 Parenting Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section 2
Parenting PATHFINDERs - A System of Recovery for Parents
CONTENT:
What's Parenting Pathfinders Mean?
- P Parenting - Parenting principles based on the TEA system
by which we change our Thoughts, Emotions, and Actions
to healthy rational and realistic ways of interacting with our children.
- A Activating - Activating children's self esteem over the
life span.
- T Tracking - Tracking structures for children
- H Hugging - Hugging children to create a healthy bond.
- F Formulating - Formulating behavioral consequences to
encourage personal responsibility in children.
- I Intervening - Intervening in loss issues facing children.
- N Negotiating - Negotiating to advocate for children's rights.
- D Discussing - Discussing issues with children with open,
honest, and feelings oriented communication.
- E Establishing - Establishing health boundaries with
adolescent and young adult children to insure personal emotional health.
- R Releasing - Releasing ourselves of shame and guilt over
mistakes made as parents through self-forgiveness.
Goal of Parenting Pathfinders Model
Parenting PATHFINDERs is a system by which parents can assist their children to
have healthy self-esteem. In order to assist others to have good self-esteem, parents need
to have healthy self-esteem themselves. The systems of recovery of the SEA'S Program also
known as Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous contains the summation of what is needed in order to gain healthy
self-esteem. The SEA'S system of recovery from low self-esteem contains procedures which
allow people to cope with anxiety, stress, panic, fears, anger, resentment, guilt,
loneliness, abandonment, the need to control, and relapsing into old behaviors. The SEA'S
system teaches adults to re-parent their broken and wounded inner children which is their
inner spirit. In Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child tools for healing and
awakening the inner spirit are presented which enable parents to heal their inner children
by re-parenting and becoming Pathfinders for themselves. Parents must be Pathfinders to
themselves and their inner children before they can be effective Pathfinders for their own
children.
Who Should Use this Model
Parenting PATHFINDERs is the technique of dealing with children in a positively
esteeming way which increases their belief in themselves. The ability to allow children to
be their own people requires a lot of exercise and practice. It also requires that parents
receive support from others who are understanding and who can call them on it when they
are relapsing back into an over-controlling mode. When there are two or more parenting
figures in the lives of children, it is important that they create a team-like approach
and are consistent in their philosophy and treatment, if self-esteem is to be enhanced.
For single parent-led families and step-families, PATHFINDER is an
appealing mode of parenting because it requires so little direct supervision and effort to
encourage the development of healthy children no matter what is the make up of the
parenting unit. The ability of parenting figures to agree on PATHFINDER
technologies is much more feasible when all parties involved have a reasonable and
realistic outlook on the need to give children as healthy a preparation for life as
possible.
Where it is impossible for both natural parents to communicate in a healthy manner, it
is still possible for one of the parents to be a Pathfinder as long as that parent does
not resort to putting down the other parent in the eyes of the children. The children will
benefit from the PATHFINDER techniques even if from only one parent. The
children will have to determine for themselves what is important to retain or reject from
the messages transmitted by the non-pathfinding parent. Unconditional acceptance and love
are key formulas which the children will learn in the Pathfinder's home and therefore will
be able to accept and love the non-pathfinding parent for who and what that person is. The
children will be able to judge on their own the merit or lack of merit of the directions
being given them by their non-pathfinding parent
Caution to New Parenting Pathfinders
In the beginning, as parents initiate pathfinding technology in their home environment,
the children will be resistant. This is because it is new and different and will require a
change in their attitudes, beliefs, and understandings about themselves and others. They
may resist the notion that they are solely responsible for the consequences for their own
behaviors. They may begin to act out and rebel because it does not feel normal or the way
it has always felt in the family. This reaction is to be expected. Novice Pathfinders will
need a great deal of support and help during this transition in the changing family scene.
The parents will need to depend on their support groups to clarify their thinking and
emotional reaction to the children's response to the changes in parenting style.
Parenting Pathfinder is an "Accepting Powerlessness Model"
Parenting PATHFINDERs is a reality based parental system which accepts that
parents cannot control the outcomes of the lives of their children. This system requires
that parents have a spirituality with a Higher Power. The twelve step program of
Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous provides an outline of the type spirituality needed by
Pathfinders. The twelve steps are fully detailed in the SEA's Program Manual. It is only by handing over the lack of control over others can
Pathfinders maintain a sense of serenity when their children appear to be getting worse as
a result of implementing this new model of parenting. Pathfinders have to develop a belief
system which includes the notion that hardship is a pathway to peace. They need to accept
that they are powerless to change or control other people, places, things, or
circumstances in their children's lives. They need a strength greater than themselves to
draw upon, when they find themselves weakening in resolve and commitment to no longer try
to exercise excessive control in their children's lives. This is especially true when
their offspring appear to be asking them to resume the old over-controlling model used on
them before.
