 Tools
for Handling Loss
Introduction & Prologue
Content:
Tools
for Handling Loss Special Dedication
To
the memory of Dr. Gloria Phillips (1925-1986), my close friend, colleague, and
courageous role model of handling loss in life. The letting go of my grief over
her death has given me the strength and power to change my life in a myriad of
ways. This material was written in the first three months after Gloria's death
as a means to assist myself in my grief over my loss of her in this life time.
The
Goal of Tools for Handling Loss
In
the next nine sections you will be exploring the loss experiences of adulthood;
what the stages of the grieving process are; how to handle denial, bargaining,
anger and despair; how to arrive at acceptance through the letting go process,
and how to handle death.
It
is not important or necessary for you to accept the term ``dysfunctional
family'' to describe your family of origin if you are in need of the material in
this book. If you are in need of dealing with the losses in your life then it is
important to recognize the normal, necessary and painful steps you need to take
to come to full acceptance and resignation in order to carry on with life.
What
is important is to recognize that losses are a common phenomenon in life and
they have an impact on your life. What is important for you to do with this book
is to use the ``Steps to'' procedures in each section to come to a positive
restructuring of your thinking, believing, feeling, and behaving in response to
any loss in life. The sections are written in a format to identify processes
necessary to accept change in your life. This book will not be a useful tool for
you unless you do the work prescribed in each section and work faithfully in
your daily journal writing.
Prologue
to Tools for Handling Loss
I
cried when I realized that I had lost my childhood while trying to play the
adult to my mother, the dysfunctional child. In my naive way I had thought that
my sacrifice would somehow save her.
I
cried when I married and found out that the fantasy family I had always dreamed
of could never be.
I
cried when my only child was born with a developmental disability, even though I
had hoped and prayed that my child would be able to have a better life than I
had had.
I
cried when my mother died, not because I would miss her, but because of all the
words I wanted to say, all the things I wanted to get off my chest that she
would never hear.
I
cried when my marriage finally collapsed. My chance at finding true happiness in
my lifetime was lost.
And
now I cry, the tears streaming down my cheeks, because in the mirror I see the
bitter, unhappy person I've become. I cry because I know I'm acting
dysfunctionally more and more, because I know I'm relying on compulsive behavior
more and more just to get me through the day. I cry because I feel myself
becoming the person my mother was, a person I always hated and despised. I also
cry because for the first time in my life I see that I must learn to stop
denying my hurt and pain. I must acknowledge my right to feel anger and despair,
to accept my terrible losses as they are, and to finally ``let go'' of the
misery and pain that they bring to my life. I welcome the changes that this
``letting go'' will bring. I know that if I cannot do this, the next loss I will
cry for will be my own.
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