Trust

People need to develop the following behavior traits, attitudes, and beliefs in order to develop trust:

Hope in the goodness of mankind: Without such hope people can become emotionally stuck, reclusive, and isolated. Hope in goodness is a change based on the willingness to take a risk that all people are not evil, bad, or ill-willed.

Faith in the fairness of life: This faith in fairness is similar to the ``boomerang belief,'' that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest, or nurturing they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually ``get it in the end!'' and be punished in someway later in this life or in the next.

Belief in a power greater than yourself: This is the acceptance of a spiritual power with greater strength, wisdom, and knowledge than you; one with a divine plan to include your experience, whatever you will encounter in life. Rather than believing that you are 100% in control of your destiny, belief in this spiritual power enables you to let go of over responsibility, guilt, and anger. This lets you accept God's will in your life and enables you to let go of your distrust and isolation from others. If God is in control of the universe, you can lighten your load and let God do some of the leading in your life. `"Let go and let God,'' can be your motto.

A healing environment: This is the creating of a trust bond with the significant others in your personal life where blaming, accusing, and acrimony do not exist. In the healing mode the participants actively use forgiveness, understanding, and healthy communication to resolve problems and issues. The participants are then willing to forget, to let go, and to release themselves of the past hurts, wounds, and pain, opening themselves to trust one another.

Reduction of a sense of competition: This reducing of competition, jealousy, and defensiveness with significant others in your life is a way to reduce the barriers between you and them. The lowering of these psychological barriers is essential to the movement toward development of mutual trust.

Self-disclosure of negative self-scripts: Your disclosing of your inability to feel good about yourself and your perceived lack of healthy self-esteem are essential in reducing miscommunication or misunderstanding between you and the significant others in your life. This self-disclosure reveals to the others your perspective on obstacles you believe you bring to relationships. This sheds the mask of self-defensiveness and allows the other to know you as you know yourself. It is easier to trust that which is real than that which is unreal or hidden.

Taking a risk to be open to others: This enables you to become a real person to others. It is an essential behavior in trust-building between two people because it is the establishing of the parameters of strengths and weaknesses on which you have to draw as the relationship develops.

Becoming vulnerable: This enables you to be hurt by others who know your weaknesses and strengths. This is an essential step in trust-building between people. It lays the cards on the table in a gamble that in such total self-revelation the others will accept you for who you really are rather than for who they want you to be. In order to get to full self-disclosure you must take the risk to be vulnerable to others. This is an important building block in trust development.

Letting go of fear: Fear restricts your actions with others. Letting go frees you of behavioral constraints that can immobilize your emotional development. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of caring, fear of success, fear of being hurt, fear of the unknown, and fear of intimacy are blocks to the development of trust relationships and can impede relationship growth if not given appropriate attention and remedial action.

Self-acceptance: Accepting who you are and what your potential is an important step in letting down your guard enough to develop a trusting relationship with others. If you are so insecure in your identity that you are unable to accept yourself first, how can you achieve the self-revelation necessary to develop trust? Self-acceptance through an active program of self-affirmation and self-love is a key to the development of trust.

What steps can be taken to improve trust building?

Step 1: Read the material in this section and answer the following questions in your journal:

a. Am I lacking trust in persons, groups, or institutions? If yes, in which persons, groups, or institutions do I lack trust? How does this lack of trust manifest itself? This lack of trust looks like:

b. Why do I lack trust in the persons, groups, or institutions listed in ``a?''

c. What beliefs do I hold that are behind my lack of trust in the persons, groups, or institutions listed in ``a?''

d. What new behavior trait(s) do I need to acquire or develop in order to develop trust in the person, group, or institution listed in ``a?''

Step 2: Now you should have a good idea of where your lack of trust lies. Why is this so? To change some beliefs and to remediate this situation:

a. Take the beliefs in Step 1c and use the Tools for Personal Growth ``refuting Irrational Beliefs'' model to get replacement beliefs. Let go of the old beliefs.

b. Take the new behavior listed in Step 1d, and use the Self-affirmation process in Tools for Personal Growth to make the new beliefs real for you.

Step 3: Once you have let go of your irrational beliefs and have begun affirming new personal beliefs, try one or both of the following exercises to assist your development of trust:

a. Letter writing: To a person you have problems trusting, write a letter listing your reasons for the lack of trust, list the feelings and beliefs that block your trust, and ask the person to understand and assist you in this problem. Tell the person what you are willing to do and to commit to in order to change this situation. Also, tell the person what you are unwilling to do because of your personal integrity. Once you have written the letter you have three choices: (1) send it, (2) save it, or (3) rip it up and throw it away. No matter what your choice is, you have spent the time to think out this problem and have identified your feelings, beliefs, and the behavior involved. You have cleared your own ``air waves,'' even if you never send the letter.

b. Trust walk: Ask the individual you have been having problems trusting to share at least ninety minutes together. During this time you and the person will each take thirty minute turns being "blinded'' with a cloth and led by the "sighted'' person on a walk in a park, mall, neighborhood, or building. The sighted person must give clear, precise verbal instructions and must not hold on to or grab the "blinded'' person. The ``blinded'' person is allowed only to hold on to the left upper or lower arm or elbow of the "sighted'' person. The "blinded'' person can ask as many questions as needed. The "blinded'' person does not determine the route of the walk. The "sighted'' guide determines the route and destination of this walk. At the end of the first thirty minute walk, the two people exchange roles and blindfold and proceed with the second part of the walk for another thirty minutes.

When both parties have played both roles, they should spend at least another thirty minutes discussing:

(11) What does this experience tell me about my fear of loss of personal control?

(12) What does this experience tell us about changes we need to make to develop mutual trust?

(13) How willing are we to take a trust-walk once a month or until we have established a healthy level of trust in one another?

Step 4: If after completing Steps 1, 2, and 3 you still have problems developing trust in a person, group, or institution, return to Step 1 and begin again.

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Tools for Personal Growth

Building Trust

What is trust?

Why do people have trouble developing trust in others?

What are some beliefs of people who have problems trusting?

What behavioral traits do people need in order to develop trust?

What steps can be taken to improve trust building?