Tools for Victorious Living

Reclaiming Victory in Christ by Healthy Handling of Anger

Part 2: Honestly Facing Specific Anger Issues

Identifying anger issues negatively impacting victorious living
Resentment: a cancer which robs the victory out of life
Signs if you are filled with anger but unaware and not experiencing victorious living in Christ
Behavioral patterns of silent withdrawn anger which rob you of victorious living in Christ
Signs that you are caught up with getting revenge in your life over unresolved past anger issues

Identifying anger issues negatively impacting victorious living

Maybe what you need to do is to redefine the role of anger in your life. You may need to accept that anger is a signal that things are not going your way. You might need to reframe your attitude about anger and see it as a motivator for you to change things or to rectify them. If you are finding that you are not victorious in your life you might need to accept that one cause of it could be that unresolved anger blocks your emotional growth and robs you of your joy and zest for life. You might need to accept anger as a sign that you need to take an assertive stance to tune into how you are feeling and why. You might need to accept that anger is directly related to your thoughts. If you have angry thoughts you will become angry. However, if you don't have angry thoughts, you won't become angry. Also you need to accept that depression is anger that has been suppressed. If you find that you are a hostile person then you need to accept that a hostile attitude is often the sign of an individual with chronic, unresolved anger. The anger can be expressed in either passive or aggressive ways. You need to accept that if you are aggressive in your anger that aggressive anger, verbal or physical, only intensifies once it begins to be expressed. If you shower your anger on other people in a “cathartic” process that such catharsis of anger, the ventilation of anger on a person, usually leads to an increase in anger. Anger usually intensifies when expressed in this way. You need to accept that anger is usually related to you and you reaction to something or someone. It is controllable by teaching yourself new ways to handle the “anger provoking” people, places, things, situations, or events. You need to assess if your angry reaction to a current situation may be because the situation is a “trigger” or “hot button” that drags up “old,” unresolved anger. Anger is not always bad for us. You many need to be open to accept that anger can be turned into a source of strength to change your way of acting and reacting to situations, events, or people. You need to accept that ventilating anger directly on people is aggressive behavior and benefits no one. Since you usually feel guilt, shame, or even greater anger after such ventilation. Whatever provoked your anger usually doesn't change. So you need to harness anger into a productive force in your life so as to assist your spiritual and emotional, growth.

Resentment: a cancer which robs the victory out of life

Resentment is the harboring of animosity against a person or group of people whom you feel has mistreated or denied you your rights.. It is a grudge you hold against a person or group of people whom you feel has kept you from achieving a success in life you aspired to. Resentment is a form of unresolved anger you have over negative events which occurred in your past life. You know your are filled with resentment because you feel a seething, aching emotional turmoil whenever a certain person or event is discussed. It results in your inability to forgive and inability to let go and inability to forget. Resentment often is the root of distrust and suspicion you have when dealing with people or events that brought you pain in the past. It results from unresolved grief you experienced when you found it difficult to accept a loss in your life. Resentment then comes from being heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort and energy to achieve something that eventually was lost to you. It results in feelings that you were unjustly victimized with no resolution to the problem. Resentment is a smoldering, long-term suffering in silence when an open expression of hurt is unwanted and uninvited so much so that it is a cancer robbing you of contentment in life. It robs you of the Victory in life, which comes from having Christ and the Gospel in your life. It becomes the root of your depression, which keeps you stuck and not growing as a person.

You know you are filled with resentment toward a person or group of people when you find yourself doing one or more of the following behaviors:

You pout or fume silently in their presence or at the mention of their name.
You get upset when music, a movie, or a TV show reminds you of the unpleasant interactions you have had with them.
You speak in a derisive or demeaning way about them.
You have nightmares or distressing thoughts or daydreams about them.
You find yourself stuck in my efforts for personal growth and you don't even know why.
You get furious for no apparent reason.
You get depressed, despondent, and find yourself going in circles in your attempts to overcome these negative feelings.
You avoid mentioning or discussing anything that relates to your past anger with them.
You grit your teeth and smile when you really want to scream and yell when these people are mentioned to you.
You fake enthusiasm and excitement about being with these people when you'd rather have nothing to do with them.

