and Actions in Surrendering Control Over to God
Content:
The
TEA System Strengthens Your "Naos"
It
does not help a person to know all that has just been discussed. What is
necessary is to change not only the way we think about control issues in our
life, we also need to change the way we feel about these control issues. Once we
have changed the inner feelings about the control issues then we need to change
the way we act on the control issues in our life. What is needed is the TEA
System:
The
TEA System of Recovery from Over-controlling Behavior
When
you are in recovery from the behavioral consequences of being an over-controller
you need to use the TEA System:
T
- Thoughts
E
- Emotions
A
- Actions
T
-Thoughts
First,
you need to analyze your thoughts about your life and identify all irrational and unrealistic
beliefs, thinking, or ideas, which are at the root of your over-controlling
problems in your life. Once you have identified the "sick" thoughts,
then you need to replace them with healthier, more rational, and realistic
thinking, beliefs and ideas. It is at this point that you begin to develop daily
self-affirmations, which encourage you on the road to recovery from
over-control.
E
-Emotions
Second,
after your thoughts have become healthier, more rational, and realistic, you
then need to identify all of your "sick"
emotions and feelings, which were
based on your old "sick" thoughts and then integrate your ``new''
healthier thoughts with your emotions and feelings. That way you have healthier,
more rational and realistic emotional and feeling responses to the control
issues in your life and you begin to feel better about yourself and your ability
to handle letting go of your need to control, fix and care take. It is at this
point that you work at incorporating the self-affirmations you have been telling
yourself and experience feelings of self-confidence, self-worth, and
self-deservedness.
A
-
Actions
Third,
only after you have altered your "sick" thoughts and "sick"
emotions can you change your "sick"
actions and behaviors in the over-control arena. Once you have
developed a healthier, more rational, and realistic thinking and emotional life,
you can take actions and exhibit behaviors which are healthier, more rational
and realistic and result in improved coping by working out of your internal
locus of control and keeping your “naos” pure and clean. You hand over and
let go of all of the uncontrollable and unchangeable factors in your life
including all the people, places, things and conditions and only allow your Holy
of Holies to be focused on continuous enriching, healing and purifying your
personal thoughts, emotions and actions.
WARNING:
You cannot change your actions or behaviors before you have changed your
emotional and feeling responses to your control issues. When people change their
actions because it is the "correct" thing to do without feelings,
which go along with them, then their recovery from over-control falls flat and
dies. You need to change your thoughts and emotions before your actions become
"authentic" and have greater "staying" power.
Tools for
Believers in Overcoming the Unhealthy Need to Control
Healing
Thought Life
Daily
Reading of Holy Scripture:
as already evidenced in this discussion about letting go of the control issues
in a Christian’s life the Holy Scripture and more precisely Christ’s words
themselves speak very loud and clear about control and keeping ones focus on the
Lord and not on earthly things. Christ’s reminder in Luke 13:34 encourages us
to go deeper into the Scriptures on a daily basis to keep our minds pure and
focused on God so that we can keep our thinking clean and healthy: "For
where your treasure is there your heart will be."
Healing
Emotional Life
Daily
Prayer and Meditation:
Placing our hearts, souls and spirits in the Lord daily through prayer and
meditation keeps us emotionally relaxed and serene. By prayer and mediation we
are doing something proactive on a daily basis about the Letting Go of our
uncontrollables and unchangeables in our life. As we record our successes and
progress in our prayer journal of the increased detachment and lack of being
Hooked by others into an over-control mode, we get the emotional strength to
persist in warding off the temptation of falling back into unhealthy controlling
behaviors. Jesus’ words in Luke 10: 41 & 42 to Martha who was
over-controlling in her efforts to make His visit comfortable while her sister
Mary was relishing sitting at His feet during His visit are encouragement for us
to go to Him in daily prayer and mediation so that our focus is on Him and not
on the things of the world calling us to Control, fix and care take for: "Martha,
Martha...you are worried and upset about many things but only one thing is
needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her."
