Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
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| Behavior Pattern | Feels Guilty About |
| Looking good | not doing enough or being "good enough'' to make things better in the environment |
| Acting-out | the bad things they do that get them into trouble |
| Pulling-In | not being acceptable to the other members of the environment |
| Entertaining | not providing enough relief to the environment |
| Enabling | not being able to solve the problems in the environment |
| Troubled Person | the problems they have that cause the others grief and pain |
| Rescuing | not being able to help enough to save others from pain and hurt |
| People pleasing | not being "good enough'' to make other people happy |
| Nonfeeling | not being able to feel or to express feelings |
Other rules in unhealthy environments include:
Every member of the environment should experience
anger but should stifle it or stuff it in.
Every environment member should have low self-esteem.
Every environment member should feel insecure,
uncomfortable, and off balance.
There should be incomplete, unsatisfactory, poor
communication between environment members.
Honesty and candor should be stifled for the sake of
peace and harmony in the environment.
Everyone should always be on guard, and they should
always prove their worth to each other.
No one should be given acceptance unconditionally.
They should only receive acceptance and love based on meeting specific
conditions or expectations.
No one is allowed to give up their expected or
anticipated role, personality trait, or behavioral pattern they have adopted
in the environment.
Do not say anything to anyone else unless it is
nice, pleasant, and non-confrontational.
Avoid conflicts at all costs; lie if you must to
avoid conflicts.
Every environment member should stifle, control, and
keep their feelings to themselves.
Adults are the only ones who know anything; the
input of children is useless.
Do not change anything in the environment, the goal
of the environment is to maintain the status quo.
There are taboo topics never to be discussed in this
environment. These topics include sex, drugs, alcohol, birth control,
quarreling among the members, and the excessive or compulsive behavior of
individual environment members.
Someone has to feel like a winner after any
disagreement, argument, or fight; there should never be a complete
resolution of these events.
No one has permission to grow or change in this environment.
The outside world should see this environment only
as the "perfect, all American'' environment.
There is no need to hold back physical or emotional
punishment if someone has done wrong. All wrong doers deserve to be
punished.
Each environment member plays an expected role in
the environment; this provides the environment with some sense and order.
rejection
hurt
disapproval
pain
lack of acceptance
guilt
lack of support
disillusionment
being blamed
anger
being put down
lack of success
being appeased
loneliness
being ignored
fear
being scolded
uncared for
being victimized
worthless
being inadequate
restless
overresponsibility
confusion
irresponsibility
disappointment
failure
anxiety
fear of conflict
insecurity
hungry for attention
scared
indifference toward others
worried
off balance
ugly
Here is an activity you can do with your friends or support group that will allow you all to experience feelings present in dysfunctional and unhealthy environments. Try this role-playing activity whenever you or one of your friends or support group members needs to see a three-dimensional reproduction of a dysfunctional environment. This can give the insight needed for change in behavior, feelings, and attitudes in order to pursue healthier behavior in your current life.
Environmental Role-Play Activity
DIRECTIONS:
1. Choose different people to play the role of each member of your
environment.
2.
Tell each player their name, what relationship they are to you (e.g.,
co-worker, supervisor, manager, father, mother, brother, sister, etc.) and what
role or attitude they brought to the environment using the roles for
environmental role playing.
3. Choose people to play the "sick'' behavior, dead or absent people, responsibilities, or other relevant issues in the environment.
4. Ask each of the players to assume a position that is appropriate to their role.
5.
Ask them to hold the positions for about five minutes, and then ask each
one of them how it feels to be in that role.
6.
Now ask them to re-enact a specific time in your life in the specific
environment which you are role-playing, that you remember graphically and that
seems to lie at the basis of a current feeling of pain or hurt.
7.
As this aspect of your life is re-enacted, tune into your feelings. With
the help of your group, try to figure out what those feelings tell you and what
you need to work on to attain healthy life.
8.
It is useful to have a professional mental health counselor or
psychodramatist lead this role-playing activity so that all involved can obtain
the optimal benefit from the experience.
Roles
for Environmental Role Playing
| Roles | Non-verbal Script |
| Looking good or rescuing or people-pleasing: keeps the other person from getting mad, hurt, angry, etc. Always agrees with others, says yes to everything. | Get down on one knee and put one arm up, raised in supplication, and the other arm crossed over your heart. Feel wobbly. Be sure your head is up high enough so your neck is stretched back. |
| Troubled person or enabling: Fault finding, acting superior, a dictator, a boss, being disagreeable. | Point your finger accusingly with arm outstretched. Hold the other arm behind you. Have one foot forward so that your body is in an "attack'' position. |
| Nonfeeling or pulling-Bin: ultra-reasonable, always very correct, showing no feelings. Always calm, cool and collected. Their goal is to never make a mistake. | Keep everything about you as motionless as possible. Try hard to keep perfectly stiff and tight. Straighten up your back and stand erect. Head and chin up. Look perfect! |
| Entertaining or acting-out: does or says things that are irrelevant. | Act like a lopsided top. Keep busy moving your body, arms and legs. Let your body go in different directions. |
| Non-communicator | Back to back with person who is speaking. Fold your arms across your chest. |
| Authoritarian | Remain standing, arms folded, while person who is talking with them is either kneeling or is physically below them. |
| Childlike perspective | Kneel on floor, looking at world from this height. Hold arms up in order to make a request from any adult. |
| Indifference or rejection | Look over the person's shoulder with whom you are communicating breaking eye contact. |
| Attention seeking | Tug at shirt or arm of person from whom you are seeking attention. |
| Acceptance | Get at eye level, and sustain eye contact with person with whom you are speaking. If the other person is a child, use a chair or squat down in order to remain at eye level. |
| Non-listener | Put your hands over your ears. |
| Person with a "sick'' behavior | Place someone behind this person who hangs on the back, representing the sick behavior that that person carries. |
| Victim | Kneel, hang head down, focus eyes on ground. |
| Responsibility | Have a different person represent each thing for which a person feels responsible or obligated. Hang each person onto that person by holding on to an arm, hand, leg, neck, shoulder, or foot. |
| Dead, missing or divorced person | Have a person hang on the back of another person upon whom the missing person's influence is still at work. |
| Close-knit members | Form tightly knit circle, linking arms together. |
| Distance between members | Stand at least six feet or more away from each other. |
| Supportive | Put hand on shoulder of person being supported. |
| Denial, secret keeping, or ignoring problems | Hold hands in front of face so that you can't see. |
| Mask | Smile a big Cheshire cat smile. Look happy no matter what happens in family! |
1. Was your school environment unhealthy and dysfunctional?
In your journal answer these questions:
1. List each of the schools you attended in your life and target a school environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you
2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target school.
3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target school.
4.
List the following information for members of your
target school that you remember:
What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior
they had or currently have
What "roles'' they played in the dysfunctional
school setting
How they
appeared to the world
What physical characteristics made them stand out in your school
5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your school mates experienced from being in this school environment.
6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target school.
7. List how each member handled guilt.
8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target school.
9. List those feelings that:
you experienced in your target school when you were
there
you experience when you return "home'' to visit with
your target school
you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.
10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional school.
11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.
2. Was your work environment unhealthy and dysfunctional?
In your journal answer these questions:
1. List each of the places of employment you worked at in your life and target a work environment which you think was unhealthy and dysfunctional for you
2. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments were true for the target work place.
3. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your target work place.
4. List the following information for members of your
target work place that you remember:
What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior
they had or currently have
What "roles'' they played in the dysfunctional work
setting
How they
appeared to the world
What physical characteristics made them stand out in your work setting
5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior your work mates experienced from being in this work environment.
6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your target work place.
7. List how each member handled guilt.
8. List the hidden feelings each member was most likely experiencing in your target work place.
9. List those feelings that:
you experienced in your target work place when you
were there
you experience when you return "home'' to visit with
your target work place
you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.
10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being involved in your target dysfunctional target work place.
11. List the signs of the need for help for you in order to redirect your life to better health.
3. Was you family unhealthy or dysfunctional?
In your journal answer these questions:
1. Supply the following information
for yourself
Father's name and age he married mom
Mother's name and age she married dad
Brothers' names and birth dates
Sisters' names and birth dates
Names and birth dates of any relatives who lived
with your family of origin
Date parents married
Date parents divorced (if they did)
Date parent(s) died (if they did)
What parent(s) died of
Age parent(s) died
Date parent(s) remarried (if they did)
Names of stepparent(s) (if they exist)
2. List the following
information for each of your family members:
What "sick,'' unhealthy, or maladaptive behavior
they had or currently have
What "roles'' they played in the family
How they
appeared to the world
What physical characteristics made them stand out in
your family
For the list of you and your siblings
educational accomplishments
work history and current career status
marital history and current family make up
What physical illnesses or conditions each family
member may have
If any family members have died, when did they and why did they die?
3. List which characteristics of unhealthy or dysfunctional families were true for your family of origin.
4. List which conditions of unhealthy or dysfunctional environments existed in your family.
5. List the negative consequences or unproductive behavior each of your family members experienced from living in your family.
6. List what rules of unhealthy environments were true for your family of origin.
7. List how each family member handled guilt.
8. List the hidden feelings each family member was most likely experiencing in your family of origin.
9. List those feelings that:
you experienced in your family of origin when you
lived in it
you experience when you return "home'' to visit with
your family of origin
you are currently experiencing as you work on this exercise.
10. List which of your current problem personality traits you believe are the result of being reared in your dysfunctional family.
11. List which of your current problem behavior traits are also current problem behavior traits for your parents and siblings.
12. List the signs of the need for help for you and your family members in order to redirect your lives to better health.
13. Compare your family of origin with the families of origin of your father and mother. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by these three families.
14. Compare your family of origin with your current nuclear family. List the similarities of dysfunctional elements shared by your two families.
15. Compare your family of origin with the family of origin of your current spouse (if you are married) or with the family of origin of your former spouse(s). List the similarities of dysfunction shared by your family of origin, current family, and the family of your spouse(s).
16. Look at your spouse (current or former) and list the dysfunctional elements that the spouse brought to your relationship. Compare them to the dysfunctional elements you brought to the relationship.
17. What was it about your spouse(s) that attracted you? How aware were you both of the dysfunctional elements in both of your backgrounds before getting involved with each other? How would knowing this information have influenced your decision to get involved? How did your individual backgrounds influence your relationship together?
18. What age were you when you first realized there were problems: (1) in
your family of origin, (2) in your marital relationship, (3) in your current
family? What were the signs of trouble? How did you deal or cope with the
problem? What problems are still causing you stress and trouble today?
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Laying
the Foundation
Coping.org
is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
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