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| |  Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section
3
Parenting Pathfinders Principles
Content:
1. Describe behaviors, not children, as non-acceptable
You need to describe only the behaviors of children as unacceptable, when they upset
you. Avoid engaging in name calling, belittling, or other disparaging remarks about the
children. Pathfinders when upset with children's behaviors convey to them, although they
are accepted and loved unconditionally, that their current behaviors are unacceptable.
These parents also point out what are the possible negative consequences if the children
choose to continue these behaviors. This is a difficult parental skill to master. It
requires a great deal of practice accompanied by a cool head, relaxed emotions, and a
rational perspective. Often times in anger; negative words, names, or threats are spoken
by parents which children indelibly forge into their memories and self-scripts about
themselves. These negative remarks then mar their beliefs about their self-worth,
self-value, and self-confidence. Pathfinders vent their anger in a healthy manner on
inanimate objects away from the children, before they engage in addressing their
unacceptable, upsetting, and irritating behaviors.
2. Catch the good in children
You need to be consistent in positively reinforcing your children's strengths,
abilities, skills, talents, competencies and accomplishments. Pathfinders make a concerted
effort to point out and compliment children when they are doing acceptable behaviors and
accomplishing positive results. Success breeds success. If positive attention is paid to
positive behaviors, children learn that there is no need to act up or misbehave in order
to get their parents' negative attention. When children's skills, abilities, talents,
competencies and strengths are pointed out to them, it gives them external validation of
what is real about them. Pathfinders avoid only paying attention to the bad behaviors of
their children. They catch the good in their children and celebrate it with them.
3. Ignore the negative
You need to ignore the negative behaviors of your children so that they are not being
reinforced to continue them. Pathfinders recognize that by attending to negative behaviors
in children there is a good probability that such attention is negatively reinforcing the
behaviors to continue. Parents need to try to assist the extinguishing of the negative
behaviors by withdrawing from commenting, noting, or calling attention to them. This
requires parents to let go of the need to fix, correct, and change their children's
negative behaviors. Parents can practice the process of letting go of the uncontrollables
and unchangeables in their lives. The more they try to control and change these unwanted
behaviors the more they persist in occurring. The paradox of life that "the more you
exercise control the less control you have" takes affect when over attending negative
behaviors in children. Parents need to hand over these negative behaviors to their Higher
Power, as things which they cannot control or change. This handing over lightens up the
pressure on parents to attend to these negative actions and frees them to accept that
there is something else behind the actions of their children which needs to be further
deciphered and decoded. As parents hand these negative behaviors over, they will gain a
serenity in their lives. Pathfinders recognize that toughening it out by ignoring the
negative, uncomfortable, and irritating behaviors in children is actually a pathway to
peace in the family.
4. Listen to behaviors
You need to listen to the behaviors of your children and not just to what they verbally
tell you. Pathfinders recognize the need to monitor the behaviors, activities, and actions
of their children for the messages contained in them. They recognize that often there is a
goal behind children behaving or acting in certain ways. Parents need to decipher the
hidden messages because the children may be lacking the communications skills to be clear
on what they want or need. Children often learn early that they can placate and manipulate
their parents by telling them exactly what they want to hear from them. This teaches
children to be people pleasers who stuff how they really feel about things in order to
keep their parents peaceful, calm, and happy. If children are actually in disagreement,
angry, or upset with their parents and yet say the "looking good" thing, they
learn how to be passive aggressive and mean "no" when they are saying
"yes." If children feel ignored, unattended, and not listened to; they might act
out negatively in order to gain their parents' attention, even if this attention is
negative. They intuitively sense that some attention, even negative, is better than no
attention at all. Pathfinders spend a great deal of time reviewing the behaviors of their
children in order to derive the hidden messages within them.
5. Communicate with children
You need to communicate with your children at their level of understanding about
feelings and emotional matters so that they know that their feelings are important.
Pathfinders know the importance of open and honest communication with their children. They
make every effort to listen and respond to the feelings and messages expressed by children
both verbally and non-verbally. Pathfinders de-emphasize the content of what is being said
to insure that the feelings of children are being listened and responded to. The healthy
communication model which encourages healthy self-esteem is covered in Tools for
Communication (Messina, J.J., 1992, Kendall-Hunt). Pathfinders try not to get so
caught up with the content of what children express so that their feelings do not get
ignored in the process. Pathfinders share with their children their own feelings.
Openness, about how one feels, encourages learning the lesson that honesty, about how one
feels, is healthy and desirable. Open communications encourages children to be visible to
others. Pathfinders encourage children to openly discuss all fears and concerns so that
they do not grow up hindered by unresolved worries or fears.
6. Avoid cornering children in lies
You need to be careful not to force your children to lie to you, when you know the
truth about something you are asking them to explain or defend. Pathfinders encourage
their children to be honest about everything in their lives. These parents are sensitive
to forcing children into becoming people pleasers who only give them the answer which they
are hoping to hear. They are also on guard for passive aggressive responses which sound
like a "yes" when the children, in stuffing their anger, really mean
"no." Pathfinders allow children the freedom to express their negative emotions,
fears, and concerns when there is a situation in which they have done negative or unwanted
behaviors. These parents encourage their children to be open and above board so as to
avoid greater conflict, disharmony, and negative consequences arising from lying.
