 Parenting
Pathfinders: Tools for Raising Responsible Children - Section
11
Parenting Pathfinders Establish Healthy Boundaries with Children
Content:
Introduction
When children become
adolescents and young adult, parents find in their desire to have a "perfect"
family that they are often in competition for control with their children to make their
children think, feel and act the way the parents expect them to. This competition or
"power struggle" often results in the family's health deteriorating and
eventually the family members finds themselves in a vacuous relationship with deep
resentments and hurts. The parents often end up resenting their older children because of
the belief that after giving and giving and giving they have nothing left of themselves to
keep the family alive and well. The parents lose any sense of boundaries with their
children and become embroiled in their older children's lives. The children often resent
their parents for the intense over control which is exercised on them. The children may
choose to rebel against the intense real or perceived pressure they experience from their
parents to conform to an ideal or fantasy image which their parents expect of them. The
children might on the other hand learn to be helpless and become dependent on their
parents "doing for them" to the point of not only expecting but demanding it be
done. There is a breakdown in the boundaries in families where there is a struggle for
control. Intimacy and communication failing in such families. With a breakdown of
boundaries between parents and older children family life becomes tense, dysfunctional and
a real struggle.
How about your family life with your adolescent children (12 to 18) and young adult
children (18-35)? How well are your physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual
boundaries established and maintained in your family? How successful are you in protecting
and maintaining your boundaries when your children is highly intrusive and persistent? How
hooked are you by your children's manipulations to lower your boundaries in the
relationship? Do you use unhealthy, compulsive or addictive behaviors as a boundary to
protect yourself from your trying relationships with your children? How well do you stay
unhooked and detached when your children are working you over to lower your boundaries in
the relationship? Does your inability to maintain healthy intellectual, emotional,
physical and spiritual boundaries with your children frighten you? Would you prefer to
stay stuck in your unhealthy power struggles than to work on learning how to establish
healthy boundaries in your family? If the answer is that you need to strengthen your
boundaries with your older children to enrich or regain the health of your family then
read on.
To maintain healthy intimacy in your family with adolescent and young adult children,
you will need to first establish healthy intellectual, emotional and physical boundaries
with them. With healthy boundaries established, you will be able to establish and maintain
a healthy intimate, physical, emotional and "Spirit filled" relationship with
your older children. First you need to identify if you have a healthy intimate
relationship with your older children at this time. Consider the following description of
a healthy intimate family life in which adolescent and young adult children are present.
Characteristics of
a Healthy Intimate Family Life
The goal in an intimate family life is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy
needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, nonpunitive and peaceful. All family members
feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved just for existing and being
alive in a healthy intimate family. Each family member feels part of something and not
alone in such a relationship. Each family member experiences forgiving and being forgiven
with little revenge or reminding of past offenses. Family members find themselves giving
thanks for just being alive in this family. A healthy intimate family life has a sense of
directedness with plan and order. Family members experience being free to be who they are
rather than who think they need to be for each other in the family. This relationship
makes family members free from the "paralysis of analysis" needing to analyze
every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate family has its priorities in order,
with people's feelings and relationships coming before things and money. A healthy
intimate family life encourages each member's personal growth and supports the
individuality of each family member. This relationship does not result in parents or their
older children becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one
another. An intimate family encourages the spiritual growth of both children and their
parents and makes room for god in the relationship as a family member and friend.
Use the following questions on your own or with your adolescent and/or young adult
children to discuss the issue of family intimacy:
1. Does our family life sound, look and feel like this description?
2. What factors impede our ability to have intimate relationships in our family?
3. If children are not able to establish healthy intimate relationships in families,
then they run the risk of not being able to establish healthy intimate relationships with
others outside their families. Is this true in our family?
4. Do we as a family fail at being emotionally and spiritually intimate, if yes, why is
this so?
5. Do we have open emotional based communication with affection in our family?
6. How important is it to each family member to have healthy intimacy in the current
family life now that the children are adolescents or young adults?
7. What is presently preventing our family from being more intimate?
8. What do the parents in this family need to do differently so that this family can
achieve the intimacy described above?
9. What do the children need to do differently so as to achieve the intimacy described
above?
10. What would our family look like if we all agreed to work on improving the intimacy
in our family life?
If your family needs to improve its communication, most probably what keeps you and
your older children from having healthy intimacy, is yours and/or your children's
inability to establish and
maintain healthy boundaries with one another. What you and your children need to do a LET
GO workout to identify how to establish healthy intellectual, emotional and
physical boundaries with each other so that you can use this skill in establishing and/or
maintaining a healthy intimate family life with one another. You can also use these skills
listed in relationships with your spouses, grandchildren, parents, in-laws, relatives,
friends, and any one you want to establish an intimate relationship with. For the purposes
of this the rest of the effort will focus on how you the parents can LET GO and establish
healthy boundaries with your adolescent and young adult children.
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