Tools for Victorious Living

Handing Control Over by Surrendering to God's Control

Part 1: Irrational Rationales and Traps for Over-controlling & Healthy Alternatives

Content:

Irrational Rationales for Over-controlling
Traps Leading to Over-controlling
Healthy Control of Self

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Blooper which actually appeared in a Church Bulletin

Irrational Rationale for Over controlling Rationale

The above quote might be funny but there is a great deal of truth to it. Many Christian have a difficult time living victorious lives in Christ. They are often so shackled down with their emotional and behavioral baggage that they miss the point of being one of Christ’s children. Being Christian does not exempt people from the drive of human nature to control people, places, things and conditions in their lives. The following list contains rationalizations which many people give to explain away why they are so controlling in their lives.

Rationalizations or Excuses People Give to Explain Away their Over-controlling Behaviors

If they control other people, those people will do what they want them to do.
It's a way to keep everything orderly, precise, and predictable, so that they don't go crazy or insane.
They hate to be out of control or to lose their control.
If things don't go their way, then they feel they'll have to work harder or have to struggle to reorganize and correct them.
They have a hard time seeing people they care for hurting because their lives are out of control.
They hate to have people see their true feelings especially if they are angry, unpleasant, or negative so they struggle to control them and keep them in so as not to upset others.
They have to be on the watch for being taken advantage of by others.
They are afraid of being manipulated or led into doing something they really don't want to do.
When they see something or someone who needs to be fixed, they often step in.
They came from a dysfunctional or crazy home life and they have no desire to repeat it in their current home life.
They have an image, dream, or ideal of the way things are supposed to be and they work at trying to get it to be that way.
They are afraid that if they don't take care of things, things will never get done.
They feel if ``they don't do it, then no one will.''
They are afraid that everything they have worked for will be lost, so they take control to ensure this doesn't happen.
When they feel intimidated, they compensate by taking more control of the situation.
They find it difficult not to help when they are presented with a person or thing which appears helpless and out of control.
They tend to hold to an ``it's my way or the highway'' approach with people who don't do what they want them to do. They hope this will ensure they change their bad behaviors.
They are frightened, scared, or nervous when things seem to be crazy or out of control so their first impulse is to take charge.
They want everybody in their immediate life to be happy and they'll do whatever it takes to make it so.
They know how hard life can be on those who go into it unprepared and unaware, so they do whatever it takes to make sure the people they care for are not taken advantage of.

These excuses for overuse of controlling in life are irrational beliefs and defy Hope in Jesus who once and for all made it possible for all people to be saved and to inherit heaven. These irrational beliefs are lies which seem to be based in the father of all lies about whom Christ said: "...when he lies he speaks his native language for he is a liar and the Father of lies." (John 8:44). Living a victorious life in Christ frees people from needing to control others so as to have life be the way they want it to be. Most people who try to control people, places, things and conditions out of irrational, unhealthy thinking have ignored the exhortation of Christ: "Do not let your hearts be troubled, Trust in God, Trust also in Me." (John14:1). We who claim Christ as our savior, know that all that troubles is healed by placing our faith in God, since Christ himself affirmed: "...your faith has healed you." (Luke 23:43). How strong a faith do you have in God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit? If you find yourself falling into the above rationalizations for controlling behaviors, you must ask yourself: "Why is my faith so weak that I end up trying to do God’s work on earth?" You may need to plead with God the prayer of the father of the boy possessed who sought out Christ’s assistance: "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24) We must recognize that in trying to control the people, places, things and conditions around us, we are functioning in an exalted or power position, since only God has control over all things in life. As Jesus said: "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled and he who humbles himself will be exalted." (Luke 14:11) If we make a commitment to let go of the need to control and hand over everything, which we cannot control to God, then we will no longer be exalting ourselves but will be humbling ourselves in faith to the sovereign will of God in our life. If you are having a problem in over controlling you may need to examine how strong your faith in God actually is. You may need to ask yourself why are you no longer willing to allow God’s will to take effect rather than your will? You need to ask yourself why is it that you are not comfortable in saying: "...Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." (Matt 6:10).

Traps leading to Over-controlling

In the following list are some ways in which others control people to do for them the things they could do for themselves. They use manipulation, intimidation, conning, feigning crises so as to “hook” others into taking over control or rescuing them. Getting others to rescue them from conditions which they need to do for themselves is based on irrational, unhealthy thinking. This behavior defies the exhortation of Christ: "Give and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38). Christ exhorts his followers to not be self-serving and self-focused but rather other-serving and other-focused. Christ encouraged his followers to be personally responsible for themselves and they would receive their reward in eternal life for so doing this. By getting others to take care of them, these people display an obvious lack of faith in the sovereignty of God and have ignored Christ’s promise: "Every thing is possible for him who believes." (Mark 5:25-34). People who manipulate, intimidate, con or badger others into taking over-control for their lives are not living out God’s will in their lives. They are out of fellowship with Christ since he said: "Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother." (Mark 3:35). Taking advantage of the good will of others and getting them to sacrifice themselves to take care of you is out of the will of God since God expects each one of us to carry our own load. By being over-dependent, helpless and needy we are setting up an evil trap for our controlling prone brothers and sisters. As Jesus in Luke 6:45 warned us: "the good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." If we are guilty of getting others to take over for our personal lives we are responsible for taking advantage of their generosity and love. We must recognize that in manipulating others to take over for our needs we are working against God’s sovereign plan for our lives, since Christ pointed out that in the case of the blind man in John 9:3 that "...this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." God’s sovereign will is not known to us. We are most likely competing or fighting God’s plan for us by not handling our life’s needs on our own without the caretaking and fixing of those we have conned into rescuing us.

