|
Home
Up
Introduction
Boundaries
Barriers
Conflict
Problem Solving
Rejection
Approval
Assertiveness
Victim-Martyr
Power-Control
Competition
Goal Setting
Intimacy
Fantasy Relation
Forgive-Forget
Healing Environ
Get Help
| |
 Tools
for Relationships
Helping Another Recognize the Need for Help
Content:
When do you know if another person needs help?
Another
person in your life needs help when:
-
You are no longer
willing to accept the negative consequences of their troubled behavior.
-
You are no longer
willing to rescue them from the negative consequences of their behavior.
-
You are no longer
willing to enable their troubled behavior.
-
You are no longer
willing to placate or please them in order to keep them happy, content, and out
of trouble.
-
You are exhausted,
exasperated, disgusted, disappointed, disturbed, and chronically un-accepting of
the troubled behavior of the other person.
-
That person is no
longer able to hide the troubled behavior at home, work, school, or in the
community.
-
That person is
chronically unhappy, hostile, angry, defensive, depressed, denying or rejecting
when the troubled behaviors are pointed out as needing to be changed.
-
That person
chronically blames you and others for the troubled behavior and it has become
unreasonable to accept that rationale.
-
That person gets in
trouble at home, at work, or in the community because of problem behavior.
-
That person is unable
to control the problem behavior.
-
No promises or
attempts at reformation are followed through.
How you know extreme measures are required to get another
person help
There
is a need for dramatic or extreme action to get someone help when that person:
-
Gets into legal
trouble because of the problem behavior.
-
Is in danger of
losing a job or failing school.
-
Is someone you are no
longer willing to live with.
-
Is functioning in
such an unhealthy way that others in the environment are suffering unhealthy
emotional stress.
-
Is unable to follow
through on promises to cease the "addictive'' or unhealthy behavior.
-
Seems to be
controlled by the behavior and ``lives'' or thrives on the problem behavior.
-
Is so caught up in
denial and delusion about the problems that attempts to get help have been
ignored.
-
Turns the situation
around and blames you for causing the problems.
-
Goes on a paranoid
attack, accusing you and others of being in a ruinous conspiracy.
-
Becomes so grandiose
that the world is seen as being ``sick'' and the troubled person as the only
healthy one.
-
Becomes so physically
and emotionally abusive that you can no longer defend yourself enough to retain
your physical and/or emotional health.
Drastic ultimatums needed to mobilize a person to get
help
The
following are ultimatums to use if the person is:
Your son or daughter,
18 years or older, living with you: you may need to lovingly request she/he
leave home and not return until she/he has received help and is healthier.
Your son or daughter,
17 years or younger: you may need to lovingly request that until she/he receives
help and changes the problem behavior, she/he give up certain privileges and
benefits gained by living in the home.
Your spouse:
you may
need to lovingly inform your partner that you and she/he will need to separate
or eventually divorce if she/he does not get help and change the unhealthy
behavior.
Your employee: you
may need to lovingly inform the employee that she/he will be terminated from
employment unless she/he gets help to change the unhealthy behavior.
Your student: you may
need to lovingly inform the student that she/he will probably fail the class, be
reported to the administration, and to her/his parents for disciplinary action
if she/he does not get help and change the unhealthy behavior.
Your friend: you may
need to lovingly inform your friend that you will have to cease involving
yourself with her/him unless she/he gets help and changes the unhealthy
behavior.
Your parent:
you may
need to lovingly inform your parent that you will no longer be able to live
under the same roof with her/him and/or no longer have any further contact or
involvement with her/him unless she/he gets help and changes the unhealthy
behavior.
A relative (son or
daughter, cousin, aunt or uncle, grandparent) who does not live in the same
house as you: you may need to lovingly inform them that you will no longer
sustain any contact or involvement or give them financial or visible support
unless they get help and change their unhealthy behavior.
Someone who has
authority over you (your boss, supervisor, teacher, doctor, counselor): you may
need to lovingly inform her/him that you will have to report her/him to their
respective superiors, ethics board, or peer review group if she/he does not get
help and change the unhealthy behavior.
