Parenting Pathfinders Establish Healthy Boundaries with Children

Sub-step 3: Do CHILD work to nurture your right to have boundaries
Personal Rights in Families

Sub-step 3: Do CHILD work to nurture your right to have boundaries

Once you have done your ANGER work then you need to nurture yourself with CHILD work. Focus on how you deserve not to be hooked by the pitfalls in your relationship with your adolescent and young adult children. Remind yourself that you deserve to establish healthy boundaries between you and your children to protect yourself intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically. To do this CHILD work you first need to recognize what your rights are in healthy intimate family life with older children.

Personal Rights in Family

1. I have the right to expect a nurturing environment in my family.

I deserve a family environment with clearly defined and enforced limits and boundaries so that I do not get lost or used up in it. I deserve to have respect and latitude to be an individual in this family so that I can retain my individuality and personhood. I deserve to have an environment with my older children, which has structure so that I know what are our mutual expectations and obligations. I deserve to have freedom within the established structure so that I am not penned in or limited from being the person who I am. I deserve to maintain open, honest and feelings based communication with my spouse, family, friends, support system and recovery colleagues, so that I can receive feedback if I am falling into a "hooked" relationship with my children, in which I am losing all sense of personal boundaries. I have the right to establish boundaries with my children which insure that the environment in my family life is nurturing to me.

2. I have the right to be self-nurturing in family life.

I deserve to love myself unconditionally. I deserve to take care of my own intellectual, emotional and physical needs with no need to become dependent on my children to meet these needs for me. I deserve to accept myself as a unique person who is different and separate from my children and spouse. I deserve and need to be open and honest with myself so that I am constantly in touch with my feelings and emotions so that I do not slip into fantasy or delusion about what is happening in my family. I have the need to be open to my inner voice which is the source of my instincts and intuitions so that I can hear the Alarm Bell if my family is becoming unhealthy for me. I have the right to establish boundaries with my children which insure that I have the personal resources to nurture myself in healthy ways.

3. I have the right to expect to be emotionally nurtured by my older children in the same ways I nurture them.

I deserve unconditional love and acceptance from my children just as they deserve my unconditional love and acceptance. I deserve to receive warmth, caring and affection from my children just as they deserve the same from me. I deserve to be accepted as the unique individual I am in this family life just like my children deserve me accepting them in their uniqueness.. I deserve good open and honest communication with my children just as they deserve the same from me. I deserve to have open and straight forward problem solving with my children so that all issues which come up can be handled in healthy, logical, emotional and physical ways. I have the right to establish boundaries with my children which insure our mutually being emotionally nurturing to one another.

4. I have the right to expect my children to support my healthy self-esteem.

I have a right to expect that my family life will be supportive of me so that I can grow in my self-worth, self-concept and optimism. I have a right to expect to become a more productive person in my family life. I have a right to become a better creative problem solver and experience improved coping skills in this family. I have a right to expect respect for my leadership capabilities by my older children. I have a right to expect that my self-deservedness and self-confidence will grow in my relationship with my adolescent and young adult children. I have a right to expect that my children and I will grow in altruism and personal responsibility taking in our family life. I have the right to establish boundaries with my children which are supportive to my healthy self-esteem.

Use these four personal rights in a family as affirmations and visualizations to nurture yourself in CHILD work to give yourself permission to establish healthy boundaries to not get hooked in unhealthy ways with your older children in the future. To read more about what you have a right to expect in your relationship with your children, read Section 1: An Overview of Self-Esteem in Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous - The SEA's Program Manual (Messina, J.J., Kendall/Hunt, Dubuque, Iowa, 1992). Use the tools in Tools for Relationships (Messina, J.J., Kendall/Hunt, Dubuque, Iowa, 1992) to develop goals with your older children which encourage healthy intimacy with them. Use Growing Down - Tools for Healing the Inner Children (Messina, J.J., Kendall/Hunt, Dubuque, Iowa, 1992.) to give you tools to help you self-nurture yourself so that you are strong and visible in your family life and are better able to nurture yourself without the need to be needed by your children.

Once you have completed the 3 substeps of LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE about the hooks in your family life which keep your boundaries down then you are ready for the next step in the LET GO process.

Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D., Email: jjmess@tampabay.rr.com Š1999-2007 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D. Note: Original materials on this site may be reproduced for your personal, educational, or noncommercial use as long as you credit the authors and website.