An assessment of where you are with Anger

What is your definition of anger? Do you know what usually makes you angry? Can you identify who usually make you angry? Are you aware of what are your “hot buttons” or “triggers” which are likely to arouse your anger? How do you usually express your anger? How healthy is are expressions of anger? How do you feel when you are in the midst of expressing anger? How do you feel after you have expressed your anger? What are the benefits to you of openly expressing anger? What inhibits your ability to express anger? How do others react to your open expressions of anger? What negative results occur from your expressions of anger? What are the positive outcomes of your expressions of anger? Where are your problems with anger rooted? How can you recognize your anger, deal with, and then express it in a healthy way? . What anger issues in your life remain unresolved?  Who are the people with whom you still have unresolved anger? What events continue to conjure up anger for you today? What attempts have you made to work on your unresolved anger? How can you free yourself up to work on your unresolved anger? What inhibits you about “anger work-out” on your unresolved issues? How can you forgive, forget, and heal the past anger?

There is a real problem for people who are striving to live a “God-filled” life when it comes to dealing with anger. There is a real dilemma since there is little support in written or spoken tradition to provide guidelines on how to handle anger in a “God like way.” In fact most people who are raised in “church” view anger as a severe sin and therefore they feel quite guilty when they experience the feelings of anger or worst yet experience the types of actions which are involved in Anger.

Description of types and faces of anger

There are two types of anger:

• Anger In: This is a feeling of anger but directing it toward oneself, inwardly directed anger. It is manifested by depression or suppressed hostility.

• Anger Out: This is a feeling of anger and directing it toward other persons or things, outwardly directed anger.

Anger has many faces, which are primarily Anger, Hostility and Aggression. The difference between them are:

• Anger refers to an emotional state consisting of feelings that vary in intensity from mild irritation or annoyance to intense fury and rage.

• Hostility refers to an emotional state involving angry feelings that result in a complex set of attitudes. These attitudes motivate aggressive behavior directed at people or things.

• Aggression refers to a set of behavior traits directed at destroying objects and injuring or punishing people.

People have common ways of dealing with anger and they are:

• Repression - experiencing but immediately forgetting or stuffing the anger

• Nonfeeling - never even identifying the feelings or sensation of being angry

• Displacement - getting angry with a person or thing when something or someone else is the actual target of the anger

• Controlling - holding in the emotional storm of the anger

• Suppression - experiencing the anger but holding it in with no expression of it.

• Quiet crying - suppressed anger with no verbal or physical cathartic process; this stifles the emotion of anger and changes it to sadness and pain

• Overreaction - fury or rage at something or someone who perhaps does not deserve such a reaction.

• Assertive confrontation - a direct response of how I feel about the person or thing that angered me

A healthy, rational, realistic, and moral way of dealing with anger, which is rooted in your past

If you are angry, you need to first face the anger for what it is and don't avoid it. You will need to identify the feelings at the root of your anger (anger-out) or depression. (anger-in) and use “I statements” to express the feelings of your anger. In the process you need to identify the jealousy, pride, guilt, resentment, rage, fear, embarrassment, depression involved in this anger. Once you have identified them you need to confront the issues that stimulate the anger. Analyze them for what they are: are they stimuli drawing on deep-seated subconscious feelings of anger that indicate unresolved emotional blocks from your past or are they current anger issues which are playing on your “humanity and weaknesses.” Also you need to determine if your anger is disproportionate to the precipitating event and determine if the event was nothing more than a trigger of deeply seated old anger over things in your past, which has never been resolved. You then can use imagery, role playing, an empty chair, or other object to confront past hurts and pains and express the submerged feelings that come out as you deal with this anger. Once you have expelled the explosive anger emotional response you have been feeling then you need to inform people in your current life of your need to analyze your anger responses. You need to make them part of your process and seek their assistance and understanding in this exploration. If your current anger is not the result of efforts to uncover submerged feelings of old anger, then treat the current anger with rational “I' statements” like: “I feel angry because….”

Steps for a healthy, rational, realistic, and moral handling of an anger stimulating event

Once your anger is aroused try these steps:

Step 1:  

• Relax yourself by using deep, natural breathing and muscle relaxation.

• Take deep breaths and silently repeat the words “relax” until you are able to calm down.

• Do not say or do anything until you are calm.

• Avoid words or actions in the “heat” of the moment.

Step 2: Recognize what arouses or provokes your anger:

• Is it a situation, an event, a person?

• Is it real or imagined?

Step 3: Use a rational approach to “rethink” “reframe,” and reason what is going on and why you are angry.

• Is this a trigger event bringing up old, unresolved anger/resentment?

• How is this provocation of your anger a product of your past?

• What is the real reason you are getting angry?

• Maybe the person provoking your anger is having a bad day or needs more of your understanding.

• What are your feelings about this?

• What needs to be changed here?

• What alternatives could you use to get good results in handling this situation?

Step 4: Once I have a “clearer” idea of what is going on, take steps to change the anger-provoking situation.

• Use “I statements”. “I feel angry when you …”

• Clarify your feelings.

• Point out issues needing clarity.

• Relate to the person (stimulating your anger) how what is happening now is triggering feelings from your past.

• Identify the unresolved anger, resentment, hostility, or depression, and work on it.

