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| |  Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section
3
Parenting Pathfinders Principles
Child Oriented Principles
Content:
1. Encourage uniqueness and individuality
You need to allow the personalities of children to blossom in their uniqueness and
individuality with no constraints or demands that they conform to the "fantasy"
or "dream" which still lingers in your mind. Parents need to avoid accepting
only on the intellectual level, that they need to accept their children unconditionally.
This could lead to their deluding themselves that they are doing so even when they are
still emotionally hanging on to their personal expectations for their children's outcomes.
Pathfinders clarify their emotional reaction to their children. They get out their anger,
resentment, disappointment, dismay, and disillusionment over who their children are in
reality. Pathfinders get out their anger in healthy ways which are fully explored in the Tools
for Anger Workout. It is only after they have
accepted that they will have continuing bouts of anger over their children's emerging
reality, will Pathfinders be able to allow them (their children) the freedom to be
themselves. Parents need to establish that it is ok for each child in the family to be
different and unique from the other family members. This helps children to believe that
they are not "less than" if they do not match or equal the talents, skills and
abilities of the others.
2. Encourage children's sense of autonomy
You need to allow your children to strive for autonomy when they are at that
developmental stage in which this movement is natural. Pathfinders are not threatened when
their children begin to show signs of pulling away from their dependency on parents. This
occurs early on when children reach the "terrible two" stage and then again in
the pre-adolescent to latter adolescent period. Eventually as they grow into young adults
they will seek to leave home to set out into the world on their own. Parents need to
insure that their children have a sense of personal mastery, self-reliance,
self-sufficiency, and self-confidence to handle the challenges of independent living. The
training ground for independence is at each stage of the breaking away to be autonomous
and self-directed. Children have an innate ability to self-regulate, self-correct, and
self-direct. Pathfinders facilitate their developing of these skills throughout their
childhood and adolescence. Pathfinders do not hold on too tightly to their children. They
recognize that they must allow their children to make their own choices and decisions.
Pathfinders enjoy watching their children experiment with independence. They are always
available to help the children learn from the mistakes and errors they will make in the
process. Pathfinders do not take it as an attack on their performance as parents when
their children begin to push for autonomy. Rather they seize the opportunity to encourage
their children to learn how to take increasing personal responsibility for their own
lives.
3. Avoid entitlement
You need to insure that you do not provide your children with a sense of entitlement.
Entitlement is an irrational belief of children. They believe that they do not have to do
anything for themselves or others because of their place in the family. They believe that
they are to be taken care of, pampered, and spoiled by their parents and other family
members. Entitlement belief results in these children rarely taking personal
responsibility for their own lives as adults because of their "learned
helplessness" and over-dependency on others. Pathfinders give their children
responsibilities, chores, and jobs in the family which they must complete on their own to
prevent entitlement from developing.
4. Empathize
with children's hard knocks
You need to be available and capable to empathize with and support your children when
they come back to tell you of the distress they experience in real life. They may
experience hurt and pain from teasing, name calling, and kidding from their peer group or
other adults outside of the home. They may experience problematical relationships at
school, work, or in the community. They may experience failures, frustrations, or major
errors of judgment, behavior, and actions. They may experience discrimination due to
being a minority in their real life world. They may run into people who do not accept,
understand, or like them. They may be shocked by the lack of love, warmth, and caring in
the real world. They may find out that there are no easy answers or quick fixes. They may
come face to face with death of a family member, a friend, a neighbor, a classmate, or
some other person known to them. Whatever the hard knock of life, Pathfinders provide
their children with an empathic listening ear and supportive response which leads them to
develop strategies to cope with such harsh realities of life outside the home.
5. Teach feelings are personal choices
You need to teach your children that how they feel is their choice to make. In
encouraging them to express their feelings you need to point out that feelings are chosen
by the people feeling them. You need to inform them that it does no good to blame or
credit others for how they feel especially if they feel negatively. Pathfinders help
children to own their own feelings and not to project these feelings onto others. These
parents assist their children to recognize that to blame, tattletale, and tell on others
is not acceptable. Getting other people into trouble to cover up for their part in
problems, to avoid painful feelings, is not reinforced by Pathfinders. These parents
encourage children to recognize that they must accept negative as well as positive
feelings since all feelings are valid. They are encouraged to recognize that feeling angry
is ok as long as it is expressed in healthy ways. These children are then taught the
healthy anger work out model. These children are encouraged to realize that there are no
right or wrong feelings. They are encouraged not to stuff their feelings. They are
encouraged to recognize that there is a hugh warehouse of feelings to choose from. They
are encouraged to avoid only choosing the black and white feelings. They learn how to
choose among the gray, beige and pastel ones by their parents' example and role model.
6. Give children freedom of choice
You need to give your children the freedom to make choices in their lives not burdened
by guilt, fear of loss of approval, or rejection if their choices do not please you.
Pathfinders help their children to live in a rational reality based life which is free of
guilt, fear of loss of approval, or fear of rejection. These parents are skilled in
positively affirming their children and giving them the message of full unconditional
acceptance for who they are rather than just for what they do. These behaviors are more
fully explored in, Tools for Personal Growth.
Pathfinders do not manipulate or intimidate their children to do what they want them to
do. These parents try not to use unhealthy controlling techniques to assist their children
to grow up emotionally and physically strong. They assist children to accept personal
responsibility for their own choices and behaviors. Pathfinders try not to develop
dependency relationships with their children. They assist their children to recognize the
natural and logical consequences of their actions. These control issues are more fully
explored in Tools for Handling Control Issues. Pathfinders assist their children to become good problem solvers capable of
making decisions in a rational and reality-based way. These children learn from their
parents the importance of handling differences of opinion and conflict with their parents
in healthy ways. They recognize that even if their choices do not please, that they will
still be loved and nurtured by their parents. Love is never withheld to blackmail children
to conform to the will and desires of their parents in a self-esteem enhancing home.
