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 Tools
for Handling Control Issues
Eliminating Overdepedence
Content:
What is overdependency?
Overdependency
is the:
Holding
on desperately to other people, places, or things to give your life meaning
and direction.
Allowing
others to "do for'' you so much so that you haven't developed a sense
of personal autonomy, independence, and personal responsibility for your own
actions.
Unwillingness
to let go of others so that you can get on with your own life.
Unwillingness
to set out your own goals, aspirations, and dreams for your life for fear
that they won't coincide with those of the people, places, and things on which
you have become dependent.
Sense
of worthlessness since the "need
to be needed'' and "need to be loved'' have gone out of control where you
need the dependency of another on you in order to believe that your life has
meaning and value.
Confusing
sympathy and pity for love which is a result
of feeling sorry and compassionate for someone so much that you have smothered
and coddled them until they cannot do for themselves and have become completely
dependent on you.
Inability
to take self-initiated steps to get your life
into control, order, and direction because you have overly identified and
submitted yourself to the will, power, and control of another person even if
that person did not intentionally set you up to be so dependent.
Immobilized
since need
for approval, fear of rejection, and feeling of insecurity gone so out of
control that you become immobilized without the direction, support, and
nurturing of the person, place, or thing on whose approval you have become
dependent.
Directionless
which is result of the lack of belief in your own competency, skills, or
abilities to handle things on your own and the fear to set out on a course of
self-direction and independence.
Irresponsibility
due to lack
of training in knowing what normal personal responsibility taking is and the
resultant handing over to other persons, places, and things the responsibility
to take care of you.
Feeling
stuck due to fear
of failure, fear of making a bad decision, and the fear of success gone out of
control until you have become immobilized and incapable of taking care of your
own life.
Clingy
due to fear of abandonment and fear of loss of value to other people,
places, and things gone out of control so much so that you become over-clingy
and grasp on to any last straw to ensure your dependent relationship is not
changed or ended.
Fear
of loss of identity, making you frantic in pursuit of maintaining a
relationship with a person, place, or thing, which is in reality unhealthy for
you.
Fear
of loneliness, being alone, or isolation making you desperate to hold onto a
dying relationship with a person, place, or thing, well beyond the time that it
is reasonable to do so.
Fear
of being independent which is due to the fear
of the negative consequences of becoming independent keeping you weak and frail,
thus needing the support and nurturance of those people, places, and things, on
which you are dependent.
What are the effects of overdependency?
If
you continue to be overdependent in your relationships with people, places or
things, then you could:
-
Lose
a sense of personal identity, uniqueness or independence.
-
Never
gain personal mastery or control over your own life.
-
Not
allow those who are dependent on you to become fully functional and
independent.
-
Lack
the social, emotional, or physical skills to enable you to be a fully
functional human being.
-
Begin
to become resentful of those upon whom you are dependent for keeping you
back from becoming all that you are capable of being.
-
Become
so "smothered'' and "coddled'' that you drown in this sea of love,
concern, and support losing focus on yourself as the creation which is in
your own hands to shape and mold.
-
Fear
the possibility of separation, abandonment, or individuation from those upon
whom you are dependent and thus sabotage all efforts to grow and heal as a
fully independent and self-confident person.
-
Become
disabled, handicapped and incapable of caring for yourself in a mature,
healthy way.
-
Become
sick from the toxic effects of the overdependency especially if the
dependency is on substances which have harmful effects such as alcohol,
drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, relationships, crises, etc.
-
Run
the risk of being left by people who get healthy and no longer are willing
to be caretakers or fixers in your life.
-
Not
only give the appearance of being helpless but begin to believe that you are
helpless and incapable of taking care of yourself and resist all efforts to
help you break the over-bondedness you have with others.
-
Increase
your manipulation to keep those whom you are "hooked'' on to remain
hooked in the relationship with you.
-
Suffer
from worsened low self-esteem because you are convinced of
your lack of competence to be a fully independent individual or conversely
incapable of helping others to become independent.
-
Run
the risk of dying from negative health aspects of the overdependency on
things which are deadly.