Parenting Pathfinders is a Thinking Parents Model Based on Systems Thinking
The Parenting PATHFINDERs system is a culmination of all the tools needed to
recover from low self-esteem. Parents need to be clear with themselves as to why they are
now changing their parenting style. They need to accept that by adopting this
non-controlling, non-dependency inducing and non-threatening model they will be reducing
the stress not only in their own lives but also in the lives of their children. This model
requires parents to fully explore the old irrational beliefs which have blocked them in
the past from letting go of control. This model requires parents to be open to their own
feelings and emotions. The PATHFINDER system is based on the tools of
effective feelings based communication including actively listening for feeling,
responding to feelings, and problem solving through clarification of feelings. This system
requires parents to know the difference between dysfunctional and healthy patterns of
behaving. The system involves the parents in actively grieving the losses in their lives
so as not to be burdened with denial or bargaining. They need to accept that their own
lives have been full of loss and pain which has shaped them into being who they are today.
PATHFINDER is based on the assumption that parents will handle all forms of their
anger in healthy ways without burdening or scarring their children with it. To have
healthy relationships with their children, Pathfinders need to know what makes a healthy
relationship and how to sustain it. Pathfinders need to learn all the different forms of
control and how not to get caught up in them. They need to know how to alleviate the
stress and burnout parents experience who are over-responsible, guilt driven or
perfectionistic in their pursuit of being good parents.
The PATHFINDER system utilizes all of the six SEA's Systems needed for
the recovery from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem. These systems are fully
explained in the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous - The SEA'S Program Manual. The following is a short explanation of
them.
1. The TEA System
- T - Thoughts
- E - Emotions
- A - Actions
This system emphasizes that people cannot change their ways of acting unless they first
change their thinking and feelings about the target behaviors. Parents need to be cautious
in adopting the Pathfinder principles in their family life until they have fully
understood them and are ready for the emotional responses this model of parenting provokes
in themselves and their children.
2. The ALERT System
- A - Assess
- L - Lessen
- E - Ease
- R - Relax
- T - Take Action
This system is utilized when people are confronted with a fear, challenge, pressure or
crisis which causes anxiety, panic or stress. The underlying principle is that distress is
the result of irrational thinking when confronting a threatening stimulus. The goal is to
relax oneself by identifying the irrational beliefs and to replace them with rational and
reality based alternatives. Once the thoughts are clarified, then the person can relax and
face the challenge in a healthier way. Parents will need to use this system as they begin
to implement the Pathfinder system and face the negative challenges of their children to
this new way of relating.
3. The ANGER System
- A - Accept
- N - Name
- G - Get it out
- E - Energize
- R - Resume
This system is utilized when people are confronted with anger and have a need to
release the anger in order to return to a more relaxed and less stressful mind set. They
must first accept that they are angry and name what it is that is angering them. They next
need to get the anger out by not showering it on the people around them, but rather on
some inanimate objects like punching bags, pillows, cushions, or other safe outlets for
their venting. Once they have expelled their anger in a safe way, they will feel energized
and ready to resume their daily living. Parents need to utilize this system as they use
the Pathfinder system to get out their anger over their children's responses to their
parenting style.
4. The CHILD System
- C - Calm
- H - Heal
- I - Inform
- L - Love
- D - Direct
This system involves people in an inner healing experience by calming their inner
spirit when they are feeling lonely, forgotten, or abandoned. The calming comes from
embracing their inner children as they are simultaneously embraced by their Higher Power.
Healing comes from informing the inner child of positive affirmations of love and
unconditional self-acceptance. This enables people to re-parent themselves with healthy
self-esteem enhancing messages and feelings. Parents will need this system to provide
themselves Pathfinder re-parenting to comfort themselves as they sense the pain of the
loosening of their grip of control over their children.
5. The LET GO System
- L - Lighten Pressure
- E - Exercise Rights
- T - Take Steps
- G - Give up Need
- O - Order Life
This system involves people in releasing the need to control other people, places,
things, and circumstances which are not controllable or susceptible to being changed by
them. This involves the lightening of the pressure to: fix, be a caretaker, control,
change, rescue, enable, give advice, and correct others. The right not to intervene is
then exercised by the taking steps to stay detached and not hooked by the other's
manipulation to get them involved. This is a decision to commit to give up the need to be
over-controlling and to reorder life to reflect this decision. Pathfinder is a Let Go
system for parents. It is the letting go of the need to control their children's lives.
