Helplessness

Learned behavior by which you have been able to ``hook'' people into caring for and nurturing you.

Attention getting, as a vehicle by which you were able to get your ignoring or neglecting caretakers in the past to pay attention to you.

Sympathy provoking, by a composite of physical illness, academic problems, failures, work problems, and relationship troubles which have drawn the attention, support, and caring for you from other people, places, and things.

Manipulative tool, a vehicle by which you have manipulated people, places, and things to allow you to remain overdependent on them.

False sense of incompetence, by making others believe that you lack the competence, intellect, skills, and abilities to handle your own problems.

Fear of success driven, mask behind which you hide your fear of success so that others are convinced that you can't succeed when in reality you are afraid of succeeding.

Lack of self-trust, inability to establish a sense of trust in yourself so that you can open yourself up to be vulnerable to hurt and failure by taking a risk to "do for'' yourself rather than to rely on others to "do it'' for you.

Locked into little boy'' or "little girl'' mask which has gained you a lot of approval in your adult life but it is not a helpful coping mechanism to deal with the problematic realities of life.

Refusal to "grow up'' and be an adult because then you would be held responsible for the outcome of your life which responsibility you desire to avoid for fear of failure.

Mask for the anger and rage you have inside of you for being expected to be mature, personally responsible, and self-approving in your adult life when in your child life you feel you were too neglected, ignored, and non-approved and now want others to do for you what you need to do for yourself.

Diverting attention, use of humor, entertaining, and mascot behaviors diverts attention from the need for you to take personal responsibility for your own life.

Sympathy provoking, acting out in a way which draws others' sympathy and compassion but in reality is a manipulative ploy to get them to do for you what you don't want to do for yourself.

What are the negative effects of helplessness?

If you continue to function in a helpless way, then you could experience these factors in your life:

Treated as disabled, since you could become disabled by other people's attitude towards you because they do not believe you are capable of doing anything on your own.

Overdependency oriented, since you become overdependent on caretakers to help you to overcome the negative impact of your problems.

Seen as incompetent, since you convince yourself that you are indeed as incapable as you project yourself to others.

Fear of success driven, since you fear stepping out on your own, to pursue anything that you are convinced you are not capable of handling on your own.

Miserable existence and lose your potential to have a happy and content existence convinced that there are forces in the world always trying to handicap and keep you down

Impairs self-esteem, and you become convinced that no matter how hard you try to do things you are never "good enough'' to succeed.

Victim role, and become locked into a "victim'' mold of existence always needing a "rescuer'' to help you to overcome the negative impact of the negative "perpetrators'' in your life.

Atrophying skills, since you find that your inherent competencies, skills, and abilities wither and atrophy from non-use.

Locked in the "yes, but'' attitude whenever you are being presented with viable alternatives and solutions to your problems so much so that you drive people away from wanting to help you in the future because of your pessimistic or fatalistic outlook on your problems and the frustration they experience in having you reject all of their offers of help, advice, and support.

Found to be a fraud, and figured out by others as a person who doesn't want to become self-sufficient and independent and it could be recognized that your asking for help is simply a ploy to control them to keep them from choosing to leave you alone to solve your own problem.

Unappealing to healthy people, because you project an image of being frail, weak, and non-confident, thus making yourself unappealing to people who desire to have a mature adult relationship with you.

"Hook'' "caretakers'' and "fixers'' to take care of you and you could run through a series of new ones in turn after you have been dropped by "recovering'' persons who see you for what you are.

Overly depressed and despondent because you run out of people to "take care of you'' and despair because you are in reality no longer competent to take care of yourself.

Low self-esteem becomes more exacerbated as you continue to believe and put out the myth of being helpless to care for yourself.

How is helplessness a control issue?

Acting helpless is a control issue because you experience these realities:

Looks like other have control over you, by your helpless acting you look as if you are willing to transfer the "locus of control'' from your hands into the hands of others when in reality you are in control of those people who think they have this control over you. It is a form of controlling others even when they don't believe they are being controlled. (After all, how can a "helpless'' person be a controller?)

Learned behavior by which you have gained attention and the ability to control the efforts and energy of others on your behalf.

Mask of helplessness by which you are able to manipulate others to "fix,'' "rescue'' or care for you when in fact you have the resources to do so for yourself.

