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Vulnerable
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 Tools
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Becoming Vulnerable
Content:
What
is vulnerability?
Vulnerability
is:
-
Feeling
of being exposed to emotional hurt, being taken advantage of, or abused.
-
Feeling
of being fragile, weak, or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
-
Feeling
of being trapped or imprisoned in a situation where your feelings and rights
are ignored.
-
Opening
of oneself to the possibility of being taken advantage of by another person
in a relationship.
-
Relating
of your innermost feelings and fears to others with the possibility that
they might use such feelings and fears against you.
-
Opening
of yourself to the possibility of growing as a person in your emotional and
spiritual dimensions.
-
Allowing
of oneself to search and probe the past for hidden or unresolved emotions,
feelings, or grief responses that lie at the root of current immobilized
emotions, feelings, or actions.
-
Trying
out of new behavior traits, attitudes, or beliefs in the pursuit of personal
growth.
-
Unrelenting
pursuit of truth and clarity about self through the requesting, encouraging,
and welcoming of honest feedback about oneself, even if such feedback is
negative.
-
Willingness
to take chances and try new experiences, challenges, or activities even
though the outcome is unsure.
Why
do people avoid being vulnerable?
Reasons
people avoid being vulnerable include:
-
Basic
self-survival
-
Basic
insecurity and lack of self-confidence
-
Lack
of trust in self and others
-
Fear
of the unknown or of uncharted waters
-
Lack
of forgiveness and inability to forget past hurts, injustices, and pain
-
An
overwhelming need for personal privacy and confidentiality, (illustrating
insecurity)
-
Denial,
unresolved grief, self-deceit, lack of personal awareness, or refusal to
face life the way it is.
-
Discomfort
with change, lack of acceptance of change, and unwillingness to change
-
Unwillingness
to unmask one's true emotions or reactions to life
-
Lack
of acceptance of self for who I am, what I am able to do, and who I am able
to be
How
does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
How
does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
-
Constantly
being on the offensive, attacking, blaming, or correcting others; keeping
the spotlight on others and off themselves.
-
Avoiding
participation in any form of "helping'' situation, such as an emotional
support group, individual, or family counseling.
-
"Looking
good'' and wearing a mask of "strength'' and "togetherness.''
-
Pleasing
or placating others to keep their true moods, feelings, or pain from being
probed.
-
Closing
others out or shutting down themselves to put emotions on the rocks,
freezing themselves.
-
Silence,
a lack of feedback to others, non-communicativeness, keeping true feelings
hidden.
-
Lacking
emotional language, lacking the ability to tune into their own feelings of
discomfort in emotionally laden conversations.
-
Shyness,
a hesitancy to meet new people, being a ``wall flower'' in social gatherings
due to fear of rejection or fear of disapproval.
-
Resistance
to change, to altering habitual patterns of behavior, or to looking at
things in life from a different perspective.
-
Playing
games that involve knowing the rules of body language in every form of
social interaction, with the resultant performance of routines and scripts
that fit the ``game.''
What
are some beliefs of people who avoid being vulnerable?
-
Never
let anyone know how you feel!
-
Always
be strong in your interactions with others!
-
Men
never cry!
-
Being
over-emotional is a feminine trait that
leads to becoming an hysteric!
-
I
am never going to let my guard down again!
-
I
may be down, but I'll never let them know it.!
-
I
have been hurt by others in the past, and I'll never let others hurt me
again!
-
Spilling
the beans (of my emotions) is always risky business!
-
You
are bound to get hurt if you open yourself up to another person.
-
Dragging
up the past serves no purpose.
-
It
is nobody's business how I feel!
-
No
one should have the right to probe into my emotions or feelings!
-
Nothing
can help me overcome the pain I feel!
-
I
mind my own business and expect others to mind their own business!
-
The
old way of doing things is the best way!
-
Maintain
the status quo!
-
Trust
no one!
-
I
have no problems and even if I did, I'd never tell anyone!
-
There
is nothing to be gained by my breaking down emotionally!
-
No
one respects a weak person!
-
I
don't care how you live your life and I expect you to not care how I live
mine.
What
are some benefits of vulnerable behavior?
The
following vulnerable behavioral traits can be beneficial:
Being
open to new possibilities in life
enables you to explore your options more freely and to gain insight into the
healthiest and most productive, growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself.
Being
helped
through a support group or counseling situation enables you to gain assistance,
helping you cope with your life and circumstances that have had some emotional
impact on your mental health adjustment.
Opening
yourself up
to ``new'' social circumstances enables you to meet new people who have the
potential of becoming true emotional supports.
