1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation. Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.

2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way. Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.

3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position. Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.

4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This ``setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy. Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.

5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it. Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.

6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them. Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment. 

Victim		Martyr
1. Usually has short-term problem		Long-term problem
2. Motivated to change		Stuck in their problem
3. Rights violated by others		Rights violated by others
4. Did not choose the problem		Chooses to remain in problem situation
5. Never complains		Complains all the time
6. Lacks insight into problem		Frequently has insight into the problem

7. Unknowingly plays an active part in the problem		Frequently knowingly plays an active part in the problem
8. Doesn't often seek help		Seeks help all the time
9. Wants to ``let go'' of problem		``Holds on to'' the problem
10. Guilt free		Guilt driven
11. Solution oriented		Problem oriented
12. Powerless due to lack of knowledge		Powerless out of a free will choice to be so
13. Unique problem		Stereotypic, with habitual problems
14. Sincere desire to change		Mask of sincerity
15. Honest to self and others about the problem		Dishonest to self and others about the desire to change
16. Hesitant to get help		Seeks out help habitually
17. Reticent to talk about problem		Relishes the attention received in talking about the problem
18. Embarrassed about the problem		Wears problem as a badge of courage (purple heart)
19. Wants a quick solution to their crisis		Creates crises out of everything but blocks all solutions

20.  Open to all new ideas		Holds a ``yes- but'' attitude to all new ideas

A. Victims often:

Lack the knowledge that they are being taken advantage of by others.

Are so used to a certain way of being treated that they don't recognize it as unhealthy for them.

Lack healthy self-esteem or self-concepts.

Have little belief in themselves.

Come from high-stress families where their rights were never respected; therefore, they lack the competencies, skills, and abilities to stand up for their rights.

Lack information about assertive behavior and have no experience in using assertive behavior.

Lack of ``others'' in their lives who can point out alternative healthy solutions to their problems.

Are timid, scared, and suspicious of help being offered to them.

Are skeptical about someone really wanting to help them.

Victims often hold to some of the following irrational beliefs in their lives:

• You must be nice to everyone, even if they are not nice to you.

• Life is supposed to be filled with unhappiness and uncertainty.

• The small guy never wins.

• This is the way things are supposed to be.

• There are winners and losers in all transactions between people.

• My role in life is to be a loser.

• Most people are basically selfish, mean, self-centered and disrespectful.

• You should never complain.

• Take it like a ``man'' (woman)!

• Be silent with your feelings.

Victims often do not stand up for their rights because they suffer from the irrational fear of:

• disapproval

• rejection

• conflict

• taking a risk

• the unknown

• change

• confrontation

• being overwhelmed emotionally and physically

• loss of self-respect

• making a mistake.

Step 1: Make an honest assessment: Are you a martyr or a victim in the problems facing you? Study the comparisons and characteristics listed above to help you recognize your behavior. Complete the following statements in your journal:

a. I can honestly say that I am currently functioning as: (1) a victim, (2) a martyr, (3) a little of each, (4) neither of the above, but as a (     ).

b. I know I function this way because:

c. My current problems include: 

Step 2: Once you have identified the role you are playing in your current problem(s), identify (in your journal) the obstacles keeping you from moving forward:

a. As a (victim/martyr) I am faced with the following obstacles to correcting my current problem: 

b. I have the following irrational beliefs:

c. I have the following irrational fears:

d. Obstacles include the following lack of knowledge, information, behavior, and attitudes:

Step 3:  Once you have identified the obstacles, utilize the following skills and principles presented in the Tools For Coping Series:

a. Refuting Irrational Beliefs [Tools for Personal Growth]

b. Self Affirmation [Tools for Personal Growth]

c. Risk Taking [Tools for Personal Growth]

d. Guilt Reduction [Tools for Personal Growth]

e. Letting Go [Tools for Handling Loss]

Step 4: If completing Step 3 does not create a change in your behavior, try one of the following alternatives:

a. Ask the people in your life if they see you acting as a victim or martyr regarding your current problem. Share this material with them to help their response. Use their feedback to assist you in clarifying your reactions to your problem. Use their feedback to motivate a change in your behavior.

b. Take an informal poll of people as to which role they would prefer to play in life: victim or martyr. In your poll find out what their perceptions are of the two roles and the differences, if any. Ask them to clarify which role is more respected by others. Finally, have them give you examples from literature, history, TV, movies, or real life of classic victim and martyr role models. Once your poll is completed, review your data. Decide from your findings which role you currently are playing. Use the results of the survey to motivate a change in your behavior.

c. In your journal list the pros and cons of continuing your current course of behavior (be it victim or martyr). Use the list to assist you in deciding to change any unproductive pattern.