• The loss process can last anywhere from three months to three years.

• These stages of grief are normal and are to be expected.

• It is healthier to accept these stages and recognize them for what they are rather than to fight them off or to ignore them.

• Working out each stage of the loss response ensures a return to emotional health and adaptive functioning.

• Getting outside support and help during the grieving process will assist in gaining objectivity and understanding.

Stage 1.      Denial

• We deny that the loss has occurred.

• We ignore the signs of the loss.

We begin to use:

• Magical thinking  believing  by magic this loss will go away

• Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be OK.

• Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.

• Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.

• Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the loss.

Stage 2.      Bargaining

• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves 

• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away

• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away.

• We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.

• We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.

• We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers.

We begin to:

• Shop around believing we look for the ``right'' agent with the ``cure'' for our loss.

• Gamble believing we can take chances on ``cures'' for our loss.

• Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally, and physically to get to an answer or ``cure'' for our loss.

• Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a ``cure'' to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.

Stage 3.      Anger 

• We become angry with God, with ourselves, or with others over our loss.

• We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.

• We pick out ``scapegoats'' on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies, rehabilitation specialists, etc.

We begin to use:

• Self-blaming believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.

• Switching blame believing we should blame others for this loss.

• Blaming the victim believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.

• Aggressive anger believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.

• Resentment believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event including the victim.

Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will become "Anger in" leading to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.

 

Stage 4.      Despair

• We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain, and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.

• We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing, and weeping.

• We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking, and deep melancholy.

We can begin to experience:

• Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.

• Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived ``bad past,'' deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.

• Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.

• Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in the goodness and mercy of God and mankind.

We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness,  divorce/separation, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection of the family member who has experienced the loss, and detachment, poor bonding, or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.

 

Stage 5.      Acceptance