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Tools for Relationships

CHILD Work in Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Step 3: Do CHILD work to nurture your right to have boundaries in relationships
- Personal Rights in Relationships

Step 3: Do CHILD work to nurture your right to have boundaries in relationships

Once you have done your ANGER work then you need to nurture yourself with CHILD work. Focus on how you deserve not to be hooked by the pitfalls in relationships. Remind yourself that you deserve to establish healthy boundaries between you and your relationship partners to protect yourself intellectually, emotionally and physically. To do this CHILD work you first need to recognize what your rights are in healthy intimate relationships.

Personal Rights in Relationships

1. I have the right to expect a nurturing environment in my relationships
2. I have the right to be self-nurturing in relationships.
3. I have the right to expect to be nurtured by my relationship partners.
4. I have the right to expect my relationships to support my healthy self-esteem.

1. I have the right to expect a nurturing environment in my relationships.

I deserve an environment with clearly defined and enforced limits and boundaries so that I do not get lost or used up in it. I deserve to have respect and latitude to be an individual in relationships so that I can retain my individuality and personhood. I deserve to have an environment with my relationship partners, which has structure so that I know what are our mutual expectations and obligations. I deserve to have freedom within the established structure so that I am not penned in or limited from being the person who I am. I deserve to maintain open, honest and feelings based communication with my relationship partners, family, friends, support system and recovery colleagues, so that I can receive feedback if I am falling into a "hooked" relationship with my relationship partners, in which I am losing all sense of personal boundaries.

2. I have the right to be self-nurturing in relationships.

I deserve to love myself unconditionally. I deserve to take care of my own intellectual, emotional and physical needs with no need to become dependent on my relationship partners to meet these needs for me. I deserve to accept myself as a unique person who is different and separate from my partners in my relationships. I deserve and need to be open and honest with myself so that I am constantly in touch with my feelings and emotions so that I do not slip into fantasy or delusion about what is happening in my relationships. I have the need to be open to my inner voice which is the source of my instincts and intuitions so that I can hear the Alarm Bell if my relationships are becoming unhealthy for me.

3. I have the right to expect to be nurtured by my relationship partners.

I deserve unconditional love and acceptance from my relationship partners. I deserve to receive warmth, caring and affection from my partners. I deserve to be accepted as the unique individual I am in relationship. I deserve good open and honest communication with my partners. I deserve to have open and straight forward problem solving with my relationship partners so that all issues which come up can be handled in healthy, logical, emotional and physical ways.

4. I have the right to expect my relationships to support my healthy self-esteem.

I have a right to expect that my relationships will be supportive of me so that I can grow in my self-worth, self-concept and optimism. I have a right to expect to become a more productive person in my relationships. I have a right to become a better creative problem solver and experience improved coping skills in relationships. I have a right to expect respect for my leadership capabilities by my partners. I have a right to expect that my self-deservedness and self-confidence will grow in relationships. I have a right to expect that I will grow in altruism and personal responsibility taking in my relationships.

Use these four personal rights in a relationships as affirmations and visualizations to nurture yourself in CHILD work to give yourself permission to establish healthy boundaries to not get hooked in unhealthy ways in your relationships in the future. To read more about what you have a right to expect in your relationships read The SEA's Model of Self-Esteem in Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous - The SEA's Program Manual Use the tools in Tools for Relationships to develop a healthy intimate relationship with your relationship partners. Use Growing Down - Tools for Healing the Inner Child to give you tools to help you self-nurture yourself so that you are strong and visible in your relationships.

Once you have completed the first three steps of Boundary Development, you have hopefully LIGHTENED THE PRESSURE from the hooks in your relationships which keep your boundaries down. You are now ready for the next step in the Boundary Development process.

Click here to go on to Steps 4, 5, 6 & 7 for Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

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