Tools
for Communication
Improving Responding Communication Skills
Content:
What are effective responses for healthy
communication?
Effective responses for healthy communication are those perceived as being
empathetic, caring, warm, and thoughtful. The eight responses listed 1 through 8
are in the order of most effective to least effective. Remember, however, that
each of these responses could be effective depending on the context in which it
was used.
Study each response, including the examples. Which responses would be most
likely to create healthy interpersonal relationships? Repair damaged
relationships?
1. Understanding:
An understanding response is most likely to create a climate where honest,
frank communication can occur. It is a feelings–oriented response which
conveys sensitivity and understanding. Strong negative feelings can become a
barrier to communication; this response can diminish those feelings.
Understanding is empathy, i.e., accurately tuning in to what the other person
is feeling at the time. It implies listening beyond the words and reflecting
the feelings.
Understanding Response Examples:
- You're feeling discouraged and wonder what's the use.
- You're offended and angry.
- You're excited over your new assignment.
- You seem pleased to have been selected.
By focusing on others' feelings you are recognizing them as individuals,
persons worthy of your concern. This type of response can reduce hostile
feelings in normal persons. It can also be used with persons when they are
over–emotional, crying, fearful, etc., to get beyond those feelings, or
reactions. Understanding or empathy can repair a damaged relationship.
2. Clarification:
The clarification response indicates your intent to comprehend what the
other is saying or to identify the most significant feelings that are
emerging. It indicates that what others are saying is important and you are
checking it out to ensure your perceptions. This can be done in several ways:
echoing the last few words spoken, summarizing the points that seem most
relevant, or paraphrasing. A response of this nature can be followed
profitably by a period of silence. This gives the others a chance to draw
thoughts together or to correct your impression. Clarification responses
reinforce your desire to see from the other's point of view.
Clarification Response Examples:
- I gather that you were able to manage your married life before your
baby was born.
- You seem to be saying that you were happier in California and that
you would like to go back there.
- Let's see, what you want to do is find a more challenging job?
- If I hear you correctly, you are saying that you could devise a
better way of doing this.
This response is useful in reducing hostility. It not only encourages the
others to explain more fully, but also serves to focus the discussion,
especially when followed by silence on your part. It gives the others a chance
to draw their thoughts together and to take responsibility for coming up with
their own ideas. Another use for clarification responses is to stall for time
to think of a more appropriate response.
3. Self–disclosure:
Self–disclosure shows your attempts to give others insight into who you
are. It is sharing something about yourself that relates directly to the
conversation: your personal beliefs, attitudes, values, or an event from your
past. Self–disclosure can reduce anxiety by reassuring others that they are
not alone in their feelings or fears.
Self-disclosure Response Examples:
- When we had our son the doctor treated us that way, too!
- I have always believed that it was better to keep my mouth shut when
my parents were fighting.
- Like you, I never felt as if anyone accepted me for the way I was.
- When I was younger kids always made fun of my weight, the clothes I
wore; I know what it is like to stand out in a crowd.
Self–disclosure is useful in connecting with another person who has
similar problems or life concerns. In peer support groups this lets newcomers
know that they have come to the right place, that there are people here who
have experienced similar problems. Over–use of this response is not helpful
because it focuses attention on the wrong person. It can be viewed as an
attention–getting device. Use sparingly for the best effect.
4. Questioning:
Like it sounds, the question response seeks to elicit information. It
allows others to develop a point. Open questions focus on the others' general
situation, thoughts, reactions, and feelings. They tend to promote
communication. Closed questions focus on specific facts or aspects of the
others situation, generally evoking ``yes'' or ``no'' answers.
Questioning Response Examples:
- Do you get along well with your boss? (closed)
- Can you tell me about your boss? (open)
- Do you like the new house? (closed)
- What do you like about the new house? (open)
- Is this confusing you? (closed)
- What is it that's confusing you? (open)
Open questions are recommended for exploring a broad topic. Closed
questions can be interspersed to get to specific facts or can be used to cut
off long, irrelevant explanations. In either case, listening to the answer,
both what is said and what is left unsaid, is vital to the questioning
process. Caution is needed with questions beginning with ``why.'' They
pressure the other for an explanation and can cause resentment. ``Why''
questions can seem to express disapproval, being perceived as a cut–down or
criticism.
