Coping.org: Tools for Coping with Life's Stressors

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Step 12

The SEA's Program 

SEA's 12 Step Guide

Step 9

Content:

   

Step 9

Step 9:  We made direct amends to such persons wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or ourselves.

Making Amends

Step 9 requires that you make amends to those people you identified in Step 8. You are expected only to make amends with people when neither you nor they will be harmed by this action.

Making amends is the process of not only seeking forgiveness for the behaviors which caused the harm but also giving these people permission to "call you'' on it or give you feedback when you are reverting back to your old behaviors.

To assist you on Step 9, look at: Tools for Personal Growth, Handling Guilt, and Accepting Personal Responsibility, and Tools for Relationships, Handling Forgiving and Forgetting, and Helping Another Recognize the Need for Help.

Amends-Making Behaviors

In order to make amends to those people you have harmed, you need to develop a set of behaviors which will facilitate the amends-making process. These behaviors include:

  • Ability to let go of past hurt.

  • Trust in the goodness of mankind.

  • Trust in the goodness and mercy of a Higher Power to give you strength to continue to be honest with yourself and others.

  • Letting go of the need to control and fix the uncontrollable and non-fixable.

  • Letting go of fear of the future.

  • Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to personal growth.

  • Ability to take a risk.

  • Letting go of resentment for past hurts.

  • Accepting personal responsibility for self.

  • Discontinuing blaming others for your problems.

  • Letting go of anger over the past.

  • Taking a risk that people do change.

  • Establishing a personal spirituality.

  • Open, honest, and assertive communication with others concerning hurts, pains, and offenses experienced.

  • Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to make amends. 

Amends-Making Process

Systematically begin to make amends to those people identified in Step 8 with whom making amends will not do harm to you or the other. As you work on Step 9, answer these questions.

1. What inhibits my desire to make amends with people? Give an example of why it is difficult to make amends to each person  you list in your journal:.

  • Name of Person   

  • Reason why difficult to make amends

2. What irrational thinking blocks your ability to make amends? Give some examples of these irrational beliefs.

3. What behaviors of yours are still blocking your ability to make amends?

4. What fears prevent you from making amends?

5. What areas of trust are lacking in your ability to make amends?

6. What "letting go'' behaviors do you still need to develop to make amends?

7. How does blaming interfere with your ability to make amends? Which people do you still blame for your problems?

8. What unresolved anger issues prevent you from making full amends?

9. What are some ways in which you go about making amends to people who are dead or no longer geographically available to you? How productive is it to write letters of amends to these people? To whom have you written letters of amends?

10. What are your feelings after you have an amends-making session with a person?

Conclusion

As you complete Step 9, rewrite in your own words why it is so important to you in your recovery from low self-esteem.

 

 

Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,  Email: jjmess@tampabay.rr.com  ©1999-2007 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D.  Note: Original materials on this site may be reproduced for your personal, educational, or noncommercial use as long as you credit the authors and website.