Competition is a power struggle for control of all aspects of the relationship. It can be present in any of the following forms:

Competition of knowledge: Who is smarter, wiser, more intelligent, has more facts, has more information, has the better memory.

Competition of emotional life: Whose feelings are more important, more authentic or real, whose feelings must be considered first.

Competition for recognition: Who is more deserving of recognition, who works harder, who sacrifices more, who is more generous and giving, who is the higher achiever, who brings in more money.

Competition for respect: Who is more deserving of respect, who is the bigger saint, who is the hero, who is more self-giving, who is holier, who is the more mature.

Competition for sympathy and pity: Who is sicker, who has been more victimized, who has sacrificed and given up more, who has been abused and neglected more, who has been hurt and has suffered more, who is more wretched, pitiable, and pathetic.

Competition for time and attention: Who has more jobs and work to complete, who has less time to get things done, who needs more time and attention from the other, who is neglecting or ignoring.

You know there is competition in your relationship when:

You think you and your partner have agreed to do something, but when the time comes to get it done you both ignore it, forget it, disagree about the previous solution, and nothing gets done.

You find that you dread having to have a discussion or dialog with your partner.

Your partner can't maintain eye contact when discussing a mistake or misdeed for which your partner is responsible.

You find yourself unwilling to bend or alter your opinion concerning an issue confronting you both.

You both are unable to bring fights or arguments to a final, successful, ``win-win'' conclusion.

You find yourself thinking of winning or losing before you enter a conversation with your partner.

You are feel like you are on the witness stand and your partner is the lawyer (or vice versa.)

You both appear to the world as being together, supportive and mutually caring; yet in your heart you feel distant, and neglect, and ignored.

In order to reduce the sense of competition in a relationship, partners could:

• Listen to one another with respect, openness, and acceptance

• Respond to one another with understanding, caring, and empathy

• Let go of past hurts and pains

• Develop trust in one another

• Be vulnerable to growth and change

• Forgive and forget

• Be supportive of one another

• Give and receive reinforcement, acknowledgement, and recognition

• Use their sense of humor and laugh at each other's follies, idiosyncracies, and habits

• Let go of anger, hostility, resentment, and aggression

• Be assertive with one another

• Develop emotional independence

Step 1: Answer the following questions in your journal: Are you aware of any competition in your relationship with a significant other in your life? If yes, in what relationship and with whom? If no, have you ever been in a competitive relationship? In what relationship and with whom? Now that you have identified a relationship, past or present, in which you felt competition, answer these questions in your journal:

a.     How did the competition in your relationship fit the definition of competition in Section I?

b.     What forms did the competition in your relationship take?

c.     What negative consequences resulted from the competition in this relationship?

d.     What beliefs held by you and your partner led to competition in the relationship?

e.     How did you recognize competition in your relationship?

f.    What new behavior skills did you and your partner develop to eliminate or reduce competition in your relationship?

Step 2:  Once you have completed the needs assessment in Step 1, you have a better picture of competition in your relationship. You may have a good idea of what changes need to be made.

Complete the following activity:

The Competition Trivia Game   

Preparation : Needed: pair of dice, a timer, two sets of thirty question cards, two sets of thirty answer cards.

Purpose of Game: This is a game of trivia skill mastered only by partners in a competitive relationship. Competitive partners have the long-term memory skills capable of winning at this game.

Trivia Questions: Before you can play this game, you and your partner need to prepare thirty 3" x 5" file cards. On each card you are to write a different ``competition trivia'' question.

A ``competition trivia'' question is worded as follows:

• ``Do you remember when Y'' (relate in ten words or less an episode of competition between you and your partner)

• OK, for ten points tell me:

• (1) the date or dates it occurred: (1 point)

• (2) what issues were involved: (1 point)

• (3) how you and I acted during this time: (1 point)

• (4) what you and I were feeling during this time: (1 point)

• (5) what the final outcome of this episode was: (1 point)

• (6) what would have been a better way to handle this problem: (5 points)

Trivia Question Answer Card: On a separate card (total of thirty) you must put in the correct answer for each competition trivia question. Be exact and complete in your answers. Remember, your partner may present alternative responses just as valid as the single response you might come up with. So, you need to out-smart and out-think your opponent; on the answer card put in a response that would reflect your partner's thinking and feeling on the issue.

Before Game Begins: You and your partner need to complete the thirty question cards with thirty answer cards each before you can play your first round of competition trivia. Be sure to number each group of thirty question and answer cards with corresponding numbers.

Once your question and answer cards are completed you are ready to play Competition Trivia!

Rules for Playing The Competition Trivia Game 

1.     You need a pair of dice.

2.     Place each partner's set of thirty question cards in separate piles on the table. Shuffle the decks so that they are not in numeric order.

3.     You need a score sheet and one partner to be the score keeper.

4.     Roll dice to see who goes first. The one with the lowest number goes first.

5.     When it is your turn, roll the dice. Deal out the corresponding card from the deck your partner wrote. For example, if you roll a ``4,'' take out the fourth card from the top. Place the three cards above it at the bottom of the deck. This way the stack gets continuously shuffled; there is no way you or your partner can ``stack'' the deck.

6.     When it is your turn, hand the question card to your partner to read. You have only five minutes to answer the question. Your partner uses the timer to time you. When five minutes is up, you must stop your response. Your partner then scores your response and your score is recorded by the score keeper. Your question card is then placed somewhere where it won't be picked up again.

7.     When your turn is up, it becomes your partner's turn. Your partner rolls the dice and is dealt the corresponding card from the deck you wrote. The cards above it are moved to the bottom of the deck. Read the question to your partner. Your partner has five minutes to respond to the question, your partner's response is scored, and the score recorded.

8.     Continue to take turns until one of you reaches a score of 300. The one who reaches 300 first is the winner.