5. Information giving:
Information giving involves relating facts in an objective manner without
judgement or evaluation. It leaves the other person free to accept or reject
the facts. It allows the other to take responsibility for using the
information. This response is useful in giving both positive and negative
feedback (confrontation). The others relate only to what has actually occurred
and the effect that this has had. Words such as ``always,'' ``never,''
``should,'' ``ought,'' are only used in setting limits. (The facts about what
must or must not be done, time frames, and limitations.)
Information giving Response Examples:
- This project has a time frame of six weeks and should not exceed a
budget of $850.
- Children at every level need touching and nurturing to develop self–worth.
- The support group can be used to meet others dealing with similar
problems.
Responding to others' feelings with an information response increases the
chances of their respecting and following the limits suggested.
6. Reassurance:
Reassurance responses reduce anxiety, diffuse intense feelings, and express
confidence. They provide a pat on the back, but imply that certain feelings or
thoughts should be dismissed as being ``normal'' or ``common.'' This response
does not foster a relationship because it tends to discount people's problems.
Cliches fall into this category. Reassurance is often used by people who come
upon a situation that is out of their realm of experience; they don't know
what to do or say, and they may be embarrassed.
Reassurance Response Examples:
- Don't worry. Other people have made it; so will you.
- Things may look bad now, but it will be OK in the morning.
- You are not really fat.
- Hang in there. Disappointment is a normal feeling.
This response could be reworded into an understanding, clarifying or
information–giving response and be more effective. Used as an expression of
sympathy in conjunction with other responses can be helpful. For example,
instead of ``You will manage,'' substitute ``You have handled this situation
before. Relax and use your best judgement. Do what you feel is right for you''
(information giving) and ``I have confidence in you'' (reassurance).
7. Analytical:
The intent of the analytical response is to analyze, explain, or interpret
the other person's behavior and feelings. It goes beyond whatever the other has
said to explain or connect ideas and events. Unlike clarification, this response
adds something from your own thoughts, feelings, values, etc. It implies that
you are wise, you know more than the other person. Under most circumstances the
analytical response leads to resentment in others.
Analytical Response Examples:
- The reason you are having so much trouble with him is that he reminds
you of your father whom you hate.
- You often come to our group late because you really don't feel
comfortable here.
- You see her as an authority figure; that is why you can't relate to
her.
- You are lonely because you are afraid to risk getting involved with
people.
The analytical response is more appropriate for therapists where there is an
ongoing counseling relationship and where the patient needs to become aware of
certain behavior or reaction patterns. Even then it sometimes works better to
use an information–giving response. Interpretation is a poor response to use
in confronting a person with behavior of which you disapprove.
8. Advice–giving:
Advice giving is usually unproductive. It implies that you are in a position
to know the reasons for the other person's problems, and what they ought, must,
or should do about them. You are, thus, judging the goodness, appropriateness,
effectiveness, or correctness of the other's actions. Others are being measured
by your personal value system and are found somehow lacking. This is a process
of blaming others for their own problems.
Advice Giving Response Examples:
- If I were you, I'd write to him and ask him to send you something for
the kids. You should get a divorce, it's the only answer to your marital
problems.
- Instead of arguing, you should try to see the other person's
viewpoint.
- You shouldn't say things like that.
Telling people what to do takes away their responsibility for decisions and
problem solving. Advice often arouses resistance and resentment, even when there
is outward compliance. Giving advice, even when requested can, foster
dependency. Reword advice into an information–giving response or a question.

How can Empathy be Conveyed?
Responding in a healthy manner means conveying understanding, referred to as
empathy. One effective technique used to convey empathy is reflection,
which acts as a mirror to provide feedback. It conveys understanding to both the
emotional content of what is said and the environmental components (events
having an impact on the emotions expressed). Being in tune with others provides
valuable feedback, which is useful in improving the effectiveness of your
communication. When others see that what they say and feel is important enough
to be listened to, a warm, respectful kindred feeling evolves. This affinity
contributes to unity in the relationship and increases task abilities and
motivation. Also, since you become more sensitive to the others' needs you can
respond accordingly. Reflection of empathy means responding with intense
interest using different words to convey the original meaning. For example:
Other: I'm really not with this stuff today. All these medical terms
you're throwing out are mumbo–jumbo to me, and I couldn't give a damn about
them. I know I've gotten a bum deal, and my child has problems.
You: Having new words to learn is pretty frustrating and nerve
racking, especially when you did not ask for any of this
Other: Yeah, so please help me to understand what I need to do to help
him.
