 Tools
for Relationships
Handling Fear of Rejection
Content:
What is fear of rejection?
Fear
of rejection is the:
Irrational
fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe, and
how I act.
Pervasive
motivator for caution in my behavior and interactions with others.
State
of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of
others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval.
State
of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval,
recognition, or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In
order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly
concerned with the reactions of others to them.
Self-censoring
attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity, and imagination in
one's approach.
Driving
force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings.
They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own
identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk,
think, believe, and function. They become the three-dimensional
clones of the ``role models'' they so desperately need to emulate in order to
gain acceptance.
Underlying
process in the power of ``peer pressure'' that grabs hold and makes
people act in stereotypic, ``pop'' culture, counter culture, punk, new wave,
preppie, yuppie, and other styles. They crave recognition and acceptance from
the reference group with whom they want to be identified.
Energy-robbing
attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating, and self-destructive
behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior,
resulting in personal stagnation, regression, and depression.
Driving
force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in
their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior,
achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community
life, and the ways in which they spend leisure time.
Act
of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel
about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I
feel about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I
will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in
their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my
own life.
What common behavior patterns exist for people who
operate out of a fear of rejection?
People
who operate out of a fear of rejection:
Display
little or no assertiveness.
Do
not speak up and let others know how they feel about something,
especially if their opinions differ.
Function
as enablers. They have neither the courage nor the ability to assist
others in discontinuing self-destructive behavior, e.g.,
alcohol or drug abuse, underachievement or workaholism.
Lack
the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't
enjoy the behavior in which they are involved.
Resort
to passive/aggressive behavior; that is dishonest, sneaky, and allows
for no open communication.
Play
games with people. They will keep their personal feelings hidden. They
are in tune with what is in and make every effort to emulate it in their lives.
Privately
express a great deal of anger or depression over how unfortunate and
unhappy their current lifeBstyle is. Yet, when helped to
look at alternatives involving confrontation with others, they take a ``yes, Y
but'' attitude.
Are
confused as to their true identity, wearing ``masks'' to please others.
Become
so obsessed with functioning, looking, and acting in a ``prescribed'' manner
that they become rigid, inflexible, and closed to alternative behavior. This is
true even if they are unhappy in the lifeBstyle
they hold to so rigidly.
Are
dishonest with themselves, so much so that it carries over into their
interactions with others and they become habitual liars.
How do others react to people who operate out of a fear
of rejection?
People
who care for the person who operates out of fear of rejection:
-
Encourage
the person to be more assertive.
-
Plead
with the person to change their style of life and to become true to
themselves.
-
Recognize
the lies and find it hard to trust the integrity and honesty of the person.
-
Become
turned off to the person's behavior, which they know to be unreal.
-
Become
frustrated when their offers of help to the person continuously go ignored.
-
Find
themselves asking the person how they are feeling in fear that they will
tell them.
-
Become
nervous around the person, afraid that their discomfort with the person's
unfortunate choice of life style will be misread as rejection or disapproval.
-
Find
it difficult to carry on a normal conversation with the person because the
problems emanating out of fear of rejection are, sadly, always evident.
-
Recognize
that the person for whom they care is in a self-defeating, dead-end cycle.
-
Begin
to avoid the person so much so that it looks like an out and out rejection
of the person for whom they care.
Result: The person who operates out
of a fear of rejection ends up pushing away the very friends, family, and
helpers who care for him. The pulling away of these caring ones appears to be
rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative results.
Those
whom the person fears being rejected by:
-
Take
the person for granted.
-
Do
not recognize that he is making great sacrifices to be accepted by them.
-
Ignore
the rights of the person.
-
Apply
pressure consciously or unconsciously for the person to continue to conform
to their desires or wishes.
-
Play
on guilt feelings and press for ``their way'' so that ``awful'' consequences
can be avoided.
-
Are
unaware that the person fears their rejection and do not take this person
seriously.
-
Ignore
the input or ideas of the person and never incorporate the person into their
inner circle.
-
Find
it humorous how the person bends over backwards to please them.
-
Manipulate
the person to do a multitude of favors for them and are ready to dump the
person once the favors become unnecessary.
-
Openly
reject the person once they have ``used'' him and have no further use for
him. Often they'll reject him once he gets up the nerve to confront them
about how they really feel about him.
Result: The person who operates out
of a fear of rejection ends up being rejected by the very people from whom he
fears rejection.
What are some underlying causes for operating out of a
fear of rejection?
People
who act out of a fear of rejection may:
-
Lack
healthy self-concepts, self-worth, or self-esteem
because they were never fully affirmed in their families of origin.
-
Have
had a traumatic experience of rejection, for example, in a divorce or
separation that deeply scarred them.
-
Be
bound up in irrational thinking and realize that this behavior is neither
rational nor necessary.
-
Have
lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they really
were.
-
Be
insecure in their personal identity, with a debilitating lack of self-confidence.
-
Have
never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement.
-
Lack
the social skills to adapt to a reference group.
-
Have
suffered from social isolation in their early lives.
-
Lack
certain personal accomplishments, which they feel set them apart and which
contribute to their lack of self-confidence.
-
Be
unaware that they are operating out of a fear of rejection and may even deny
it if it is pointed out to them.
-
Have
a physical condition that they believe makes them unattractive to others.
-
Have
been told all their life that they were ``second best'' or different.
Steps to overcome the fear of rejection
Step
1: Read through the
material in this chapter and decide whether or not you operate out of a fear of
rejection.
Step
2: Identify in your
journal the person(s) from whom you fear rejection.
The
people whose rejection I fear include:
Step
3:Identify in your
journal how your fear of rejection is displayed in your behavior toward the
people you identified in Step 2.
The
behavior patterns reflecting my fear of rejection include:
Step
4: Identify in your
journal healthy, productive, and rational alternative behavior patterns to those
identified in Step 3.
Alternative
behavior patterns to those coming from my fear of rejection include:
Step
5: Identify in your
journal what the consequences would be of using the alternative behavior
patterns listed in Step 4.
The
consequences of using alternative behavior patterns would be:
Step
6: Identify in your
journal what obstacles, other than your fear of rejection, exist in your
adopting the alternative behavior listed in Step 4.
The
obstacles that block my adopting the alternative behavior in Step 4 include:
Step
7: Analyze the obstacles
listed in Step 6 and identify in your journal whether they are irrational
beliefs or actual obstacles to change. If they are irrational beliefs use the Tools
for
Coping Series
refutation of irrational beliefs, in Tools
for Personal Growth. If the obstacles are not irrational beliefs use the
five dimensional problem-solving model found in
Productive Problem Solving, to find alternatives to rid yourself of these
obstacles.
Step
8: Implement alternate
behavior patterns not based on a fear of rejection.
Step
9: If you still have
problems and are operating out of a fear of rejection, return to Step 1 and
begin again. A professional or objective helper may be necessary to guide you.
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