 Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section 8
Parenting Pathfinders Intervene in Loss Issues Facing
Children
CONTENT:
Pathfinders recognize that children are often overcome and lose
direction when they are faced with emotionally charged loss events which are out of their
control and too complex to accept easily. These problems make children face loses which
tax their emotional reserves. To assist them to handle these problem losses in a healthy
coping style, Pathfinders develop and implement strategies which they execute in their
families. The loss issues which are emotionally monumental for children are: (1) divorce
of natural parents; (2) accommodating to step-parents and step-families; (3) death of
parent or sibling; (4) physical or sexual abuse; (5) coping with a parent or sibling who
has a severe emotional or addictive disability; (6) coping with a developmental disability
or chronic illness in self or family member; (7) coping with a disaster or failure.
1.0 Divorce of natural parents
When parents divorce they often do not want to upset their children.
Yet, they realize that to stay married for "the sake of the kids" is not
rational or healthy for them or the children. There are many reasons for getting a divorce
and children do not always need to know all the lurid details why. What they do need to
know is that they are not the reason for the divorce and that there is nothing they did to
cause the divorce. Pathfinders allow their children ample time
to grieve the loss of their natural parents' marriage. They are encouraged to go through
all the stages of loss: denial, bargaining, anger, despair, acceptance, and letting go as
outlined in Tools for Handling Loss (Messina, J.J., 1992, Kendall/Hunt).
Recognition is given to the possibility that they will suffer a decrease in academic or
social functioning during their time of accommodation to this loss. Acceptance of its
finality may take time because they may be unwilling to let go of the dream of their
parents reconciling and reuniting in the future. Pathfinders recognize that it is normal
for children to desire their parents to stay together forever. They do not get angry,
upset,or defensive when their children speak their feelings in this way. They consistently
reassure their children that they are very loved and special to each parent. They state
that the divorce in no way is intended to destroy or damage them for their own future
lives. The parents share their own grief over the loss of the marriage and reassure their
children that they will all survive this loss as long as they keep their lines of
communication open, ventilate their grieving feelings, and allow themselves to be open to
accept the changes resulting from the divorce.
Pathfinders insure reasonable contact with both natural parents with
visitation arrangements. This visitation plan gives the parent without primary residential
rights (the home in which the children do not live regularly) alternating weekend
visitation and one or two nights weekly of dinner and homework time. This insures that
both parents are involved in the every day lives of their children and eliminates the
"Weekend Santa Claus Parent" model. Non-residential or non-custodial parents who
are Pathfinders get involved in the academic, athletic, and club activities of their
children. They attend school conferences, practice sessions, games, and other competitive
events, school plays, field trips, and parent-invited parties. These visitation procedures
insure that the children continue to have the balance of regular and timely male and
female input into their lives thus insuring that the children are not being raised by a
single parent without contact from an absent parent.
Pathfinders who are divorced from one another keep in regular
contact about the children and maintain consistent rules and disciplinary measures in both
homes. They jointly maintain and modify the same policy and procedure manual outlined in
Section 5. They conduct family meetings in their own homes and share the results with the
other parent after the meeting is concluded. The goal is to give the children the
awareness that their parents are still partners in their raising even though they are
divorced and not living together. The parental team stays together even though the members
are divorced. This prevents triangulation where the children play one parent off the
other. The divorced parties are in constant communication which is constructive and
beneficial to consistent parenting. This prevents the children from seeding ill will by
telling stories to inflame the anger and resentment of one parent against the other.
Divorced Pathfinders do not talk negatively or disparagingly about
their former partners. They do not try to weaken the bonding and relationship of the
children with their natural parents no matter how badly they feel about them. Pathfinders
recognize that coming from a divorced family can impair the self-esteem of children and
they make every effort to lessen the negative impact of this separation on their children.
They make every effort to not take their anger and grief about the divorce out on their
children. They recognize that if they are depressed they can depress their children. So
they seek out support and professional help to help themselves adjust to the losses
incurred in the divorce. They also bring their children to support groups and professional
counseling services to insure their children are given every outlet possible to talk out
their feelings and emotional response to the divorce.
Parents of opposite sex children recognize that the children as they
grow older might trigger the anger and resentment they once had towards their divorced
partner. They warn their children of this and give them permission to give them feedback
if they feel that they are receiving disproportionate or unfair treatment compared with
their siblings. If the children and remaining parent have been
abandoned by the other parent with no more contact or financial support, it is important
for the children's long term development that the remaining partner clearly communicate
with the children about all of the details about the absent parent. They will help the
abandoned children not to develop a fantasy idealized image which makes them unresolved in
their grieving this loss in their lives. If their fantasy absent parent is more attractive
than their real custodial parent they will be prone to act up and not respect the parent
they live with at home. By being realistic about the abandoning parent, the children will
be better able to accept their current home life and the possibiliy of never seeing the
lost parent again. Pathfinders recognize that it is important for children to accept their
lives as they are, rather than how they would like them to be.
Pathfinders who are separating and/or divorced from unhealthy,
irrational, revenge seeking ex-partners recognize that it does not do any good to keep the
children in the middle of the battle. They are willing to give
their children a consistent homelife even if it means that they must back away from the
children completely. They weigh the long term benefits and negative impact on their
children of protracted and prolonged legal battles over divorce settlement and custody
arrangements. They refuse to use their children as pawns in the battle. They recognize the
need to let go of the battle and stop trying to control outcomes over which they are
powerless. They utilize the 12 Steps of Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous in The
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Manual (Messina, J.J., 1992, Kendall/Hunt) and let go
of control over the uncontrollables and unchangeables in their lives by using the tools in
Tools for Handling Control Issues (Messina, J.J., 1992, Kendall/Hunt). They seek full
custody and sole parental responsibility recognizing that in pursuing this, they might
lose. They prefer to have the children free of battling between their divorced parents.
They are willing to take the risk of losing custody to settle the revenge seeking of an
ex-partner.
Pathfinders who find themselves forced to back away from their
children to avoid unrealistic and debilitating court fights and harassment by the
ex-partner keep their channels of communication open with their children even when they
know their children are being soured and turned against them. They practice detachment
when they hear what is being spoken about them by their ex-partner. They recognize that
over time their children may recognize the sickness in which they are living and be
attracted to the stable lifestyle alternative which the Pathfinder offers them. They
recognize that material wealth may be more attractive to their children than the healthy
emotional stability they offer. They also know that, over time, the children will have
emotional needs which need parental support. These parents recognize in all probability
they will seek out the stable emotional force of the non custodial Pathfinder parent.
Parents faced with a destructive custody and divorce process need a
great deal of emotional support and professional assistance so that they do not fall apart
or revert and relapse into emotionally unhealthy responses which can have deleterious
impact on their children. They need help to accept that even though they want what is best
for their children, it might be better in the long run to let go of the battle and the
children at the same time. In these cases the children are hurt greatly and often their
life long coping is imperiled but they would be hurt all the more if the battle were
allowed to rage on any longer than it has already.
Children of divorce, as adults, have a harder time in making and
trusting of commitment in marriage. They often need professional assistance once they find
themselves in an interpersonal relationship to help them cope with their fears, mistrust
and insecurity about commitment. Divorced Pathfinders prepare their children for this
reality so that they feel that it is normal to seek out relationship counseling when they
need it.
Divorced Pathfinder work at handling difficult questions of their
children to assist them to grieve and accept the reality of the divorce. These parents
attempt to give their children self-esteem enhancing responses which do not destroy their
sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Some sample questions about divorce and the
divorce process are as follows:
1.1. When will you two come back together?
At this time it does not look like we will ever come back together.
We have decided that it is best for everyone involved that we no longer stay married to
one another. We do not believe we would ever be happy together. We do not believe it is
fair to our children that they be made to suffer from our "staying together for the
sake of our kids."