It is important that reflective responses be nonjudgmental. A judgmental
response adds a new conclusion, interprets the other persons' behavior as good
or bad, or distorts the person's words. For example:
Other: I don't know … having a baby just isn't what I expected. I
thought it would make life more exciting, that it would really turn me on. But
it seems that my family life is a dead end. My husband and I end up sitting
around doing nothing. Our marriage is so different now that we have a child.
Poor judgmental reflection: It's too bad you feel stagnated. It could
be exciting if you didn't just sit around. (This does not indicate that you
heard the speaker; it contradicts the speaker, and is judgmental).
Good nonjudgmental reflection: You're saying that having the baby
hasn't given you what you expected: something new and exciting in your marriage.

Tips for responding to others to create a supportive
relationship:
- Respond in a way that focuses attention on the issues and concerns:
clarify inconsistencies and gather facts quickly and unobtrusively.
- Let the other person know that you are listening and following what is
being said. Give an occasional ``Yes, I see,'' or ``Uh–huh.''
- Probe with open–ended statements to gain more information. Use ``Tell
me more about …'', ``Let's talk about that,'' or ``I'm wondering about
…'' Responding in this manner is usually more effective than using
specific who, what, when, where, and why questions.
- Ask for clarification, e.g., ``I'm having trouble understanding what
you're saying. Is it that …?'' or ``Could you go over that again,
please?''
- Use understandable words. Listen to the vocabulary of the other person
to get a clue to their level of understanding.
- Try not to preach, blame, or be demanding.
- Try to avoid straying from the topic.
- Show understanding and sincerity in your responses, so the other person
will feel comfortable discussing additional information.
- Try not to talk excessively about yourself. Keep self– disclosure to a
minimum.
- Give responses appropriate for the age, sex, and emotional state of the
other person.
- Avoid responses that put you on the defensive. ``I'm sorry, I really
didn't mean that,'' is a bad approach.
- Be comfortable with silence. Don't feel that silence needs to be filled
with talk. Don't do all the talking.
- Try to remain neutral and nonjudgmental in your response to actions,
comments, or conditions you find antagonizing, shocking, or hostile.
- If you become tangential (straying from the topic) try to refocus the
discussion.
- If people become emotional and cry, allow them to cry. Show respect.
Don't stop them, but try to make them feel as comfortable as possible
while they are crying.
- Use responsive body language: make eye contact, lean forward
Issues to focus on when responding to a friend in a
supportive relationship include
If your friend is displaying anxiety:
- What is your friend anxious about?
- What situations bother your friend?
- Is this a reaction your friend has been having for a while, or is it a
new one?
- Did some particular incident set these feelings off?
- Can your friend remember having felt this way before?
- What other feelings accompany the anxiety?
- Does your friend have any idea why the anxious feelings have occurred?
- How does the anxiety get in the way now?
- What purpose does the anxiety serve?
- In what ways does it protect your friend?
- Is the anxiety related to you or to the support group? Is it related
to the subject matter? All of the above?
- Is your friend scared of being scared? Is your friend frightened by
the anxiety?
- What does your friend imagine would happen if the feelings were let
go?
- If your friend gave the anxiety a voice, what would it say?
If your friend is hurt:
- What situations cause your friend to end up being hurt?
- Does this happen with specific people?
- Is it an angry or a sad hurt?
- When your friend is hurt, what is the typical response?
- How do others get the power to hurt your friend?
- How does your friend want others to respond?
- When your friend responds inappropriately, how does it feel?
- Did your friend anticipate being hurt before he entered the
relationship?
- Are there ways he contributed or ``set up'' being hurt?
- How does your friend let others know that he has been hurt?
- Has your friend been hurt badly in the past?
- Does one incident stick out in your friend's mind as being
particularly painful?
- If so, what were the consequences for your friend then?
- What needs of your friend are not being met?
If your friend is experiencing guilt:
- What does your friend feel guilty about?
- Is it one particular thing that happened or a lot of things?
- Is your friend afraid somebody will find out?
- What does your friend think would happen if someone found out?
- How would your friend react?
- When your friend felt guilt before, how was it handled?
- Who taught your friend to feel guilty in this kind of situation?
- Does it seem that your friend gave others the power to make her feel
guilty?
- What does it mean, in terms of how your friend sees herself, when she
feels guilty?
- What would your friend really like to say or do when responding with
guilt?
- What consequences does your friend anticipate?
- Is your friend's guilt relevant, or is it carried over from an earlier
period?
If your friend is discussing affection:
- What fears does your friend have about being close to others?
- Is the difficulty in giving affection, receiving it, or both?
- How has your friend handled the need for affection in the past? How
has loneliness be handled?
- How would your friend like people to show their affection?
