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Tools for Relationships

 

ANGER Work in Establishing of Healthy Boundaries

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Step 2: Do ANGER Workouts on the lack of healthy boundaries in your relationships

Once you have ALERTED yourself to the emotional hooks in your relationships which keep your boundaries weak, then you need to do ANGER work about how angry you are that there are these hooks in your relationships which are so strong and powerful. You need to get your anger out about: "Why can't my relationships be like the ideal fantasy, I always dreamed they would be." "How hard it is to establish and maintain good relationships." "It takes so much work to keep relationships healthy." You need to do your anger work about how unfair it is that nothing in life comes easy and how you have to work so hard to be healthy and ALERT to all of the hooks which keep you unhealthy in your  relationships. To do your ANGER work you must be sure to address the different faces of anger which the lack of boundaries in your relationships may result in.

 

Anger Issues Resulting from a Lack of Boundaries in Relationships  

1. Becoming Invisible in the Relationships

As a result of getting hooked in your relationships and having no boundaries in them, you might become invisible. This comes from your needs being ignored, your being socially isolated and being made to deal with these relationships on your own, alone and away from your family, friends and support system. You need to get out your anger over your rights being ignored. You need to get your anger out over your fear of not speaking up lest you "cause waves" or start a conflict. You need to get your anger out that you are not seen, heard or considered in your relationships. You need to get your anger out that you stopped thinking, feeling and acting on your own lest you were seen and problems resulted from such independence of action on your part.  

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2. Silent Withdrawal from Your Relationship Partners

As a result of getting hooked in your relationships and having no boundaries in them, you might experience silent withdrawal. This withdrawal involves not allowing yourself to feel feelings of anger or disappointment because things are not going well in your relationships. You might even be driven to use your compulsive behaviors to medicate your negative feelings. You might become more compulsive in your drinking, drugging, gambling, overeating or other addictive behaviors (eg.: shopping, credit car use, risk taking etc.). This act of holding in your anger, about your relationships not giving you what you wanted, just exacerbates your anger. Your keeping silent to maintain a "Peace at any price" stance to avoid conflict with your relationship partners just makes your anger greater and more intense. If you continue to hold your anger in, you will became more and more depressed which feeds the need to self-medicate and withdraw more from your relationship partners. By this action you may also pull away from family, friends, support networks and life in general. You need to get your anger out about how hurt you are that your relationships are not what you wanted. You need to get your anger out about how you have given and given in this relationship until you have no more to give. You need to get your anger out about how you have lost yourself in your relationships because you have no boundaries between you and your relationship partners. If you verbalize your anger in healthy ways you will become a better problem solver in relationships. This will help you and your relationship partners to creatively address and confront the issues pulling your relationships apart.  

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3. Rage over Your Pain and Hurt in Your Relationships

As a result of getting hooked in your relationships and having no boundaries in them, you might experience rage which comes as an over-reaction to your hurt and pain. You might finally realize that you have been conned and duped by your relationship partners into unhealthy relationships and get so angry that you fly off into rages. You need to get your anger out in healthy ways so that you do not feel guilt after these rages. The guilt will only hook you back into the unhealthy relationships. You need to get your rage and anger out in healthy ways so that it does not turn into anger-in which results in your becoming depressed which feeds your compulsive self-medicating behaviors of drinking, drugging, gambling, overeating etc. You need to get this anger and rage out so that it does not turn into self-anger and self-destructive rage. You need to get this anger out so that you can forgive yourself for "being so stupid" or "being so naive" that you could have been "conned and manipulated" so by your relationship partners. You need to get your anger and rage out in a healthy way so that you do not act "crazy" with your relationship partners which then can be used against you later. You need to get this anger and rage out of your system in healthy ways so that you can be "squeaky clean" with your relationship partners as you confront the problems in your relationships.  

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4. Need to Run Away

As a result of getting hooked in your relationships and having no boundaries in them, you might want to run away. You might find yourself wanting to get away with your relationship partners and create a "geographic change." This is thinking that in a different place you can work out relationships in a better way. You need to recognize that this is just holding in your anger and things won't be any different in a new place. You might be repressing your emotional response to your current relationships and find yourself running away from all relationships. The chances are that you will get out of your bad ones but in a new place will probably find other bad ones to replace them with. You might be so wrapped up in your fantasy and ideals, of how relationships are supposed to be, that you run away from these bad ones only to fall into the trap of new ones. The new ones more closely approximate what healthy relationships are supposed to be and yet they are not. Running away from problems is only to run right back into them in a different format, place or time. You need to get your anger out about your current  problems so that you do not repeat the same pattern in the future. You need to rid yourself of all of the negative feelings and emotions which come from the unhealthy aspects of your relationships so that you are free to experience healthier, more positive feelings in the future. You need to confront head on the anger and rage you feel about being disappointed, duped and conned in a boundary‑less relationships so that you do not repeat the pattern in the future. To run away and not face them, is a guarantee of repeating the pattern in the future.

Use the tools in the Tools for Anger Work-Out to get your anger out in healthy ways so that it does not become a destructive force in your relationships.

Click here to go on to Step 3 in Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Relatinships

 

 

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