1.2. Why didn't you give me a choice who I could live with after the
divorce?
We both felt that it was in your best interest to have primary
residence with your designated parent. We both believed that it was a reasonable choice so
that your life would not be altered too much more than it already will be by the divorce.
We both recognize that once you grow old enough, and if you so desired, you could select
to change your primary residence to your other parent's. We both support your right to
make such a choice when you become old enough to do so. But on the other hand, because of
our agreement, you will be splitting your weekends between the two of us and you will
spend at least two nights a week with your parent with whom you do not permanently live.
We believe that this contact will result in you feeling like you have equal contact with
the two of us.
1.3. Why couldn't you work out your problems with each other?
We tried to work out our problems by seriously working on them in
marital and individual counseling. We recognized that we were doing more harm to each
other, and to you kids, by staying married. We believe our problems are not workable or
solvable. We needed to be honest about that so that the hurting and fighting could
discontinue. We hope that you kids will be able to forgive us for this decision when you
get old enough to fully understand our dilemma and pain in making this decision. We love
you dearly and in no way do we want our decision to hurt or destroy you.
1.4. Can both of you come on vacation with us when we have our
family vacation?
Because we are divorced we will no longer do things together like
family vacations, holidays and birthdays. We both do not believe it would be fair to you
for us to do things together which might mislead you to think that maybe we indeed will be
able to come back together to reconcile and remarry.
1.5. Will you both love me as much as you did before the divorce?
Just because your mother and father no longer love each other enough
to stay married does not mean that we do not love you as much as we did prior to our
divorce. Because of the changes coming from the divorce, we may not have as much time to
spend with you as we did before but that does not mean that we love you less. Divorce does
not result in parents loving their children less. In fact it is because we love you so
much that we have chosen to role model a decision which shows respect for our individual
differences. To stay married together would have destroyed each of us and possibly you in
the process. Because we both love you very much we no longer want to do anything in our
marriage which will give you poor preparation for your own adult life. We do not want to
give you a false or negative image of how to conduct interpersonal relationships in your
life. Just because the chemistry between your parents was bad does not mean that the
chemistry between you and them is also bad.
1.6. If you both loved me, you would have stayed together to keep
our family together, wouldn't you?
It is because we love you that we are divorcing. It is important to
us that you be given healthy messages about how people should get along with one another.
We recognized that our relationship was unhealthy. It could have had a negative impact on
you for later life, if we stayed together. We recognize that it is hard to understand that
a bad thing can in the long run be a good thing for you. We recognize that you have a
right to feel bad and sad about our decision. We both felt sad and bad about our decision
as well. We recognized that it might give you a wrong message about our individual
relationships with you. We both love you very much and want for you to be as happy and
successful in life as possible. We regret having to force you to cope with this divorce
and its aftermath. We want you to continue to feel free to express your feelings, doubts,
and sadness over this divorce, since it is an unhappy occasion for all of us.
1.7. Now that you are divorced, you aren't going to marry someone
else are you?
Just because your parent was not the right partner for me to live
with the rest of my life, does not mean that there might not be a better person out there
for me. There is no one out there for me right now. It will take at least one to two years
to get my life back on track to adjust to this divorce. Once I have adjusted to this
divorce, I may meet someone whom I would be willing to marry. At that time I will involve
you in meeting the person and hopefully you will be able to accept this person as a good
spouse for me and a good step parent for you.
1.8. What should I tell others about this divorce?
You need the support of your friends during this time. We expect you
will be honest with them about the fact that your parents are divorced. We want you to be
free to express your feelings about the divorce to them. You need to be ready for some
kids to make fun of you because your parents divorced. Remember that they really don't
know how bad you feel because of the divorce. You need to help your friends to know how
sad you are as a result of this divorce. Ask their assistance to let you express freely
your negative feelings with them.
1.9. Now that you are getting a divorce will my grandparents still
be my grandparents?
Even though your parents are divorcing does not mean that you lose
your grandparents in the process. They will still be your grandparents. It is our goal
that you will still have continuing contact with both sets of grandparents. Your
grandparents might feel bad about our getting a divorce and say things about each of us
they ought not to say. We hope that you will not take to heart what bad things your
grandparents say about either of us. If they continue to say negative things about either
of us, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, let us know and we will talk to them about
this. We both want you to continue to have a close relationship with both sets of
grandparents. We hope they feel the same about you. If they don't want to continue to be
close with you, then we will help you grieve that loss when the time comes.
1.10. Why does my life have to change just because the two of you
can't get along and want a divorce?
We recognize that we are getting a divorce, not because of anything
you did, but because we have troubles of our own. We are very painfully aware that because
of our problems, your life is being turned upside down. We regret that we are doing this
to you. However, if we stayed together to please you and not to affect your life, there is
a good chance that we would become resentful of you for forcing us to stay together when
we no longer love one another. If we did that, your life would be miserable and most
likely you would feel as bad then as you do now. It is better for us to be honest with
each other and you and divorce while we can still maintain a cordial relationship with
each other. This will enable us to raise you in a healthy and cooperative manner.
Pathfinders recognize that it is often difficult for children to
adjust to the presence of a step-parent in their lives. They are subjected to an inner
turmoil over divided loyalties between their natural parent and the step-parent. They need
to be given time to get to know the new step-parent. They need a chance to get to know
this new person as well as their parent has. It is unfair to expect them to warm up and
accept this person into their lives until they have worked out their grieving and
acceptance of the loss of the marriage of their natural parents. The introduction of a new
potential step-parent often precipitates the crisis about the loss of their dream of
parental reconciliation and often the new step-parent becomes the brunt of their active or
passive anger. Pathfinders recognize that it is normal for children to act out towards the
new step-parent as a result of their hurt over the finality of their parents' divorce
becomes real to them. Step-parents who are Pathfinders do not take the initial negative
responses personally. They give cues to the children that they can freely express their
negative feelings so as to assist the presence of the step-parent in their lives.
Pathfinder natural parents do not expect new step-parents to step in
and radically change how the family life is run. The step-parents are introduced to the
family policy and procedure manual as outlined in Section 5. The step-parent is welcomed
into family meetings. New changes in family routine are agreed upon by all family members.
Definition and clarity of the step-parent's role in the lives of the children is detailed
and recorded in the family policy manual and family meeting minutes. Pathfinder
step-parents make it clear that they do not intend to replace the other natural parent of
the same sex. Their goal is to support and aid their new spouse in the following through
with the parenting strategies the two Pathfinder natural parents have decided upon.
If the natural parents were not Pathfinders, the Pathfinder
step-parent cautiously role models healthy parenting strategies in interaction with the
children without being too invasive or intrusive. The Pathfinder step-parent introduces
the new spouse to the Pathfinder Principles of parenting and encourages the use of the
family meetings, the natural and logical consequences model of behavioral change and the
use of the family policy and procedure manual. Pathfinder step-parents accept that the
outcome with their step-families is out of their control. They do not force things to
happen but rather role model a healthy life style and practice detachment when they see
things that need "fixing" in their new step-families. Pathfinder step-parents
resist making judgmental or critical comments on how the family life has been conducted up
to their point of entry into it.
Pathfinders avoid marrying into a family in which their new spouses
are not willing to be open to implementing the Pathfinder parenting system. They recognize
that there could be a possibility of conflict and turmoil over the inconsistency between
the parenting styles of the natural parents and themselves. The resulting confusion on the
children could be too debilitating to their health and the health of the parents involved.
Pathfinders step back from trying to fix an unhealthy family by marrying into it. They
recognize their limitations and set healthy boundaries for themselves so as not to relapse
into an overcontrolling mode.