How is overdependency a control issue?
Overdependency
is a control issue because:
-
It
is an act of transferring the "locus of control'' out of your hands
into the hands of others.
-
When
you become too dependent on a person, place, or thing, you give it power to
control you.
-
It
is an act of controlling others to take care of you so you don't have to do
it yourself.
-
By
use of manipulation, conning, and other subversive
control techniques, you "hook'' people into allowing you to be
dependent on them so that they can "fix,''
save, rescue, or be a caretaker for you.
-
You
use your "hooks'' to prevent others from detaching
from you so that you can continue to be dependent on their resources,
energy, knowledge, care, concern, and support.
-
You
use intimidation, coercion, and threats oftentimes
when you become disgruntled because others no longer want to allow you to be
dependent on them.
-
You
have learned to use the mask of "helplessness''
to get others to allow you to be dependent on them and they likewise get
hooked on being depended on.
-
Your
style is to seek out people whom you can control to do for you what you need
to do for yourself, so you succeed in finding "fixers,''
"caretakers,'' and "rescuers'' ready
to take over your responsibility for you.
-
It
blinds you to your own inner strength, resources, and power to take care of
yourself and lessens your belief in your own ability to maintain self-control
of your life.
-
It
hands power and control of your life over to others
whom you are willing to rely on in order to avoid taking
personal responsibility for your own life.
-
When
it is an act of dependency on such things as alcohol, drugs, food, sex,
relationships, gambling, or shopping, it gives these things the power to
control you even to the point of willingness to risk your physical life to
have them.
-
When
it is a compulsive dependency on a person, place, or thing, you have become powerless
to control it.
-
When
it takes on an addictive quality, you appear to lose power and control over
it.
What irrational thinking leads to overdependency?
-
I
could never survive without them.
-
I
need them as much as they need me.
-
They
would never survive without me.
-
I
should be taking care of them since it is my responsibility, obligation and
duty.
-
I
could never envision my life without it (thing you are dependent on).
-
What
would I do if no one needed me?
-
I
am afraid to let go of them since I'd be so lonely.
-
I'd
rather be used than ignored by people.
-
The
only meaning I have in life is to do for others.
-
I
would have no idea what to do if I were on my own.
-
I
am happiest when I am serving others.
-
They
are crazy if they think I'd give up my warm, comfortable, safe state of
being cared for by others.
-
As
long as they are offering to help me out, I'll continue to accept their
help.
-
I
am entitled to what they do for me.
-
They
owe it to me. After all, I am their child.
-
They
made my life as a child so miserable it is OK that they take care of me now
as an adult.
-
I
am afraid that I won't do or say it right so I need help to keep me correct.
-
I
am not dependent on anybody. I am only accepting their gifts, offers of
help, and support because it makes them feel good.
-
I
can take care of my own life as long as I don't have to pay for food,
shelter, school, and transportation.
-
Accepting
gifts of money and other physical support is not being overly dependent on
others.
-
I
am not dependent on anything but I do enjoy these things a lot (e.g.,
alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.).
-
Being
dependent is not a bad thing if it gives meaning to the lives of the people
you live with.
-
I'd
rather be dependent on a person than on myself because I am so afraid of
being by myself.
-
Telling
me that the person who needs to love me is me doesn't quite make it. I don't
feel complete unless someone else needs, wants, and loves me.
How you can help someone overdependent on you to become
more independent
In
order to help a person become independent of you, you need to follow these
steps.
First: You first need to determine if the person is in reality overdependent
on you and then identify for what the dependency is.
-
Financial
support
-
Physical
support
-
Companionship/friendship
-
Emotional
support
-
Problem
solving/decision making
-
Knowledge
and insight
-
Skills
and abilities
-
Sexual
outlet
-
Affirmation,
recognition, and approval
-
Advice,
direction and information on how to live life
-
Something
else. Name it ______________
Second: Once you have identified for what a person is overly dependent on
you, you then need to determine if you are dependent on this person needing you.
You
need to identify if you are a person who:
-
Needs
to be needed.
