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Introduction
Need to Control
Intimidation
Idealism
Need to Fix
Caretaker
Powerlessness
Let Go
Detachment
Unconditionality
Overdependence
Manipulation
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Suicide
Survival Masks
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 Tools
for Handling Control Issues
Eliminating Caretaker Behaviors
Content:
What are caretaker behaviors?
Caretaker behaviors are those behaviors which:
-
Keep
people in a dependency relationship with you.
-
Require
that everyone you care for must conform to your set of rules and norms about
how they are to conduct their lives.
-
On
the surface "look good'' and proper but in reality are a subtle way of
manipulating others to keep them under your control.
-
You
exercise on others to prevent unwanted behaviors or disasters or to clean up
and provide damage control after a problem has erupted.
-
Make
you valuable to others who need your assistance, rescuing and help and
therefore anoint you to be in a ``powerful'' position to control, dictate,
or direct their future actions.
-
Make
you the person upon whom people rely to be the stable rock, foundation, or
support in the system when they get into trouble.
-
Exhibit
the axiom that money, material goods, and status are more important in human
relationships than are emotional support, self-discipline and feelings-oriented
relationships.
-
Keep
people from honestly assessing what is happening in their lives for fear
that if they become honest they could no longer turn to the caretaker to
"bail them out'' when they get into trouble.
-
Are
often enabling behaviors which exacerbate the troubled behaviors which are
being "cared'' for.
-
Are
often hidden behind the mask of a "gift'' or a "token of love''
but in reality have major "strings attached'' by which the recipient is
held to be "beholden'' or grateful for the gift and thus held in line
with what the caretaker wants to happen if further gifts are to be given.
-
Bail
others out from major problems with the result that they lose their sense of
independence and personal autonomy.
-
Give
you the role of a "Godfather'' who is all giving and yet seeks
retribution if you are ever crossed or disappointed.
What are the negative effects of being a caretaker?
If you continue to be a "caretaker" in your relationships,
then you could:
-
Become
frustrated over the amount of energy, resources, time, effort, support, and
sacrifices you need to "put out'' in order to help those people who
look to you for help.
-
Be
disappointed that those to whom you are a caretaker seem to increase in
their ``helplessness'' over time rather than grow in selfBsufficiency.
-
"Punish''
those you `"caretake'' if they become successful and gain independence
from their need for help.
-
Take
on the role of "martyr''
bemoaning how awful it is to have so many people's lives you are responsible
for and yet do nothing to change the situation to encourage the people to
leave the nest and fly on their own.
-
Encourage
a number of people, places, or things to become overdependent on you, thus
increasing your stress and anxiety with such responsibility solely on you.
-
Get
stuck in "denial'' that your
caretaking actually enables others to become dependent rather than
independent.
-
Enjoy
the power and control of being the "godfather'' and begin to resort to
intimidation, threats, and coercion to keep those dependent on you in line.
-
Become
frustrated that you are working harder and harder to "make things
right'' and yet don't seem to be succeeding since there are always new
problems needing your attention and support.
-
See
yourself as a generous, benevolent, and philanthropic individual while in
reality you are a controller who weakens people's wills and spirits from
becoming independent, self-sufficient, and successful in their own
right.
-
Contribute
to enabling and exacerbating the addictive, compulsive, and self-destructive
behaviors of those you "care'' for.
-
Be
outraged, angry, and resent the "freeloading'' of others on you and yet
enjoy the sense of "helping'' others and not be able to let go of the
freeloaders in your life.
-
Sense
that no matter how much you do for others it is never good enough to correct
the situation and feel compelled to give more and more, in the process
accepting increased control and responsibility over these people's lives.
-
Believe
that your advice, "gems of wisdom,'' insights, suggestions, and "directives''
are the "golden rule'' for those dependent on you and get angry, resentful,
and lose your temper with them when they ignore you.
-
Become
socially isolated if people are drawn to you not for "who you are'' but
rather for what "you can do for them.''
-
Experience
a grave depression if you realize that no
matter how much you give others you are constantly in a struggle to gain
their unconditional love. Even worse you question if they would love you if
you had nothing to give them but you the person.
-
Experience
a worsening of your low self-esteem when you recognize that your worth is
based conditionally on what you do for others rather than on what you are as
a person.
How is being a caretaker a control issue?
Being a caretaker is a control issue because:
-
It
places the "locus of control'' in your hands and out of the hands of
those you are caring for.
