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Self-esteem
Irrational Beliefs
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Insecurity
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 Tools
for Personal Growth
Handling Insecurity
Content:
What is insecurity?
Insecurity is:
-
Feeling
of not being ``good enough'' to meet the challenge of a situation you face
in life.
-
Sense
of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict, or concerns.
-
Belief
that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.
-
Fear
of being discovered as inadequate, ill fitted, or unsuited to meet
responsibilities at home, school, or on the job.
-
Sense
of not fitting in, being ``out of synch'' with those in your peer group.
-
Perception
that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet
not clearly understood.
-
Sense
of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.
-
Sense
of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work, or play.
-
Results
from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved, or rejected.
-
Inner
turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are
going, what your goals are, and what responses are appropriate for events in
life.
Why are people insecure?
Insecure people may have:
-
Been
raised in a chaotic, unpredictable, or volatile environment in which they
were kept off balance, on guard, or on edge.
-
Experienced
a major tragedy or loss in their lives and are having a difficult time in
accepting this loss and adjusting to the ``change.''
-
Experienced
a major ``failure'' in life (e.g., divorce, losing a job, bankruptcy,
failure in school, losing a friend, lack of acceptance into social or civic
groups, etc.) that led them to question their personal competency.
-
A
poorly developed self-concept with low self-esteem,
lacking belief in their personal goodness, skills, or abilities.
-
Never
felt accepted by the ``others'' in their life, so much so that they became
chronically shy, retiring, and withdrawn in their interactions.
-
Had
an unrealistic list of rules and expectations prescribed by significant
others in their life, rules they are striving to meet even in their current
life.
-
A
poor body image, making them believe that others see them in a negative
light. This makes them self-conscious, tense, and anxious in
dealing with others.
-
Never
received enough positive reinforcement or feedback from others about their
talents and abilities, leaving them unclear as to their skills.
-
Been
given very little direction, guidance, or discipline in their earlier lives
leaving them unable to cope with the current pressures of life.
-
Always
felt overshadowed or overlooked due to the people in their lives who seemed
to be more successful, smarter, prettier, more handsome, more athletic,
higher achievers, getting much attention. This can foster doubt in an
insecure person's ability to gain recognition for their successes, and can
make them doubt their ability to achieve success.
What do chronically insecure people believe?
-
I
can never accomplish the task facing me!
-
Everybody
is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of myself!
-
I
am a failure!
-
I
am ugly and awful to look at!
-
I
can never win. I am a loser.
-
What
is the sense of trying, I'll never get it right!
-
No
matter how hard I work to achieve, I never get any recognition!
-
I
am incompetent in everything.
-
How
could anybody ever say anything good about me?
-
I
failed them in the past; therefore, I am a failure today!
-
Once
a failure, always a failure!
-
There
is only one direction for me to go in this organization and that is down and
out!
-
No
one could ever like, respect, or accept me!
-
I
don't deserve to be treated nicely!
-
I
don't fit in here or anywhere else for that matter!
-
Everyone
else looks so good, so together; I feel so out of it compared to them!
-
I
am an incomplete person and will always be that way!
-
I
am so afraid that no one will like me!
-
Why
would anyone care to hear what I say, how I feel, or what I think?
-
People
are just nice to you in order to use you and get something they want from
you!
What are some negative effects of insecurity?
People who are insecure can:
-
Have
difficulties in establishing healthy, long-lasting relationships.
-
Be
perceived incorrectly by others as being snobbish or uppity; therefore,
they are avoided due to the others' misperceptions.
-
Become
victims of fears that impair their freedom of action or choice.
-
Be
candidates for paranoia feeling "others'' are out to get them.
-
Scare
others away from them by their defensive attitude.
-
Be
over-controlled emotionally, having problems letting others in on their
emotions. This can lead others to guess what is going on until the
passivity of the insecure person leads to an over-reaction by the others,
resulting in conflict or rejection.
-
Have
problems on the job or in school when they have the knowledge, skills and
abilities to do a task efficiently but are told to do it in a different,
less effective manner. They get so uptight about the job and are fearful
of standing up for what they believe that they get angry, hostile, and
resentful until they either quit or succeed in submerging their emotions.
-
Get
passed over for promotions, advances, or honors because they are so quiet
about what it is they do. This leads the insecure persons to feel more
unaccepted, unappreciated, and under-valued.
-
Have
problems meeting people and often can become debilitated socially by
chronic shyness.
How can insecurity be overcome?
In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:
-
Be
willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.
-
Take
risks to change their current behavior.
-
Trust
others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability and the
possibility of being hurt.
-
Have
a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their
exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.
-
Take
a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer
inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.
-
Practice
assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the acknowledgment of
their rights.
-
Arouse
the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success and
overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced,
they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction
in their self-goodness and worth.
-
Break
the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind and
reach out to others. Breaking out of their ``shells'' requires letting go of
past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life.
-
Open
themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment. Visualize or
make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth
direction.
-
Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on
their strengths, attributes, skills, and competencies.
What steps can people take to handle insecurity?
Step
1: Read over the material in Sections I through V, then
answer the following questions in your journal:
a.
What behavior traits signal my insecurity?
b.
What happened in my past to make me insecure?
c.
What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?
d.
What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my
insecurity?
e.
What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my
insecurity?
Step
2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it?
Answer the following questions in your journal:
a.
What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would indicate
security in myself?
b.
What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behavior
traits in my life?
c.
What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit
secure behavior in my life?
d.
How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?
e.
What is my action plan to develop security in my life?
f.
What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?
g.
How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-confidence
and security?
Step
3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in
your journal as you go through each stage of handling your insecurity.
Step
4: The following project is designed to help you develop
secure behavior by learning about yourself through the eyes of the others in
your life. (Make it smaller or larger as you see fit.)
"Overcoming
Insecurity" Collage
Ask
at least six close friends and/or relatives to assist you in making a collage.
Tell them you have been assigned to make a collage about yourself for school,
work, or a club project. All collages must be 2 x 3 feet. The collage
must be completed within two weeks of the time you ask your friends and/or
relatives to help you. Ask them to send you magazine pictures, sayings,
articles, photos, prizes, trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc.,
indicative of the various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge,
virtues, competencies, or abilities you possess. Ask them to send a short
explanation with each item they send you. Ask each person to send at least ten
items.
Once
you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage fashion. On the back
of the collage paste the explanations for the items.
Share
your collage with your friends, family, and helpers. Explain each item on the
collage, and explain that they have helped you overcome some of your personal
insecurity by giving accurate and honest feedback on reasons why you should feel
secure and good about yourself.
Step
5: If you are still feeling insecure after completing Steps
1 through 4, review the material, return to Step 1, and begin again.
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