Not
always pleasing or placating others,
letting them see your negative side, enables you to feel less responsible for
everyone elses' welfare and takes the sense of burden out of your life.
Not
always being a ``do for'' person,
letting
others accept the responsibility to do for themselves, enables you to lift the
weight of obligation out of your life. You can enjoy being with people, not
feeling burdened or tied down by them.
Using
healthy communication,
with good give and take enables you to clarify areas in which you need to
grow, to change, improve, and strengthen your relationships.
Being
open to deal with emotional issues
gives you a chance to identify the blocked feelings and beliefs that have
prevented you from enjoying full health and well-being.
Letting
others into your "emotional life space" enables you the opportunity to experience an
authentic, supportive, growth-enhancing
relationship.
Tuning
into your own feelings
enables you to recognize your personal humanity and gives you a healthy
perspective of yourself, your problems, and your place in life. It enables you
to be focused realistically as you face your problems and concerns.
Being open to change and
altering your behavior patterns gives you the chance to rid yourself of
unproductive and maladaptive habits that impede your emotional health and
personal growth.
What
behavior traits will help you open yourself to vulnerability?
-
Trying
new behaviors
-
Taking
a risk
-
Initiating
contact with strangers
-
Tuning
into feelings of others and yourself
-
Willingness
to get help for yourself
-
Being
open to receiving help and support from others
-
Being
honest with others and yourself when it would be easier to lie in order to
avoid conflict
-
Accepting
change when it comes your way
-
Looking
for deeper reasons or motives for your own behavior
-
Self-disclosure of your weaknesses to others
-
Being
direct and precise about your feelings, beliefs, and attitudes when
discussing them
-
Willingness
to listen to honest feedback
-
Dealing
with anger in a productive, non-offensive manner
-
Letting
go of fears that impede your movement toward others
-
Letting
go of guilt or remorse over the past
-
Letting
go of hostility, bitterness, and resentment toward others for past hurts
-
Development
of trust in others' good will
-
Willingness
to be seen as weak or emotional
-
Accepting
your humanness, failures, and mistakes as OK
-
Understanding
the reasons you are risking vulnerability
-
Feeling
secure enough to admit your failings, mistakes, and losses
Steps
to increase your ability to be vulnerable and grow
Step
1: Read the material in this section, then answer the
following questions in your journal:
a. Do you believe that being vulnerable makes you a candidate for personal
growth? What are your reasons for this belief?
b.
Do you resist or avoid being in a growth situation in which you feel
vulnerable? What are some of your reasons for avoiding being vulnerable?
c. What behavior traits illustrate your avoidance of vulnerability?
d.
What beliefs lead you to avoid vulnerability and growth?
e. What behavior traits need to be developed in order to be vulnerable and
grow?
Step
2: Now that you have identified your avoidance of
vulnerability in Step 1, answer the following questions in your journal:
a.
What feedback do you get from others in your life that indicates that
you resist being placed in a vulnerable position?
b.
What are some reasons from your past that account for your avoiding
being placed in a vulnerable position?
c.
What replacement beliefs do you need in order to allow yourself to
become vulnerable to grow?
d.
What are some steps you can take to develop new behavior traits that
open you to being vulnerable to grow?
e.
What are some positive consequences of becoming more vulnerable to
grow?
f.
What is your action plan for growth in which being vulnerable is
essential?
Step
3: Implement the action plan in Step 2. Are you able to open
yourself to becoming more vulnerable to personal growth?
Step
4: If you still find yourself avoiding becoming vulnerable
to growth, try the following activity:
A
Tale of Two People
a. Write a short autobiography, telling your life story from the perspective
of another person, one who is closed off from others to avoid being vulnerable.
b. Write a second short autobiography, telling your life history, but this
time from the perspective of you freely opening yourself, being vulnerable to
grow. Discuss your relationships, work, family, and community activities.
c.
Compare your stories and answer the following questions:
(1)
Which person is more successful in life?
(2)
Which person is more appealing to you?
(3)
Which person is more appealing to others?
(4)
What are the benefits to being either (1) open to being vulnerable or (2)
closed to being vulnerable?
(5)
Which story is more true of the current you?
(6)
Which story do you want to be more true of you?
(7)
What steps do you need to take to make the more successful story real for
you?
(8)
What obstacles stand in your way of achieving the success story?
(9)
From whom do you need help in order to achieve your success story?
(10)
What changes in your life are necessary for the success story to become
true for you?
Step
5: If you find yourself
unable to become vulnerable after completing Steps 1 through 4, return to Step 1
and begin again.
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