 Tools
for Handling Loss
Letting Go
Content:
What is letting go
Letting go is:
-
A
decision to take an action that will result in a significant change in your
life or in the lives of others.
-
Taking
a risk to change the status quo.
-
Releasing
yourself or others from a real or perceived guilt-arousing obligation.
-
Freeing
yourself or others to be themselves without fear of rejection or
disapproval.
-
Granting
to others the personal responsibility for their own lives.
What are some types of letting go?
Letting
Go of Guilt:
Decreasing
the impact of guilt as a motivator for your behavior.
Letting
Go of Grief:
Accepting
the changes resulting from a loss.
Letting
Go of Dependency:
Accepting
personal responsibility for your life and releasing others from their sense of
responsibility to you and for you.
Letting
Go of Over-Responsibility:
Handing
the responsibility to others for their lives and encouraging them to accept the
consequences of their actions.
Letting
Go of Resistance to Change:
Facing
the changes in your life that are the inevitable result of your being a member
of the human race.
Letting
Go of Fear:
Desensitizing
yourself to real or imagined stimuli that induce fear in your life.
Letting
Go of Anger:
Being
able to express negative feelings in a healthy way with both your rights and the
rights of others being respected and protected.
Letting
Go of Denial:
Facing
life's realities with an open, straightforward approach and accepting the
natural consequences of change in your life.
Letting
Go of a Loved one to Death:
Releasing
your grasp on a loved one who is suffering pain and discomfort and who wants
peace and respite from their suffering. It is the unselfish act of encouraging
the loved one to ``take care of yourself; don't worry about us.''
It is the joy and peace you gain by recognizing that your loved one will
be in a better place after death.
Letting
Go of Life:
Making the final decision or choice that death is a
reward for your virtuous life; to struggle on to live will result in a reduced,
minimal, or non-existent quality of life. It's the pulling away from others to
prepare them to accept your death.
What are some obstacles to letting go?
The irrational
beliefs that "If
I let go... then:
Fear
of rejection or loss of approval of others: If
I let go...
-
They
won't like or love me.
-
They
will judge me badly.
-
They
will never do anything I ask of them again.
-
They
will be angry with me.
-
There
is no one else in this world who will accept me.
Fear
of the unknown: If I let go ?
-
What
will life be without my loved one?
-
What
is on the other side of death?
-
How
will I fill the void left by the loss?
-
What
will happen?
-
How
can I survive?
Avoidance
of guilt: If I let go they will ?
-
Never
survive the loss of me in their life.
-
Falter
and maybe fail.
-
Suffer
pain and hurt.
-
Feel
badly and possibly turn against me.
-
Blame
me for their problems.
Over-responsibility:
I can't let go because?
-
They
can't make it without me.
-
They
need me.
-
I
must take care of them.
-
I
have so many people I must help.
-
There
is too much I have to do.
Fear
of conflict: If I let go ?
-
They
will be angry at me.
-
I
will have to defend my action to others.
-
I
must be certain it is the right thing to do first.
-
I
won't be able to defend the decision.
-
What
price will I have to pay in response to others' reactions to my decision?
Over-dependence:
If I let go of dependence on you ?
-
I
can't go on.
-
My
life would be void and empty.
-
Who
will take care of me?
-
I
will never be happy again.
-
How
will I be able to have my needs fulfilled?
Unwillingness
to express true emotion:
-
You'll
know how I really feel and what my real needs are or I'll not let go.
-
It
is more important for me to be macho and strong than to let go and let my
feelings out.
-
If
you see how I really feel by my letting go, I will become vulnerable and
possibly taken advantage of.
-
If
I let go of my anger I might be able to forgive and forget hurtful, uncaring
and painful experiences in my life, and I can't afford to forget these
things.
-
In
order to let go I have to be in touch with negative feelings that I never
allow myself to experience.
Fear
of being disloyal or unfaithful:
-
f
I let go of you, you might feel like I no longer care about you.
-
If
I let go of you, you might believe that I have found others with whom I am
replacing you in my life.
-
If
I let go and let you struggle on your own in life, you may feel that I don't
care anymore.
-
I
never want you to hurt, so I won't let go.
-
I
must protect you no matter what, so I will not let go.
Lack
of belief in self:
-
I
could never survive if I let you go.
-
I
am worthless without you, so I can't let you go.
-
I
can do nothing right in life; I need you so much that I can't let you go.
