 Tools
for Relationships
Handling Barriers to Relationships
Content:
Identification of symptoms and barriers in your
relationship-An interactive exercise for people in relationships
Step
1: Spend some time
reflecting on the symptoms listed below. Put a check by each
symptom you feel exists in your relationship. Do this task first and don't
share this list with your partner.
Step
2: Review the list of barriers
in next section after the symptoms. Put a check by each barrier you feel you
have brought to this relationship. Again, do this task silently and do not
share this with your partner.
Step
3: Once you both have
completed Steps 1 and 2, you are ready to share the lists. Take turns sharing
the symptom list (Step 1) and the barrier list (Step 2). As you are speaking,
your partner is to listen quietly, respectfully, and understandingly. Your
partner is not to respond to your list as yet. After sharing the lists of
symptoms and barriers, it is your turn to listen quietly, respectfully, and
understandingly to your partner. You are not to respond to your partner's list
as yet.
Step
4: Consider the
following questions for discussion:
a.
Is it possible to explain the problems in our relationship by the
individual barriers each of us has brought to the relationship?
b.
How are our individual barriers a result of the experience each of us has
had in our families of origin and previous relationships (or marriages)?
c.
Why are these barriers such obstacles to resolving the symptoms we each
listed?
d.
How can we resolve the problems based on the barriers we brought to our
relationship?
e.
What do we want from each other in order to handle the individual
barriers in our relationship?
f.
How easily are we able to admit the individual behavior that brings
barriers to our relationship?
g.
How much effort will it take to overcome our individual behavioral
barriers?
h.
How willing are we to support one another's efforts to change or alter
the individual behavior that causes barriers in our relationship?
i.
How willing are we to accept each other's behavior and not overreact when
barriers come up in handling problems in the relationship?
j.
What options are available to us in handling these barriers in a healthy
way?
Once
you have reviewed these questions, discuss your lists of symptoms and barriers.
Step
5: In discussing each
other's list, consider the following questions for discussion:
a.
Which barriers did we bring to our current relationship?
b.
What behavior shows these barriers?
c.
How irritating is this behavior to one another?
d.
In discussing these barriers are we discussing issues we thought were
past problems in our relationship?
e.
How deeply rooted in each of our personalities is this behavior?
f.
What are the origins for our behavior? Was it the families in which we
were reared? Was it a relationship in the past in which we were hurt? Was it a
previous marriage? Was it a past hurt in our current relationship?
g.
How can we create a climate of healing in our relationship; that is,
accepting the existence of each other's behavioral barriers?
h.
Why does it make no sense to blame each other for the behavior each of us
has brought to the relationship?
i.
How will we handle it the next time one of these barriers interferes in
the relationship?
j.
How real are our relationship problems? Are they really problems or are
they just the interaction of the behavior each of us has brought to the
relationship?
Step
6: Complete Steps 1
through 5 before you tackle the last section: Steps to handle problems in
your relationship.
What symptoms indicate barriers to growth of a
relationship
Check those symptoms which are true for you and your partner in your
relationship:
___
1. Communication
between partners is difficult or non-existent.
___
2. Fighting or
arguing becomes frequent.
___
3. Loyalty and
fidelity begin to be tested.
___
4. Jealousy
appears.
___
5. There is
competition to have needs met.
___
6. Problems and
disagreements go unresolved.
___
7. Insistence is
on doing things together (never alone).
___
8. Partners feel
chained to the relationship.
___
9. People outside
the relationship know about the problems.
___
10. One person
controls problem solving, rules of conduct, and planning.
___
11. There is
competition to see who is the stronger.
___
12. There is a
sense of nonBproductivity.
___
13. An enabler
covers for the other.
___
14. Confusion and
disappointment is evident.
___
15. Talk is about
how it ``should'' be, not about accepting the way it is.
___
16. Comparison of
partner to previous partners, parents, or other family members begins.
___
17. Constant
negativity exists.
___
18. Problems with
intimacy exist.
___
19. Each others'
feelings and rights begin to be ignored.
___
20. Partners are
unable to express their feelings to each other.
___
21. Relating is at
an immature or basic level.
___
22. One partner
clings to the other.
___
23. Partner(s) act
disconnected, like ``free agents.''
___
24. Depression
becomes evident.
___
25. Partner(s) are
unable to make a commitment.
___
26. Fun goes out
of the relationship.
___
27. Partner(s) are
unwilling to get outside ``help.''
___
28. Stubborn and
bullheaded behavior is exhibited.
___
29. Denial of even
having problems exists.
___
30. Partners
ignore and/or run away from offers of help.
Barriers in interpersonal relationships
Check those barriers which are true for you in your relationship with
your partner:
___
1. Mistrust:
lack of trust in your partner liking and accepting who you are rather than how
she/he wants you to be. You are always on guard, vigilant, waiting to be taken
advantage of in the relationship.
___
2. Fear of
rejection: belief that your partner couldn't possibly like or accept
you for who you are and that she/he will probably reject you sooner or later,
so you are on the lookout for the slightest signs of rejection.
___
3. Need
for approval: belief that you need ongoing approval from your partner.
You remain cautious about the way you act, believe, feel, or behave so as not
to offend or lose the approval of your partner.
___
4. Insecurity:
belief that you cannot rely on yourself or on your partner to take care of
you. You are continually anxious about how your personal needs will be met.
___
5. Inflexibility:
belief that your way is the only or the best way for you and your partner to
relate, act, interact, communicate, and problem solve. You hold to a rigid,
structured, absolutist belief in the way things must be in your relationship.
___
6. Lack of
autonomy: belief that your partner must act, believe, think, feel,
behave, and relate like you do, spending all free time with you. This does not
allow the two of you to behave as independent, functioning human beings.
___
7. Lack of
communication: where active listening, effective, helpful responding,
and open free problem solving is absent in your relatioinship. It is either
closed (one way) or parallel (talking side by side with no listening)
communication.
___
8. Avoidance
of conflict: belief that if you two never argue, fight, or disagree,
the chance of having a lasting relationship is better.
___
9. Lack of
respect for the rights of the other: conscious or subconscious belief
that your rights are the only ones that count in the relationship; therefore,
acting in such a way that your partner's rights are ignored, negated,
discounted, or offended.
___
10. Fear
of intimacy: belief that if your partner gets too close, somehow
she/he will know about the real, feeling, sensitive, and human you. This
knowledge will make you very vulnerable to being hurt, thus you shy away from
getting too close.
___
11. Need
for control: belief that you can only enjoy a relationship with your
partner if you are in complete control. If you are not in control, you will
somehow be smothered, taken advantage of, or ignored.
___
12. Need
for power: belief that you must be the most powerful or exert the most
strength of will in the relationship. You believe that otherwise you will be
consumed, become a wimp (Casper Milquetoast), be ignored, be powerless, and
therefore ineffectual in the relationship.
___
13. Irresponsible:
belief that you have little or no responsibility for the relationship or for
your partner. You do nothing to nurture the relationship or to help your
partner cope with life.
___
14. Over-responsible:
belief that you are solely responsible for the welfare and well being of both
the relationship and your partner; therefore, you do things to improve the
relationship and to cover for your partner's lack of responsibility.
___
15. Low
self-esteem: belief that you are worthless, of no value, with nothing
to offer in a relationship. You either take no initiative in the relationship
or you continually feel and act inferior, defensive, tentative, or resistant.
___
16. Fantasy
or idealized image of what a relationship should be and how those in
it should interact: idealistic and unrealistic standards, often unobtainable,
yet their lack of attainment leads to depression and dissatisfaction with the
relationship, your partner, or yourself.
___
17. Lack
of healthy role models: lack of an appropriate example (role model) of
a healthy relationship, not knowing what ``normal'' is. Children from
dysfunctional families often feel that somehow things aren't ``right'' but
seldom can pinpoint the problem of having unhealthy role models.
