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Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section 5

Parenting Pathfinders Track Structures for Children

1.4.0. Sleeping needs

 

1.4.1. Getting to sleep on own

Pathfinders set appropriate bedtimes according to the developmental and physiological needs of children. They do not set them either too early when children are not tired, or too late, or when they are too tired. Once it is determined that the time set is appropriate and healthy the natural consequence of not going to bed on time is provided the children to recognize that if they do not get to sleep on time they will be tired the next day. When children refuse to go to sleep at night at the appropriate bed time they are either not tired enough because of napping during the day or they are in a power struggle with their parents. If the children are still being provided naps, the length of time of naps is shortened or discontinued. If there are no problem with naps then the children are placed in bed after a very short pre-bed ritual of book being read and a kiss given. They are then instructed that the parents will no longer talk with them nor return to the room. The children are then left to settle themselves down and to comfort themselves to sleep. The parents do not respond to crying or yelling which persists. It takes only up to 3 days for this unacceptable behavior to be extinguished in most cases. If the children are old enough to climb out of bed and come to the parents, they are silently led back to the bed with no harsh treatment and then put back in bed. This is consistently followed through until the children stay in bed all night. This behavior also can be extinguished in a very short period of time as long as follow through and consistency is provided. Pathfinders recognize that as long as they are safe in bed that children need to develop a way to comfort themselves so as to fall asleep. These parents recognize that they are not responsible to comfort their children so that sleep is possible. If a parent gets caught up in this trap the children lose perspective of what is necessary to go to sleep and take control of the night time activity in the home.

Natural consequences:

  • If you do not get enough sleep at night, then you will be tired the next day.
  • If you do not learn to comfort yourself to fall asleep on your own, then you will not get enough sleep and will be tired the next day.
  • If you do not stay in bed and go to sleep, then you will not get enough sleep and you will be tired the next day.
  • If you continue to bother the other people in your bedroom, then they won't be able to sleep, since bedrooms are for sleeping.

Logical consequences:

  • If you call for us once you are settled in bed, we will not come to your room. We will not talk to you for the rest of the night so that you can settle yourself down and go to sleep.
  • If you get out of your bed and come to our room, then we will not talk with you and won't allow you to sleep in our bed. We will walk you back to your own room and put you into bed without speaking to you. We will continue to do this until you settle down in your bed and fall asleep.

 

1.4.2. Bedtime rituals

Pathfinders recognize that they do not have to spend a great deal of time nor energy to ready their children for bed. These parents set up a standardized ritual of reading a book or telling a story which does not last more than 10 minutes and then say evening prayers and kiss good night. If the children demand longer times with their parents, then they are encouraged to make themselves calm and settled down to fall asleep on their own. Making them experience the logical consequence of their parents not talking with them after the ritual is completed teaches children that only they are responsible for getting themselves to sleep.

Natural consequences:

  • If you do not calm yourself down to sleep on your own, then you will not have a full night of sleep and you will be tired the next day.
  • If you spend too much time trying to settle yourself down to fall asleep, then you will be tired the next day when wake up time comes.

Logical consequences:

  • If you do not settle down to fall asleep after our ten minute ritual, then I will be leaving your bedroom and will not speak to you for the rest of the night. You will have to settle yourself to fall asleep on your own.
  • If you do not settle yourself down to sleep on your own, then you will be tired tomorrow. If you are tired we will be forced to move your bedtime up one half hour tomorrow.

 

1.4.3. Wake up time

Pathfinders assist their children to wake themselves up as soon as they learn how to tell time and can set an alarm clock of clock radio. These parents do not engage in the morning rites of pleading, begging or nagging children to rise. They instead make their children experience the natural consequence of being late for breakfast, bus, school, or other activities scheduled in the morning.

Natural consequences:

  • If you do not get up on your own, then you will be late for breakfast; the school bus; school; or other activities we have scheduled in the morning.
  • If you do not wake yourself up on your own, then you will miss out on the activities of the next day.

Logical consequences:

  • If you do not wake up on time in the morning, then you will miss breakfast and go hungry until the next meal or you will be forced to get dressed in a rush in order to get to school on time.
  • If you do not wake yourself up on your own in the morning, then we will be forced to wake you up. We will wait long enough so that all you will have time for is to gather your change of clothes and get dressed on your way out of the house, either on the school bus or in the family car as it leaves for school or some other destination planned.

 

1.4.4. Amount of sleep needed

Pathfinders encourage their children to get adequate sleep necessary for their health and growth. They set bed times and wake up times based on the necessary sleep needed. They expect their children to settle themselves down to sleep on their own. The children are expected to calm and comfort themselves to fall asleep. They allow their children whatever is needed to get a full night of sleep. They leave lights on, soft music playing and teddy bears and blankets in bed. Adequate sleep for a healthy life-style is reinforced in Pathfinders' families.

Natural consequences:

  • If you do not get the correct amount of sleep which your body requires at night, then you will be tired the next day.
  • If you are not able to calm yourself down adequately so that you can fall asleep at a reasonable time, then you will not feel rested enough in the morning to get up at the scheduled waking time.

Logical consequences:

  • If you are tired during the day, then we will move the bedtime up at least one half hour that day.
  • If you are not able to get yourself up on your own the next day and feel rested

and alert, then we will move the bedtime hour up at least one half hour that day.

 

1.4.5. Family bed

Pathfinders do not institute the concept of a family bed in their homes. Their children are not allowed to use their parents' bed to fall asleep or sleep the entire night through. These parents reinforce their children staying in their own beds to sleep the night through. These parents enforce their physical boundary of a private marital bed with their families. These children are encouraged to experience the natural consequence of settling themselves in their own beds. The children develop a sense of their calming and sedating themselves on their own. This independence of action hopefully carries over to other self-care needs.

Natural consequences:

  • If you are not able to quiet and calm yourself in your own bed so that you can fall asleep, then you will not get enough sleep you need and be tired the next day.
  • If you become used to falling asleep in someone else's bed, then you will find it hard to fall asleep in your own bed.

Logical consequences:

  • If you come to our bed to fall asleep, then we will quietly without talking carry you to your own bed where you will be expected to fall asleep on your own. We will do this as long as it takes for you to settle down in your own bed.
  • If you come to our bed, then you will be directed to get off of it since it is our private space. We do not wish to share it with anyone else.

 

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