Power position whenever you run across an "addicted fixer'' or "caretaker,'' or "addicted'' rescuer or enabler because you meet their needs and can almost dictate the extent to which they can help you to avoid taking personal responsibility for your own life.

Mask of powerless, it appears out of control and powerless, when in reality it is a manipulative ploy to gain power and control over others' thinking, feeling and actions.

Physically debilitating when you are willing to let go of control over your physical well-being even if it means you become physically sick to the point of chronically ill in order to get people to attend and care for you.

Extremely overcontrolling, when you can resort to intimidation, coercion, or suicidal threats and gestures if people are not responsive to your claims of being helpless.

"Survival'' technique by which you were able to survive by controlling the environment, situation, people, or things in the past which were a threat to you and your existence.

Dramatic ploy which you have learned so well that you can call upon it whenever you feel you are losing control or power over someone who is threatening to ``detach'' from or ``let go'' of you.

Self deceiving role, since you can get so lost in the mask and belief of your helplessness that you no longer take control over your own life and hand over this power to others in your life.

Sells self short, since you have stopped exercising your right to care for yourself so much that you are locked into selling yourself short so that you can depend on others to take control of your life and needs.

What irrational thinking leads to helplessness?

How to overcome helplessness

In order for you to reduce your sense of helplessness and to begin to become more self-sufficient, competent, and self-confident, you need to try to do the following self-help activities.

First: Identify those problems, obstacles, fears, or issues over which you feel helpless and identify what beliefs keep you locked into being helpless for each one.

Second: Develop a new belief system that encourages you to recognize that being independent, competent, self-confident, and capable of helping, "fixing,'' and changing yourself is healthy, desirable, and necessary for you.

Third: Learn what ``normal'' coping behaviors are from others who are in a healthier place than yourself.

Fourth: Practice healthy coping, problem-solving, fear-desensitizing, and conflict-resolving behaviors.

Fifth: Build on your successes at being an independent, free-standing self-helper, self-coper, and self-healer.

Sixth: Remember that success breeds success and be sure to reinforce yourself for all of your successes even if they be small ones.

Seventh: Accept that relapse is part of the recovery process and get back with your program of self-help if you should slip or fall back to your old mold of helplessness.

Eighth: Call upon your Higher Power to give you the courage, strength, and persistence necessary to gain self-sufficiency to cope with your life.

Ninth: Give permission to your network of support to "call you on'' any lapses back into a "helpless'' mode of being.

Tenth: When you get angry about "always having to do it on your own,'' do anger workouts to ventilate these emotions which are traps waiting to draw you back into your old attention-seeking, helpless role in life.

Eleventh: Parent your "inner child'' by nurturing and self-loving self-scripts and allow your "inner child'' to grow to be a healthy adult by giving it the freedom to make a mistake or fail in its attempts at self-help.

Twelfth: Develop a sense of patience to accept that it takes time (an entire lifetime) to fully rid yourself of a sense of helplessness since it is often such an ingrained, automatic habit of acting, thinking and feeling for you.

Thirteenth: Let go of your perfectionistic need to be `"healed perfectly'' since it traps you to give up if at first you don't do it exactly right.

Fourteenth: Emotionally detach from all "fixers,'' advice givers, rescuers, and enablers in your life so as not to fall into their need for you to be helpless in order for them to relate to you.

Fifteenth: Stop hiding behind all your old excuses, beliefs, and cliches about why you can't possibly help yourself.

Sixteenth: Have a farewell party or wake for the "old you'' who was wrapped up in self-pity, self-doubt, and self-abasement.

Seventeenth: Let go of that "old you'' and as in any death grieve all of the losses involved in no longer benefiting from the old role of helplessness.

Eighteenth: Embrace the "new you'' who is more self-competent, self-helping, self-healing, self-respecting, self-confident, and self-enhancing and recognize all of the healthy, normal, natural, beneficial consequences of living your life in this way.

Steps to overcoming helplessness

Step 1: You first need to identify in your journal the following.

A. With whom do you usually function as a "helpless'' person?

B. What are the issues involved with you and these people over which you are helpless?

C. How would you define each of these people? Who are the fixers? The rescuers? The advice givers? The enablers? The caretakers? The gurus? The professional helpers upon whom you have become emotionally dependent?