Signs if you are filled with anger but unaware and not experiencing victorious living in Christ

If you have any doubt that you have unresolved anger in your life review these signs to see if any of them are true for you:

Ignoring the ``yes'' messages in your life. Being used to receiving “no’s,” you make the assumption that things will remain the same. When people give you a “yes,” which is permission to act in a healthy way, you ignore them, assuming the worst, and continue to react as if you had been given a “no.”
Having a chip on your shoulder. Because you assume that things will always go wrong people perceive you as sullen, angry, negative, and easily agitated.
Giving power to others. By assuming the worst about people, places, things, or events you allow them to upset, bother, or agitate you. This means you give them power over you which is negative power.
Prejudiced or bigoted behavior. By assuming that a person or group of people will always act the same way, you react to them in a negative way. This puts an emotional and/or physical distance between you and them, leaving no chance for healing.
Acting in a stereotypic way. By making assumptions about how something or someone is always going to be, you act in a “predetermined” way regarding the particular issue (s). This allows little flexibility and spontaneity in your life.
Thinking and/or acting irrationally. Most of the assumptions you reach are based on irrational thinking. The possibility of change is not considered.
Fulfillment of the prophecy. By assuming that the worst is going to happen, you subconsciously set things up so that they do happen and in just the negative way you predicted.
Being close-minded. If you assumed that there is only one way things will always be, then your mind is closed to other possibilities. This results in your becoming closed or resistant to change, even to changes for the better. You simply refuse to believe they are true.
Living with blinders on. Reaching the assumption that there is only one way things are going to be, you become unable to look forward. You refuse to see the possibility of things being different. You become narrow in your focus.
Being rigid and inflexible. By assuming that things can't change, your behavior gets stuck on one track. You’re on a one-way street to nowhere, in a deep rut. You find it impossible to be spontaneous or flexible.
Being insensitive and uncaring. By assuming that everyone with whom you come in contact will treat you negatively, you throw emotional barriers up so high that no one can see your feelings. This results in your appearing cold and aloof.
Self-sabotaging behavior. Assuming that only the worst will happen to you, you do or say things that hamper your growth or success. Failure and loss are the result.

Behavioral patterns of silent withdrawn anger which rob you of victorious living in Christ

When you withdraw from the open expression and admission of your anger, you set yourself up for alternative forms of unhealthy anger expression, which are often self-destructive. They include:

Binging and purging. This is the clearest evidence of your internal anger. Purging violates your person and masks your raging anger. It is one way to rid yourself of anger without having to express it.
Escaping into alcohol or other drugs. You choose alcohol or another drug to medicate your anger and calm yourself down. You find yourself consuming these substances to the degree to which you currently stuff or have stuffed anger in the past. The anger is never exhausted and you need continuous medication to silence it.
Overeating. This is a figurative and literal form of stuffing your anger down. In an attempt to nurture yourself, you treat yourself to a calming friend: food. Unfortunately your “friend” food overwhelms you by adding pound after pound. The “jolly fat person” is often really silently anger.
Daydreaming. When you are angry at what is going on, you can withdraw into yourself; escape into your imagination through vivid daydreams. Your fantasies concern how you would like your life to be. Your daydreams are of a perfect life where your enemies are punished and you succeed.
People-pleasing behavior. You find it impossible to be honest with people when they have angered you so you set out to please them. You either do as much as you can for them so that they are grateful and never anger you, or you put your “happy, good” face on so they never know how angry with them, you really are.
Entertaining behavior. Rather than confront your angry feelings honestly, you resort to jokes, stories, quips, or any other diversion to avoid the angry feelings and act happy. You push your anger down and away.
Pulling-in behavior. Recognizing that it is better to be invisible during negative situations, you you’re your feelings in and avoid contact with those who anger you. You become more and more isolated from the anger stimulus. You pull your anger deep inside.
Compulsive behavior. Excessive gambling, compulsive shopping, and credit card use, uncontrolled sexual activity alone or with others, excessive reading or any other behavior gone out of control are external expressions of the anger that you harbor silently within you.
Workaholism. Escaping into your work or studies is a convenient outlet with which to avoid dealing with your anger. Because others often reward this behavior, it is a great way to hide your angry feelings, especially if they are negative and either unattractive or unacceptable to yourself.
Social isolation. Fearing that you will express your anger openly if people provoke you, you find it better to isolate and insulate yourself from society. Being socially isolated becomes so comfortable that you choose to be a loner, a recluse, or a hermit never running the risk of interaction with others.
Depression. This takes many forms, including lethargy and exhaustion. It is unresolved anger. It robs you of your energy and enthusiasm about life. You are often blue, down, and flat. It is hard to believe that you are filled with the joy and peace, which surpasses all understanding when you are feeling this way.
Stubbornness. You are so determined not to let others “get” to you with their negative attitudes that you become stuck in your resolve to withhold your emotional response. You get so stuck that you become unable to ventilate your anger even in role play or imagined anger work-out sessions.
Wearing masks. Rather than let your anger show, you wear a mask in front of those who anger you. You withdraw your true feelings into yourself, often permanently hiding them behind masks so that even you don't know what they are.
Peace at any price. You fear conflicts so that you will do anything to cover the anger and keep the peace. “Peace at any price” is often your motto. You work hard at keeping all anger both yours and others’ hidden. Unfortunately, this often causes problems; the very conflicts you try to avoid happen anyway, but you are unprepared to handle them honestly and openly.
Shyness. Because you work so hard at avoiding your true feelings (especially the negative ones) you find it painfully difficult to speak with or meet people in groups. You get so used to not speaking that it becomes harder and harder for you to even try.
Stress-related physical illness. Certain physical illnesses are directly related to your inability to confront your anger in a healthy way the moment you feel it. These ailments include high blood pressure, cardiac disease, ulcers, many kinds of cancer, gastro-intestinal diseases, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, and many others.
Using denial. Because you constantly want life to be happy, pleasant, and more satisfying than it is, you often resort to denial. You deny anger or hostility against those people who hurt, badger, or anger your. You remain unable to resolve your discomfort because your denial blinds you to the causes of it.
Minimizing. It is so much easier to overlook or minimize the impact of negative stimuli in your life than to confront it. However, this attitude misleads people and clouds your priorities. Your life gets out of focus and you’re unprepared to deal with reality.
Procrastinating. Rather than confront issues that might result in negative feelings on your part or others, you put off that which needs immediate attention. This just worsens or exacerbates an already difficult situation and eventually ends in deleterious results for yourself and others. You wind up with disproportionate anger plus guilt.
Controlling. You control the situations in your life to avoid the discomfort of being angry. You like to control people and resort to intimidation and manipulation. It isn't honest, but you think everyone will understand why you had to do it when things finally turn out right and you and they all live happily ever after, which really rarely ever happens.

