 Parenting
Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section
11
Parenting Pathfinders Establish Healthy Boundaries with Children
Content:
Parenting Pathfinders
Boundary Development Scenarios Exercise
Directions: To assist you to practice setting boundaries and limits
with your older children read the following scenarios and put your answers in your
journal. A second way of using these scenarios is to bring them to family meetings with
your older children. Read the scenario and then ask the family members how they would
handle this situation if they were Pathfinder Parents? Then after you have fully discussed
the family's initial reaction then proceed to read the answers at the end of this section
and then have the family react to the ideal Pathfinder solutions. Remember that you do not
have to fully agree with the Pathfinder solutions but if you do not, you need to insure
that your response reflects respect for your boundaries and those of your children so that
you can maintain a healthy intimacy with them.
Scenario 1:
Your 13 year old in 7th grade is not working hard in school and seems not to be doing
any homework. You are ready to pull your hair out. You have gotten at least 3 scholarship
warnings from school. You have begun to "police" your child. You sit for at
least one to two hours a day being sure that homework is being done. You have set
limitations on the use of the phone and TV until the next grading period to insure that
your child does better in school. As a Pathfinder how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 2:
Your 15 year old daughter has been head over heels over a boy 5 years older than she
is. You are fearful that they are having sex and you are afraid that she will get
pregnant. You begin to screen her phone calls and threaten to ground her for
"life." You have a difficult time sleeping at night for fear she is sneaking out
her bedroom window. You seek help from your minister to talk her out of going out with
this man. You seek out a psychiatrist to put her into a hospital in hopes that she will
"see the light." You find that you are so distracted by your daughter's life
that you are not able to do your usual quality work on your job. You need help. As a
Pathfinder how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 3:
Your 14 year old son has been rebellious and disrespectful towards you, to other family
members. H:e totally disregards the rules at home and school. On the other hand he lets
you know that, when he is 16, he expects to have a car, which you of course will buy for
him. He threatens to run away if you don't give him what he wants. He fights you
incessantly. You find yourself getting angrier and angrier at him. Your patience is at its
limits. You are ready to seek a foster home placement for him since life with him is so
horrible. As a Pathfinder how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 4:
Your 18 year old son has gone off to college and maintains extravagant "Yuppie
Like" tastes in adult toys (cars, stereos, computers, clothes etc.). He lets you know
that he expects you to keep him outfitted with all of his material demands while at
college and "beyond." You find yourself taking on a second job just so that you
can keep up with your son's material demands. As a Pathfinder how would you handle this
situation?
Scenario 5:
Your 22 year old daughter brings home her lover with whom she has been living with for
2 years. She announces that she is going to marry this man within the next two years and
she expects you to give her a "major production" wedding for over 300 guests at
your own expense. You are not in favor of this union. You do not like her boyfriend. You
feel she is making a major mistake and you want to tell her you are not in favor of her
marrying him. Further you will not pay for a thing if she does marry him.. As a Pathfinder
how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 6:
Your 27 year old son has a drinking problem and is having marital problems. His wife
kicked him out because he becomes abusive with her. He calls you up to ask you if he can
stay with you until his wife "comes to her senses" and lets him come back to
her. You are torn. You want him to stop drinking, but you feel guilty since you have a
history of alcoholism in your family and feel bad that he has inherited the "family
disease." On the other hand you do not want to contribute to his getting
"sicker" if he is abandoned by both his wife and his parents. You would rather
house him and hopefully let him dry out and go on the wagon while living with you than
taking the risk he will go on a major "bender" if he has no place to live. As a
Pathfinder how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 7:
Your 30 year old son, who is married and has two children under 5 years of age, was
just laid off from his 8th job in 8 years. He calls you to find out if you will provide
him the rent and food money he needs until he can get back on his feet. This is the eighth
time he has turned to you in his need. You have not even gotten back on your feet
financially since the last time he was in this predicament. As a Pathfinder how would you
handle this situation?
Scenario 8:
Your 32 year old daughter has had two failed marriages and she has moved into your home
with her two children ages 8 and 10. You find their presence in your home has become a
burden to you financially and emotionally. You find that your daughter is over using you a
babysitter as she has begun to go out nightly to "get on with her life." You
never get paid for your babysitting and she never pays rent and rarely pays for the food
she and her children eat. You find yourself getting resentful but because of fear of being
too rageful you have withdrawn more and more from her. As a Pathfinder how would you
handle this situation?