-
You
take control from other people to determine their own direction in life by
accepting the full brunt of responsibility for their welfare.
-
By
believing that you are the source of all good things for others you give
yourself the power to control their lives, fortunes, and destiny, if not in
reality, at least in your mind.
-
You
can often resort to use of threats, coercion, or intimidation
to retain your dominant role in their lives, if the people, places, or
things try to get control back.
-
Those
people, places, or things whom you take care of can become overdependent
on your nurturance, care and support so much so that they lose the inherent
capability to control their own lives.
-
You
can often persist in caring for others who are the uncontrollables
and unchangeables in your life you need to let go of or become detached
from.
-
You
open yourself up to be manipulated to care for
others who hide behind the mask of helplessness in order to hook you to do
what they want you to do for them.
-
It
can often be a mask behind which you hide so as to avoid having to deal with
the problems or issues which are out of control in your life.
-
It
is often easier to control others than to gain your own self-control.
-
When
you see another for whom you are being a caretaker struggle to get power
back in their own lives by functioning independently from you, you can
resort to power tactics to get them back into the dependent role with you.
-
On
the surface it looks so generous, giving, and noble to be a caretaker when
in reality you are a dependent person who needs needy people, places, or
things to give you identity and a reason for being.
-
It
robs others of the power of self-determination by encouraging overdependency,
a sense of helplessness, and the inability to
care for themselves.
-
By
use of gifts, favors, loans, inheritance, and other caretaker tactics you
manipulate others to give you the respect, honor, admiration, approval,
affection, and acceptance you need so badly.
What irrational thinking leads you to become a
caretaker?
-
I
only have value in life if people need me.
-
The
people in my life could not survive without my assistance or help.
-
They
are dependent people who would fail or collapse if I stopped taking care of
them.
-
They
can't do without me.
-
I
do it because I love them.
-
I
just can't stand to see them fail or get into trouble.
-
If
they don't succeed in life, it would be my fault.
-
They
will be grateful and beholden to me for everything I have done for them.
-
They
will be loyal and supportive to me for all that I do for them.
-
They
are too incompetent to take care of themselves.
-
People
expect me to take care of them and I could never let them down.
-
I
am the only stable one around here and if I don't take control they would
all fall apart.
-
If
I don't take over for them, they would mess up so badly that it would take
more energy to clean up the mess than to prevent it.
-
It
is important that the people in my life be protected from failure, pain,
hurt, or suffering.
-
I
could never let them down. They depend on me too much.
-
This
is all I'm good for, which is to do for others.
-
I've
sacrificed, scrimped, and saved so that they could benefit from all of my
efforts.
-
If
I didn't do something for or give something to them, what makes you think
they would still care about me?
-
You've
always got to look after them since they are so inadequate and could never
succeed on their own.
-
I
know more, have more experience, and am wiser than they are, so they need my
resources, help, and advice to get them through this problem.
-
How
can I allow other people to hurt and suffer pain? It hurts me not to lift a
finger to rescue or fix them.
-
They
are desperate and just this once I need to take over for them.
What you can do to cease the need to be a caretaker?
First: Identify the people in your life for whom you currently feel the need
to be a caretaker. For each person, do the steps which follow.
Second:
What
do you do as a caretaker for this person or what do you feel you need to do?
Third: Identify why you feel the need to do these things for this
person. Analyze if these reasons are rational, healthy, and based on reality.
Then develop healthier, more rational reasons not to be a caretaker for this
person.
Fourth: Identify what your feelings are concerning this person.
Fifth: Identify how you would feel if you no longer felt a need to do
caretaker actions for this person.
Sixth: Identify how rational, healthy, and realistic these feelings
are.
Seventh: Identify new, more healthy, realistic and rational feelings you can
have after ceasing the need to be a caretaker for this person.
Eighth: Identify new non-caretaker behaviors you can develop
with this person.
Ninth: Implement new, non-caretaker, rational, healthy and
realistic behaviors with this person.
Tenth: Reward and reinforce yourself for ceasing your need to be a caretaker
with the following positive self-talk.
-
I
am a good person and do not need to do things for people in order for me to
have worth or value.
-
It
is OK to let people be responsible for their own lives even if they fail,
make a mistake, or do not succeed in the process.
-
It
is good not to be a caretaker, because I prevent people from feeling
independent, competent, and self-sufficient by being a caretaker for them.