Pathfinders reward truth, honesty, and veracity. They give a great deal of guidance and
training to their people-pleasing and passive aggressive children who would rather lie
than to face conflict or disagreement.
7. Use natural and logical consequences
You need to assist your children to recognize what outcomes will naturally occur for
behaviors they choose. Once they know what the natural consequences are, then you allow
them to make their decision to do or not do the targeted behaviors. If they do the
behaviors, then allow the children to experience the natural consequences. They will learn
from these experiences the wisdom or lack of wisdom of such choices in the future. To
allow children to experience a natural consequence, which could be dangerous or life
threatening, is not appropriate. Pathfinders then point out a logical or parental decided
alternative consequence for the target behavior. The children are then free to choose the
target behavior, If they proceed with it, they are then given the logical consequence
which had been pointed out earlier by their parents. Natural and logical consequences
reinforce the limits set for children by their Pathfinder parents. Once limits are set and
the consequences are defined for breaching these limits, the children are free to make
their own behavioral choices. Pathfinders avoid using the terms which would imply that
positive natural or logical consequences are rewards for good behaviors. They also avoid
the terms that would imply that negative natural or logical consequences are punishments
for negative or bad behaviors. The healthy use of natural and logical consequences frees
parents from becoming behavioral and disciplinarian watch dogs over their children. It
requires parents to engage in ongoing dialogue and problem solving with their children as
to what the consequences are to be if certain behaviors, actions, or activities are
chosen. This principal is covered in more detail in Section 7 of this
material.
8. Be consistent
You need to be consistent in your parenting style with your children. Consistency in
parental handling provides children with a sense of order, predictability and rationality.
This helps children to develop feelings of security, safety, stability and survivability
in their family and home life. Pathfinders are consistent in their use of logical and
natural consequences. They strive to keep the rules, limits, and guidelines for children
stable, easy to remember and simply stated. To insure compliance with the rules and
guidelines, parents have them written up for their children to see in a public space in
their homes. Parents use contracts as written documents to insure a mutual understanding
as to how the rules will be consistently enforced in the home. Pathfinders establish
regularly scheduled family meetings in which the children can discuss with their parents
their reactions to the rules and their enforcement. These family meetings insure
consistency of approach. The minutes of these meeting are kept in a family journal, as an
archive, which can be referred to in the future to clarify the intentions of guidelines,
rules, and limits set in the family. Pathfinders work hard at reminding themselves of
these principles of parenting and keep them posted in their home to assist their quick
recall.
9. Follow through
You need to follow through and see to it that your children experience the consequences
for their behaviors for which limits, rules, and guidelines have been agreed upon.
Pathfinders recognize that they risk their credibility, believability, and leadership
role, if they do not follow through with what has been previously decided upon within the
family. Parents who weaken in their resolve, to be strong, hang tough, and stand firm;
open themselves up to be manipulated by their children. This does not encourage the
children to grow up with a sense of personal responsibility for their behaviors, actions
taken and choices made. They learn that their parents will be their rescuers, enablers,
and caretakers in the future if they do not do what they are supposed to do. Pathfinders
recognize that by letting go of the need to protect their children from the unpleasant
realities in life, which result from making a mistake, failing or choosing wrongly, will
strengthen them. By following through on enforcing the natural and logical consequences,
helps children to face life more realistically, rationally, and responsibly.
10. Be assertive with children
You need to be assertive with your children, to let them know how you feel when you
experience your rights being violated by their behaviors, actions, or activities.
Pathfinders let their children know that it is their choice to act in this manner, but it
is the parents' choice to feel the way they feel if these behaviors violate their rights.
To protect parental rights in the future, they ask their children to cease these
behaviors. In being assertive, Pathfinders do not use coercion, intimidation, or threats
to let children know what they are requesting in order to insure rights are not violated
in the future. Assertiveness is different from passiveness and aggressiveness. Passiveness
is when parents allow their children to violate parental rights by their behaviors without
speaking up to let them know how they feel. Chronic passivity encourages children to
develop a lack of empathy and concern for the rights, feelings, and sensitivity of others.
Aggressiveness is when parents use coercion, threats, and intimidation to get their
children to change their behaviors which violate parental rights. Aggressive behaviors
include: lecturing; demanding; belittling; name calling; blaming; ordering; commanding;
directing; preaching; threatening; criticizing; and ridiculing. Chronic use of aggressive
behaviors creates walls of defensiveness in children. It also damages their ability to
have open, honest, and free communication with their parents. Parental assertive behaviors
lessen the resistance and defensiveness of children. It involves the use of "I
feel..."and not "you do..." statements of blaming, scolding, and
condemning. Assertiveness is a skill which requires much practice to master.
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