Pathfinders recognize that when they blend two families together,
this can be a source of great loss for all children involved. They give all of the
children time to grieve so they can accept and adjust to the changes this blending creates
in their lives. It is imperative when two separate families are being blended that both
parents be Pathfinders. The possibility of one parent being a Pathfinder in a blended
family and being successful in assisting all children to have healthy self-esteem and to
become personally responsible is close to impossible due to the incredible number of
factors involved in the blending process.
Initially in a blended family, the two new parents need to review
the family policies and procedures operating in their respective families. They then need
to combine all relevant procedures and polices in a common blended family policy manual.
They then need to implement family meetings to review the newly combined family policies
and procedures so that new modifications can be made for the blended group. All new
blended family members need to be involved in some or all of these meetings so that there
is clarity of lines of parental authority established with all children at one time.
Pathfinders recognize that in establishing a step-family or blending
two families together that many factors need to be addressed. Here are samples of :
2.1. Why do I have to listen to you? You aren't my parent.
Pathfinder step-parents and natural parents recognize that it takes
time for children to accept and accommodate to the new role of a step-parent in their
lives. Every effort is made, beginning in the dating and engagement period of their
relationship, for the natural parent and the soon-to-be step-parent to involve the
children in the planning of a new family configuration. This involves the children in
first becoming comfortable with the new adult parenting figure in their lives. Pathfinders
take this process slow and gradual. They do not rush into remarrying and overwhelming
their children with the magnitude of changes which this will bring on. When it seems
appropriate, the children of the two "old families" are introduced during the
dating process of their parents. Pathfinders who have children make it clear to new dates
that they come as a package deal since their children are an important part of their
lives. Children who sense that they are not accepted unconditionally for who they are will
be very hesitant to accept and be open with a new adult figure in their natural parent's
life. Pathfinders accept that children will test out new parenting figures in their lives.
They do not take it personally when children initially are hesitant to accept what they
tell them. In situations like this, they will get the natural parent involved to handle it
until there is a permanent commitment and clarity of the roles of the step-parent in the
lives of the children.
2.2. Who is in charge of me?
Pathfinders avoid "yours" and "mine" in blending
children into a new family. Rather they implement "our" children so that the
blended family can develop a "new we" identity. This is only possible if both
parents agree to the same forms and model of parenting. This hopefully avoids comparisons
made by the children as to which "old family's children" are being treated
fairer, better, and more generously. This creates a sense of consistency in an unstable
environment which helps reduce the anxiety, stress, and tension of children as to what
this new blending will cause in their lives.
2.3. Why do I have to give up my room?
Pathfinders try to avoid blending a new family into the home of one
of the "old families" so as to avoid the "old family's children"
feeling invaded by the other family and being displaced or evicted from their old private
and public rooms. Often the life style of one or both of the "old families" will
be altered dramatically due to the infusion of new financial capabilities or the reduction
of financial resources due to the needs of the larger blended family. Pathfinders allow
their children to grieve these realities openly and freely in family meetings and parental
communications.
2.4. Why do I have to share you with them?
Pathfinders recognize that their children will initially find it
difficult to share their natural parents with the step-children in the new blended family.
These parents allow their children to openly grieve the necessity of having to share them
with others. They listen to their concerns about "not enough of you to go
around" and "will you still love me as much as you did before they came into our
lives?" They allow their natural children time to adjust to seeing them be
affectionate and loving to their step-children. Pathfinders recognize that some children
will never be able to accept the sharing of their natural parents with other children and
they practice detachment and let go of the need to change their children's feelings,
perceptions and attitudes about this.
2.5. Why do I have to get along with them, they aren't my real
brother or sister?
Pathfinders recognize that sibling rivalry becomes more intense in a
blended family. They make allowances for it in their family meeting agendas, family
policies and procedures. They inform their children that the natural consequences of
cooperation in the blended family is greater peace, serenity, love, acceptance, and fun
times for all. They allow them to openly discuss their feelings about their new siblings.
They encourage them to grieve the loss of the possibilities of what they could have been
for what they really are. Pathfinders in blended families struggle to be fair and not to
reflect a bias in favor of their natural children when conflicts and disagreements arise.
2.6. Why do we have to go to counseling and support groups just
because you remarried?
Pathfinders recognize that it takes a great deal of time, emotional
energy, patience, perseverance, and objectivity in blending two families together. They
recognize their own limitations in this process and seek out professional help when the
project appears bigger than the two of them can handle. They seek out support groups for
the children where they can ventilate their feelings about the blending process with
others experiencing life in the same way. They may involve the new family in family
counseling. They may seek out professional help for themselves to retain their objectivity
and recovery life style in the blending process.
2.7. My dad (or Mom) would never treat me the way you do.
Pathfinder step-parents recognize that their step-children may be
resistant to accepting their parental authority and may use manipulation and guilt to
undermine them. These parents do not take such comments personally but instead see them as
natural considering the grief and loss issues involved in blending families. The
Pathfinder step-parents are prepared for their children to make comparisons with the
absent natural parents. They make every effort for the absent natural parents to know and
to accept the new step-parents' roles in their children's lives. They make every effort to
involve the step-parents in discussions with the natural parents about the welfare of the
children. The children are informed of the cooperation between the absent natural parent
and step-parent so as to disarm the manipulative ploy of playing the natural parent
against the step-parent.
2.8. I would like to move in with Mom (or Dad).
Pathfinders are prepared for children in blended or step-families to
request to move into the home of the absent natural parent. Pathfinders are willing to
allow their children the freedom to chose where they want to live if they cannot adjust to
the blended or step-family. They use detachment, the letting go of control tools and the
12 step principles to give them the strength and courage to allow their children to make
the move. The children are told that once this move is made that they would be welcomed to
return to the family. This is only if they could live within the blended or step-family's
policies and procedures and accept the family as it is rather than how they would like it
to be. They are also told that if they did return that they would no longer be allowed to
move back with the absent natural parent if they were unhappy again with the blended or
step-family. This prevents the children from using the moves to cover up for problems
which go unaddressed and unsolved.
2.9. I like you more than my real Dad (or Mom).
Pathfinder step-parents are prepared for their step-children to make
comparisons of them with their natural parents. They do not set out to set up a
competitive comparison with the natural parents. Due to the Pathfinder model of parenting,
children are more predisposed and accepting of parents who fully accept them
unconditionally for who they are rather than for what they do or accomplish. Pathfinder
step-parents redirect their step-children when these comparisons are made to love their
natural parents unconditionaly and to accept them for who they are rather than regret what
they are not. Pathfinder step-parents always remind themselves and their step-children of
who they are in their lives. They never try to usurp the authority and role of the natural
parents in their lives.
2.10. We did it better in our old family. Our old family was better
than this one.
Pathfinders recognize that children will long for the older more
habitual and comfortable ways of doing things. It is a part of their grieving the loss of
their old family as they knew it. Pathfinders remind their children that the old family no
longer exists and that they have a right to mourn its loss. However the new family now
exists and that they are doing the best they can considering the circumstances to make
everybody happy and adjusted with the changes. They ask them to be patient with the
changes and to continue to give input so that the new family can run smoother and more
efficiently for everyone involved. Pathfinders make every effort to assist their children
to adapt to and accept their new family circumstances with their step-parents and
step-families. They recognize that they cannot make their children fully accept the
changes in their lives and give their children plenty of space and time to cope with their
new realities.
3.0 Death of parent or sibling
Pathfinders recognize that death is a difficult reality for people
to face and accept, no matter their age. When a parent or sibling is dying, it is
important to allow the children to be informed about all aspects of the impending death.
Children need to be prepared to deal with the impact of the terminal condition of their
loved one. They need to be given time to say "good by" and to visit and talk
with their dying loved one. They cannot be kept in the dark about what is happening.
