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| |  Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section
3
Parenting Pathfinders Principles
Developmental Principles
Content:
1. Have fun with
children
Allow your healthy inner child to interact with your children. Pathfinders take care of
their own inner children with activities similar to those which are fully explored in Growing
Down - Tools for Healing the Inner Child.
Pathfinders play with their children. This helps children learn how to have fun in games
and other child-like activities. Pathfinders are alert to when children lose the point of
having fun in a game or activity. They stop the activity when it ceases to be fun.
Pathfinders encourage their children to have fun in sports activities and de-emphasize the
importance of competition and winning which can become the unhealthy goal in children's
games and athletics. By having fun and enjoyment in their interaction with their
children's activities, Pathfinders role model the appropriate place for fun, relaxation,
and leisure activities in life. Pathfinders encourage their children to learn activities
which encourage healthy exercise and physical outlet which they can enjoy over their
entire life span. Parent's role model through their own healthy lifestyles the appropriate
use of free time to "re-create" themselves. Learning to laugh and develop a good
sense of humor about themselves and life is an essential self-esteem tool which
Pathfinders share with their children.
2. Stimulate creativity
You need to provide opportunities and outlets for your children to develop their
creativity, imagination and freedom of expression in problem solving. Pathfinders
encourage their children to develop extensive repertoires of approaches, solutions, and
resolutions to problems, challenges and crises in life. This eliminates stereotypical
problem solving and black and white thinking. Children are taught from an early age on to
brainstorm all ideas, solutions and creations in which they are involved. They are allowed
the freedom to be exhaustive in this brainstorming and are not limited by "yes,
but" responses by parents and other adults with whom they are engaged in this
process. No alternatives presented are questioned immediately. Instead the goal is for a
large number of ideas, solutions and alternatives to be generated before going on to the
next step. They then proceed to analyze the items on the list to eliminate the
"impossible to achieve" ones. Once they have a workable list they then put them
into priority according to what is realistically possible given their talents, skills,
abilities, resources, and time available. Single solutions for problems with no prior
creative thinking are not encouraged. Simple answers which require little thought,
imagination or freedom of expression are equally discouraged. Creative responses utilizing
the whole range of thinking, feeling, energy, talents and abilities of children are not
only encouraged but also reinforced. Children who have been encouraged to be creative
problem solvers and creators optimally utilize their intellectual and cognitive potential.
3. Let children be children
You need to allow your children to be children and not little adults who need
to take care of their dysfunctional parents. Pathfinders work hard on promoting their personal
growth and self-esteeming efforts by actively seeking support from networks of support
either in their natural environment such as friends, relatives and work colleagues or in
simulated support systems such as 12 Step programs or parenting support groups. A good
example of an appropriate Pathfinders support program is the 12 Step program described in Self-Esteem
Seekers Anonymous - The SEA'S Program Manual.
Pathfinders work hard at not being the Troubled Person in the family, who need to be
rescued and cared for by the children. Pathfinders are aware of the damaging personality
styles which emerge in dysfunctional families as outlined in Laying the Foundation. They make every effort to insure that the home
environment is not dysfunctional. Pathfinders establish clearly that parents are
responsible for the health of the family. Pathfinders remind their children that they are
children and as such they need to accept the guidance and direction of their parents.
Pathfinders seek out help for themselves when they have relapsed into the old unhealthy
behavioral consequences of low self-esteem so that they do not lay a burden on their
children to take care of them. Pathfinders seek to end the transgenerational transmission
of dysfunctional living which they received in their families of origin. They seek out a
better understanding of what is normal and healthy and let go of the irrational and
unrealistic beliefs which they learned in their earlier state of lowered self-esteem.
4. Encourage healthy sexuality
You need to encourage you children to develop a healthy sexuality for themselves.
Pathfinders recognize that the sexual development of children begins with their birth.
They provide their children with healthy sex education over their entire childhood,
adolescence, and young adulthood. They utilize the physiologically correct terminology for
all body parts and functions from the time their children are newborns. They practice
appropriate nudity, modesty, and sexual functioning around their children. They make an
effort to avoid any embarrassing sexually based behaviors with their children to avoid not
only physical sexual abuse, but also covert sexual abuse. These parents believe that
children need a family based sex education which is then supplemented in the school,
church and other children centered activities such as scouting, clubs and youth programs.
They recognize that sexuality is more than pure physical sexual functioning. These parents
teach their children to feel good about their sexual characteristics and functioning.