Pathfinders have healthy intimate relationships with their children in which they feel
free to share secrets without the fear of disapproval or rejection. These relationship
issues are more fully discussed in Tools for Relationships (Messina,
J.J., 1992,
Kendall-Hunt).
7. Love unconditionally
You need to show your children that you love them unconditionally for who they are not
for what they do. Pathfinders avoid giving their children the false impression that their
worth and value is dependent on how they perform, act, or achieve. Pathfinders nurture
their children with no regard for what the children have done or how they have behaved.
They do not bargain with their children by only loving them if they perform in a manner
which the parents expect. Pathfinders recognize that every thing they say or do which is
directed towards children has a significant impact on how their self-esteem will develop.
They recognize that their messages to their children become the subconscious scripts which
they listen to about who they are and how much value and worth they have as people.
Pathfinders recognize it is their responsibility to assist their children to recognize
that their innate worth and value is more important than the externals in their lives.
They de-emphasize the importance of things and the content of life and emphasize the value
of feelings, interactions, and relationships as tools which give their children a sense of
worth and value. Pathfinders work at helping their children to develop a sense of
self-confidence and self-pride so that they can becomes self-sufficient and self-reliant
later in life.
8. Adapt for special needs children
You need to make adaptations in your parenting style for children who have special
needs. These include children with developmental disabilities such as intellectual
deficits, hearing impairments, visual impairments, physically handicapping conditions,
epilepsy, autism, specific learning disabilities, attention deficit disorder with
hyperactivity and distractibility, and other genetic or physiologically based conditions
which impair typical development. Another set of children with special needs have
childhood chronic illnesses like asthma, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy,
arthritis, heart, kidney, liver, or other diseases. A third set of special needs are
children who are gifted in intellectual, athletic, musical, or other performance
activities. A fourth set of special needs are children who were injured and possibly
permanently impaired in an accident or manmade or natural disaster. A fifth set of special
needs are children who are survivors of a parent, sibling, or other close family member's
death either from accidental or natural causes. This set also includes children who are
survivors of a close family member's death by suicide. Pathfinders seek out help from
professionals in the areas of their children's special needs in order to learn how to
modify and adapt their parenting strategies to address these needs. They also recognize
that the siblings of special needs children have special needs themselves. These children
need to be given equal attention and support as that given those with special needs. This
insures typical siblings are not neglected or ignored in these families. Having a child
with special needs is a challenge to parents. They need a great deal of support and
assistance in order to learn to cope with and handle the stress this entails. This issue
is explored further in Coping Strategies for Parents of Children with
Special Needs
by James J. Messina on this Website. Pathfinders adapt their
family and home life to address the special needs of their children.
9. Avoid perfectionistic parenting
You need to be gentle with yourself as you begin to experiment and implement the
Pathfinder model of parenting. You also need to recognize that it is difficult to
implement a parenting modality which you have never been exposed to in your own childhood.
To implement the Pathfinder model of parenting you will need to give yourself permission
to make mistakes and take risks. This model is a thinking person's system and it requires
a lot of analyzing, problem solving, alternative seeking, and rational thinking. You will
need to seek out input from others who are currently using this model themselves. There
are real benefits from using this model but it does not come easy. Parents who have for
many years maintained a great deal of control in their lives so as not to go insane will
find it hard to let go of control. They will experience the panic, fear, and anxiety which
feels close to being crazy and out of control as they implement this parenting system. The
backing down from these principles in order to regain control so as to avoid discomfort is
understandable. Breaking old habits takes time and a lot of practice. If Pathfinders
relapse into the old controller mode of parenting, they get back on the wagon of parental
recovery and forgive themselves for being human. They remind themselves that if they go
back to their old habitual ways of dealing with their children, they risk not only losing
their serenity and sense of recovery, but they also will do more harm to their children's
self-esteem. The worst possible thing that can happen if they hold to a consistent
Pathfinder model of parenting is that their children will react negatively to their
change, but they act negatively to their old controlling model of parenting so they have
nothing to lose. Parental serenity and self-esteem benefits from holding firm to the
Pathfinder principles in family interactions.
10. Be authentic
You need to be honest with yourself and others as to your level of commitment to your
children and family life. Pathfinders work hard to let go of Looking Good, People
Pleasing, and Entertainer Behavioral Patterns (described in Laying the
Foundation) which mask how they are really thinking, feeling, and acting.
Children have intuitive sensitivity and can pick up when parents are being incongruent in
the ways they deal with them. Parents who can recite the Pathfinder's principles word for
word, but yet do not live them in real life create anxiety in their children. The
discrepancy between words and actions confuses them as to what is really real in their
lives. Do they live by the words or do they live by the parents actions? Pathfinder
parenting is a role-modeling process by which children learn by how parents live rather
than just how they speak. The dishonesty of one's life will eventually surface.
Pathfinders work hard at letting their children know that as human beings their parents
have faults and failings which interfere often times with the rhetoric of the Pathfinder
Philosophy of life. This open and honest admission by parents of their fallibility helps
children to be more relaxed and trusting of their experiences in the family. If parents
agree at the intellectual level with the Pathfinder model, but are not yet ready to
implement it at an emotional level, then they first need to clarify their emotional
resistance before they go on. Parents who are committed to a Looking Good way of life may
pick up this book and other texts on parenting in hopes of finding answers to how to look
like good parents. The Pathfinder model requires a complete commitment on the part of
parents to turn their own lives around into a recovery mode. Only after intensive personal
recovery work on themselves will parents be ready to implement the Pathfinder system.
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