-
By
letting people take care of themselves, I am allowing them to grow self-confident, competent and self-sufficient.
-
I
now am living my life more fully for myself and feel more freedom from
anxiety, stress, panic, and fear.
-
I
deserve to be the recipient of all of my caretaking behaviors and others are
better off as a result.
-
I
am not responsible for others' failures, mistakes, losses, or lack of
success. I am responsible only for me.
-
I
am a good person deserving of respect even if I do not shower others with my
old caretaker behaviors.
-
I
can help people more by allowing them to accept personal responsibility for
their own lives.
-
I
can assess my value and worth by how well I have lived my life for myself
rather than by how much I have given or done for others.
Eleventh: Continue to monitor your need to be a caretaker for the people in
your life. Recognize that when you return to caretaker behaviors you are
returning to a need to control the lives of these people.
Twelfth: If you find yourself falling back into the need to be a caretaker
for the people in your life, return to the first step and begin again.
Steps to eliminate caretaker behaviors
Step
1: In your journal answer the following
questions to first determine if you are a caretaker in your behaviors with
others.
A.
How do you feel when you realize that other people need you for what you
do for them?
B.
How do you deal with a situation in which someone in your life is
experiencing a problem, disaster, failure or loss?
C.
How do you react to others' addictive or other self-destructive
behaviors?
D.
How well do you allow others to exercise personal responsibility over
their own lives?
E.
How would you feel if people no longer turned to you to cure, fix, solve,
or rectify problems for them?
F.
How do you feel when you realize that others have become dependent on
you?
G.
How do you feel when you are told that you are dependent on the people
who are dependent on you to need and to be cared for by you?
H.
How do you feel about altering your thinking, feelings, and behaviors to
cease your need to be a caretaker?
I.
How does ceasing the need to be a caretaker fit into your program of
recovery from low self-esteem?
J.
How does being a caretaker reflect your low self-esteem?
K.
How have you reacted to people who were caretakers to you? How
comfortable are you with being equally classified with the caretakers in your
own life?
L.
How big a problem for you is being a caretaker? How willing are you to
let go of this problem?
Step
2: If after your assessment of your caretaker behaviors, you are
committed to change these behaviors, then proceed to identify each person in
your life for whom you are currently a caretaker or have a need to be a
caretaker. For each person identified, in your journal answer the following
questions.
A.
What do you do for this person?
B.
How does what you do affect this person?
C.
What reasons lead you to feel the need to exercise these caretaker
behaviors with this person? How rational, healthy, or in touch with reality are
these reasons?
D.
How do you feel about this person?
E.
How do you feel about the effects of your caretaking on this person?
F.
How would you feel if you no longer felt the need to be a caretaker for
this person? What are the risks? What are the losses? What are the benefits?
What new feelings would be healthier and more rational for you?
G.
What new behaviors do you need to exercise with this person to cease
being a caretaker?
H.
What can you do to control your urge to be a caretaker for this person?
I.
What can you do to let go of the need to fix, rescue, control,
manipulate, and take care of this person?
J.
What alternatives do you have to being a caretaker to this person?
Step
3: Once you have analyzed your caretaker behaviors for each person you
take care of, then you need to implement more non-controlling, healthy,
rational, more realistic, non-caretaking behaviors with each of these people
Step
4: Keep monitoring your success in ceasing to be a caretaker and
reinforce your effort in this regard. As you do this, answer in your journal the
following questions.
A.
How are these people reacting to your letting go of your caretaking
behaviors?
B.
How are you dealing with guilt trips these people pull on you?
C.
How do you deal with these people's anger when you cease being a
caretaker for them?
D.
How do you reward yourself for ceasing to be a caretaker to reinforce
yourself against the powerful forces to pull you back into caretaking?
E.
How do you deal with your compulsive urge to fall back into being a
caretaker for each of these people?
F.
How do you deal with the realities of failure, loss, mistakes, and non-success
that is experienced by those people to whom you have ceased to be a caretaker?
G.
What rational, healthy, and realistic self-talk do you do to keep you
from jumping back into being a caretaker again?
H.
What do you need in your life in order to keep you from becoming a
caretaker again?
Step
5: As you continue to reward your efforts at ceasing to be a caretaker
to others, keep working at turning your need to care back on yourself to ensure
you put these behaviors to work for you.
Step
6: If you revert back into caretaker behaviors or the need to be a
caretaker, return to Step 1 and begin again.
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