Scenario 9:
Your grandson who is 13 keeps calling you to tell you how aweful it is at home with his
parents arguing and yelling all the time. He asks you if you would let him move in with
you. He is afraid that his parents are going to hurt each other. He also says they might
possibly hurt him if they knew he had called you. You are torn up about this. You know
that your child and his or her spouse have severe emotional problems. You are scared
because you know that as a young child your son or daughter had been abusive to you and
other members of your family. You call a lawyer to find out what you can do to save your
grandson. As a Pathfinder how would you handle this situation?
Scenario 10:
Your child threatens to commit suicide unless you are willing to do what he or she has
just asked for you to do for him or her. As a Pathfinder how would you handle this
situation?
Answer Key: Parenting Pathfinders Boundary Development Scenarios Exercise
Scenario 1: As a Pathfinder you would inform your child that he or she
is responsible for his or her academic progress in school. You will no longer spend any
time in monitoring homework or study time. You will no longer set limits on phone or TV
use. You will no longer respond to Scholarship warnings from school and will inform your
child's teachers that you are following a parenting principle of setting boundaries
between you and your child and making your child responsible for his or her own school
progress to encourage your child to experience the natural consequences for his or her
lack of responsibility academically. You will keep up this process until your child
graduates from high school or college.
Scenario 2: As a Pathfinder you would establish limits on your
emotional involvement with your daughter's life. You would inform her that her involvement
with this 20 year old man is questionable. You let her know about the need to have
"safe sex." You inform her that you will never raise a grandchild in your home.
You tell her that if she intends to continue to see this man that she needs to do it
openly and not hide her involvement from you any more. You let go of the need to change
and control her and put your focus back on yourself and your own emotional needs. You hand
this problem over to your Higher Power and you work at being unhooked and detached from
the situation. You give your daughter unconditional acceptance and provide her your open
ear and heart in case things change in her situation with her "man."
Scenario 3: As a Pathfinder, you would inform your son that if he
wants a car when he is 16 that would be OK with you as long as four conditions were met.
The conditions would be: (1) He would need to buy the car with his own money which he
earns on his own. (2) He would need to pay his own car insurance and car maintenance
expenses (e.g. gas, oil and repairs). (3) He would need to show more respect and be more
cooperative around the house to earn the right for you to sign for his temporary and
permanent Driver's License. (4) He would have to maintain a minimum of a B average in
school before you would allow him on your insurance policy because you would get a
"good student" discount if his grade average was B or higher and that you would
not be able to afford to have him on your insurance policy unless such a discount was
available to him and you. You then step back and let the reality set in. Most probably he
will continue to test you and try to hook you into more anger and rage responses. You will
work hard at doing healthy ANGER workouts and LET GO efforts so that you do not get hooked
back into "power struggles" with him.
Scenario 4: As a Pathfinder, you would inform your son prior to his
Sophmore year in High School that there is a limit to your support once he goes off to
college. He will need to cover all extra expenses over the normal costs of tuition, room
and board and books at a State College or University. If you son wants to go to a private
school, he will need to find a way to make up the differences between the tuition of a
state school and the private institution. Also your son would be told that he is expected
to cover the cost of car insurance, car maintenance, and all other adult toys he desires.
You hold firm to this limit and redirect him every time he slips and lets his entitlement
needs show.
Scenario 5:
As a Pathfinder, you would inform your daughter that although you are not in favor of
her marriage plans that you would work along with her to have a wedding which would be
less costly than what she had planned. However if she wants as large a wedding as she had
planned, you would give her the amount of money you are willing to spend as your portion
of the overall costs. You let her know that she will need to come up with the remaining
amount of money to have the size wedding she desires to have. You back off from making
negative comments about the wedding and her future spouse. You do your ANGER work out in
healthy ways so that you can LET GO and hand over this situation to your Higher Power. You
are going to lose no matter what you do. It would be better to go along in a minor way
than to refuse to participate in your daughter's wedding. You do not want to push your
daughter away so that chance of having an intimate relationship with her in the future is
imperiled.
Scenario 6:
As a Pathfinder, you would inform your son that you will not interfere in his domestic
problems with his wife and therefore you will not allow him to live in your house while he
tries to earn his way back home. You would not mention how he needs to get off booze, get
to AA and turn his life over to God. You will do major ANGER work and do major LET GO work
and hand your son and his wife over to your Higher Power and remain open and communicative
with them both and stay detached from the "hooks" of their marital distress.