6. The RELAPSE System
- R - Recognize
- E - Escape
- L - Learn
- A - Act
- P - Protect
- S - Support
- E - Evaluate
The SEA's Program belief is that recovery from the behavioral consequences of low
self-esteem is a life long process. It involves a change in life-style which includes
ongoing use of the SEA's program of recovery; restructuring personal time; eating a
balanced diet; getting adequate and restful sleep; daily aerobic exercise; maintaining
physical health; restructuring of home, work, and community involvement; maintaining a
social support network; stress management and relaxation activities; and adequate
recreational and leisure outlets. This system recognizes that there are a variety of
reasons why people relapse back into old unhealthy ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
This system encourages people to recognize when they are in relapse and to escape from it
as soon as possible. The goal is to lessen the number of relapse events by learning, from
the current relapse, why it occurred. Once the reasons for relapse are identified then
action can be taken to make it possible to extend the time before the next relapse and to
lessen the intensity of such an occurrence. People can protect themselves from relapse by
having a better understanding why it occurs. They then need to seek support from their
social support network. They give their supporters permission to call them on it when they
see them building up for a relapse. Parents who utilize the Pathfinder system must
recognize that they need to be vigilant for the signs of an impending relapse into their
old unhealthy patterns of parenting. Parents need to use the RELAPSE system with their
support system so that they can receive warning that they are reverting to old controlling
behaviors with their children.
Parenting PATHFINDERs then incorporates all of the six SEA's systems of recovery
in order to assist parents to have healthier family lives and to encourage the development
of personal responsibility taking, rational thinking, productive problem solving,
self-confidence, self-acceptance, and healthy self-esteem in their children. To accomplish
this goal, parents need to spend more time in working on themselves to awaken a healthier
sense of self and healthy perspective on life. Parents who make their own personal
recovery from low self-esteem their top priority will benefit from the
Parenting PATHFINDERs
system. Parents on the other hand who only try to implement these principles without
personal recovery work will be saddened to find out they cannot do one without the other.
In order to help you decide if you are receptive to the Parenting PATHFINDERs
system, take the following inventory of Pathfinder Beliefs and rate yourself as to how
willingly you accept and incorporate them in your life with your children.
Parenting PATHFINDERs Beliefs Inventory
Directions: Read each belief and then rate how you react to it. Put
your rating on the line before each belief. Use the following rating scale:
-
1 = I would never accept or state this as my belief
-
2 = I would rarely accept or state this as my belief
-
3 = I sometimes accept or state this as my belief
-
4 = I frequently accept and state this as my belief
-
5 = I almost always accept and state this as my belief
_____ 1. I do not need my children to like or love me in order for me to feel good
about myself.
_____ 2. I love myself enough to keep a healthy emotional boundary between my children
and me so that I can be objective and detached when I set limits for them.
_____ 3. I would never place my children in a position in which I would not be willing
to be placed myself.
_____ 4. I believe that children should be given freedom to make choices in their lives
as long as I have set the limits for these choices to be made.
_____ 5. I believe that children need to be held responsible for all of their own
actions. It is my task to point out for them what the consequences will be if they choose
such actions.
_____ 6. It is healthy for children to have unique personalities which may clash with
the tastes, interests and pursuits of their parents.
_____ 7. It is ok if my children do not become what I have always hoped they would
become.
_____ 8. Children do not have an obligation to think, feel, and act like they do.
_____ 9. Free and open expression of physical and verbal affection is necessary for
children to have healthy self-esteem.
______10. It is healthy for children to spend time on their own interests, activities
and hobbies away from their parents.
_____11. Parents are the leaders in a family and they have to set the tone in the
household by how they interact with the other family members.
_____12. Children need to have some freedom of choice within the limits set for them by
their parents. This means that they are given guidelines for desired behaviors without
rigid monitoring or supervision to insure that they are in compliance with the guidelines.
_____13. If my children appear to be floundering in life because they do not have the
ability to solve their problems, then it is my responsibility to provide guidance by
pointing out a variety of alternative solutions so that they can choose for themselves
what to do.
_____14. When my children make choices which I know are bad for them, all I can do is
to point out the potential consequences for these choices and leave them free to decide
what they want to do about it.
_____15. In matters of pre-marital sex, alcohol or drug use, and other socially
offensive behaviors all I can do is to fully inform my children about the negative
consequences of these behaviors, but I cannot force them to choose what I want them to.
_____16. It is important that other adults in my children's lives give my children the
same choices and freedom to be who they are without coercing them to be something which
they do not want to be.
_____17. It is my responsibility to be an advocate for my children with school, church,
clubs, sports teams, and other community activities in which they are involved to promote
their self-esteem development in the Pathfinder model.
_____18. It is important for me to help others in my children's lives to understand
that they are free to point out to my children the natural and logical consequences for
their actions in the settings in which these adults have authority and responsibility for
my children.