Healing
Actions
Accountability
Oriented Relationships with Fellow Believers: Once
thoughts and emotions are healed concerning the need to over-control a believer
then needs to fellowship with fellow believers to gain the support and
accountability to stay on track and not to relapse or backslide into old
unhealthy over-controlling habits or behaviors. Jesus gave each of his believers
a “Great Commission” this commission is not only to evangelize unbelievers
but also to shore up and support the believers who need help in keeping their
“naos” holy and undefiled. This commission is given in Mark 1613 & 15: "Go
into all the world and preach the Good News to all creation. Whosoever believes
and is baptized will be saved but whoever does not believe will be condemned."
Being a supporter to a fellow
believer takes humility as described in Luke 13:30: "Indeed
there are those who are last who will be first and first who will be last."
Such humility in dealing with fellow believers will be rewarded Christ
claims in Luke 9:48: "...for
he who is least among you-he is the greatest."
Being
an accountability or support person for a fellow believer requires a Servant
Leadership model as described by Christ in Mark 10 43-45: "Whoever
wants to become great among you must be your servant and whoever wants to be
first must be slave to all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served
but to serve and to give his life as ransom for many."
By helping one another to ward off the pitfalls involved in recovering and
healing from over-controlling behaviors, fellow believers are strengthening the
corporate Body of Christ and helping each other to stay focused and clear about
what is healthy and unhealthy in dealing with these control issues as they arise
in their everyday life.
New
Healthy Control Related Actions for Victorious Living
By
continuous Scripture reading, daily prayer and meditation, and accountable
fellowship with fellow Christians, a believer will heal the thoughts and
emotions involved in unhealthy over-controlling behaviors. With the new
perspective, the “healed” over-controller is then ready to do four major
actions in reducing over-controlling behaviors:
Admitting
Powerlessness: This
is accepting that only God can control all things. This is surrendering to
God’s sovereign power and will. This total surrender is the one commanded by
Christ in Luke 9 23 & 24: "...if anyone would come after me: he must deny himself and take up his
cross daily and follow me. For whoever want to save his life will lose it but
whoever loses his life for me will save it."
Letting
Go to God of the Uncontrollables and Unchangeables: This
is the handing over to God of all of the people, places, things and conditions
outside of oneself which are not covered by the internal locus of control. This
external locus of control issues must be handed over to God. Christ in Luke
commands this to all who desire to follow Him 16:13: "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love
the other or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other..."
Detachment:
This
is the not allowing any of the cons, manipulation or intimidation of others
“Hook” you into taking on an Over-controlling A behavior to rescue, fix or
take care of them. This means that you are able to feel good enough about
yourself that you do not allow guilt, need for approval or fear of rejection
dictate how you will cope with the pressure to become Over-controlling.
Detachment requires that we are forgiving of and loving towards those who are
trying to hook us into being over-controllers. It requires us to remember
Christ’s words in Mark 11:25 & 26: "and
when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so
that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
Also to recall the Lord’s statement in Luke 7:47: " ...her
many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven
little loves little."
Unconditional
Acceptance and Love of Others:
This is the fulfillment of Christ’s command to us in John 15:12 & 13: "My
command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one
than this that he lay down his life for his friends."
And in John 15: 17: This is my
command: Love each other. Christ, in Luke 6:27 asks us to love and accept
our enemies no matter how bad or mean they are to us: "...Love
your enemies: do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for
those who mistreat you."
Love is the sign of a true Christian Life
and the Lord in John 13:34 & 35 made this clear: "A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you
must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if
you love one another." Unconditional love and
acceptance of all of the people in your life who try to hook you into
over-control behaviors is the fulfillment of the Lord’s greatest commandment
in Mark 12:30 & 31: "Love
the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all our
mind and with all your strength and Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no
commandment greater than this."
Conclusion
to Handing Control
Over-Surrendering to
God's Control
As
a believer in Jesus Christ, the Christian is the new “Naos” or the Holy of
Holies in which God dwells. Each believer is a naos. The place of control then
in each Christian’s life is within the person due to the indwelling of the
Holy Spirit. By being the new “Naos” Christian have an immense gift upon
which they can depend and call upon continuously for the rest of their lives.