Pathfinders make sure that their children are fully informed on the progress of their
dying loved one. When death does come, hopefully it is not as great a shock to them as it
could be if they were left in the dark. They need to be given reassurance that the illness
and/or death is not due to anything they did to or said about their loved one. They need
to be given reassurance that there is nothing they can do to make the person live a
healthy life or come back from the dead. They need to be given time to fully comprehend
the impact of the news about the illness and/or death. They need to be given time to
grieve the loss and told about the stages of grieving so that they know what they are
experiencing and feeling is normal.
When the death occurs suddenly through accident or illness, the
shock and horror needs to be dealt with openly and honestly with the children. They need
to be given permission to fully express their feelings about the suddenness of the news
and horror of the reality in their lives. Pathfinders allow their children to see them
deal openly with their own grief and emotional responses. They do not encourage stuffing
feelings or keeping a stiff upper lip.
Pathfinders allow their children to participate in planning the
funeral for their loved ones. They give their children opportunity to put their own
touches into the ceremony. They encourage their children to write good by letters or
eulogies which are read at the service. They have them select music which is reflective of
the dead loved one. They encourage their children to be open about their memories about
their loved ones and to share these memories during the services. They let their children
know that it is healthy to feel sad and tearful in facing this death. They encourage their
children to be free with their sad feelings during services for their loved ones.
Pathfinders encourage their children to establish a memorial place
in their homes where they can place mementos of their dead loved one. They encourage their
children to gather in this place scrapbooks, photo albums, baby books, and other special
artifacts of their deceased loved one. Pathfinders encourage their children to use this
memorial place during their future grief work. In this place music tapes, eulogies and
good by letters can be used along with the other mementoes to experience the full grief
experience, as outlined in The Tools for Handling Loss (Messina, J.J., 1992,
Kendall/Hunt), so that they can come to full acceptance of the loss over the next two to
five years post death. Pathfinders do not attempt to rush themselves or their children to
fully accept or grieve the loss of their loved one.
Pathfinders openly and honestly answer their children's questions
and concerns about the death. They attempt to do so in a way to guard and keep secure
their children's self-esteem, sense of security, trust and self-confidence. What follows
are some sample questions and Pathfinder's responses.
3.1. Why did this happen?
We will never fully be able to fully comprehend why this happened.
All we can do is to ask our Higher Power to accept our loved one in Heaven. We need to
hand over to our Higher Power, our grief and doubts about why this happened. Death is
never easy to understand or accept. But we must go on with our own lives and try to accept
it. No one can ever tell us why it happened. All they can tell us is what caused the death
and how it happened. It is my hope that because we loved our deceased family member so
much that we will pull together as a family and survive this loss in as healthy a manner
as possible.
3.2. Is there something I did to make this happen?
You did not do anything to cause this person to get ill and/or die.
This happened for reasons none of which had to do with you. There is nothing you need to
blame yourself for in this matter. You are not responsible for what happened. You need to
be good to yourself and not worry about how you could have done something different so it
wouldn't have happened.
3.3. How will we go on without our loved one?
As hard as it is to accept, we will survive the death of our loved
one. Yes, our life will be different, but we will pull together and make adjustments. We
have the ability to make the most of our life without our loved one present. We can show
by our new life that our loved one was well loved and cared about because we cared enough
not to completely fall apart and die ourselves. Our loved one would expect us to go on and
make the most of our life. We can fulfill that wish by making it happen in memory of that
wish.
3.4. Why couldn't it have happened to me?
I appreciate your concern, but it does no one any good to think that
way. You weren't responsible for what happened. There was nothing you could do to not make
it happen. If you took our dead loved one's place, then we would be mourning your death.
No matter how we feel about it, we still must accept it happened. We must go on from this
point forward with no regrets or doubts about our role in the death. To offer ourselves up
for the life of the other is to bargain with the loss. It is a form of denial. We had no
control over this death. We need to accept this death as it is rather than how we would
like it to have been.
3.5. Why did it have to happen now?
There never seems to be a right time for a person to die. We know
that we will all ultimately die at some time. We need to accept that it happened now in
our lives when we least needed it to happen. We can't control when we will die, even if we
take perfectly good care of our health and safety. This is a fact of life we need to
accept. When death comes no one can control the timing. This is just one more thing we
need to hand over to our Higher Power. Why this time was chosen, we will never know. What
we do know is that it happened. We need to go on from this point to live the rest of our
lives without our loved one.
3.6. Why couldn't the doctors save our loved one from dying?
No matter how skillful and talented doctors are, they cannot always
save a person from dying. We need to recognize that we can take a lot of measures to
prevent illness and death, but even with the greatest advances in medicine there are still
things that cannot control and prevent deaths. We did every thing we could to keep our
loved one alive. When there were no other things to do, we needed to accept that death was
all that was left.
3.7. Why does it still feel so bad a year later?
To fully grieve the death of a loved one takes a long time. It is a
sign of how much we loved that person that we still feel pain over this loss. There is no
shorthand, quick solution to relieve the pain of our loss. We need to fully grieve and
allow ourselves to let our feelings out. Maybe in time the hurt and pain will feel less,
but the loss will always be there for us to remember. Feeling bad does not mean that we
haven't accepted the death. It instead means that in acceptance of our loss we recognize
its magnitude and impact on us.
3.8. Will I have to accept my new step-parent as a replacement for
my dead parent?
I never expect you to fully let go of the loss of your dead natural
parent. My wish is that you accept my new spouse as your step-parent. Step-parent means
"in place of." I would like you to accept this new person as someone who loves
and accepts you enough to parent you in the place of your dead parent. Your step-parent
does not want to replace your dead parent but rather to fill in to complete the tasks of
parenting you which death robbed your natural parent from accomplishing. My hope is that
you will come to love your step-parent as your own. I recognize that this love will be
different from what you felt for your natural parent. We will always openly talk about
your dead natural parent if the occasion arises. I never want you to be afraid to ask
questions about your dead natural parent. I want you always to be free with your feelings
if you are hurting or in pain. I hope that you will be free with your loss feelings with
your new step-parent. Please do not hide from us if you are missing your dead parent.
Don't hold back because your natural parent is not alive to experience the joys and
successes you are experiencing in your current life.
3.9. What can I do about feeling guilty about what I did or didn't
say or do to my deceased loved one?
There is nothing that you can say or do at this time to make up for
what you said or didn't say before your loved one died. You need to forgive yourself for
what you did or didn't say or do in the past. You need to let go of guilt for this and
allow yourself to go on and live your life to the fullest without burdening yourself with
blame or guilt. Your loved one would have wanted you to live your live as optimally as
possible and would not want you to be so down on yourself for your past behaviors.
3.10. Will you die and leave me too like my dead loved one did?
Death is a reality which we cannot predict or control. All we can do
is to live as healthy a lifestyle as possible so as to insure that we lengthen our time on
earth. But we cannot ever fully reassure you that some accident or sudden unexplained
event might not cause you or me to die. For that reason, we need to enjoy life one day at
a time. We need to enjoy each other's company to the fullest each day of life we are
given. It is because of this that we need to always be as honest and open with one
another. We need to try to insure that things do not go unsaid which need to be said.
Conversely we need to try not to say things to one another anything which we might come to
regret later on. I love you very much. I will do what I can to take care of my health and
safety to be around as long as I can to share my life with you.
4.0 Handling the reality of physical or sexual abuse of
children
The goal of Pathfinder Parenting is to prevent the abusive treatment
of children. However, there are times when Pathfinders have to deal with their own
children or step-children who have suffered physical and/or sexual abuse. It is important
in dealing with them that Pathfinders recognize that they will be dealing with children
who may be filled with horror, pain, fear, insecurity, anxiety, rage, or a mix of all of
the above and more.