D. What irrational, unhealthy beliefs keep you in your role of helplessness with each of these people and in each of the "helpless to overcome'' issues in your life?

E. Identify why it is so difficult for you to accept personal responsibility for helping yourself to overcome each of the problems, fears, issues, and conflicts over which you currently feel helpless.

F. Identify the benefits to you of taking personal responsibility for helping yourself on your own and under your own power and control.

G. Identify the negative effects for you of remaining helpless as you face your current problems, fears, conflicts and issues.

H. Identify why your efforts in the past to overcome your sense of helplessness failed. What did you lose in your life when you became more capable of helping yourself?

I. What are the benefits for you in remaining helpless in your current problems, fears, issues, and conflicts?

J. Identify which of your current relationships are based on your feeling helpless in it. How would these relationships change once you ceased acting, thinking, and feeling helpless? How does the potential change in your current relationships keep you "hooked'' into remaining helpless?

Step 2: Once you have thoroughly assessed the state of your sense of helplessness, then you need to identify what you need in order to grow in the skills of self-coping, self-help and self-healing. To do this respond to the following.

Self-Help Skills and Behaviors Inventory

Directions: In order to help yourself grow into a more self-sufficient, self-nurturing, self-healing, and self-confident person, you need more of the following self-help skills. Rate each skill on a four point scale.

0 = don't need more of since this skill you have plenty of and practice it most of the time.
1 = need a little more than you currently have since you are aware of the skill and at times practice it but you could benefit from more training and practice in it.
2 = need a great deal more than you currently have since you have a sketchy understanding of it and on a rare occasion have even tried it.
3 = an overwhelming need to learn about it to alter your feelings about it and to put it into practice since you have only heard of it and know nothing about it and have never practiced it in your life.

0 1 2 3 (1) To honestly identify my feelings

0 1 2 3 (2) To identify other people's feelings

0 1 2 3 (3) To communicate openly and honestly

0 1 2 3 (4) To effectively listen to others

0 1 2 3 (5) To respond to others reflecting that I understand how they feel

0 1 2 3 (6) To problem solve with others issues which arise in relationships

0 1 2 3 (7) To identify my thinking which is unhealthy or irrational and to develop alternative, more healthy thinking to overcome these beliefs which block my personal growth

0 1 2 3 (8) To affirm myself for all of my personal skills, abilities, talents, competencies and other positive attributes

0 1 2 3 (9) To eliminate guilt as a major motivator for my personal behavior

0 1 2 3 (10) To maintain trust in myself to be there for me when I need me to be

0 1 2 3 (11) To overcome my sense of insecurity

0 1 2 3 (12) To allow myself to become vulnerable to the hurt and pain of failure, mistakes, and loss in order to grow

0 1 2 3 (13) To take risks in life

0 1 2 3 (14) To nurture my "inner child'' in healthy ways

0 1 2 3 (15) To desensitize and overcome my fears

0 1 2 3 (16) To overcome my fear of failure

0 1 2 3 (17) To overcome my fear of success

0 1 2 3 (18) To reduce or eliminate my perfectionism

0 1 2 3 (19) To overcome my human pride, by accepting that there is nothing I can't accomplish as long as I have my Higher Power with me as my partner in life

0 1 2 3 (20) To practice patience by accepting that recovery is a life-long process

0 1 2 3 (21) To grow in a deepening and maturing spirituality with an emerging personal relationship with my Higher Power

0 1 2 3 (22) To continuously accept personal responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions and not put the blame on others

0 1 2 3 (23) To handle the stress and anxiety in my life through relaxation and self-healing activities

0 1 2 3 (24) To take care of my own physical health through proper nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc.

0 1 2 3 (27) To have a place, time, and people in my life with whom to have fun and enjoy myself

0 1 2 3 (28) To resolve conflicts, disagreements, and fights with others in a "win-win'' resolution

0 1 2 3 (31) To practice healthy, assertive behaviors in all of my relationships

0 1 2 3 (36) To recognize when my relationships are based on reality rather than on fantasy or a dream of the way it could be

0 1 2 3 (60) To give and accept healthy emotional support in my efforts at personal growth

For further work on each of these self-help skills and behaviors, review the Tools for Coping Series books by James J. Messina, Ph.D. The following items are found in the specific books of the series:

Tools for Handling Control Issues