 Growing Down:
Tools for Healing the Inner Child
Overcoming Invisibility
Content:
What is invisibility?
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Way in which you have been able to hide yourself
from others and yourself.
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Act of avoiding conflict by not letting others know
your reaction to what is going on even if you disagree or are unhappy with
it.
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Disassociation from your feelings about what is
happening when it is unpleasant.
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Pulling in of your feelings and reactions so that
you do not become a target for another verbal, emotional, physical or sexual
abuse.
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Keeping yourself out of touch with your own
feelings, responses and reactions to life events so that you are not sure of
who you really are.
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Ignoring of your inner child so that you are not
aware of your inner spirit's joy and excitement about living.
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Pulling in of your emotions and feelings in reaction
to any unpleasant stimuli in your environment.
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Set of behaviors which you may have used to avoid
being drawn into the real or perceived problems in your environment.
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Way in which you have avoided being a "victim''
of the real or perceived threats in your environment.
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Defense mechanism or survival tactic you developed
in your childhood in order to deal with the shame, guilt, hurt and pain you
suffered.
The following are a few
invisibility mechanisms.
Masks: Wearing masks is a way in which you can
hide your real self such as:
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Meticulous dressing, the "Fashion Plate''
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Excessively made up, the "Makeup Artist''
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Excessive work on body shape the "Body
Perfect''
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Obsessive politeness the "Miss Manners''
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Excessive obesity the "The Blob''
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Wearing drab colors the "The Glumstress''
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Taking on all challenges the "The
Overachiever''
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Excessive risk taking the "The
Daredevil''
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Obsessiveness to detail the "The
Perfectionist''
People pleasing Always giving people what they want in order to
please them, gain their approval, and avoid conflict makes the real you
invisible.
Entertaining Being the "life of the party,'' always making
jokes, being the clown, and making everybody happy can keep the sensitive,
feeling, emotional you unseen and unknown.
Withdrawal Holding back any emotional response to any and/or
all stimuli in your environment guarantees no one will get to know how you feel
about anything.
Looking good Being sure you always look "good'' by
overachieving, working hard, being perfect, and doing only what appears to be
the right thing keeps your real self hidden.
Pulling in or nonfeeling Holding in or
not feeling emotional responses to the stimuli in your environment keeps you
invisible from yourself and others.
Enabling, rescuing,
fixing, caretaker
By always focusing your attention and energies on the needs of others,
you keep the focus off of yourself to the point that you can't identify anything
you need to work on yourself since you are so out of touch with who you are.
Passive aggressiveness Going along with requests, directions, or orders of
others when you disagree and have no desire to follow through makes your real
intentions invisible to others. They
can only know how you really feel by how you behave rather than what you say.
Jumping to negative assumptions By always assuming the worst about others'
intentions toward you, you give them power over you so that you end up hiding
your true self from them and thus become invisible to avoid the assumed
calamities.
Manipulation In order to get people to do what you want them to
do for you no matter what, you may use a great deal of manipulative behaviors.
If used excessively, they can result in your becoming invisible in order
to continue the "con games'' and "lies'' required to keep up the
manipulative act.
Acting out, troubled
person Being a troubled
person who draws attention to your negative behaviors can result in your real
self who is vulnerable, sensitive, and needy being invisible to others and
yourself.
Rational beliefs needed to overcome invisibility
In order to overcome
invisibility, you need to acquire the following rational, healthy and reality based
beliefs about yourself.
Self deservedness
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I deserve to be visible to myself and others.
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I deserve to have my needs and wants known.
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I deserve to have and express my own feelings.
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I deserve to expect others to listen to and respect
the expression of my feelings.
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I deserve to be seen and heard.
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I deserve to be who I am not who others want me to
be.
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I deserve to accomplish my own goals in life.
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I deserve a chance to use my strengths,
competencies, skills and abilities to their fullest.
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I deserve to love and to be loved.
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I deserve to say "no'' if I want to.
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I deserve to see myself for who I really am rather
than who I think I should be.
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I deserve to take care of me and my body in a
reasonably healthy manner.
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I deserve to refuse to allow others to violate me in
anyway.
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I deserve to be me.
Self worth
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I am worthy of being visible to others.
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I am a worthwhile human being.
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I am worth the effort to work on myself.
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I am worth the time spent on "fixing'' myself
so that I no longer hide from others or myself.
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I am worthy of being loved by others.
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My feelings and thoughts are worthy of others'
respect and understanding.
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I am worthy of being listened to and being
understood.
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I am worth the conflicts which will arise when
people disagree with my opinions.
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I am worth the efforts to make myself visible to
others no matter the outcome.
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I am worth the trouble I will cause by letting my
true self be seen and heard.
Self confidence
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I am confident that I will be able to let others see
and hear me.
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I will be able to do what it takes to become
visible.
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I will be able to take the risks necessary to stop
hiding from others and myself.
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I know I can do it.