Abused children are victims who have survived horrors which they
would like never repeated. It is important to give them a great deal of latitude in
expressing their feelings. Pathfinders need to be fully accepting and empathetic with
their feelings. They need to try not to be judgmental or critical of what the children
say. Pathfinders need to be cautious not to be overly defensive or denying about what the
perpetrator of abuse did to the children. In letting abused children speak openly and
freely about what happened to them, it is important that they are given reassurance that
the Pathfinder parent will protect them from future abuse by the perpetrator. Pathfinders
work with state agency personnel and police to insure that the perpetrator is dealt with
legally. They insure that appropriate mental health services are given to lessen the
chances of repeat offenses. Pathfinders are willing to file charges on behalf of the
children to insure that the children never have to experience such horrors in the future.
Pathfinders recognize that children often do not want the
perpetrator to be punished legally. This is especially true if the perpetrator is a
parent. The Pathfinder needs to be sympathetic to the fears of the children. The
Pathfinder parent still needs to educate them as to the wisdom of allowing legal
consequences to occur to help the perpetrator to get help to straighten out the problems
which underlie why the abuse occurred in the first place.
Pathfinders might also be the victim of the abuse of the
perpetrators. It is important that they be honest with their children about the extent of
the spouse abuse involved. They need to be open about the need for the perpetrators to get
legal and emotional help before allowed back into the home. If the abuse is family wide
then the entire family needs professional assistance to handle the losses involved in such
a tragedy.
Pathfinders recognize that physical and/or sexual abuse can have
life long impact on their children. They do not expect their children to overcome the
injury of such abuse in a short time. They are very accepting of their children's need to
be slow in handling the losses resulting from the abuse. Pathfinders keep the reality of
the abuse catalogued in their memory. If in the future negative behaviors erupt in the
children they seek professional help. They recount the abuse issue as being one of the
possible reasons behind the children's aberrant behaviors and emotions.
Pathfinders try not to allow their children to become delusional by
forgetting the reality of their abuse. They assist their children to remain in touch with
the impact of the abuse. This allows them to fully grieve the losses involved and to come
to full acceptance of its reality and impact in their lives. What follows are some samples
of issues which parents have to confront in assisting their children deal with physical
and/or sexual abuse.
4.1. I love my abusive parent very much and I am at fault for what
happened. I don't blame my parent. I deserved what I got.
No matter how badly you acted, you did not deserve to be abused as
badly as you were. No one is permitted to be physically abusive to you no matter how you
act. Your body is yours to protect and no one has a right to violate your physical
boundaries the way you were when you were abused physically like you were. Parents have to
find other ways to discipline their children instead of using physical force. You would
never be physically abused like that again if I have control over what happens to you.
However, since I cannot control everything that happens to you, you will need to protect
yourself in the future if your abusive parent tries this again with you. You will need to
call the police for help and then call us to let us know what is happening. If the calls
or threats of calling do not work, then we will have to report your abusive parent to the
state authorities for your rights to be protected.
4.2. I don't want my abusive parent reported to the police or to the
state authorities because I'm afraid I'll never see my parent again. I don't want my
parent put into jail.
It is the state law that abuse such as you received be reported to
the appropriate state agency. Also it is important that your abusive parent get help,
because what your parent did to you is an indication that your parent is very sick and
needs help. By reporting your abusive parent, we can make it possible that help, which is
badly needed, will be offered so that something like this will never happen again to you.
I know that you are scared that you will never see your parent. But, it would be better
that you never see your parent again to insure that this never happens to you again. You
are a beautiful and wonderful person. You deserve to be treated better than how your
parent treated you. No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated. Since your
parent did this, it is a sign of how much help your parent needs.
4.3. Why did my parent do this to me. What did I do to deserve this
treatment?
Your abusive parent had to be emotionally or mentally ill to do
something like this to you. You did nothing to deserve this. No one deserves to be treated
the way you were treated. You did the right thing to let us know what happened to you. We
are going to take steps to insure that your abusive parent never does this to you again.
4.4. What will other people say if they find out that I told on my
parent and my parent ends up in jail or in trouble?
It does not make any difference what others say about you. You are
doing the right thing by reporting your abusive parent to the authorities. You cannot
allow your parent to do this again to you or to anybody else. You are protecting yourself
and others by getting your parent the help needed to stop this behavior. You do not need
to feel any guilt or embarrassment for doing what you need to do to protect yourself and
stand up for your rights. What is important is to get your parent into the hands of the
appropriate authorities so that help can be given. You do not need to keep this a secret
to protect your parent from other's bad opinion either.
4.5. My abusive parent warned me never to tell anyone about what
happened or I would be severely punished or that something awful would happen to my
family.
You did the right thing by letting us know what happened. We are
going to inform the police and the state authorities of what happened. There is no way you
or we will be in danger from your parent's wrath since the officials will be taking care
of your parent. At the same time, they will be protecting you and us from any danger from
your parent's anger. We will ask the state authorities to not allow your parent to visit
you without an appropriate supervisor present. Only after your parent gets the appropriate
help needed to overcome this problem will you ever be allowed to visit your parent without
a lot of protection and supervision.
4.6. Will I have to testify in court against my abusive parent?
If the state presses charges against your abusive parent and your
parent pleads innocent, then you will be requested to testify in court. If your parent
pleads innocent to the charges of abuse then you know how sick your parent really is.
Because your parent is sick you need to protect yourself by testifying in court so that
the judge and jury can be convinced of how sick your parent is and how much help is needed
to fix the problems. You do not have to be afraid of your abusive parent coming after you
because the state and police authorities are watching your parent very carefully and will
arrest your parent the first wrong step taken against you.
4.7. Is there something I could do to help my abusive parent from
doing this to me again?
There is nothing you can do to or with your abusive parent to insure
that this will not happen again to you. What you need to do is to report your abusive
parent to the appropriate authorities so that your parent is identified as a person
needing a great deal of professional help to insure that this never happens to you again.
When people do the things your abusive parent did to you, they need special help to help
them understand why they do what they do and to insure that they will never do it again.
4.8. I am so ashamed of what happened to me. How will I ever be able
to go on in life now that this has happened to me?
What happened to you is bad, but you will be able to survive this
with a lot of help and assistance from us and the professional counselor who is going to
be working with you. It takes time for the wounds, you received to heal on the outside as
well as on the inside. You will always have our love and support. We accept you just the
way you are and hope you will accept yourself in the same way. You need to forgive
yourself for what happened to you. You did not do anything to justify this happening to
you. Your abusive parent was sick since only a sick person could do such a thing to
another person. We will work with you and your counselor so that you put your life back
together again. We want for you to be successful in life and hope that you will be able to
heal yourself from the wounds of this abuse.
4.9. I am never going to have children since they say that if you
were abused as a child you will abuse your own children when you grow older.
With the help you have been receiving since you were abused, it is
our hope that you will heal from the emotional wounds you received. By healing from your
wounds you will recognize what are healthy ways to disciplin and treat children. By
learning what are normal ways of interacting in a family, you will hopefully learn how to
treat your own children without resorting to abuse. You see in our own family that we do
not resort to abuse to deal with you and there is no reason for you to not be able to do
this non-abusive behavioral treatment with your own children when you become an adult.
4.10. There seems to be no reason to try as hard as I do to please
my abusive parent since no matter how I act the abuse still comes my way.
This is a sign of how emotionally ill your abusive parent is and why
it is important for your parent to get professional help. You are not the real reason why
your parent is so abusive. The reason you parent is so abusive is inside your parent's
mind and heart. There are probably immense emotional wounds in your parent's life which
have never healed due to lack of professional intervention or support. There is no excuse
for the way you have been abused. You do not need to feel responsible for what happened to
you. What happened to you is out of your control. You cannot fix or change your parent's
abusive behaviors. Only your parent can change or fix these behaviors. It will take a lot
of professional help and time for your parent to be able to heal the problems which
underlay why you have been treated so abusively.