Someone in your
support group: you may need to lovingly inform her/him that you will have to ask
the group to drop her/him from the roster or to publicly reprimand her/him if
she/he does not get help and change the unhealthy behavior.
Troubled behaviors requiring drastic ultimatums
-
Alcoholism or problem
drinking
-
Illegal or
prescription drug use/abuse
-
Depression and
chronic sadness
-
Withdrawn or severe
pulled in and keeping in
behavior
-
Compulsive eating,
bulimia, anorexia, obesity
-
Gambling, compulsive
and addictive betting of money or resources
-
Sexual acting out
-
Chronic blaming,
belittling, sarcasm, putting down of self and others
-
Suicidal thinking,
gestures, or attempts
-
Chronic denial of
problems in personal, family, work, or social life
-
Compulsive behavior
with severe negative consequences
-
Physical abuse of
others
-
Severe verbal abuse of
others
-
Sexually abusive
or harassing of
others
-
Workaholism
-
Lack of communication
with people at home, work, or school
-
Repression of
feelings and requiring others to keep feelings in as well
-
Chronic hostility or
ill temper
-
Severe anger and
violent outbursts
-
Violent behavior and
thoughts toward others
-
Unwillingness to work
in a cooperative way with in the environment
-
Chronic lying,
fantasizing, or fabricating the truth
-
Hyperactive, out of
control, or manic behavior
-
Immobilized
or catatonic behavior
-
Unresolved grief
response over death of loved one or over a major loss event in one's life
-
Hallucinations,
delusions, or other psychotic behavior
-
Extremism of any
type, e.g., over exaggeration
of liberalism, fundamentalism, or conservatism
-
Argumentative, ready
to pick a fight at any time
-
Extreme passivity,
allowing others total control over their life
-
Oversensitivity
Things to do for yourself before taking drastic steps
to get help for another
Before
you can help another person, you need to get help for yourself so that you:
Are clear as to:
(1)
who owns the problem, (2) how real the problem is, (3) how you contribute to
the problem, (4) steps you can take to help alleviate the problem (short of
drastic steps).
Feel good about
yourself and are able to self-affirm
in a healthy way to arm yourself against the verbal and emotional assault of
the person who resists help.
Honestly face living
with the consequences of the ultimatums as listed above.
Are in order
emotionally and spiritually and are prepared to ``let go'' of the troubled
person if she/he refuses to get help.
Are willing to let go
and let God take over from here.
Can identify
your
enabling and rescuing behavior and how it has made it easier for the troubled person's
problems to become more destructive.
Get help to reduce
your sense of over responsibility
for the troubled person.
Can let go of any
guilt you may feel about placing ultimatums on an already ``sick'' person in
order for that person to realize the need for help.
Can let go of the
fear of taking drastic steps to get the person help; also to let go of the
fear of having to follow through on your ultimatums indefinitely.
Can live as healthy a
life as possible so that the troubled person can no longer excuse her/his own
behavior, claiming that ``you are sick, too!''
Can identify the
existing resources in your community to which the person can turn for help.
These resources include support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Alanon,
Narcotics Anonymous, professional treatment centers, and individual, licensed
mental health practitioners.
Can use a behavioral
intervention technique with your troubled person to lead that person to change
the troubled behavior.
Description of a behavioral intervention
A behavioral
intervention is a ``tough love'' model of presenting data, facts, and
information to the troubled person in a loving and caring way. This data
informs the person how the troubled behavior negatively affects others. This
information is intended to motivate the person to seek help for the problem
behavior. This is an effort to establish a healing environment with the
troubled person.
The data provided in
an intervention focuses on the problem behavior and how the problem behavior
results in the person having trouble at home, work, school, or in the
community.
The information about
the problem behavior presented must be documented and witnessed by others. No
speculation, analysis, or guessing about the problem behavior is presented in
an intervention.
The intervention
presents the problem behavior in a quantified description so the troubled
person is able to get a sense of the magnitude of the problem.
Intervention provides
credible data to the other person because all incidents of problem behavior
are detailed as to date or time of the problem related events. Where, when,
and with whom these events occurred is included to help the person's recall.