- Have there been times in your friend's life when affection was really
needed and it didn't come?
- In retrospect, can your friend see any reason why he didn't get
affection? Was part of it his inability to respond?
- Does your friend makes it difficult for others to respond warmly and
affectionately to him?
- Does your friend see parts of himself as being unlovable?
- If so, how did your friend learn that?
- How does your friend let others know that he needs them to care?
- Does your friend experience the ambivalence of being afraid of
affection and wanting it at the same time?
If your friend is angry:
- Does your friend feel angry all the time, or just in specific
situations?
- What is it that makes your friend angry?
- How does your friend express anger—physically, verbally, or by holding
it inside?
- What value judgment does your friend put on being angry?
- Does the anger get displaced to relatively unimportant situations?
- With whom is your friend angry? Why?
- How does your friend deal with other people's anger?
- What have been the consequences of your friend's anger in the past?
- When people important in your friend's life fight with each other
angrily, what does your friend imagine would happen?
- Is your friend afraid the anger will destroy, or is your friend afraid
the anger will have no impact?

A Learning Program for Improving Responses
This program is designed to help you improve your responses to people. The
page should be covered so that only the first instruction is exposed. Each
printed instruction is called a frame. A black line, like the one below,
signals the end of a frame. After you have finished reading frame "A'', move
down to the black line below frame "B''.
______________________________________________________________________________
Eight responses with a high probability of creating healthy communication
are presented. These responses are highly rated because they are perceived as
empathic, caring, warm, and person–centered.
______________________________________________________________________________
The eight facilitating responses are listed from the least (1) to the most
facilitating (8):
1. Advice or evaluation indicates your judgment of relative
goodness, appropriateness, effectiveness, or correctness.
2. Analytical or interpretation shows your intent to teach, to
impart insight, to show meaning.
3. Reassuring or supportive implies your intent to reduce the
anxiety or intense feelings in the other person.
4. Information giving signals your desire to share basic, needed
information with the other person.
5. Probe or question reveals an intent to seek additional
information, provide further discussion, to query.
6. Self–disclosure exhibits your intent to share the fact that
you have experienced what the other person has.
7. Summary or clarification denotes your intent to understand
what the other person is saying, or to identify the most significant ideas
or feelings that seem to be emerging.
8. Understanding or reflection conveys your
understanding or ability to ``read'' others' feelings
________________________________________________________________________
In the following examples, a person's comment is followed by a response.
You are to identify the type of response being used. Identify the response
using the eight responses listed. Once you have marked the response type,
uncover the next frame for the answer.
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: It just seems like year after year goes by without my being able to
get pregnant.
Response: You feel discouraged because we can't seem to have
children.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: My parents are getting a divorce, and I wish they wouldn't.
Response: You feel upset because your parents are splitting up.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I am caught in the middle. I am unable to handle both my job and
the household chores. I need help. Either I need to stay home more, or I need
assistance with the work around my house.
Response: You should hire a maid.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Advice
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: It has been hard for me to adjust since I had my son. The days seem
so busy, and I need help with him.
Response: Do you know about the programs available at the child
development center for children with his problems? There are many children
like him who go there for school and therapy on a daily basis.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Information giving
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I am always picking on my kids. Sometimes I think I am too hard on
them.
Response: You are worried about the way you discipline the children
because it brings up the horrible memories of the abuse your father
inflicted on you.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Analytical
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I am bored at home all day long. There is nothing for me to do but
clean the house and take care of the kids.
Response: Before I went back to work, I felt the same way.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Self–disclosure
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I just hate it. The house is a mess.
Response: Maybe this experience will remind you to help your wife
more with the chores.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Advice
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: Just facing my mother tomorrow has me frightened to death.
Response: What about your mom has you so upset?
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: It is frightening to consider moving after all these years. But I
know I have to accept the transfer if I am ever to get ahead.
Response: The prospect of moving is unpleasant, but you want to
advance your career.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: It is frightening to consider moving after all these years. They
may have been full of misery and pain, but still, this was home.
Response: It's natural to feel that way at a time like this.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Reassuring/supportive
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: (Silence)
Response: That last comment of mine must have struck home. I can see
by your reaction you still feel some guilt about the way you have
treated your children.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Analytical
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I wish I had never gotten involved with those bastards.
Response: You seem to be really upset right now.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Response: How does it feel, then, to have a child with a handicap?
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame Probe (open question)
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: So I finally had to
place him in the home. Since then, I have had nothing but trouble with the other
kids.
