Type of Confrontation

Typical Response of Others to it

What Christ would do, based on His message in the Sermon on the Mount

Angry confrontation: This is when you’re angry with someone and you reveal your anger to that person by words and/or actions. It is explosive:

Saying: “You piss me off,” while throwing objects down or slamming the door.

Telling another: ”Get out of here'' while physically pushing the person out of the way.

They usually react like they understand how you are feeling. Their reaction to your anger depends on how they would react to any anger situation. Typically they are turned off and get angry with you, creating a greater conflict in the process.

Christ would say do anger work-outs on your own and do not let your mouth and behaviors give others the false impression of who you are, because in Luke 6:45 He said: “The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.”

Accusation: This is a direct confrontation of a person regarding your belief that their behavior was upsetting or unacceptable.

“You were the person who started the fight.”

“Your use of sarcasm upsets the tone of our meeting.”

“All those calls couldn't be business related.”

They usually become defensive and begin to protect themselves from your confrontation as if they had been attacked physically or verbally.

Christ would say do your anger work-out and get over it! After all in Luke 6:27-29 He tells us what to do with our perceived enemies: “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also…”

Blaming: This is similar to an accusation but it lays the total responsibility on another person for a problem that angers you.

“Your careless playing caused us to lose the game.”

“Your lack of interest in our relationship led to my having an affair.”

They are hurt, offended, and are usually quick to defend themselves from your blame on them.

Christ would say, do your anger work-outs; get rational, objective and healthy in your response to others. In Luke 6:30-31 He tells us: Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”

Ordering: This is your attempt to straighten someone out by giving directions that need to be followed to the letter immediately.

“To improve your performance you must work at least 30 minutes extra each night for the next month.”

“Change your clothes immediately! Get that ear ring out of your ear! And wash your face!”

They are offended by your authoritarian attitude and often react in a passive aggressive manner

Christ would say, do your anger work-outs, and become a forgiving, loving, helper and companion. In Luke 6:36-37 Christ says: Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon and you will be pardoned.”

Belittling: When you’re displeased with someone's behavior you try to make him or her feel especially bad by severely criticizing his or her unacceptable behavior.

“You are a sorry excuse for a human being.”

“Your presentation was pitiful. Did you notice everyone yawning? They were all bored!”

They are usually so befuddled, dismayed, and feeling insignificant and devalued that they retreat from you with lowered self-esteem.

Christ would say hey do your anger work-outs already; have you not gotten the message yet? He would also warn us that if we do not deal with our anger in healthy, rational way then it is worse than the offense, which we are belittling the other over. We see this in His statement in Luke 6:41: “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye; but do not notice the log that is in your own eye.” Take care of the “Logs of Anger” in your own life before you confront others.

Lecturing: When you really want to make a point you become grandiose and pompous. You give a person complete, rigid directions for what you feel are imperative.

“The only way to cut a lawn is from left to right overlapping one inch between rows.”

“The dining room table must be set exactly right, napkins folded so, and chairs angled so.”

They usually ignore you and what you are telling them because you come across too strong, too autocratic, and unbending.

“So you think you are a Teacher?” Christ would say. If you want to teach then do your anger work-out and be more objective and realistic in your dealings with the person who you are offended by. After all in Luke 6:33-40 He warns against this by: “A blind man cannot guide a blind man, can he? Will they not both fall into a pit? A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.” Once you get your anger out of your system you need to be open to learn from the offending party. We always can learn something from other in our lives.

Name calling: When you are really upset, out of control, and at an irrational level of anger, you resort to shouting or angrily calling out names of disdain, displeasure, and disrespect.

“You loser! How dare you!”

“Stupid idiot! Can't you see?”

The cursing, negative attitude, and rage upset them. They back off from, avoid, and ignore you.

Christ would say, “I see you have not been doing your anger work-outs by those horrible names you are calling your brother.” Remember, in Matthew 5:22, Christ said: “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court, and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing.’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell.” Name calling has no place in healthy, rational, and realistic relationships with people even those whom you allow to get on your nerves.

Scolding: If you am upset and disappointed with the behavior of a person, you can resort to a finger-pointing tirade to let that person know of your displeasure.

“I'm tired of this. I'm in charge and you don't act like anything is important.”

“Your grades in school are horrible! What have you been doing this semester? Daydreaming?”

They feel like they are being treated with disrespect, a lack of understanding, and often turned away from you instead of correcting their behavior, as you’ve demanded them to do.

By now Christ would say that you already know that anger work-outs are necessary to get rational and calm so that you can confront the situation in a more sane way. Remember Christ said in Matthew 5:43-44: You have heard that it was said; You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

Put downs: If a person has upset you and you want that person not only to squirm but to be equally upset, then you resort to a sarcastic put down, trying to make the person feel miserable and embarrassed.

“Thank Goodness we have ‘white out’ around here. We need a paint can of it for your work.”

“What do you expect from a college graduate?”

They are extremely put off by your sarcasm and cynicism. They are incensed and either ignore you and avoid future contacts with you or fight back with vigor.

Do your anger works-outs before you talk to people who offend you. Christ calls us to get rational, healthy, and respectful when dealing with our anger with others. “Put downs” have no place. After all Christ reminds us in Matthew 5:5-7 that: “Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Bless are the merciful for they shall receive mercy.”

Indirect confrontation: This is a statement of concern you make to a group of people with no specific person pinpointed. The purpose is to let people know your feelings in a general way. No one gets singled out.

“I want each of you to get behind my desire to improve our production.”

“I am upset with the way some of you are acting around here.”

They know what is bothering you but usually don't respond; they are never quite certain to whom it was directed.

Christ would say after you do your anger work-outs and are ready to confront the offending party, put on your “armor of strength” so that as He said in Matthew 5:16: you can “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”

Direct confrontation: This is your clear, precise statement of the facts to a person whom you believe needs direction and guidance. You either want quality action taken or you want this person to do something for you.

“John, please clean this place before I return.”

“Mary, the way to get my attention is by writing a memo to me, not by skipping work.”

They realize what you are upset about and they either respond or ignore what you say.

Christ would say, that after you have done your anger work-out at least you were direct with your offending party. But he would encourage you to go further and work at being clearer with your emotions and what changes you want from the other. He tells us in Matthew 5:8-10 that you will be like these: “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Assertive confrontation: This is when you stand up you’re your rights with a person who has ignored your rights. It is objective and non-accusatory.

“I get frustrated when you ignore my offers of help.”

“I was angry when I got passed over for that promotion.”

They recognize that you have hurt feelings, and that needs of yours have not been met. They know how they can correct the situation for you.

Christ would say I am so proud of you for having done your anger work-out before you assertively confronted that situation, since in Luke 6:38 He tells us that we will be rewarded for the good we do for others: “Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure-pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”