-
There
is no way they would ever let me continue to succeed if I let go.
-
I am incompetent and have never been able to make a
decision, so how can I let go
now?
What are some dynamics in the letting-go process when
there are two or more people involved?
Holding
on-Pushing Away:
If
one person is ready to let go of the relationship through death, divorce, moving
away, or quitting and he/she senses that the other is ``hanging on.'' there is
the possibility of the ``pushing away'' and the ``holding on'' phenomenon. In
the ``pushing away'' process the person, even though he/she sincerely loves the
other, can resort to such uncharacteristic behavior as snapping at them,
ignoring them or arguing with them. In the ``holding on'' process the other,
even though she/he sincerely loves the person, can resort to self pity,
pleading, begging and self flagellation in order to keep the person from letting
go. This often occurs in the dying process where the patient is gravely ill and
the ``holder on'' rationally knows the other person will be better off in death
but irrationally pleads for the patient to hang on.
Guilt:
The
``letting go'' party sometimes feels so guilt-ridden in letting go of the other
that he/she requests a complete cessation of communication so as not to hear
about the consequences of the letting-go process to that person.
Unresolved Grief:
The
``holder on'' is so intent on hanging on to the other person who is ``gone''
that he/she begins a chronic state of unresolved grief over the loss event.
Pleading:
The
"holder on,'' so desperate for the person to hang on, cries out for help by
acts of irrational proportion designed to pluck at the heart strings of the
other to hang on just a little more, e.g., "Give me one more chance,'' "I
promise I'll do better next time,'' "I promise I'll change and reform myself,''
"I can't live without you,'' "I'll kill myself if you go.''
Reassurance Other will be OK:
The
letting-go party hangs on and on until he/she is convinced that those "hanging
on'' will be cared for once they do let go. However, this results in the person
or the relationship surviving much longer than what would be necessary or even
reasonably expected.
Adjustment Post Lost:
The
"holder on'' is lost once the person does "let go'' because they are
challenged to survive in life without the other person. The "holder on'' can
make a successful adjustment and become more independent, resourceful, and
personally responsible in her/his own life. A less successful outcome is the
``holder on'' collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief, and maladaptive
behavior. The "holder on'' in either case needs assistance and support
initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to
decide which outcome they want for their life. It is a personal choice of the
"holder on'' how they will adjust to the person's letting go.
What are some steps to help you let go?
Step 1.
Decide what type of "letting go'' is needed in the problem with which
you are dealing:
What is needed to be let go of?
___ Guilt
___ Fear (name the fear)
___ Grief
___ Anger
___ Dependency
___ Denial
___ Over-responsibility
___ Loved one to death
___ Resistance to change
___ Life
___ Other (name or describe it)
Step
2. Once you have identified what type of letting go is
needed, then decide what are the obstacles to your letting go. Identify the
following in your journal:
-
Irrational
beliefs (list them)
-
Fear
of unknown
-
Avoidance
of guilt
-
Over-responsibility
-
Fear
of conflict
-
Over-dependence
-
Unwillingness
to express true emotion
-
Fear
of being disloyal or unfaithful
-
Lack
of belief in self
Step 3.
Once you have identified the obstacles to letting go, take the steps
described in Productive Problem Solving, On Becoming a Risk
Taker, and Handling Irrational Beliefs in Tools for
Personal Growth, in the Tools for Coping Series.
Step 4. If
you are still having problems try one or more of these ideas to stimulate your
letting go:
A.
Write a eulogy to the person in your life whom you need to let go of in death.
In the eulogy emphasize their positive contributions to others in their life and
capture their goodness, zest for life, and energy. Once you have completed this
task, you may recognize that the person wanted you
to let go. If they had lived, they would never have been as productive
and would have never enjoyed life as much as they once had.
B. Write
your own eulogy if you are having problems considering your letting go of life
when the time comes. By reviewing your own life, you may recognize the need to
let go once its quality is diminished due to terminal or severely debilitating
illness.
C.
Write
a will and the plans for your funeral service. This will remind you of your
mortality and the need for you to keep your priorities in life clear.
D. Write
a "twenty-years-from-now'' autobiography of yourself, emphasizing the changes
in your life then if you let go of:
(1) guilt
(2) grief
(3) dependency
(4) over-responsibility
(5) resistance to
change
(6) fear
(7) anger
(8) denial
(9) any other
unhealthy behavior in your current life
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