Pathfinders role model by their appropriate behaviors that sexuality is a way of being
which enhances self-esteem and personal functioning. These parents teach their children
about safe sex practices, responsible sexual interactions, birth control, and the use of
common sense in relating to members of the opposite sex. They teach their children about
all forms of sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS. Pathfinders point out that
celibacy, no pre-marital sex, and chastity are preferred forms of sexual interaction for
single teenagers and young adults. However they leave the choice in these matters up to
their children after first pointing out the natural and logical consequences for choosing
to engage in sex in an irresponsible way. These parents also openly discuss with their
children accurate information about alternative sexual orientation. They also point out
the natural and societal logical consequences of choosing this lifestyle. Pathfinders
allow their children to choose their own sexual orientation with no fear of loss of love
from the parents. Parents encourage their children's sexuality knowing, that in so doing,
they are preparing them for an important component in their self-esteem, personal
responsibility taking and self-confidence.
5. Avoid sexual stereotyping
You need to avoid treating your children with characteristic sexual stereotypes.
Pathfinders work at treating their sons and daughters in an egalitarian fashion. They try
not to single out one sex or the other for specific training, reinforcement or support.
They treat both sexes as equal and try to avoid saying disparaging remarks about the
benefits of being one sex or the other. Respect for the human body and its function is
taught with an eye towards instructing each sex about the anatomy of the other. Mothers
and fathers reflect in their role modeling an equality and partnership in the family
leadership. The parents seek to exemplify successful cooperation and harmony between the
sexes. No partner is seen as dominating over the other due to sexual type. Boys and girls
are both encouraged to be open to their feelings and to freely express them no matter how
emotional they might appear to others. Girls and boys are both taught to work hard in
order to be successful. They are both encouraged to realize that world can be competitive.
They are made to realize the need to be as fully trained, educated, and prepared to meet
the demands of life. Daughters and sons are encouraged to become leaders in what they
endeavor. Toys are not differentiated by sex. Girls are encouraged to play with trucks,
trains and tool boxes. Boys are given dolls, play houses, and cooking tools to play with.
Sons are encouraged to pursue their own career choices even if it is in a field which was
historically thought to be feminine such as: dancer, nurse, florist, teacher, nanny,
dental hygienist, etc. Daughters are encouraged to pursue their own career choices which
in the past might have been perceived more masculine like: big machine operator, engineer,
architect, construction worker, truck driver etc. Respect for the opposite sex is
engendered in Pathfinder led families where the sexes are perceived and treated as equal.
6. Stimulate leadership potential
You need to encourage your children to experience the feelings of being leaders of
their own lives with a sense of self-direction, self-determination, and self-deserving.
Pathfinders encourage their children to altruistic and willing to share their talents,
skills, and resources with others less fortunate. Pathfinders hold weekly or regularly
scheduled family meetings with their children to review the health and functioning of the
family system. To enable their children to experience the leadership responsibility they
are given turns along with their parents to conduct and lead the meetings. Parents
encourage their children to come up with their own goals, objectives, and procedures to
achieve desired outcomes in their lives. In the family meetings the children are also
encouraged to focus on the positives in their lives. Their strengths, achievements, and
success are given attention in the meetings. Minutes of the meetings are kept so that the
children can have a written record to remind themselves of what was accomplished and
decided. Pathfinders encourage their children to make an honest assessment of their
capabilities, competencies, and talents. With a clarity of who they are and what they are
capable of achieving the children are encouraged to pursue activities which will
accentuate, complement, and highlight them. Pathfinders conduct a homelife which is the
boot camp for leaders in life. These children learn how to lead themselves, family, peers,
friends, classmates, team-mates, and work colleagues. They are instilled with an
altruistic sense of responsibility to serve others while insuring they do not sacrifice
their own physical or mental health in the process. They are taught that leadership is not
taking control by becoming a fixer, rescuer, caretaker, or enabler.