Ways People Con Others into Rescuing Them or Taking Control For Them

They act helpless, incompetent, or lost.
They make the other person feel very important and essential in their life.
They tell the other person reasons which are a lie why they couldn't get things done.
They feel self-pity and act out the belief that they have done everything for everyone in their lives so it's their turn now to be taken care of.
They act tense, anxious, and stressed out and incapable of caring for themselves.
They resort to threats of suicide or self-destruction to get others to care for them.
They give others a set of conditions the others must do for them before they will give them acceptance, care, or approval.
They offer others rewards if the others will do what they want done.
They threaten others with withdrawal of attention, support, affection, or approval if the others don't do what they want done.
They withhold their involvement, attention, and concern if the others don't do what they want done.
They play on others’ sympathy and concern by being a pathetic martyr, overworked and unappreciated victim.
They play on their physical or emotional illness, be it real or perceived, to get others to do for them.
They play on the others’ need to be needed to get them to take care of them.
They play up to others’ guilt and over-responsible nature to get what they want.
They act dependent in order to give the other a sense of importance and value in helping them.
They fall apart when faced with having to do something which they would rather not do.
They play up to a person who has a need to fix things that things have gotten so ``out of control'' for them.
They promise to change or reform the behaviors the other wants them to change in order to get what they want out of the other, never meaning to change or reform.
When they sense another person is pulling away from them, they feign a problem or need which they believe will get that person involved with them again.
They act as if they have forgotten to do something which they know the other will do for them.

Healthy Control of Self

The following list contains signs of healthy control of people’s personal emotional responses to the challenges in their lives It is important to recognize how well we, control our emotional response to life. We must be alert to how much power we give to other persons, places, and things to affect our thinking, feelings and actions. Our power comes from our life in Christ. If we give others the power over us we are doing exactly what Jesus warned against in Luke 8:16: "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead he puts it on a stand so that those who come see the light." We must then consider how often are our feelings out of control? How does it make us feel to recognize our feelings are out of control? John the Baptist gave us the path to healing this out of control feeling and that is by placing our lives more into Christ’s life as he pointed out in John 3:30: "He must become greater, (in my life) I must become less (in my own life)." We then need to identify what irrational thinking or lies of the Father of all lies, underlies the over or under control of our emotional life. By taking control one way or the other we are puffing ourselves up as if we are powerful and able to control life. We are not heeding Christ’s call to humility in Luke 9:48: "...for he who is least among you - he is the greatest." We need to also ask the hard questions as to how well have we accepted that faith in the power of God in our lives is dependent on our blindly handing over ourselves to God whom we have never seen. Faith is the opposite of fear and Jesus warned us that it is easier to trust and have faith when you have seen Jesus but it is even great faith when one does so blindly: "Because you have seen me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." (John 20:29). Finally we need to challenge ourselves as to how much do we really trust in Jesus and God. How many of us allow ourselves to worry about the people, places, things and conditions in our lives over which we have no control? When we do worry like this we ignore Christ’s warning: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" (Luke 12:25 & 26).

How People Demonstrate Healthy Self Control in Their Lives

They allow themselves to be free, open, and expressive to the feelings they are experiencing at the moment.
They usually do not try to hide their feelings, be they positive or negative.
They are usually able to accept the consequences of others' response to their positive or negative feelings.
They are able to freely express their anger, in an assertive confrontation mode with no raging, yelling, screaming, ranting, or raving at other people.
They do not avoid letting others know if they are angry with them and yet they don't blow their cool in the telling.
They can show enjoyment, excitement, and enthusiastic feelings when the event appropriately calls for such a response.
They are able to openly cry and grieve a loss event in their lives.
They are able to do anger workouts over old, unresolved anger in their lives so as to free themselves of the emotional burden and drain these repressed and unresolved feelings have on their emotional energy.
They are able to express their violent rage and anger outbursts privately so that they can return to people in a more composed way to let them know in a healthy assertive way how angry they are.
They are able to analyze their emotions at the time and to see if they are congruent or in synch with their thinking and actions. If they are not, they are able to figure out why and what to do about it.
They are able to not allow Self-pity to be a driving force in their attitude about freely giving of their time and energy to accomplish what they want out of life.
If people in their lives are acting out of control, they are able to freely express their feelings of disappointment or disagreement and yet not get hooked into being out of control with them.
If they feel intimidated by other people, they freely admit their feelings to themselves and choose not to let these people control the way they feel, think, or act.
They are able to admit feeling powerless over those things out of their control to change, fix, or rescue.
They are able to feel at ease and have serenity in letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in their lives.
They do not feel they are alone in having to deal with the pressures of life because they feel they have God to whom they can hand the uncontrollables and unchangeables over which they feel powerless.
They feel detached from the behaviors, actions, and negative aspects of the people in their lives for whom they care a great deal and yet are not able to fix, rescue, or change.
They are able to feel good about themselves with no guilt or remorse when they feel detached from the people with whom they have had toxic relationships in the past.
They do not let fantasies, dreams, traditions, or promises of the way things are supposed to be interfere with their rationally experiencing life the way it really is.
They have no need to be invisible or on guard so as not to be vulnerable to feeling hurt or pain, because they feel it is better for them to be vulnerable in life to experience authentic human growth.

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