Scenario 7:
As a Pathfinder you would inform your son that you can no longer provide financial
support for him and his family because you can no longer afford it, given your current
circumstances. (This is not a lie, since you cannot afford to put your emotional health at
risk anymore) You then inform him of the resources available to him such as unemployment,
food stamps, county and state welfare, and subsidized housing. You work hard at keeping
open communication with him and try not to get hooked into rescuing him as you have in the
past. You do not lecture him about his irresponsibility. You do not give him any advise
about how he should turn his life around. You work hard at being detached and do not allow
yourself to "guilt" yourself into rescuing your son when he seems not to be
improving his circumstances and continuing to put his own family at risk. You realize as a
Pathfinder, that you have been enabling him in the past to continue his pattern of
irresponsibility at his work site, because he has always relied on you to rescue him when
he got fired or lost his job.
Scenario 8:
As a Pathfinder you would inform your daughter that you are giving her two months to
find an apartment for she and her children to move to. You also inform her that you can no
longer provide babysitting service for her since you you can't fit it into your current
calendar, (This is not a lie since you have ignored taking time for yourself in the past
year and that you are going to reclaim your life.) You do not yell, rant or rave. You do
your ANGER work away from her and do LET Go work so that you can accept her
unconditionally and remain detached from her "hooks" of making you feel
responsible to make up for her being irresponsible and immature in the way she handles her
life, her children and her relationships with men.
Scenario 9:
As a Pathfinder, you would contact your child and his or her spouse for a joint meeting
to discuss your concerns about their current marital strife. You mention your fear of
their becoming overly abusive with one another and also your fear that they might become
abusive to their children. You inform them that you will not interfere anymore than this
discussion. They need to know that if their problems erupt, to be more abusiveness than
what they have been, you will be forced to call the police to inform them of the abuse in
the household and the danger their children are in. You would also let them know that
there are family and domestic violence programs in the community which could be very
useful for them to mediate their interpersonal problems.
Scenario 10:
As a Pathfinder, you would inform your child (between the ages of 12 and late
adulthood) that you will not be blackmailed into doing something for him or her which you,
at this time, do not want or are able to do. You let your child know that you will not
feel guilty if he or she commits suicide over this issue. You let your child know that you
have handed him or her over to your Higher Power and whatever he or she does in response
to your refusal is now out of your hands. You let your child know that his or her life is
his or her responsibility and that no matter what he or she does, you will not accept
responsibility for his or her actions. Finally you let him or her know that people who
threaten suicide are usually put into psychiatric facilities involuntarily and that you
will proceed to get officials to put him or her in such an institution if he or she
persist in making such suicidal threats in the future.
Journal Exercise:
1. How intimate is your relationship with your adolescent and young adult
children? What barriers exist to having an intimate family life with your older
children? What could you do differently to improve the intimacy which you share
with your older children?
2. What emotional hooks do your older children know are sure fire ways for
you to lower your boundaries with them? What have you done in the past to lessen
your being hooked in these ways? What are some reasons why you are still being
hooked by your older children? What do you need to do to lessen the impact of
these hooks in your life?
3. What irrational beliefs underlie your being hooked by your older children?
What new messages do you need to give yourself to get unhooked and remain
unhooked in the future so that you can maintain your boundaries with your older
children?
4. What are some reasons why you have allowed yourself to be hooked by your
children when you have known what they were doing to you? Why are you able to
know what is healthy for you to do and yet you act in unhealthy ways? What do
you need to do to change this situation?
5. Guilt has a tremendous impact in most people's lives. How does it impact
your relationship with your older children? What do you need to do to LET GO of
guilt so that your older children can no longer hook you into do unhealthy
things for them?
6. How did you respond to the scenario exercise? How did you feel about the
scenarios? If you shared them with your children, how did you feel about their
response to them? How did you feel about your children's responses to the
scenarios? How did you and your children respond to the Pathfinder responses in
the answer key?
7. What anger issues, identified in this , are true for you in your life with
your older children? What do you need to do to release your anger so that you
can reclaim your own life?
8. How well are your personal rights in a family respected in your dealings
with your older children? How well are your children's rights respected in their
relationship with you? What needs to be done to change this situation for both
you and your older children?
9. How well do you set boundaries on your (A) time, (B) money, (C) external
resources, (D) internal resources and (E) emotions with your older children?
What do you need to do to change this situation so that you can have healthier
boundaries with your older children?
10. What is the status of your (A) calendar, (B) Budget, (C) Rules for
external resources, (D) Rules for internal resources, and (E) emotional limits
with your older children? What do you need to do to change this situation so
that you can hold to your limits to insure your relationship with them is
intimate and healthy?
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