God’s indwelling provides a Christian with a guaranteed healthy use of their
Internal locus of control. However, Christians need to learn some tools to
accomplish a stress free life spared of Over-controlling behaviors. Christians
also need to practice principles of Christian life so as to insure that they
have the ability to put their newly learned anti-over-controlling tools into
effect.
To
live victoriously, a believer needs to rid self of over control in behaviors and
ways of relating to others. To do this the TEA system of recovery from
over-control must be put into effect so as to heal thought life, emotional life
and actions of life, which are control issue related. Once the TEA system is in
place the believer then must daily read the Scripture, pray and meditate. The
believer must also seek out support and accountability from fellow believers.
Finally once these two steps have been accomplished the believer then can admit
powerless, let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables, detach and
unconditionally accept life as it is rather than how it should be. This all adds
up to a plan, if put into place, which will result in the believer recognizing
the victory, peace, serenity and blessing of having accepted Jesus into his life
and maintaining a personal relationship with Him. Christians who use Christ as
the agent to which they let go all of those things crying out for Over control
will free the believer to enjoy life and accept life on life’s terms.
The
victorious Christian will attain the serenity, which Reinhold Neibuhr wrote
about, in his Prayer for Serenity by
implementing the practices of Christian living, the tools of letting go of
control and the anti-over-control actions:
God
grant me the serenity
This
requires establishing a healthy personal relationship with Jesus Christ to whom
all believers can let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in their
lives.
To
accept the things I cannot change
We
need to be realistic and rational and accept that we can change only our
thoughts, emotions and actions towards people, places, things and conditions,
which we want to change. We need to accept that in reality we are powerless in
our ability to change them.
Courage
to change the things I can
We
need to accept personal responsibility for our own lives, thinking, emotions,
and actions. We need to take care of ourselves better since we are the new
“Naos”. We need to stop being martyrs, fixers, rescuers, advice givers, and
enablers.
Wisdom
to know the difference
We
need to give Jesus a place in our life along with correcting our unhealthy,
irrational and unrealistic thinking so that we can better discern what is
uncontrollable and unchangeable in our lives.
Living
one day at a time
We
need to be patient and not want total self-change or recovery overnight. We need
to let go of the need for immediate gratification.
Enjoying
one moment at a time
We
need to relax and smell the roses. Have fun!
We need to tune into our inner children and enjoy life for what it is
rather than bemoaning it for how we want it to be.
Accepting
hardship as a pathway to peace
We
need to recognize that we are humans. It is only by fully accepting and
admitting our humanness, imperfection, and inability to control and change every
person, place, thing or condition in our lives that we will be able to achieve
peace and serenity for ourselves.
Taking,
as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it
We
need to accept that life cannot be as perfect as we would like it since every
person, place, thing and condition is imperfect because the human condition is
this way. We need to become realistic as to what is really possible in our
lifetimes if we are to be victorious and free of stress, anxiety, worry and
tension.
Trusting
that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will
In
letting go of the uncontrollable and unchangeable people, places, things and
conditions in our lives, we need to hand them over to Jesus Christ. We need to
have a strong faith, trust and hope that God is strong enough to handle these
problems. By handing them over no answers are guaranteed, but at least we have
unburdened the crushing weight of these concerns off our shoulders.
So
that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever
in the next.
By
letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in our lives we have allowed
these people, places, things and conditions to be responsible for themselves,
which takes a tremendous burden off of us. By freeing ourselves of this huge
burden, we will appreciate life more for what it is. We will have the energy and
strength to pursue our own interests. We will be able to relax and have fun. We
will be free to pursue our Christian life to a fuller level in our current lives
and with God forever in Heaven in the next.
Amen
My
wish for each one of you is that you will live these words daily in your life so
that you will be victorious in your life with Christ on earth.
God,
grant me serenity
to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage
to change the things I can
and
wisdom to know the difference.
Living
one day at a time,
enjoying
one moment at a time,
accepting
hardships as a pathway to peace
taking,
as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not
as I would have it,
trusting
that You will make all things right
if
I surrender to Your will.
So
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and
supremely happy with You forever
in
the next.
Amen
To
Beginning of Handing Control Over
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