5.0 Handling parent or sibling with severe emotional or
addictive disability
Pathfinders recognize that if children are raised in a family in
which a parent or sibling has a severe emotional or addictive disability that this is a
severe loss in their lives. Pathfinders assist their children to recognize the reality of
the problems and they do not contribute to the illusion or denial that the problem does
not exist. They keep their children from being delusional that living with a person with
such a severe problem is "normal." They keep their children reality focused in
the "here and now" and assist them not to escape into fantasy about what could
be if the problem just went away. They inform their children of the possible negative
emotional and health problems which living with such a person in the family can cause for
them. Pathfinders make every effort to fully inform their children of the impact of the
emotional or addictive problem on the person with the problem and themselves.
Pathfinders do not whitewash the existence of the problems for their
children. These parents role model healthy dealing and coping with these problems by their
seeking out professional assistance to deal with them. Pathfinders participate in support
programs available for people who have family members with emotional and/or addictive
diseases. They encourage their children to participate in age appropriate support groups
for children who have family members who have such problems. They involve their entire
family in family counseling to address the impact of the identified member's problem on
the family.
Pathfinders treat emotional and addictive conditions as if they were
illnesses or diseases and not as moral weakness. They encourage their children to treat
people with the conditions as if they were sick or ill and not as if they were
"bad." Pathfinders provide their children with literature and readings about the
problem. They inform their children of the long term ramifications of the conditions and
why it is imperative for the problems to be treated as seriously as they are by the
Pathfinder.
Pathfinders role model healthy boundaries for their children when
dealing with emotional and addictive diseases. They make their limits known to the people
with the problems about what they will and will not tolerate from them. They set limits
for the people to seek out help for themselves for the problem. They set limits on how
long a person with the problem will be allowed to stay in the house with the problem not
being treated. They inform their children of the limits they have set. They inform the
children of the factors which went into the setting of their limiting boundaries. They
instruct their children of the wisdom of such limit setting when dealing with emotional
and addictive diseases. They encourage full discussion of the pros and cons of the limits
set in their family meetings with their children. They explore the natural and logical
consequences of the limits set on the family.
Pathfinders attempt to protect their children from the negative
impact of emotional and addictive diseases on them. However they inform their children of
the potential life long ramifications in their own lives of living with a person with such
problems. Pathfinders seek out professional help when they recognize that their children
are experiencing negative consequences from their active involvement with such people.
They encourage their children to fully grieve the losses they have incurred as a result of
living with people with these problems.
6.0 Coping with a developmental disability or chronic illness
in self or others in family
Pathfinders help their children to recognize when there is a chronic
illness or developmental disability present in a family member or in themselves. These
parents recognize that the presence of such problems can have a negative impact on
children both while living at home but also in latter life.
Pathfinders allow their children to grieve the losses involved in
the existence of a chronic illness or developmental disability in a family member. They
recognize that all of the special attention and time needed to address the problems of the
"target" family member can take time from the other family members. Pathfinders
recognize that children often strive to be overly responsible and "adult like"
when facing a parent or sibling with such a condition. They recognize that these children
do not want to bother them with their "small concerns and problems." They are
sensitive to the needs of these children to protect their parents whom they perceive as
being overwhelmed by the burdens of taking care of the target family member.
Pathfinders encourage their children to openly express their
concerns and worries about the target family member and the condition. They allow their
children to openly express their anger, resentment, jealousy, and guilt over having a
family member who has a condition which occupies so much time and resources of the family.
These children are allowed to openly express their regrets and animosity emanating from
having to sacrifice for the welfare of the target family member.
Pathfinders role model healthy coping with having family members
with such conditions by involving themselves in support groups around such conditions.
These parents encourage their children to participate in sibling and family member support
groups concerning these conditions.
Pathfinders allow their children who have these conditions to grieve
the losses involved in having these conditions. Pathfinders are honest and realistic with
their children about the conditions and their life long impact. These parents handle their
own grief about the condition so that they can realistically accepted the impact and
ramifications of such conditions on themselves and the other non affected family members.
To explore further issues concerning how to handle these conditions parents can refer to Coping
Strategies for Parents of Children with Special Needs on this Website.
Pathfinders make every effort to address the concerns of their
children so that they are not as adversely impacted as they could be by the presence of
such conditions in themselves or other family members. What follows are some samples of
children's responses to having developmental disabilities or chronic illness in the
family. These samples can also apply to families in which there is an emotional or
addictive disease.
6.1. Why didn't I get that condition since my sibling is a better
person than me.
It doesn't do you or your sibling any good to feel guilty about not
having the condition which your sibling has. There is no way to control or predict how
people get these conditions. What we know is that these conditions are not given to people
based on the presence or absence of goodness in them. You are a good person in yourself.
Your sibling is also a good person. It doesn't do us any good to harbor doubts about why
we were not given this condition. What we need to do is to be a family as best as we can
considering the circumstances facing us. I want you to be honest with me concerning your
feelings about the condition and the impact it is having on you.
6.2. You make such a big deal about every little thing our target
family mamber accomplishes and yet I feel like you ignore all the good things I
accomplish.
I have to admit that we do over emphasize every little
accomplishment your sibling makes. It is not our intention to purposely ignore your
accomplishments. Please forgive me for ignoring what you do and please remind me when I am
ignoring you. I am very proud of you. I love you for being who you are. I do not want to
have you to think that I do not appreciate and enjoy what you accomplish. I admit that I
tend to be preoccupied with your sibling and the condition. Let us schedule special times
together alone so that we don't lose track of one another. This will insure that you don't
continue to feel ignored by me.
6.3. You never have any time for me anymore. You spend all your time
with our target family member with the condition going to doctors, therapists, and
hospitals.
You are right. I do not spend as much time with you as you deserve.
But because of the nature of the condition I find myself stretched out time wise. Let us
make a scheduled date each week for at least one hour to spend alone together so that we
can catch up. I realize that it is not a great deal of time, but at least we can take this
hour to maintain our relationship and stay in touch with one another. You might be feeling
like I do that we are becoming strangers in our own house. I don't want to lose my
perspective and realize years from now that I don't even know you. So let's make a
commitment to spend at least this one hour each week as "our time" alone.
6.4. You always tell me there isn't any money to do things and yet
our target family member gets all these new things all the time.
You are right. Our target family member gets new therapeutic or
medical equipment which is necessary to address the condition. Yes, we spend a lot of
resources on getting tutors, therapists, caretakers and attendents for our family member.
We are being drained financially by all of these necessary expenses to keep our family
member rehabilitated. You have a right to be grieving the loss of our family resources on
therapeutic materials. I grieve the loss too. You have the right to feel angry and
resentful that we are not able to afford the fun things you crave. I want you to feel free
to express these feelings so that you will be able to accept that we are not able to
escape this reality by wishing it away. As long as our target family member is living with
this condition, our resources will be greatly impacted.
6.5. People always tell me that I should be thankful that I don't
have the condition which our family member has and yet I am jealous because of all the
special attention given the condition.
You are a wonderful person and you deserve all the healthy attention
which you can get for being just the way you are. I appreciate that you are jealous of the
attention, time, and resources given to the condition of our target family member. I don't
think, however, if our family members had a choice, he would chose to have the condition
since having the condition is not fun or rewarding. If given a choice I do believe our
target family members with this condition would chose to change places with you. It is
clear from your comment that you are feeling neglected and ignored and we need to come up
with a solution to insure that you get quality time and attention from us.
