Coping.org: Tools for Coping with Life's Stressors

Home
Up
Introduction
Assessment
Inner Child
Dump Garbage
Feelings
Shame & Guilt
Self-forgiveness
Unconditional Love
Affirmations
Mirror Work
Reparenting
Invisibility
Boundaries
Vizualizations
Having Fun
Child Play
Movement
Games
Creativity
Child Books

Growing Down: Tools for Healing the Inner Child

Self-Forgiveness

Content:

 

What is self-forgiveness?

Self-forgiving is:

  • Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.

  • Letting go of self anger for your past failures, errors, and mistakes.

  • No longer needing penance, sorrow, and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.

  • The act of self love after you have admitted your failure, mistake, or misdeed.

  • The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self rejection, quieting the sense of failure, and lightening the burden of guilt.

  • The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses.

Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness

In the absence of self forgiveness, you run the risk of:

  • Unresolved hurt, pain, and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.

  • Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.

  • Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.

  • Being caught up in unresolved self anger, self hatred and self blaming.

  • Defensive and distant behavior with others.

  • Pessimism, negativity, and non-growth oriented behavior.

  • Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self healing.

  • Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.

  • Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non approval, low self-esteem, and low self worth.

Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness

Lack of self forgiveness can result in:

  • A loss of love for yourself.

  • Indifference toward yourself and your needs.

  • An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.

  • Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.

  • Disrespectful treatment of self.

  • Self-destructive behaviors.

  • Self-pitying.

  • Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors, and offenses.

  • Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs when they are accepting of you.

  • Chronic depression.

  • Chronic hostility, sarcasm, and cynicism.

  • Self name calling, belittling, and self demeaning behaviors.

  • Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.

  • Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.

Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness

  • I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?

  • No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.

  • I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?

  • I must be inherently evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.

  • I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?

  • It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.

  • There are some things I can never forgive myself for.

  • Only God can forgive me, though at times I don't believe He can for what I have done.

  • What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.

  • I have done too much for which I can never be forgiven.

  • I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.

  • I do not deserve any self kindness, self compassion, or self forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I'll see to it that I am never able to forget it!

  • All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.

  • I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.

  • If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved, or cared for.

New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness

In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:

  • Letting go of past hurt and pain.

  • Trusting in your goodness.

  • Trusting in the goodness and mercy of your Higher Power to take over the burden for you.

  • Letting go and letting your Higher Power lead you during a hurtful time.

  • Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of your Higher Power.

  • Letting go of fears for the future.

  • Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.

  • Taking a risk.

  • Letting go of self hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.

  • Working out your self anger.

  • Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.

  • Developing a personal spirituality.

  • Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.

  • Developing trust in yourself.

  • Open, honest, and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains, and offenses experienced.

  • Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.

Steps to develop self-forgiveness

Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.

A. What do you mean by "self forgiveness''?

B.  Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?

C.  Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?

D.  What role do you feel self forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?

E.   How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?

F.   What are the signs of the absence of self forgiveness in your relationship with your: (1) family of origin, (2) current family, (3) significant others, (4) spouse, (5) children, (6) parents, (7) relatives, (8) friends, (9) coworkers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors, or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?

G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?

H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?

I.  What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?

J.  For what do you need to forgive yourself?

Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error, or misdeed.

A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed, or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.

B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability, and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?

C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?

D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser, or rescuer?

E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?

F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self worth?

G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?

H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?

I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?

J. How can you forgive yourself?

K. How can you put this incident behind you?

L How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?

Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error, or event, use this self forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self anger, self blaming, self hatred, self disgust, and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.

Self Forgiveness Mirror Script

  • I forgive you for (the past event).

  • You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.

  • You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.

  • This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.

  • You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.

  • You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).

  • You are a good person. I love you.

  • You deserve my understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.

  • You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).

  • Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.

  • I love seeing you, talking to you, and listening to you.

  • You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect, and self deservedness.

  • There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.

  • You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.

  • You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.

  • You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.

  • You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).

  • You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.

  • You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self anger, and self hatred over to our Higher Power.

  • I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain, and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.

  • I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).

  • I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.

  • I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.

  • You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.

  • Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.

  • You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self growth.

Step 4:  Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3 addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting self or others for which you need to forgive yourself.

Step 5:  When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.

 

 

Coping.org is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,  Email: jjmess@tampabay.rr.com  ©1999-2007 James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance Messina, Ph.D.  Note: Original materials on this site may be reproduced for your personal, educational, or noncommercial use as long as you credit the authors and website.