Interventions are
presented with love and care. As each piece of documentation is given to the
troubled person, the intervenor says: ``I am here because I love you (or care
about you) and I want you to get help for yourself.'' The facts are presented
in a supportive, honest, non-blaming
and healing oriented
manner.
The intervenors share
their feelings about the specific events listed and what negative consequences
the intervenors received as a result of the troubled person's behavior. The
intervenors point out that they chose their own reactions and responses (be
they enabling or rescuing), and that they are no longer willing to function as
enablers or rescuers for the troubled person's behavior.
Written scripts that
include a list of data on the troubled behavior are used, and interventions
are rehearsed. The intervenors have a written script and need not rely on
memories. Writing and rehearsing reduces the impact of nervousness that
intervenors may feel.
A variety of people
can be involved in a behavioral intervention. You can function as the sole
intervenor or you and the other person's spouse, parent(s), relative(s), boss,
teacher(s), friend(s), child(ren), or minister can be involved as intervenors.
A professional mental health counselor could provide some stability, calmness,
and mediation if necessary. The counselor may be the moderator if there are
more than two intervenors with a specific person.
The intervention is
conducted like a meeting with an agenda. Each person (intervenor) takes a turn
going over the data brought to the meeting. Once all persons have presented
their data, they present helping alternatives. The target person then gets to
react to them. Then the intervenors present the person with their ``tough love''
ultimatums, pointing out resources in the community where help is available.
Difference between intervention and confrontation
|
An
intervention:
|
|
While
a confrontation:
|
|
is
healing oriented
|
|
is
blaming oriented
|
|
is
supportive
|
|
is
threatening
|
|
is
solution oriented
|
|
is
a continuation of the problem
|
|
is
caring, concerned, and loving
|
|
is
vindictive, argumentative, and hostile
|
|
is
helping
|
|
is
hurting
|
|
reduces
defensiveness
|
|
increases
defensiveness
|
|
reduces
need for showing anger
|
|
is
anger inducing
|
|
opens
communication
|
|
often
ends in tears and silence
|
|
is
listening oriented
|
|
blocks
out listening
|
|
is
understanding of the nature of the problem
|
|
is
judgmental and critical of problems
|
|
is
offering assistance to the other
|
|
is
an attack on the other
|
|
is
where resources for help are pointed out
|
|
is
a form of coercion to get help
|
|
is
tough love oriented
|
|
is
enabling oriented
|
|
is
self-affirmation
oriented
|
|
is
guilt inducing
oriented
|
|
is
healing environment
oriented
|
|
is
self-righteous
oriented
|
|
is
planned, thought out, reasonable and decisive
|
|
is
nagging, bitching, complaining, and often spontaneous
|
Outline of intervention script
All intervenors prepare scripts for themselves using
the following outline:
-
Reason for the meeting:
-
Intervenor (each in turn) presents documentation:
-
Date
-
What you did
-
How I felt
-
What I did for you
-
The helping alternatives for the troubled person:
-
The helping resources in the community available to the person:
-
Agency name
-
Telephone number
-
Contact person
-
Ultimatums to be presented if troubled person refuses to seek help for
change and growth:
-
How I will cope if the troubled person refuses to get help:
Steps to take in helping another recognize the need for
help
Step
1: Identify why you believe the troubled person
in your life needs help
Step
2: Identify why you need to take drastic action
to get this person help.
Step
3: Identify what drastic ``tough love''
ultimatums you may need to use.
Step
4: Identify the problem behavior your troubled
person needs help to change.
Step
5: Identify what you need help with first,
before you can assist the troubled person.
Step
6: Get help for yourself to address the issues
identified in Step 5.
Step
7: Prepare a behavioral intervention script and
invite relevant, concerned persons to write an intervention script as well. (Use
the script outline in above)
Step
8: Meet with the intervenors to plan and
rehearse the intervention script.
Step
9: Conduct the behavioral intervention with the
troubled person.
Step
10: Assist the troubled person in getting the needed help.
Follow through with your ultimatums if the person doesn't go for help or if the
person goes for help and still doesn't change.
Step
11: If the troubled person refuses to recognize the need for
help, and/or if your involvement cannot be curtailed, return to Step 1, and
begin again.
|
Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
Email: