 Tools
for Relationships
Handling a Fantasy Relationship
Content:
What is a fantasy relationship?
A
fantasy relationship is:
One
that exists solely in your imagination, as an ideal relationship for
you.
One
you prefer to relate to, describe, and require of those in relationships with
you; however, the fantasy level of expectation is seldom met.
An
unrealistic, unattainable entity you require others to meet in order for
you to feel happy, content, and satisfied.
An
escape, a sanctuary, and a refuge to which your mind can flee when you
have problems, conflicts, or disappointments in a relationship.
Sometimes
used to berate your current partner if your partner does not live up to
the standards of your fantasy (even though you alone know those standards).
One
used as a barometer or yardstick by which your current relationship is
measured. Because the fantasy is so out of reach, the measurement given back is
usually negative.
A
daydream created because you are experiencing a painful, abusive, or
neglectful relationship. By escaping into fantasy you avoid dealing with the
problems. The tasks necessary to bring the relationship into reality are
avoided.
More
active in your subconscious than in your conscious mind. You may not be
aware that it exists, yet it is used as if you were conscious of it as you
measure your current relationship. It can be the root of your unhappiness with
your real relationship.
A
three dimensional reality when you meet a person
who matches some or all of your criteria for the fantasy. The object of
your fantasy may enter a clandestine relationship of the mind, heart, or flesh
(especially if you are married). This fantasy (or affair of mind, heart, or
flesh) makes you acutely aware of how inadequate your current relationship is;
even though the new person is neither attainable nor is there a future for the
relationship.
An
emotional block, intellectual barrier, or the actual immobilizer that
keeps you from becoming committed to working out your current relationship(s).
How do you know if your immobilized by a fantasy
relationship?
If
you are trying to make a current relationship healthier and happier for you
and your partner, yet feel that you are stuck, consider the following
questions to determine if a fantasy relationship is the emotional block:.
Answer yes or no to each one.
1. Do
you blame your partner for real or imagined negligence?
2. Is
your partner giving you feedback that you are constantly giving double messages,
``damned if you do and damned if you don't'' ultimatums, saying one thing and
meaning another?
3. Are
you chronically daydreaming about the way things ``should be'' in the
relationship?
4. Do
you have a tendency to fly off the handle with every little annoying thing your
partner does?
5. Do
you put your partner in the witness box as the defendant and become a
prosecuting attorney asking leading, probing, demanding questions unmercifully?
6.
Are
you chronically unhappy, depressed, and discouraged whenever you are in your
partner's presence even when your partner is committed to trying to work things
out with you?
7. Are
you finding it difficult to let go of the past mistakes, hurts, and misdeeds of
your partner? Are you unable to forgive and forget?
8. Do
you resent having to repeat your wants, needs, and expectations for the
relationship to your partner because you think your partner should already know
and be aware of them?
9. Do
you seem to discount or ignore the small efforts at change made by your partner
on behalf of the relationship?
10. Just
when you think you and your partner are going to make it do you find yourself
slipping back or relapsing into angry outbursts and recriminations concerning a
minor infraction or error, overreacting?
If
you answered "yes'' to one or more of the above questions, a fantasy
relationship may be the root of your relationship problems.
Beliefs that indicate a fantasy relationship is
present
-
There
is only one kind of person I'm meant to be with.
-
No
one can ever meet or come up to my standards.
-
No
one can understand what I want in a relationship. I am always misunderstood.
-
Most
people are incapable of giving and receiving love.
-
No
matter how hard I try, I am never able to find the perfect mate.
-
I
am continuously disappointed by the men (women) who come into my life.
-
No
matter how many changes she/he makes, she/he will never be able to make me
fully happy.
-
I
love my partner but she/he is just not made for me.
-
I've
worked hard at this relationship, and I do not believe that my partner has
put as much effort into it.
-
I've
tried and tried to accept my partner the way she/he is, yet I am not turned
on emotionally.
-
I
believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
-
She/he
should know what I need in this relationship.
-
I
can never forgive my partner for what was done to me in the past.
-
It
makes me so uncomfortable to be in the presence of my partner.
-
Why
can't my partner understand what I am talking about?
-
Everything
my partner does bugs me.
-
She/he
must do these things intentionally just to hurt or bother me.
-
She/he
never follows through on what I've asked her/him to do for me.
-
It
is unsatisfying and unfulfilling to me to continue in this relationship.
-
No
matter how hard my partner tries, she/he will never be what I need in a
relationship.
Negative consequences of fantasy relationships
If
you do not handle your fantasy relationship by converting your expectations,
ideals, and dreams into a the image of a realistic, healthy relationship you run
the risk of:
-
Chronic
depression
-
Inability
to get into a lasting relationship
-
Inability
to make a commitment to anyone in a relationship
-
One
or more divorces
-
Relationships
ending prematurely
-
Inability
to let go of blaming the other
-
Inability
to create a healing environment with your partner
-
Poor
communication with your partner
-
Competition
in your relationship
-
Chronic
conflict, disagreements, and fights
-
Power
struggle for control in your relationship
-
Lack
of intimacy in your relationship
-
You
and/or your partner becoming troubled persons in need of professional help
-
Emotional
problems for you and/or your partner
-
Inability
to accept your partner for who she/he is
-
Inability
to have confidence in your ability to sustain a relationship
-
Stereotyping
all members of the opposite sex or even the same sex.
-
Loss
of trust in your partner
-
Chronic
sense of insecurity
-
Inability
to take a risk
-
Inability
to overcome your fear of entering a relationship
Steps to handle a fantasy relationship
Step
1: You must first decide what a fantasy
relationship is before you can learn to handle one. Read the definitions of a
fantasy relationship above, and answer these questions in your journal:
a.
What is my definition of a fantasy relationship?
b.
How are fantasy relationships related to irrational beliefs?
c.
How are fantasy relationships related to the negative self-scripts
people have about themselves?
d.
How are fantasy relationships related to peoples' resistance to get
help for their troubled relationships?
e.
How are fantasy relationships related to peoples' lack of spirituality?
Step
2: Once you have a better understanding of what a fantasy relationship
is, you can decide if you have one that is impeding the growth of a current
relationship. Answer the following questions in your journal:
a.
Who is a ``significant other'' in my life with whom I have difficulty
sustaining a healthy relationship?
b.
What are some signs of the lack of health in our relationship?
c.
In reviewing the factors of immobilization above, which of them are
present in my relationship indicating a fantasy relationship is at the root of
the problems?
d.
What beliefs do I hold that indicate that I have a fantasy relationship?
e.
What negative consequences could occur in my current relationship if I
am unable to handle this fantasy relationship?
Step
3: Once you have identified the presence of a fantasy relationship
blocking growth in your current relationship, you are ready to proceed.
Complete the following task:
Identifying
my fantasy relationship
You
will have the chance to detail your fantasy relationship in your journal. To
help in your identification process, first get into a relaxed position, close
your eyes, and spend at least thirty minutes visualizing your fantasy
relationship. Once you have completed your visualization, proceed to describe
it. The following questions should assist you:
(1) Is the fantasy relationship a person or just concepts? If it is a
person, describe the person in full detail as to looks, size, wealth,
education, career, attitude, behavior, beliefs. If it is a concept, describe
in detail what factors comprise the relationship.
(2) In your description of the fantasy relationship, elaborate on how you
are treated, how you are communicated with, how your feelings are dealt with.
How much intimacy do you share? How understood are you? How much love,
attention, caring, nurturing, nourishing, affection, praise, reinforcement do
you receive?
(3) In your description of the fantasy relationship elaborate on how the
``fantasy'' person acts. How does this person talk? How does this person show
concern, attention, interest? How does this person let you know her/his wants,
needs, and desires? How does this person handle problems, conflicts,
disagreements, arguments? How does this person handle personal hygiene issues?
(Does this person ever go to the bathroom?) How does this person handle the
giving and receiving of love?
(4) Describe how this fantasy person would handle the problems and concerns
you are handling in your current relationship (as described in Step 2).
(5) Describe how this fantasy person would relate to your idiosyncrasies,
weaknesses, faults, unique traits, bothersome habits, and human frailties.
Once
you have completed describing your fantasy relationship the first time, go
back and visualize the relationship again for another thirty minutes to be
sure you have given a full description. Review your written description after
your second thirty minute visualization; fill in any missing pieces.
Step
4: Once you are satisfied with the written description of your fantasy
relationship, you are ready to proceed with the next activity.
Making
my fantasy relationship more realistic
(1) Review the written description of your fantasy relationship and record
each irrational or unrealistic belief in your journal. Fill in (in a second
column) a rational or realistic alternative for each of these items.
(2) Review the written description of your fantasy relationship. Record
each item reflecting a negative self-script of yours and identify the negative self-script.
Write a rational, realistic alternative in a second column. Base these on a
healthy, self-affirming script for you.
(3) Review the written description of your fantasy relationship. Record those
items that make you resistant to working out your problems with your significant
other. For each of these items write an aspect of your significant other in a
second column relating to the item you have difficulty accepting.
(4) Quickly list all of the positive aspects that attracted you and still
attract you to your partner. List the good points, qualities, attributes,
talents, and positive characteristics. In reviewing this list, what makes you
resistant to working out a healthy relationship?
(5) In reviewing your resistance to the acceptance your significant other as
she/he really is, and in reviewing how you are more willing to opt or hold out
for the fantasy relationship, ask yourself the following questions:
-
Why
is it so impossible to accept a person who does not fit into my ideal?
-
Why
am I so adamant and determined that it must be my way or no way at all?
-
How
willing am I to let God lead me to the acceptance of reality in life instead
of fantasy?
-
How
much of my problem is related to my inability to let go and let God lead me?
What is blocking my faith, trust, and hope in God to lead me wisely?
-
How
much of my problem is related to my stubborn belief that I alone know what's
best for me, and that others, even God, had better butt out of my business?
(6) Proceed to visualize the relationship with your significant other for
thirty minutes. Look at it with a rational, positive, healthy, realistic,
spiritual, and accepting attitude. Then fully describe your current relationship
with a realistic appraisal of what is good and positive in it and what needs to
be changed or altered so it can be nurtured into an ongoing, healthy
relationship. Once you have recorded this description, spend another thirty
minutes visualizing the relationship five years from now as a healthy, mutually
supportive. Return to your written description and polish it up with items
indicating a letting go of the past and letting God lead you both into the
future.
Step 5:
Can you agree on a five year play toward developing a healthy, prosperous
relationship? If not, return to Step 1 and repeat the steps, sharing answers and
descriptions.
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