7. Live a healthy lifestyle
You need to teach your children how to live a healthy lifestyle by living it in your
daily life. Pathfinders live a lifestyle according to the outline given in the
SEA'S Tools for a Lifestyle of
Recovery. This lifestyle includes: (1) Control over all compulsive and addictive
behaviors (alcohol, drugs, smoking, eating, gambling, sex, shopping, use of money,
relationships, work, etc.) to insure that personal self-esteem is protected. (2) Good time
management to insure that all needed aspects of healthy living can be fit into the weekly
schedule. (3) Getting adequate rest and sleep to prevent lethargy, restlessness, and low
energy. (4) Eating a balanced diet which is based on guidelines of the American Heart
Association's diet to insure adequate weight management. (5) Daily aerobic exercise of 20
to 30 minutes a day to insure energy to accomplish this lifestyle regiment. (6)
Maintaining physical health by following the direction of a family physician to insure
wellness. (7) Healthy structuring of home, work, and community involvement to insure that
health of mind and body are protected. (8) Maintaining a healthy and vibrant social
support system of friends, relatives and support buddies to assist lifestyle pursuit. (9)
Stress management and relaxation activities to reduce anxiety, tension, and fatigue of
life's pressures. (10) Engaging in adequate recreational and leisure activities to insure
"re-creating" the mind, soul, and body to continue the pursuit of all that is
required to maintain personal and family health. Children learn best what is a healthy
lifestyle by how their parents live their lives. The message of a healthy lifestyle gets
lost on children whose parents ignore implementing these guidelines in their own lives. A
Pathfinder's home is a breeding ground for fitness and wellness.
8. Promote spirituality
You need to promote a spirituality in your children to insure that they have an
awareness of a Higher Power in their lives to whom they can turn over their burdens which
are out of personal control to change or fix. Pathfinders recognize that there is a
difference between organized religion and spirituality. The spirituality encouraged by the
SEA'S Program is that of the 12 Steps which were adapted from those of Alcoholics
Anonymous. This spirituality is more detailed in the The SEA'S
Twelve Steps Tools. Pathfinders clarify their values about what is important in
their lives. They choose the emotionally based values of relationships with self, others,
and a Higher Power as more important than relationship with things, money, and material
possession. Pathfinders show their children by example the need for a relationship with
their Higher Power. They explain that humans can only control and change their own lives.
The rest of the people, places, things, and conditions in life which bring them down or
burden their capabilities to endure are best handed over to the keeping of their Higher
Power. Children are encouraged to recognize that it is unhealthy to hold onto burdens
which can impair their mental health. They are taught that it is healthy to ask for help
of their Higher Power and to hand over problems out of their range of personal control and
responsibility so as to gain serenity in their lives. This spirituality of serenity is
explored further in Tools for Personal Growth:
Handling Pride and Spirituality.
The place
of our Higher Power in our life is further detailed in Tools for Handling Control
Issues: Accepting Powerlessness
and Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and
Unchangeables and Developing
Detachment. Children of
Pathfinders grow up with a healthy respect, understanding, and appreciation of a Higher
Power in their lives.
9. Encourage a world view
You need to open the eyes of your children to the realities of the world around them so
as to encourage a world view in their awareness of life. This prevents them from
developing a restrictive and parochial view of life which is limited to their families,
neighborhood, and school. Pathfinders encourage their children to read newspapers and
magazines which detail the news of the world, nation, state, and community. They also
encourage their children to watch television and listen to radio news shows. They engage
their children in conversations about the news which they are reading, seeing, and
hearing. They listen to their children's questions about what is the meaning and
importance of these news events. They also engage their children in further exploration
about the history and traditions of different cultures, societies, and nationalities. They
bring their children to museums, libraries, and events which expand their awareness of the
world and its problems. Pathfinders encourage their children to have a reality based
understanding of poverty, discrimination, war, civil unrest, crime, economics, social
problems, and other concerns in the world. Pathfinders raise children who appreciate the
meaning of world peace and a secure future. Children raised by such parents are ready to
face the challenges of life in the real world in a more realistic way.
10. Encourage career mindedness
You need to encourage your children to be aware of the world of work so that they can
develop career mindedness which intrinsically motivates them to do their best in school,
academic and formal training activities. Pathfinders make it a point to involve their
children in their work. They bring their children to their place of employment so that
they can see what the parents do when they are away from home at work. They send their
children notes or letters from work while on the job to let the children know that they
are thinking about them during the work day. They mail these letters through the mail from
the work place to let the children know that the parents priority is balanced between work
and family. These parents engage their children in discussions about their own careers
covering: why they chose them; what are the benefits and drawbacks; what training and
education is needed; what the current job market is for their careers and what went into
their decisions to accept their current job placement. The children are encouraged to
role-play and engage in imagination play about the world of work. Pathfinders work with
their children's schools to insure that they also encourage career mindedness in children.
Allowing children to choose their own career paths and to freely explore all alternatives
for themselves, helps them to develop a sense of personal mastery over their own lives. It
also develops a goal for them which becomes an intrinsic motivator to become a productive
person in adult life. Children raised by Pathfinders do not need to be constantly hounded
by their parents to work hard in school if they want to be successful in life. They are
self-directed and driven to achieve the best they can in order to meet the entry
requirements of the careers which they picture themselves.
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