-
Needs
to be the source of financial stability in the family or workplace.
-
Needs
to be recognized for your generosity.
-
Needs
approval for your good deeds.
-
Has
a martyr's role in your family,
workplace, or relationship.
-
Loves
others too much to your own detriment.
-
Likes
to fix, correct, and make things right.
-
Is
a compulsive caretaker.
-
Has
a hard time "letting go'' of people in your
life.
-
Finds
it difficult to be emotionally detached when you
see someone you love getting into trouble.
-
Any
other reason why you are a person who allows others to become overly
dependent on you. Name it _______________
Third: Once you have identified why you allow this person
to become overdependent on you, then you need to identify a healthier way to
think about the other people in your life and your relationships with them, such
as:
-
It
is OK for people to fail.
-
It
is better for people to become responsible for all aspects of their own
lives.
-
People
need to be independent if they are to experience a full productive life.
-
People
won't initially like being cut off from their "dependency'' on you but
they will benefit from it in the long run.
-
It
is healthier for a person to refuse your offer of help if it means they are
overcoming their dependency on you.
-
I
am a good person and it is OK if people don't need me.
-
I
don't have to fix, rescue or make correct anybody else but me.
-
I
am a better person by freeing people from being dependent on me.
-
don't
need to buy my relationships with people by all of the ways they can become
dependent on me.
-
I
can love someone and still set them free to become who they really are.
-
Any
other rational, reality-based, healthy ideas can be added here.
Fourth: Once you have identified new ways of thinking about the overdependent
people in your life, you then need to establish a new set of guidelines to help
them to become more personally responsible for their own lives.
Some
new strategies to help you set the guidelines are:
Strategies
for Helping Others to become Independent of You
1. Natural
Consequences
Letting
people accept the natural consequences for their own actions so that they can
learn what is good or bad in their own actions, decisions, and behaviors.
2. Freedom
to Fail
Letting
people have the freedom to fail, make mistakes, or experience personal
disasters so that they can learn from their mistakes and recognize new
strategies to prevent them on their own in the future.
3. Shared
Responsibility
Letting
people share with you the responsibility to do the things which in the past
you were totally responsible for. This approximates or shapes them into the
ability to be self caretakers and independent beings.
4. Win-Win
Solution of Problem Solving
Rather
than solving problems between two people where you are the winner and the
other is the loser or where the other wins and you lose or where you both
lose, this solution allows you both a chance to win. Overdependence is often a result of the win-lose
solution where you get your way and the other becomes dependent on you to
follow through on a solution which is not fully self-owned or self-generated. In the long
run, if you always win in solving problems, you probably lose more since the
other people choose to be dependent on your decisions and direction rather
than think and act for themselves so as not to cause any conflict or problem
with you.
5. Compromise
In
relationships the way to ensure the independence of the other person is to
reach compromises between your wants and needs and the other's wants and
needs. This ensures you both are winners in your interactions with one another
and there is less chance of dependence on one another.
6. Mutual
Respect
This
involves you and the other person respecting one another's competency, skills,
and abilities without undermining either's independence of thinking, emotions,
or actions. Respecting each other as deserving people creates an atmosphere
which encourages individuality.
7. Acceptance
of Uniqueness
This
allows the other person to be unique and different from you as a free standing
and independent being so that there is no need for the other to be "just
like you'' and vice versa. "Free to be who you are'' is a healthy
consequence of acceptance of uniqueness by one another.
8. Limit
Setting
This
is setting a line over which other people cannot step so as to allow you to be
free of their overdependence on you and allows them to remain free and
independent from you. Once the limits are set the other person then has the
freedom to think, feel and act uniquely with your "unconditional''
acceptance and love.
9.
Logical Consequences
When
allowing another to be free to fail and experience the natural consequences of
an action is life threatening or too damaging, you can establish a consequence
of your own which approximates or simulates the more disastrous consequence.
This is a form of setting limits for the other's behaviors which you will or
will not tolerate from them.
10.