Response: The problems became so unbearable that you had to place
your child in a group home, but your problems have not ended after
getting help for him.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Summary/clarification
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I feel so stressed every time she visits our house.
Response: What have you done so far to take care of yourself?
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: The way they all look at him bothers me.
Response: They way others look at your child is upsetting.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I am very anxious around my father's new
girl friend.
Response: You probably have this anxiety because of an unresolved
Oedipal conflict.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Analytical
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: (Silence – tears)
Response: I know that it is hard for you to talk about this now. Just
begin when you want to.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: You can imagine how I felt when I
discovered she was disabled. What was I supposed to do, just stand there and
watch their abusive behavior? I let them know how I felt!
Response: You really were angry and upset.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: There are times when I wish my
husband wasn't so busy, that our son could have a father to grow up with.
Response: He might benefit from the father's program. It was begun
just this past year for dad's with disabled kids.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Information giving
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: There are times when I could just kill
them.
Response: You get so rattled with your relatives; you are totally
frustrated.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I know that drinking doesn't really help
me in the long run, and it sure doesn't help our family. She keeps threatening
to leave. I know all this, but it is hard to stay away from the booze.
Response: You are aware of some of the ways that drinking is harmful,
and yet you can't leave it alone.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Clarification/summary
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I am really discouraged since his last
operation. I feel that since he has come home from the hospital, the other kids
stay farther and farther away from him.
Response: This would be a good thing to bring up in your next family
meeting: How the kids are reacting to his latest operation and how it
affects you.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Advice
______________________________________________________________________________
Person Arriving
one hour late: Sorry I am late; the bus was delayed.
Response: This makes the fifth time you have been late to group. It
gives me the feeling that you are not too interested.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Analytical
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I don't want you to tell my parents what I
am telling you. They will be annoyed with me again.
Response: Don't worry about me telling them; what you share with me
stays with me.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Supportive, information giving
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: When the doctor told me that the baby was
retarded and that we should put him away in some institution, I blew up and ran
out of his office.
Response: His lack of sensitivity was acute.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: His parents have been out to get me from
the first time I met them.
Response: What gives you that feeling?
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Probe (open question)
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: He is always telling me what to do, what
to think, what to like. What a jerk!
Response: What did he say to you this time?
Type of response:
_______________________________________
Answer to frame Probe (open question)
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: I get so nervous when I have to go to the
doctor.
Response: The last time I went to your doctor he was uncaring and
impersonal. It makes it hard to feel comfortable as his patient.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Self–disclosure
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: Please help me figure out how to get help
for my son.
Response: Call the County Information Hotline for the numbers of the
clinic closest to you.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Information giving
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: Please help me figure out how to get help
for my son
Response: I can see that you are really confused about this.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: (Silence – tears)
Response: You are upset about your son's developmental problems
because of guilt over the way you have treated retarded kids in the
past.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Analytical
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: You have to help me with this. I am so
lost and frustrated.
Response: I know just how you feel.
Type of Response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Supportive, reassuring
______________________________________________________________________________
Person: Why does this have to happen to me?
Response: The situation seems so unfair.
Type of response:
______________________________________________________________________________
Answer to frame: Understanding
______________________________________________________________________________
END OF LEARNING PROGRAM

"Responding" role–play
activity
You and a friend can practice effective responding using the ten role–play
topics in this activity
Step 1:
One person takes a turn as the speaker with the concern, the other is the
responder. For 5 minutes the speaker shares concerns about one of the ten
role–play situations. The responder uses effective responding skills with the
speaker to evoke helpful resolutions to the concern
Step 2:
After the 5–minute role play is completed, the speaker spends 2 minutes
giving feedback on the effectiveness on the responses.
Step 3:
After the first role–play and feedback session, switch roles until you have
each role–played speaker and responder for all ten topics. Use the material on
responding as a tool to make improvements in your responses and feedback.
Ten "responding" role–play topics
You are concerned:
- About your inability to control your drinking (or drugs or gambling
or eating or spending or sex or smoking or working behavior.
- Because you feel you are being unfairly judged by others.
- Because you do not sense a full commitment of your spouse to your
marriage and to caring for your children.
- Because you feel like you are in a dead–end career.
- Because you are finding it increasingly difficult to control your
temper both at home and at work.
- About the way you solve problems.
- About how much time and energy is required to get the support you
need to work on your problems.
- About your health.
- About the behavior of your children both at home and at school.
- About your sense of loneliness and abandonment after you have had a
fight with someone for whom you care.

|