6.6. I feel so guilty because I wish my sibling with the condition
had never been born. Our life would have been so much better and less complicated if this
were so.
You have a right to feel that way. You are hurting and angry because
of all of the negative impact your sibling's condition has had on our family. You are
suffering from the losses which come with this condition in a family. You need to feel
free to continue to release and express these feelings and not keep them bottled up inside
of you. There is no reason to feel guilty. Our life would have been easier if your sibling
had not had this condition. However we cannot control or change the reality that this
condition exists. We all need to accept that our lives have and will continue to be
affected by it. We don't have to like this reality but we must face it honestly and
directly so that we can make the adjustments and accommodations necessary. We must be sure
however that your needs are not being ignored or disregarded. Please be open and honest
with us when you are feeling ignored, overlooked or disregarded. Please let us know when
you need special time with us so that you can grow up to be as healthy as possible
considering these circumstances.
6.7. Why am I the one in the family with this condition? What did I
do to deserve this horrible thing?
You are a wonderful person and you did nothing to deserve getting
this condition. There are circumstances which we cannot control or change and this
condition is one of them. You are being given all of what is necessary to address and
rehabilitate yourself from this condition. We want you to achieve as optimal life as
possible considering the impact of the condition on you. We want you to reach your highest
potential as possible in school, work and in the community. We do not want to make you
feel disabled and incapable of being self-sufficient or self-confident. Our goal with you
is to assist you to get the appropriate services so that you can grow up to be as
independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient as possible. We, your family members, are
willing to assist you to become as successful as possible. We are going to make sacrifices
to see that you get the services you need. We only expect that you will apply yourself as
much and as conscientiously as you can to benefit from the services we gain for you.
6.8. It just doesn't seem fair that all of us have to suffer just
because one member of our family has this condition.
It doesn't seem fair and it isn't. We have to suffer the losses of
resources, time spent, and finances because of this condition and we all pay the price. It
is important that we be honest with one another about how we feel about this and deal with
our feelings openly and frankly. It isn't fair, but on the other hand, it is not in our
power to control or change it either. We need to grieve the losses involved and then we
need to accept it the way it is rather than to continue to bemoan the way it is for the
rest of our lives. It is also important that we do not punish our family member because of
the sacrifices we have been forced to make. We need to always be careful that what we are
angry at is the condition and its aftermath and not the person who has the condition. It
is not the person's fault or responsibility for getting the condition.
6.9. I work hard and succeed in school, at sports and other
activities, yet I never feel like you both care about or are happy with my success. It is
almost like you both take it for granted. But, if my target family member with a condition
were to achieve something like I have, you both would certainly make a big deal about it.
I hate you both for being this way.
You have a right to feel bad because we have apparently ignored all
your hard work and the success which it has brought you. We never intended to give you the
impression that we wanted to ignore you. You have a right to your feelings and our regret
is that you did not speak up sooner about how ignored you felt. Yes, we are overly
preoccupied with our family member's condition and it is not right that we ignored you in
the process. We failed you by not teaching you to be more assertive with your needs with
us. When you felt yourself being ignored, your rights were being violated. No one deserves
to be forgotten or taken for granted just because there is someone in the family who has a
condition which so preoccupies everyone's attention. You needed to be given permission
earlier on to stop us to get our attention. This would have helped us not lose our
perspective that there were more people in the family besides the person with the
condition. Yes, we made a big mistake by making the condition, and the person with it, the
major focus of our lives. We were probably over compensating for our guilt for the target
person having the condition in the first place. We were caught up with the misguided
belief that the more attention, resources, effort, energy, and money we addressed to the
condition, the less impact the condition would have on the person. This was irrational and
unhealthy, and in the long run, you suffered from it. We are sorry this happened. It is
our hope that it is not too late for you to forgive us and to try to resurrect a
relationship with us.
6.10. I am embarrassed by all that I achieve in school, sports, and
other activities because our target family member will never be able to do the same.
You have a right to be proud of all of your successes. We are very
proud of you and all that you have accomplished in life. Your life will be a different
life from what our target family member will live. That does not take away from how well
you have and will hopefully continue to do. Each person is an unique individual and each
achieves success in individual ways. You never need to feel guilty about what you can do
or achieve. You never need to feel that no matter what you do it will never be good enough
because your family member can't do the same. You have your own life to live. It is our
hope that we have not given you the wrong message that you must over compensate in your
life and accomplish a lot in order to make up for what your family member cannot
accomplish. We love you just the way you are. We accept you just for who you are. We both
recognize that you are very talented and we enjoy seeing you be so successful. It is our
hope that you will continue to enjoy your successes and be more free in openly sharing
them in our household. We want to give you the recognition and attention you deserve for
doing so well. Please do not hold back sharing your good news in fear that it will make
our target family member feel bad because such success would be impossible to achieve in
his or her own life.
7.0 Coping with disasters or failures
Pathfinders recognize that children have a difficult time grieving
losses which are the result of disasters or failure. The disasters can come from natural
sources such as floods, tornados, hurricanes, etc. The disasters can be accidental such as
loss of homes in fire, robbery of homes by break-in, auto accidents, etc. Failures can be
family related such as bankruptcy, home foreclosure, auto repossessed, parent's loss of
job, etc. Failures can be personal such as failing a class, not being selected for a
competitive sports team, loss of a scholarship, ending of a disastrous relationship, etc.
Pathfinders treat all disasters or failures as losses over which
their children have a right to grieve. They allow their children to openly talk about the
event. They encourage open ventilation of emotions over the events. They do not try to
hinder exploration of the emotional response to the event. These parents give their
children latitude of expression to fully deal with the losses involved so that they can
come to a healthy acceptance of the realities involved. They encourage their children to
accept reality the way it is rather than resort to fantasy as to how they would like it to
be.
When the disasters or failures involve the whole family, Pathfinders
role model healthy grief responses. They also role model healthy coping with the realities
resulting from these disasters or failures. These parents demonstrate for their children,
the concept of letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables. They teach their
children that serenity comes from handing what they can't control over to their Higher
Power. They emphasize that serenity comes from not burdening themselves with second
guessing, ruminating, or catastrophizing over what happened. These parents maintain a
peaceful calm and comfort by handing over to their Higher Power the magnitude of the
losses involved.
What follows are some sample issues which Pathfinders deal with in
assisting their children cope with disasters and failures in life.
7.1. Why did this have to happen now?
There never is a right time for a disaster or failure to occur. All
we can do is to accept that this is what is at the moment. What we need to do is to accept
that this is our reality right now so that we can take the necessary steps to work our way
out of this mess.
7.2. Will we ever be the same as we were before this happened?
We might not be exactly as we were before this disaster or failure
occurred, but we will do the best we can to come through this as a family stronger and
more wiser as a result of this. Although at times it will seem like we fell down a deep
dark hole with no way out, we will survive this and look back on this someday as a turning
point in our lives which made us stronger people.
7.3. Why did this have to happen to our family? What did we do to
deserve this?
There is never a full explanation why these disasters or failures
occur. There is no reason why we deserve this since no one deserves to have this happen to
them. The fact is it happened and we are the recipients. We must go on from here accepting
that it has happened. We must put our lives back together now that it has occurred.
7.4. Why did God allow this to happen to us?
We will never fully comprehend why God has allowed this to happen to
us. We can only know that He allowed it to happen and we must go from here now that it is
done. There is nothing we could have done differently to prevent this from happening. We
have a right to be angry and upset at God for this happening. But we can hand over to God
the fact that it did and that we can't do anything to change that it happened. There is no
need to waste our energy and resources worrying about why He allowed this to happened to
us. We can gain serenity by handing that question back to God so that we can get on with
piecing our lives back together again.
