|
Home
Up
Inventory
Low Esteem
Model
Root Sources
Looking Good
Acting Out
Pulling In
Entertainer
Troubled Person
Enabling
Rescuing
People-Pleasing
Nonfeeling
Old Self-Scripts
| |
 Laying
the Foundation
What is Low Self-Esteem?
Content:
Categories of people vulnerable to having low
self-esteem
-
Children who were verbally, emotionally,
physically, sexually abused
-
Children who were not loved and accepted
unconditionally either at home, at school or in the community
-
Children of parents or grandchildren of grandparents
who came from a codependent or dysfunctional family system
-
Children of dependent parents (alcohol, drugs,
gambling, food, shopping, sex)
-
Children of workaholic parents
-
Children of mentally ill parents
-
Children raised in a high stress environment
-
Children raised in an environment where feelings
were not openly expressed, experienced, or welcome
-
Children who have experienced the divorce of their
parents
-
Children who have experienced the loss of a parent
or significant other in their childhood
-
Children raised in an absolutist or fundamentalist
environment
-
Children raised in a family headed by a single
parent due to divorce, death, or absence due to career
-
Children
who were abused emotionally or verbally in a school environment
-
Adults who have been hurt badly in a relationship,
in marriage, in school, at work, or in the community
-
Adults
who work in a codependent work environment
-
Adults hurt in a relationship at work or in the
community with someone and/or married to someone who is dependent (alcohol,
drugs, gambling, food, shopping, sex
-
Adults in a relationship with someone or married to
someone who is a workaholic
-
In a relationship with someone or married to someone
who comes from a codependent family or work system
-
Members of a family in which a child with a
developmental disability is born and reared
-
Members of a family in which a chronically ill
family member is cared for
-
Members of a family or work environment in which a
compulsive individual lives
-
Compulsive or dependent individuals once they are
treated and enter recovery
How does Codependency a contribute to low
self-esteem
What is codependency
Codependency is characterized by
preoccupation and extreme dependency (emotionally, socially, and sometimes
physically) on a person or an object. Eventually, this dependency becomes a
pathological condition affecting the codependent in all other relationships.
Codependency is an illness. It is a
chronic condition of behavioral compulsions, delusions, and of emotional denial
and repression resulting in a lifestyle of low self-esteem, and a feeling of
powerlessness that can lead to medical complications.
What are the three major symptoms of codependency?
- Denial: This is denial that the condition exists. The word "I'' is never used,
instead the third person is used in describing a problem. This can lead to a
chronic state of delusion.
- Compulsions: Including smoking, eating, working, spending, alcohol, drugs, gambling,
sex, relationships.
- Problems in relationships: "Why am I always hurting in
my relationships?'' Problems result from the chronic state of repression of
feelings.
What complications come from codependency?
1. Low self worth: I am not worthy of a
better lifestyle.
2. Scarcity principle: It is better than what
I've been used to, so I should be satisfied with what I've got. This results in
perceived powerlessness: "I'd better not rock the boat.'' Safety is survival.
3. Medical complications: Including ulcers,
high blood pressure, colitis, heart problems, asthma, allergies, cancer, and any
"closing down'' of the body functions.
4. Repression: The unconscious "holding in''
of feelings comes from the rules of repression in dependent high stress
environments.