_____19. I do not have to fight for my children with the authorities in their lives if
the officials have operated in a logical and rational way with them. This may mean that my
children may experience some grave negative consequence for some inappropriate choices
they have made.
_____20. I do not have to accept the negative consequences for my children's freely
chosen behaviors since I did not perform their all chosen behavior.
_____21. Seeing my children suffering the negative consequences for their own actions
can be painful, but I refuse to intervene if it is the right thing for them.
_____22. I believe that children should be given the freedom to experience failure in
their lives.
_____23. Children learn from the mistakes they make. I cannot protect my children from
the mistakes they make if I want them to grow up strong, self-reliant, and self-confident.
_____24. It is good for children to take out their anger in healthy ways. I encourage
my children to do so as often as I see their anger rising.
_____25. I choose not to feel offended, hurt or pained when my children in their
negative response to a directive of mine try to manipulate through guilt, non-acceptance,
or rejection of me.
_____26. I choose not to hold onto guilt or shame for bad mistakes in judgment
I made
in my previous handling of my children.
_____27. I recognize that it is unhealthy to hold too tightly to an image, dream, or
fantasy of how I want my children to be, because I cannot control things so that it can
become a reality.
_____28. As long as I accept myself for who I am, it makes no difference what others
say about how I am raising my children.
_____29. It is healthy for my children to recognize that I am a human being with
weaknesses and frailty. I make a point to admit my shortcomings to them.
_____30. My physical and mental health is the number one priority in my life.
_____31. My marriage or relationship with my significant other is the second most
important priority in my life.
_____32. My children are the next most important priority in my life after me and my
marriage.
_____33. Parenting is fun as long as I keep a healthy perspective and let go of the
need to control everything in my children's lives.
_____34. It is important to listen to my children's feelings as well as I can and
equally important, I need to share my feelings with my children.
_____35. I accept responsibility for not being a perfect parent. I also accept that in
the past, I had done the best that I could do at the time, for my children, knowing what I
did at the time.
_____36. I am a human being and as such will make mistakes. It is ok to admit to my
children when I have made them.
_____37. There is nothing about me, my family or our life together that I feel that my
children need to keep secret from others.
_____38. I choose not to burden my children with my problems, concerns and worries in
order to get them to comply with my requests for them to take care of me.
_____39. I feel no shame or guilt for letting go of the outcomes in my children's
lives.
_____40. My Higher Power provides me strength to let go of the control over my children
by allowing me to hand my children's outcomes over to this Power. I am ready to accept
whatever will be the outcome.
_____Total Score
Scoring of PATHFINDER Beliefs Inventory
Directions: Add up all of the rating and place the total on the Total Score line.
Interpretations of Scores on the Pathfinder Beliefs Inventory
Score Rating Interpretation
- 40-60 Very Poor You will have a difficult time accepting the Pathfinder model unless
you first commit yourself to working on your own low self- esteem.
- 61-80 Poor You could be open to the Pathfinder model if you work at improving your own
self-esteem.
- 81-120 Fair There is a better chance for you to be able to be a Pathfinder as long as
you continue to work on yourself.
- 121-160 Good You are on your way to becoming a Pathfinder with your children. You still
have to work harder on Letting Go and accepting that you are powerless over the outcomes
for your children. You probably need to do more anger and grief work over this reality.
- 161-200 Excellent You have made it to the ranks of the Pathfinders but do not become
complacent since relapse is always a possibility. It is always wise to have in your
support network other parents who are committed to the Pathfinder system of parenting.
Journal Exercise:
Directions: In your personal journal, respond to the following
questions about the Parenting Pathfinders System:
1. What obstacles stand in the way of your freely accepting the Pathfinder system in
your life?
2. How many of the 40 beliefs do you have a problem accepting and what is blocking your
acceptance of them?
3. How is the current state of your self-esteem? What do you need further work on, in
order for your self-esteem to become healthier?
4. Which of the six systems from the SEA's Program do you need to work more on so that
they become a way of life for you? Why do you need to do more work on these systems?
5. How comfortable are you with the need to stay rational and reality based when
dealing with your beliefs about parenting? What resistance do you feel to being open to
this model?
6. How do you feel your children will react to your implementing the Pathfinder system?
7. How do you feel your partner in raising the children will feel about implementing
the Pathfinder system?
8. What beliefs you currently hold about parenting and having children are being
challenged by the Pathfinder system?
9. What are the benefits for you and your children to be gained by adopting the
Pathfinder system?
10. What emotions or feelings are you experiencing as you proceed in this book? Where
do you feel these are coming from? What do you think you need in order to change these
feelings if they are negative? If they are positive, how can you explain your positive
response?
| 
Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
Email: