Introduction

The two of us conducted the SEA's Program - a 12 Step program known as Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous every Wednesday night from 1985 until 1997. This program was conducted for Jim's clients in his private practice. Each week in the SEA's program one of four rotating themes was covered in an experiential way. The four weekly themes were:

A system to overcome anxiety, panic attacks, and stress by rewriting old irrational beliefs into realistic, reality based, rational statements.

A system to work out old and current anger issues so as to gain emotional release by getting the anger out in healthy ways.

A system for self-healing once you have released anger or when you are feeling alone, forgotten, or abandoned.

A system for letting go of the need to control other people, places, things or conditions which are out of your control to change, fix, or correct.

These four themes are systems of recovery which when taken together assist people to overcome the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem and thus grow in mature, rational, and growth enhancing self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth.

The TEA System of Recovery

Click on figure to see it larger, then click on Back Button on Browser to get back to this screen

When you are in recovery from the behavioral consequences of low self-esteem, the Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous Program's tools for recovery are based on the SEA's TEA System.

First, you need to analyze your thoughts about your life and identify all irrational and unrealistic beliefs, thinking, or ideas which are at the root of your low self-esteem and problems in your life. Once you have identified the "sick'' thoughts, then you need to replace them with healthier, more rational, and realistic thinking, beliefs, and ideas. It is at this point that you begin to develop daily self-affirmations which encourage you on the road to recovery from low self-esteem.

Second, after your thoughts have become healthier, more rational, and realistic, you then need to identify all of your "sick'' emotions and feelings which were based on your old "sick'' thoughts and then integrate your ``new'' healthier thoughts with your emotions and feelings. That way you have healthier, more rational and realistic emotional and feeling responses to your life and you begin to feel better about yourself and your ability to handle your own problems. It is at this point that you work at incorporating the self-affirmations you have been telling yourself and experience feelings of self-confidence, self-worth, and self-deservedness.

Third, only after you have altered your "sick'' thoughts and ``sick'' emotions can you change your "sick'' actions and behaviors. Once you have developed a healthier, more rational, and realistic thinking and emotional life, you can take actions and exhibit behaviors which are healthier, more rational and realistic and result in improved self-esteem and healthier life coping.

WARNING: You cannot change your actions or behaviors before you have changed your emotional and feeling responses to life. When people change their actions because it is the ``correct'' thing to do without feelings which go along with them, then their recovery falls flat and dies. You need to change your thoughts and emotions before your actions become "authentic'' and have greater "staying'' power.

Why Growing Down-Tools for Healing Inner Child

To ensure a greater sense of recovery from low self-esteem, the metaphor of an "inner child'' is utilized in the SEA's Program so that you can direct your emotional work on that inner part of you, your inner spirit or inner voice which you have for too long neglected, ignored, or forgotten. The inner child is the emotional part of you which you may have stuffed or hidden when you were young. Rather than having the full array of emotions or feelings of childhood you may have been a "little adult'' who grew up too fast for your chronological age. Your emotional life may have been stunted as a result of this "growing up'' process.

In order to begin to feel "good enough'' you must be able to feel the full array of feelings and not just the "black'' anger and "white'' happy ones. You may not currently believe, feel or act in ways which promote your healthy self-esteem. You may not like you enough to take care of yourself. The metaphor of "inner child'' allows you to take care of someone smaller, more fragile, and needier than you - the little child within you. If you can't take the time to make the "adult you'' feel "good enough'' maybe you will be willing to help the "child you'' feel better.

Where will you gain the strength to take care of the inner you? In the SEA's program of recovery it is our belief that our Higher Power provides the spiritual strength it takes to take care of our inner children. It is through the joining of our inner spirit with the spirit of our Higher Power do we gain the serenity and peace needed to free the pain, hurt, sadness, and grief inside of us. By working with our Higher Power we are able to let go and hand over our negative feelings, memories, and images so that we can replace them with positive affirmations, visualizations and actions which help us move forward in self-esteem.

Growing down is the term we use to symbolize the movement back to a feelings enriched life. In this new life we experience the joy of being alive, living one day at a time with no fear or dread of the future. In this growing down we awaken our creative spirit so that we can again enjoy playing, having fun, and relaxing. Growing down is a way in which we can prevent burnout of the spirit which can lead to relapse of the negative behavioral consequences of low self-esteem. Growing down is a set of activities which helps us to let go of our premature "idealized adult view'' of life so that we can again see life through the eyes of a child imbued with hope, enthusiasm, and excitement. Growing down is a way to learn to "live'' again rather than just exist. Growing down is a set of activities to change the "sick adult'' ways of thinking, feeling, and acting into a "healthy child'' way.

Organization of the material in this book

1. Growing Down Self-Assessment is to help you rediscover the inner child you have for too long forgotten, ignored or abandoned.

4. specific "child-healing'' activities you can perform to give vent to the child within you:

This book was written to be a reference text to supplement the eight books in the original Tools for Coping Series. It can stand alone as the manual for treatment programs whose primary focus is on healing the inner child.

It is our hope you will find Growing Down a useful tool for your inner healing and self-esteem growth. Best of luck in your use of this work. We are so happy to make this openly available to all adults who want to heal themselves by use of the internet on our website: www.coping.org.

Special Dedication

The author of these words aptly describes the influence of Uncle Chuck on our two lives. He was surrogate dad, father-in-law, grandfather and cheerleader to our family. His infectious laughter, sense of humor and comic wit touched our "inner children'' so dearly throughout our lives. It is fitting that we dedicated this book on healing the inner child to a person famous for this joke:

We love you Uncle Chuck and miss you. May your spirit reign within us through our Inner Child work.

About the Authors

James J. Messina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Tampa, Florida. He is the co-founder and past president of the American Mental Health Counselors Association (AMHCA) and past chairman of the National Academy of Certified Clinical Mental Health Counselors (NACCMHC). He is also a past board member of American Association of Counseling and Development (AACD) and the National Board of Certified Counselors (NBCC). He is the past recipient of the AMHCA Counselor of the Year and the AACD Professional Development Award. He has authored Marriage Work-Out and twenty other books and numerous journal and professional articles.

The Tools for Coping Series began to be written in 1985 after Jim began his own personal recovery program. He has field tested all of the materials in a twelve step support program he conducts in his private practice.

Constance G. Messina, Ph.D. is a wife, mother, professional teacher and specialist in exceptional education and co-therapist and editor of the SEA's program and Tools-for-Coping Series. She also is the author of I AM A GOOD STUDENT a study skills program on www.coping.org

Acknowledgement

Beginning in October 1989 we conducted therapeutic workshops for Jim's clients and for other professional therapists. We've field tested these "Growing Down'' activities in these workshops. We've also used these activities in the SEA's meetings in Jim's practice since 1985. We want to thank the participants in the workshops and our clients and friends in the SEA's program who have field tested this material. Their input, feedback and critique have contributed to clarifying, streamlining and simplifying this book.

Out thanks to our editor, Mary McNamara, for her thoroughness and command of the English language. We also thank Annette Kemp who has translated our volumes of notes into a readable manuscript.

Lastly, our thanks to our family and friends for supporting us as we ventured into this collaborative enterprise.

Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child