___
18. Chronic
hostility: chronic anger due to your high-stress background. This may lead to
resentment and hostility toward yourself and others. You cannot hide this
hostility; therefore, your partner might misread it, take it personally, and
thus be hurt.
___
19. Hiding
feelings: belief that you should never let your partner know your
feelings, especially if they are negative or self-deprecating. The result of not
revealing your feelings, be they positive or negative, is that your partner is
left in the dark and must always guess at what is really going on with you.
___
20. Lack
of positive reinforcement: belief that you do not have to reinforce your
partner for the good she/he does, says, or relates. Without the support of
positive verbal or physical feedback regarding sensitivity and kindness, your
partner develops a sense of apathy, lethargy, or lack of desire to please in the
relationship.
___
21. Over-dependence:
belief that without your partner you are nothing, incompetent, meaningless. It
means clinging to your partner in such a way that you never act independently,
requiring and expecting full support for the majority of your thinking,
believing, and problem solving.
___
22. Too
independent: belief that you cannot afford to risk depending on anyone
except yourself for fear of becoming vulnerable to being hurt, let down,
rejected, or disappointed if your partner does not respond fully to any request
for assistance, support, or help. Your behavior, therefore, keeps you and your
partner separate and unconnected.
___
23. Chronic
depression: chronic state of melancholy about yourself and life in
general. This interferes with complete appreciation of your relationship with
your partner. Your behavior and emotional state can give the message that your
partner is the cause for your depression, upsetting the relationship.
___
24. Avoidance
of risk taking: belief that it is better never to take a risk than to
take a risk and fail. In order for a relationship to begin or to grow, active
risk taking by each partner is essential. In the absence of healthy risk taking,
relationships are usually dead end.
___
25.
Absence of fun: belief that having fun is frivolous
and unnecessary in nurturing a relationship. Such a belief can lead to the
partners' taking themselves and their relationship too seriously and becoming
``problem focused'' in their interactions.
Steps in handling problems to allow healthy
relationship growth
Step
1: Admit you have a
problem in your relationship. Use the symptoms list in to help you
identify the symptoms of the problem. In your journal, write down the problem.
Then write how you know it is a problem by listing symptoms present in your
relationship.
Step
2: Based on your open
admission in Step 1 of the problem in your relationship, decide which of the barriers
listed are present in this problem. List them in your journal.
Step
3: Once you have listed
the problem and symptoms in Step 1 and the barriers in Step 2, share this list
with your partner, and ask your partner to read your descriptions in Step 1 and
Step 2.
Step
4: Based on your
partner's responses in Step 3, you both can compare your responses to the three
questions. You are ready for an analysis of your different and similar points of
view. Write down on which points you agree or disagree concerning the problem,
its symptoms, and the barriers present.
Step
5: You and your partner
are ready to develop a plan of action to address those barriers (problems) you
agree exist in your specific relationship:
Take each barrier one at a time and decide:
a.
For whom is this barrier more active?
b.
Is the barrier a blocking or irrational belief?
c.
Can the belief be refuted?
d.
Can the party with the barrier handle it with assistance in the
relationship or is outside help needed?
e.
How long will it take to overcome this barrier?
f.
What behavior can each of us develop to help overcome this barrier?
g.
How will we know if we have been successful in overcoming this barrier?
h.
What preventive action can we take to ensure that this barrier is no
longer an obstacle in our relationship?
i.
What replacement behavior is needed to ensure that this barrier does not
recur?
j.
Are we both in agreement with the remedial course of action needed? If
yes, then we need to commit to working on it.
Step
6: Answer the ten
questions in Step 5 for each of the barriers you agree exists in your
relationship. Once you have completed this, you have developed a plan of action
to address each of these barriers.
Now
you and your partner need to work on the barriers.
Remember,
barriers existed on which you two did not agree.
If
over a period of time you still have barriers in your relationship, return to
Step 1 and begin again.
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