Mutual Protection of Rights
This
involves the encouragement of open, honest, and assertive communication
between you and the other person to give feedback when either of you feels
your rights to be independent and free are being violated. This type of
communication is encouraged by giving the other person permission to "call
you on it'' if you are ignoring their rights.
11. Enmeshment
Elimination
When
you recognize that you and the other person have become enmeshed in a mutually
dependent relationship, it is important to openly communicate your recognition
of the lack of health in this. You then need to admit openly that it is better
for you both to be independent, unique individuals who are neither clones or
enmeshed in a symbiotic, unhealthy relationship.
12.
Fantasy and Myth Debunking
Often
when you hold on too tightly to a dream, fantasy, or myth of the way things
are supposed to be, you control relationships too tightly and force the other
into an overly dependent relationship with you. It is important to keep your
focus in the relationship rational, realistic, and based on "what is''
rather than on "what I want or wish it to be.''
13.
Elimination of Entitlement
Entitlement
is the belief that you are owed something because of circumstances of birth,
rank, position, title, tradition, or status. By de-powering the concept of
entitlement, people then need to earn on their own merits what they are
getting out of life. This eliminates the dependency which makes the entitled
person lack ambition, motivation, or drive to be independent, successful, or
accomplished.
14. Individuation
Individuation
is the encouragement of people dependent on you to become unique individuals
with an accent on their own interests, values, attitudes, skills, abilities,
knowledge and competencies. This encourages each person to become a free-standing,
independent, self-sufficient, self-confident and self-responsible individual.
15.
Establishing Emotional Boundaries
Oftentimes
there is a need to establish emotional boundaries between you and other people
in your life so that you can identify where you begin and end in comparison to
where they begin and end emotionally. This breaks emotional ties which link
you into overly enmeshed and overdependent emotional relationships.
16. Disarming
the "Hooks''
It
is imperative to be on the watch for the "hooks'' that keep you dependent
on dependent people, such as manipulation, helplessness, threats of suicide,
self-destruction, intimidation, or con jobs. Also the people who are dependent
on you need to be encouraged to unhook the bait of money, physical help,
companionship, wisdom, and experience, knowledge, help, aid, fixing, rescuing,
and enabling you offer them.
Fifth: Once you set guidelines for your relationships with people to help
them to become independent from you, then you need to put the new non-controlling,
independence encouraging
beliefs and behaviors into practice.
Sixth: Monitor your progress. If you find others becoming overdependent on
you or you overdependent on them, then return to first step and being again.
Steps to eliminating overdependency
Step
1: In order to eliminate overdependency in your
relationship, you first need to identify where overdependency exists in your relationship.
Use the guidelines given in How you can help someone
overdependent on you to become more independent to help you with this process. In your
journal do the following.
A.
List all of the people you have significant relationships with in:
-
Marriage.
-
Family.
-
Family
of origin.
-
Friendship.
-
Work
or school.
-
Community.
B. Identify
which people:
-
Are
overdependent on you.
-
You
are overdependent on.
-
Are
independently unique from you and you are independently unique from them.
C. For
all overdependent relationships, identify for what they are overdependent on
you.
D. For
all relationships in which you are overdependent, identify for what you are
overdependent.
E. What
are the reasons you allow these people to become overdependent on you?
F.
What are the reasons you allow yourself to become overdependent on
others?
Step
2: Once you identify the scope of your overdependency, you then need to
identify healthy scripts for each person with whom you desire to change the
relationship's level of overdependency. In your journal for each person listed
as overdependent on you or you are overdependent on them, identify new
behavioral strategies to use to establish guidelines to encourage independent
thinking, emotions, and actions between you and them. Use the guidelines
offered in
Strategies
for helping others to become independent of You.
Step
3: Once you have written out guidelines for how you
intend to relate to each relationship listed in Step 1, then share your
proposed guidelines and work with each person to come up with a mutually
agreed upon plan of action to eliminate overdependency in your relationship.
Step
4: Implement the plan of action which could be recorded as a contract
with each person.
Step
5: Monitor your progress. If you have problems with overdependency,
then return to Step 1 and begin again.
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