Signs that you are caught up with getting revenge in your life over unresolved past anger issues

You are unwilling to admit that you have any anger in your life, for fear of guilt of displeasing God because you have such anger. Yet, your behaviors may reflect an attitude of revenge seeking by many of the following behaviors. See if any of the revenge seeking behaviors are true for you:

You are rarely happy with the people in my life.
You are rarely content with my life.
You are rarely content with my material success.
You are driven to work harder and longer hours to get ahead.
You seem to work harder and enjoy it less.
You are unable to find a job that I thoroughly enjoy.
You tend to jump from job to job with no long-term planning involved.
Your relationship with your spouse (or significant other) is clouded by your unresolved anger against person(s) of the same sex as your spouse (or significant other).
You find that you are often at odds with your spouse (or significant other) over anger issues from the past.
No matter how your spouse (or significant other) tries to change, it is never satisfying to you and you let this fact be known.
You overreact to little things your spouse (or significant) other does because it taps into old hurts.
You avoid intimate relationships for fear of rejection, non-acceptance, hurt, or pain.
You shy away from romantic relationships; you really don't trust the opposite sex.
You are filled with excuses for why you’re not ready for a committed relationship.
You are guarded and defensive in a group of new people.
You find people shy away from you once they have met you because they sense your bitterness.
You are rarely able to relax, kick up your heels, and just have fun.
You are obsessed with the idea of “getting even” with others.
You are bothered by paranoid thinking; you feel that others are out to get you.
You find it difficult to accept the idea of forgiving your enemies and forgetting their offenses against you.
You find it difficult to believe that you need to make amends to those you may have hurt, offended, or treated unfairly. You find it difficult to believe in turning the other cheek.
You would rather wage war against those who have hurt you than to make peace.
It is difficult for you to accept that your parents and family did the best they could knowing what they did at the time.
It is difficult for you to let go of your anger against those who have scarred your psyche for life.
You find those who are “all forgiving” too good to be true.
“Getting even” is a prime motivator for success in life; you are hesitant to let go of this rationale for your behavior.
Having been the object of prejudice and bigotry, you find it hard to believe that it is better to forgive and forget than to seek revenge.
If it is good enough for society, why isn't it all right for you to get your just retribution for offenses committed against you, you believe.
You find it difficult to come to a compromise in which each person comes out feeling like a “winner.”

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