• Inject some humor into the situation to defuse the anger or hostility.

Step 5: To rid yourself of any leftover hostility and aggression, promise yourself to perform as much healthy  “anger work-out” process on your own as needed.

Healthy, rational, rational, realistic and moral ways to perform a healthy “anger work-out”

Anger work-out refers to a healthy and full expression of anger on inanimate objects; not on people so as to rid yourself of hostility and aggression aroused by your anger. Each of the following techniques could be used alone or in any combination.

• beating on pillows

• beating on a mattress

• stomping on floor

• beating a bed with tennis or racquetball racket

• beating a rug with a stick

• hitting a weight bag or punching bag

• physical exertion, i.e., playing racquetball, tennis, hand ball, etc.

• yelling in a car with windows closed

• yelling in a paper bag

• ripping up a telephone book or newspapers

• hammering nails in a board

• games in an amusement park that require pounding

• throwing soft objects

• beating a pillow or bed with a foam or plastic bat

• karate or judo practice

• beating drums

• loud yelling

• screaming at a concert or sports event

• screaming in a vacant field or park

• using a shovel to dig holes in the dirt

• hitting balls or stones with a baseball bat

• hitting a ball against a wall with racket or hand

• bowling to hit all the pins down

• writing a letter of anger, but ripping it up the next day and not mailing it

• expressing feelings by writing in a journal

• wringing a wet towel

• using a hammer to smash glass in a bag

• kneading bread or play dough

Steps in doing an “anger work-out” session over past anger

In handling a current anger situation you may come upon a trigger event that brings up past feelings of hurt, pain, resentment, hostility, or anger. The trigger event is not what you are reacting to, however. It is the past situation, one that went unresolved to which you am reacting. The following steps can help me work out unresolved anger:

Step 1:  Take a pillow, cushion, or weight bag and go to your bedroom or to a quiet location alone.

Step 2:  Stand in front of the pillow, cushion,  or weight bag, which is placed on a bed, a chair, or the floor.

Step 3:  Begin to visualize a scene or series of scenes surrounding the event over which you have unresolved anger.

Step 4:  As you visualize the scene and feel your anger rise, begin to pound the pillow, cushion, or weight bag and shout how you “feel” about the situation, event, or person and yell your guts out!

Step 5:  Continue pounding the pillow, cushion, or weight bag and letting your feelings out until you feel satiated.

Step 6:  At this point you begin to use reason and rationality to reframe or restate the situation. Begin to allow yourself to forgive those  people, places, situations, or events for what happened to you. Do not proceed to the next step until you can come to a “healing” of your spirit. Repeat Steps 3 and 4 as often as necessary if you are stuck.

Step 7: Once you feel as if you  have been able to forgive and feel healing beginning ,  write down what it was that made the reframed or restated situation take less blame, allowing the forgetting to take place.

Step 8: If those involved in the unresolved anger situation are still available (alive) and capable of communicating on a healing, non-blaming, feelings level, share your resolution with them and let the forgiveness and healing become alive. If those involved are unavailable, let the forgiveness and healing take hold in your heart.

In Step 8 you can perform an act of forgiving and forgetting  by using the outline  below to develop a script for a face to face meeting or for a letter you send the person.. You do not need to send the letter or use the script unless you feel it would act as a tool of healing for the hurting relationship you have with the person addressed.

Script and Letter of Forgiving and Forgetting

• I have used anger work-out to forgive and forget the following events and episodes which occurred in which I felt you had ignored my rights, hurt or abused me, and we never openly talked about how angry I was when these things happened:

• I am committed to continue to let go of my anger over these past hurts and pains. I intend to speak up immediately when I feel hurt. My honest, assertive behavior will allow me to change my life and improve my relationships.

• I accept that your actions were based on your own compulsive behavior and the scripts you learned in your family of origin.

• I believe that you are a different person today from the one who hurt me. You have changed in the following ways:

• I recognize that even though I have suffered, the following things brought equal pain to you:

• I am ready to forgive you and work at blotting out the memory of the hurt. I'd like to emphasize the positive in our relationship and work on improving the negative.

OR

Step 8 Alternative:

Use the Read, Write and Burn technique:

• Set a time for one hour, alone, same time every day Example: 8-9 p.m. (maximum of 1.5 hours)

• On odd numbered days, during their time, write all the "good-bad" memories/all obsessive and anger thoughts. You must write for one hour, even if you repeat the same statement over and over.

• On even numbered days, read the previous days notes with gusto and lots of anger expression and then burn them.

• If any unwanted anger thoughts come up at other times you must "table" them until the daily scheduled one hour time. Write a brief note to remind yourself what was on your mind at the time so you can write about it during your “Scheduled Time.”

• This technique is effective because it objectifies the your anger. It does not allow the  your intrusive angry thoughts to continue throughout the day. It allows and permits the you to express all negative thoughts and feelings. It facilitates catharsis by "burning up" problems, watching them "go up in smoke." It helps the you to eventually realize that there are better things to do than obsess over the negative.

Step 9:  If in the future a trigger event brings this same unresolved anger out, repeat Steps 1 through 8. Some unresolved anger situations call for repeated anger work-out. You may need to repeat these steps many, many times.

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