Negative consequences of low self-esteem
Some of the negative consequences of low self-esteem to your lifestyle
are:
-
Insecurity about who you are and lack of belief in
yourself
-
Inability to open yourself to others and inability
to trust others
-
Inability to make decisions because of confusion and
fear of making a mistake or of disappointing others
-
Anxiety in the face of the need to change and the
fear of change
-
Inability to have spontaneous fun or the inability
to play for relaxation and pleasure
-
Problems in establishing intimacy with others and
problems in interpersonal relationships
-
Lack of objectivity and openness to a variety of
alternatives in decision making, and a tendency to resort to "black and
white'' judgments
-
Problems in handling anger, either by denying its
impact on one's life or by not being able to control it, thereby
experiencing chronic hostility
-
Chronically affected by the need for approval and
acceptance by others; affected by the fear of abandonment, fear of
rejection, and disapproval
-
Excessive use of masks to hide true feelings; the
use of exaggeration and lies in order to avoid conflict or disagreements
-
Inability to take direction from or to be controlled
by others, rather to seek to control self and manage or direct others
-
Chronic seeking out of others for whom one can feel
responsible
-
Inability to feel like one has done "good enough''
on the job or at home; a tendency to be a workaholic
-
Inability to say one deserves "good things'' in
one's life; a tendency to always place self last
-
Chronic sense of depression, discomfort, or
inadequacy
-
Chronic sense of feeling different from others;
keeping away and isolating oneself from others
-
Inability to reward oneself for one's own goodness
and accomplishments
-
Addiction to novelty, challenge, differences, risks,
thrills
-
Addictive
or compulsive behavior. e.g., alcoholism, chemical
dependency, food, gambling, sex, excitement, money, shopping, smoking
-
Being overly serious, unable to see humor in one's
plight as a human being
-
An overriding sense of guilt and inadequacy
-
Inability to forgive and to forget past harms and
hurts from others
-
Meeting others with similar problems and matching up
with them in relationships
-
Inability to let go of problems, such as fear,
guilt, anger, or other negative aspects in one's life
-
Inability to tune into one's own feelings, but
usually able to identify and to be sensitive to the feelings of others
-
Inability to face one's problems and the need to
change, a tendency to use denial
-
Overreacting to things and acting impulsively, often
getting oneself into problem situations which need lots of work to
straighten out
-
Can be meticulous, fastidious, over demanding, and
perfectionistic; or can be slovenly, lackadaisical, and irresponsible
-
Can become frustrated when realizing the magnitude
of problems and the immensity of effort required to solve them
-
Often looks quite successful, happy, contents,
healthy, and together to others; it comes as a shock to self and others that
one actually has a problem and needs help
Low self-esteem as a illness
Low self-esteem meets the criteria for an illness or disease because:
Low
self-esteem is uncontrollable in nature: People with low self-esteem feel insecure. They are
not sure what normal is, and they are not comfortable with themselves or with
others. They are experiencing behavior over which they have no control, just as
a person with cancer has no control over the cancer. This uncontrollable nature
of the behavior makes it an illness; therefore, the behavior is "sick''
behavior.
Symptoms
of low self-esteem have commonality and
predictability: There is a commonality between people who behave this way
based on their families of origin or current relationships, and there is a
degree of predictability surrounding these behavior patterns. Commonality and
predictability of the symptom behavior make it an illness and a condition to be
treated as such.
Low
self-esteem's life cycle is describable:
There is a describable and predicable pattern of the
life cycle in persons with this condition. This pattern of life cycle makes it
understandable as an illness or a disease, just like heart disease or cancer.
Low self-esteem is related to other diseases:
One of the negative side effects of low self-esteem is that its victims often
suffer high stress illnesses, such as ulcers, colitis, high blood pressure,
heart disease, and cancer. Because there are other diseases related to this
behavior, it fits the definition of an illness or disease.
Low
self-esteem can be treated: There are definite treatment modalities, which, if
applied, can lessen the symptomatology of these problems. Because it is
susceptible to amelioration by an applied treatment, it fits the definition of
an illness or disease.
Transgenerational transmission of low
self-esteem: Low self-esteem as a state or being can be handed down and
transmitted across generations. The ability to cross generations makes this an
illness or disease that is highly contagious.
Low
self-esteem is described in terms of severity of condition: This condition can be described in terms of degree
of severity, just as a physical illness or disease. This is another reason why
it is described and treated as an illness or disease.
Some conditions of low self-esteem are resistant
to treatment: Certain strains of low self-esteem can be resistant to
treatment or amelioration and, as such, require more dramatic interventions.
Because these behaviors are not always amenable to a stereotyped treatment, it
is an illness requiring an individualized approach to treatment.
Low self-esteem is
a progressive condition: There is a course in the history of the
illness from (1) incubation, (2) acute stage, (3) chronic state, (4) expiration.
Because there is a progressive nature to this condition it fits into the illness
or disease model for consideration, discussion, and treatment planning.
Low self-esteem can be a terminal condition,
resulting in death through suicide, murder, accident, alcoholism, drug abuse,
food disorder, heart disease, cancer, stroke, or some other form of physical
breakdown. Because it can be terminal, it fits the description of an illness or
disease.
Steps to overcoming low self-esteem
Step 1:
Before you can take steps to clear up your case of low self-esteem, you
must first find out its impact on you. Complete the Self-Esteem
Inventory. Then read the Model of Self-Esteem
to get a better understanding of concept of self-esteem.
Then
answer the following question in your recovery journal: What
is the impact of low self-esteem on your life, and at what level do you have
the condition?