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I can accomplish this work of overcoming my
invisibility because I deserve it and I am worth it.
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I can survive the conflicts, disagreements and
fights which will result from my becoming more visible to others.
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Nothing can justify my holding back in my efforts to
be seen and heard as I really am.
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I can take whatever actions are necessary, be they
legal, moral, ethical, or financial, in order to ensure that I am able to
cease hiding and being invisible to others and myself.
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I may fail in my initial attempts but I will prevail
in my efforts to make myself visible.
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If I slip back into invisibility, I will get "back
on the wagon'' and begin all over again to make myself seen and heard.
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I will use assertiveness in my efforts and I will be
successful in getting my rights protected and respected.
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I have been invisible too long and my inner child
and I will prevail in this effort to overcome our dysfunctional past.
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I will feel my feelings and I will be able to
express them freely with no fear of the consequences.
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I have a right to my own feelings and I have all the
confidence in myself that I will be able not only to identify them but to
express them to others and myself.
-
I will no longer need to resort to any forms of
invisibility in the future in my dealings with others and myself.
How to overcome invisibility
In order to overcome
invisibility you need to:
First:
Identify what forms of invisibility you use in your life and the
rationale for their use.
Second:
Get in touch honestly with who you are and identify all of your
strengths, skills, competencies, and abilities so that you can gain some belief
in yourself.
Third:
Bolster yourself in self deservedness, self worth, and self confidence
through re-parenting, identifying
feelings, and mirror work.
Fourth:
Once your self deservedness, self worth, and self confidence are
bolstered, you then need to use healthy
communications, detachment, assertiveness,
and anger confrontation to let others and
yourself see who you really are and hear how you really feel.
Fifth: Continuously exercise your right to
be fully visible in order for you and your life to become fully authentic, real,
and healthy so that your inner child can be healed and listened to from
Steps to overcoming invisibility
Step 1:
You first need to identify what forms of invisibility you use in your
life. You also need to identify what irrational beliefs and feelings are the
reason you rely on this form of invisibility. The following are the forms of
invisibility identified in this Chapter. Noted after each form are the
references in the Tools for Coping Series which give detailed
descriptions and guidelines to overcome these forms of invisibility. Your task
is to identify the forms you use and, for each form you check, work out in your
journal the steps to overcoming the particular form as identified in the
referenced text.
Masks Tools for Handling Control Issues,
Tempering Survival Behaviors and Tools
for Anger Workout, Stop Self-destructive
Anger Responses.
People pleasing Laying the Foundation, People
Pleasing Personality and Rewriting Old
Personality Scripts.
Entertaining Laying the Foundation, Entertaining
Personality and Rewriting Old Personality
Scripts.
Withdrawal Tools for Anger Workout, Silent
Withdrawal.
Looking good
Laying the Foundation, Looking
Good Personality and Rewriting Old
Personality Scripts.
Pulling in or nonfeeling
Laying the Foundation, Pulling
In Personality, Nonfeeling Personality,
and Rewriting Old Personality Scripts.
Enabling, Rescuing, Fixing, Caretaker
Laying the Foundation, Enabling
Personality, Rescuing Personality,
and Rewriting Old Personality Scripts.
and Tools for Handling Control Issues,
Overcoming the Need to Fix, and Eliminating Caretaker
Behaviors.
Passive aggressiveness
Tools for Anger Workout, Eliminating
Passive Aggressiveness.
Jumping to negative assumptions
Tools for Anger Workout, Stop
Jumping to Negative Assumptions.
Manipulation Tools for Handling Control Issues,
Eliminating Manipulation.
Acting out, troubled person
Laying the Foundation, Acting
Out Personality, Troubled Person Personality,
and Rewriting Old Personality Scripts.
Step 2:
Once you have identified the forms of invisibility you use and work out
the steps to overcoming each one of them, you then need to identify your
positive strengths, skills, competencies, and abilities so as to fortify
yourself for the tasks ahead involved in making yourself visible.
Step 3:
Once you have completed Step 2 you are ready to bolster yourself to
become more visible.
Use the self deservedness, self worth and self
confidence affirmations in this chapter and for the next thirty days use Mirror
Work, Re-Parenting, and The
Feelings Log to bolster you and your inner child's sense of self
deservedness, self worth and self confidence to become more visible to others
and yourself.
Step 4:
Now that you believe and feel that you are deserving, worthy, and
confident to be visible to others and yourself, begin to practice visibility. To
do this, use the following tools available to you in the Tools For Coping
Series
For improved communications, use Tools
for Communications
For improved assertive relationships use
Tools for Relationships
For improved ways of handling anger, use
Tools for Anger Workout
For improved ways of dealing with the need to
control and be controlled by others, use Tools
for Handling Control Issues
Step 5:
As you make you and your inner child more visible to others and yourself,
you will experience increased self-esteem. If you should falter and relapse into
being invisible, return to Step 1 and begin again.
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