7.5. What is wrong with me that this happened to me?
You are ok just the way you are. There are no clear reasons why this
failure has occurred at this time in your life. It is not because you are a bad person,
but rather because you are in need of some special help that this failure will now make
possible for you to receive. You need to forgive yourself for this failure. You need to
recognize that it is an opportunity for you to grow stronger and more organized. This will
help you as you grow older to be able to face the challenges ahead with greater
self-confidence and self-reliance.
7.6. Why does this failure have to hurt so much?
Failures are loss events which require a lot of grieving over. It
hurts, It is painful to face losses. You will need to allow your negative feelings to be
expressed. You need to work through these painful sensations so as gain peace, calmness
and serenity which comes from fully accepting the losses involved. If it didn't hurt so
much then it would not have been as important to you as it was. You will survive this loss
event in your life. But to get to acceptance will require a lot of tears, anger,
resentment, despair, discouragement, pain, and hurt. This is a normal response and you
don't need to worry if there is something wrong with you because it hurts so much.
7.7. How will I ever be able to face my friends and the family with
this failure in my life?
How other feel about you is not as important as how you feel about
yourself. You need to first forgive yourself for this failure. You need to accept yourself
as a good person even though this failure has occurred. You need to unconditionally accept
and love yourself for who you are rather than for what you accomplish or achieve in life.
Your value and goodness in life is not determined by the things you accomplish, but rather
on who you are as person. This failure is a challenge to you to become the best person you
can become based on your values, talents, competencies, skills, and abilities. You need to
measure yourself by who you are in reality rather than who you want to be based on your
dreams, fantasies, or ideals. If you cannot accept yourself for who you are, it will be
difficult for you to believe that others can accept you in this same way.
7.8. My life is ruined as a result of this failure.
Your life is not dependent on this particular event being
successful. Your life is an accumulation of events and how you accept their impacts on
your life. You need to accept the consequences of your own actions be they positive or
negative. There is no need to beat yourself up because of this failure. You are allowing
yourself to catastrophize by believing your whole life is ruined by this single failure
event. Your pessimism is a sign of how angry you are with yourself for this happening to
you. You need to let go of your self-anger, self-hatred, and self-loathing. You need to
let go of the shame and guilt you feel over this failure. You need to forgive yourself and
get on with your life. You need to give yourself permission to be a human being who is
subject to making mistakes and experiencing failure.
7.9. Why can't I be like the other kids who find it easy to be
successful in everything they try?
You are an unique individual who is different from others. You need
to accept yourself for who you are rather than who you would like yourself to be. You
cannot remove yourself to make yourself into a person who you are not. You are who you are
and I accept you just the way you are. It is my hope that you would accept yourself just
the way you are and not regret that you are not like others who you are jealous of. What
is important in life is not what you achieve or accomplish but rather how you live your
life and how you treat others and yourself. Unless you love yourself unconditionally you
will never be able to accept the love others send your way. So relax and enjoy yourself,
live life the way it is, and let go of the need to have it the way you wish it were.
7.10. No matter what I do I never feel that it is "good
enough" to please you or others in my life. The fact that I just experienced this
failure is proof that I am not a "good enough" person. I am now convinced that I
am a failure in life.
We are sorry that you believed that no matter what you did you were
never good enough in our eyes. We always tried to unconditionally accept and love you with
no strings attached to what you did or accomplished. It is clear you never got this
message the way we meant to send it. For this we are sorry. But please believe us that we
do love you. We believe that you are a "good enough" person just by being you.
Your value and worth is not dependent on what you accomplish or achieve. Please work on
unconditionally accepting yourself so that you can grow in self love and accept your self
as "good enough." You are only a failure in life if you set standards for
yourself so high that they are never attainable. You need to accept yourself for who you
are rather than for who you would like yourself to be. Be realistic as to who you are so
that you give yourself a chance to achieve things which are realistically in your reach.
Please let go of your need for other's approval and work on your self-approval as the only
approval you need in life. It will do you no good however to do this if you remain a hard
task master who only accepts perfection from you. If you let go of your perfectionism you
will be a happier person who feels "good enough" just the way you are.
Assisting children to cope and grieve the losses in their lives
requires a great deal of personal health on the part of Pathfinder parents. Parents cannot
help their children grieve the losses in their lives if they cannot grieve their own
losses. Pathfinders work on their own loss issues before they attempt to assist their
children deal with theirs. How these loss issues are resolved will have life long
implications on children. These loss events are elements which can make families
dysfunctionally and can negatively impact the self-esteem of the family members. Completed
grieving and full acceptance of the loss events assists family members to grow in
self-esteem and personal responsibility taking. Pathfinder parenting is achieved in
helping children face their loses honestly, openly and confidently.
The Pathfinder's Parenting of Loss Quiz
Directions: Read each question and then fill in
your response. The answer key in at the end of this Section
1. Name the five stages of grief in handling loss events:
2. What emotion is the most powerful of all the grief emotions which
children need to express in order to accept their loss issue?
3. What behaviors do children need most from their parents as they
deal with the loss events in their lives:
4. What characteristic do parents need to develop in themselves so
as not to take personally the words and emotions expressed by their children as they
grieve the loss events of their lives?
5. What type of communication do children need from their parents in
order to fully grieve the loss events in their lives?
6. What keeps parents from being effective helpers for their
children in dealing with the loss events in their lives?
7. What types of disasters cause loss events for children?
8. What types of failures cause loss events for children?
9. What do children need to let go of in order to fully grieve and
accept the losses in their lives?
10. What do children and their parents need to rely on so that they
can let go of the losses in their lives?
Directions: In your personal journal answer the
following questions.
1. What other loss events have your children experienced which you
think could have been included in this Section?
2. How comfortable would you feel in saying the parental responses
offered in this Section? What would inhibit you from saying these scripts?
3. How realistic do you feel the material in this section was for
you and your family? What would have been more realistic for your circumstances?
4. How comfortable are you in dealing with the loss events in your
own life? What type of role model do you make for your children in handling your own
losses?
5. How effectively do you deal with the anger you feel in your life?
How well do you role model healthy dealing with anger for your children.
6. How much do you rely on denial to deal with losses in your life?
How delusional is your family life with your children? How honestly and openly do you deal
with the problem issues facing your children?
7. What is the biggest obstacle to your children openly confronting
the loss issues in their lives? What can be done about this?
8. How does being a Pathfinder Parent enable you to assist your
children to confront life like it is rather than how they would like it to be? How does
this relate to the loss issues they face in their lives?
9. What role does a Higher Power have in your life? How does
believing in a Higher Power assist you to deal with the losses you face in life?
10. In scoring your answers on the Pathfinder's Parenting Losses
Quiz what did you find out about the way you deal with the losses facing your children?
How could you improve and what would you need to change?
Answer Key to Pathfinder's Parenting of Losses Quiz
1.
- a. Denial
- b. Bargaining
- c. Anger
- d. Despair
- e. Acceptance
2. Anger
3.
- a. Unconditional acceptance
- b. Empathy
- c. Understanding
4. Objectivity
5.
- a. Openness
- b. Honesty
- c. Emotions or Feelings oriented
6.
- a. Incomplete grieving and acceptance of their own losses
- b. Poor role modeling of handling of loss events in their own lives
- c. Lack of objectivity and taking children's painful comments
personally
- d. Judgmental and critical comments to children about how what they
are saying as they grieve their loses
7.
- a. Natural disasters
- b. Accidental disasters
8.
- a. Personal failures
- b. Family failures
9.
- a. The need to control things they cannot control
- b. The need to change things they cannot change
- c. The dreams or fantasies about how life should be
- d. Over-responsibility for causing the loss event to occur
- e. Shame and guilt for the loss event
10. Their Higher Power
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