Step 2:
If your rating on the Self-Esteem Inventory
was at the mild level or higher, proceed. Answer the following questions in your
journal:
1. How is my
life a reflection of the definition or codependent
described in this chapter? What is the level of severity of this condition on my
lifestyle?
2. How are the three major
symptoms of codependency, described present in my life?
3. How does my behavior reflect my belief in the
scarcity principle, which says my life is better than what I've been used to, so
I should be satisfied with what I've got?
4. What medical complication of low self-esteem have
I had, do I have, or do I have a propensity for having?
5. What are the specific negative
lifestyle consequences of my condition?
6. What specific characteristics of my background,
my previous history of relationships, my family of origin, and my previous work
history make me a candidate for low self-esteem
7.
On which specific symptomatic behavior traits of low
self-esteem do I feel no control?
8.
At what stage of the illness of low self-esteem do I
believe I am? Why?
9.
What steps have I taken to address the low self-esteem
symptomatic behavior traits which I possess? How successful were these behavior
traits treated, ameliorated, or cured?
Step 3:
Now that you have a full description of your low self-esteem condition,
answer the next ten questions in your journal to clarify your motivation to
change or to treat your current behavior patterns:
1.
How comfortable am I with the term "codependency?''
If I don't like the term, which term would be more acceptable to encourage me to
get help for myself? Neurotic? Insecure?
2.
How comfortable am I with the concept of my behavior
traits being described as symptoms of an illness? If I don't feel comfortable
describing my behavior as "sick,'' what term would be more acceptable to
motivate me to change?
3. How
comfortable am I with looking at my family of origin, schools I attended, work
environments as the sources of my current problems? What alternative explanation
of the origin of my problems is more acceptable to motivate me to get help?
4.
How comfortable am I in looking at my problems? Do I
deny their existence, both now and in the past? What steps am I willing to take
to overcome denial of my problems?
5.
How comfortable am I in expressing or experiencing
my feelings regarding my problems? What would I prefer to have happen in order
to help me address my problem behavior? What alternatives are offered to me in
my circumstance? What if there aren't any?
6.
How angry am I getting in just reading this material
and in answering there questions? What does this anger tell me about the
presence of low self-esteem in my life.?
7.
How guilty do I feel about the inference that my
parents' or spouse's problems are a root of my current problems? How can I
change this perception to a non- accusative, healing approach to treat my
problems?
8.
How easy is it for me to accept the reality that
everyone does the best they can, given their level of knowledge and awareness of
their problems; and that no one purposefully sets out to screw up or to make
other people sick? What other rational beliefs so I need to develop in order to
give myself permission to pursue the remediation of my low self-esteem?
9.
How comfortable am I in accepting that I need help
for my "sick'' behavior when I have or am currently living with someone whom I
believe to be really sick with alcoholism, compulsive eating disorders, drug
abuse, compulsive gambling, or other compulsive disorders? What can be done to
assist me in overcoming my loss of pride in order to accept my need for help?
10.
What will my future look like if I don't get help
for my low self-esteem? What can be done to fully motivate me to get help for
myself now?
Hopefully, answering these ten questions has
motivated you to accept yourself as a person with low self-esteem who is in need
of help and support. Go to Step 4.
Step 4:
Once you have accepted the fact that you need help to treat your low self-esteem
condition, try some of the following pathways. One, two, or more of them in
combination may be "just what the doctor ordered'' for your specific condition:
1.Enter into a support group which accepts the
principles and philosophy of the Self-Esteem
Seeker's Anonymous (SEA's) Program of recovery.
2.
Enter into individual, marital, or family counseling
with a licensed or certified mental health counselor.
3.
Use the Tools for Coping Series as a self-help
guide to reorganize your life.
4.
Enter a 12 step program of recovery such as
Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, Over-eaters
Anonymous or Alanon to address your compulsive behavior..
5.
Enter into a support group for adult children of
alcoholics (ACOA).
6.Read other self-help literature
7.
Enter an alcohol, chemical dependency, or eating
disorders residential or outpatient treatment program to address your compulsive
problems.
8.
Attend workshops or seminars on overcoming codependency
and dysfunctional environmental issues.
Step 5:
Once you have used the helping strategies in Step 4, you should be on the
road to recovery from your low self-esteem. If you still feel stuck and not
fully motivated to change, return to Step 1 and begin again.
|
Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
Email: