 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Silent Withdrawal
Content:
Is silent withdrawal an expression of anger?
By
silently withdrawing into myself, isolating myself from others, I show anger in
a passive way. I am:
-
angry
over some real or perceived offense.
-
incapable
of venting my anger openly and prefer to remain silent.
-
afraid
of an outburst of anger, afraid I'll be unable to stop.
-
stuffing
my feelings to stay in control.
-
refusing
to show them that they have ``gotten'' to me.
-
so
full of anger, resentment, bitterness, and hostility that I'd rather remain
silent than overreact to the situation.
-
blocked
in my ability to be honest with others, unable to show honest anger.
-
unaware
of my anger and even find it offensive or surprising when someone suggests
that I am angry.
-
setting
myself up for other forms of unhealthy anger expression.
-
not
giving others the benefit of my feedback about their behavior, setting the
scene for a repeat performance.
-
giving
others the power to intimidate me.
-
avoiding
assertive behavior in letting others know how they have angered me.
-
piling
up unresolved anger, adding to my bank account of unresolved anger, making
me more and more emotionally silent, withdrawn, and isolated.
-
out
of touch with my true feelings, denying these feelings to others.
-
incapable
of showing my negative side, afraid of disapproval and rejection.
What are behavioral patterns resulting from my
silently withdraw anger?
When
I withdraw from the open expression of anger I am setting myself up for
alternative forms of unhealthy anger expression, which are often self-destructive.
They include:
Binging
and purging.
This is the clearest evidence of my internal anger. Purging violates my
person and masks my raging anger. It is one way to rid myself of anger without
having to express it.
Escaping
into alcohol or other drugs.
I choose alcohol or another drug to medicate my anger and calm me down. I find
myself consuming these substances to the degree to which I currently stuff or
have stuffed my anger in the past. The anger is never exhausted and I need
continuous medication to silence it.
Overeating.
This is a figurative and literal form of stuffing my anger down. In an
attempt to nurture myself, I treat myself to a calming friend: food.
Unfortunately my ``friend'' food overwhelms me by adding pound after pound. The
``jolly fat man'' is often really silently anger.
Daydreaming.
When I am angry at what is going on, I can withdraw into myself; escape into
my imagination through vivid daydreams. My fantasies concern how I would like my
life to be. My daydreams are of a perfect life where my enemies are punished and
I succeed.
People-pleasing
behavior.
I find it impossible to be honest with people when they have angered me so I
set out to please them. I either do as much as I can for them so that they are
grateful and never anger me, or I put my ``happy, good'' face on so they never
know how angry I am.
Entertaining
behavior.
Rather than confront my angry feelings honestly, I resort to jokes, stories,
quips, or any other diversion to avoid the angry feelings and act happy. I push
my anger down and away.
Pulling-in
behavior.
Recognizing that it is better to be invisible during negative situations, I pull
my feelings in and avoid contact with those who anger me. I become more and more
isolated from the anger stimulus. I pull my anger deep inside.
Compulsive
behavior.
Excessive gambling, compulsive shopping and credit card use, computer use,
uncontrolled sexual activity alone or with others, excessive reading or any
other behavior gone out of control are external expressions of the anger that I
harbor silently within me.
Workaholism.
Escaping into my work or studies is a convenient outlet with which to avoid
dealing with my anger. Because others often reward this behavior, it is a great
way to hide my angry feelings, especially if they are negative and either
unattractive or unacceptable to me.
Social
isolation.
Fearing that I will express my anger openly if people provoke me, I find it
better to isolate and insulate myself from society. Being socially isolated
becomes so comfortable that I choose to be a loner, a recluse, or a hermit never
running the risk of interaction with others.
Depression.
This takes many forms, including lethargy and exhaustion. It is unresolved
anger. Helpers in my support network prescribe ``anger work-out'' sessions as
therapy for my depression and it seems to work for me.
Stubbornness.
I am so determined not to let others ``get'' to me with their negative attitude
that I become stuck in my resolve to withhold my emotional responses. I get so
stuck that I become unable to ventilate my anger even in role play or imagined
anger work-out sessions.
Wearing
masks.
Rather than let my anger show, I wear a mask in front of those who anger me. I
withdraw my true feelings into myself, often permanently hiding them behind my
masks so that even I don't know what they are.
Peace
at any price.
I fear conflicts so that I will do anything to cover the anger and keep the
peace. Peace at any price is often my motto. I work hard at keeping my anger and
that of others hidden. Unfortunately, this often causes problems; the very
conflicts I try to avoid happen anyway, but I am unprepared to handle them
honestly and openly.
Shyness.
Because I work so hard at avoiding my true feelings (especially the negative
ones) I find it painfully difficult to speak with or meet people in groups. I
get so used to not speaking that it becomes harder and harder for me to even
try.
Stress-related
physical illness.
Certain physical illnesses are directly related to my inability to confront my
anger the moment I feel it. These ailments include high blood pressure, cardiac
disease, ulcers, many kinds of cancer, gastro-intestinal diseases, headaches,
muscle tension, insomnia, and many others.
Using
denial.
Because I constantly want life to be happy, pleasant, and more satisfying than
it is, I often resort to denial. I deny anger or hostility against those people
who hurt, badger, or anger me. I remain unable to resolve my discomfort because
my denial blinds me to the causes of it.
Minimizing.
It is so much easier to overlook or minimize the impact of negative stimuli in
my life than to confront it. However, this attitude misleads people and clouds
my priorities. My life gets out of focus and I'm unprepared to deal with
reality.
Procrastinating.
Rather than confront issues that might result in negative feelings on my part or
others, I put off that which needs immediate attention. This just worsens or
exacerbates an already difficult situation and eventually ends in deleterious
results for me and others. I wind up with the anger plus guilt.
Controlling.
I control the situations in my life to avoid the discomfort of being angry. I
like to control people and resort to intimidation and manipulation. It isn't
honest, but I think everyone will understand why I had to do it when things
finally turn out right and we all live happily ever after which really rarely
ever happens.
What irrational thinking leads me to withdraw
silently in anger?
-
Avoid
conflict at any cost.
-
Keep
peace at any price.
-
It
is better to remain calm and keep the peace than be honest about my anger.
-
When
I am angry, someone always gets hurt, so don't hurt anyone and keep it to
myself.
-
No
one really wants to hear how I feel about things.
-
I
never gain by letting others know how I feel, especially negative feelings.
-
I
shouldn't show my anger.
-
Anger
is a bad emotion.
-
It
is a sin to get angry.
-
Put
on a happy face, even if I am not.
-
Never
let others know I am hurting.
-
The
show must go on.
-
What
would people think if they knew how I really felt?
-
It
is better to protect others from my negative feelings so no one gets hurt.
-
It
is a waste to tell others that I am angry.
-
I
will never accomplish a thing in sharing my angry feelings.
-
Getting
angry always ends up getting me into a fight.
-
I
will be punished if I show my anger.
-
Venting
anger is a waste of time and energy.
-
I'd
rather be a loner than get into constant fights, arguments, or
disagreements.
-
I've
been hurt badly in the past by sharing my true feelings.
-
I
learned the hard way to let it go, don't deal with it.
-
No
one really wants to know how I feel.
-
Being
silent in my reaction to anger-provoking situations is a sign of maturity,
health, and social decorum.
-
I'd
rather see those who anger me be left high and dry. They'll get no reaction
from me when they mistreat or abuse me. It is pure revenge for me.
-
I'd
rather spite them than let them know how they hurt me.
-
Keeping
people happy is the best therapy in the world.
-
Why
bother myself with the negative side of life when there is so much I haven't
experienced yet?
-
I'd
rather be silent and strong than outspoken and weak.
-
It
is a sign of weakness to show others my anger.
-
I
do more harm by being honest with people; it's better to lie.
-
It's
better to tell a white lie to keep peace and harmony in a relationship.
-
I
should protect others from knowing my ``angry'' side.
-
Put
up a good front. Continue on as if nothing bad has happened.
-
If
I'm quiet long enough they will ignore me, and I'll be able to live a
happier life as a result.
-
What
I think and feel is irrelevant and unimportant; I'll keep quiet instead.
-
Nothing
good comes from my speaking up; I'll be quiet in the future.
Why do I tend to silently withdraw in anger?
I
usually withdraw silently when I am angered because:
-
as
a child I was rewarded for being ``seen and not heard.''
-
I
have never seen any benefit from my expressions of anger.
-
if
I ever get angry, I would lose my self-control; I would become obnoxious and
offensive.
-
I
don't recognize my anger.
-
I'm
so conditioned to ignore or avoid my true feelings.
-
I
learned early on that anger could mean abuse for me.
-
anger
overwhelms me.
-
I
can't win.
-
it
feels right for me.
-
I
get so embarrassed when I'm emotional.
-
I
want to hide all the more later.
-
I'm
so hurt and upset that all I can do is cry.
-
I
refuse to let others see that they have ``gotten'' to me.
-
people
except me to be happy and carefree.
-
no
one would know how to handle me if I acted differently.
-
it
is safer to keep my feelings to myself.
-
I
don't want to deal with others' reactions.
-
I
can't tell the truth when the truth might hurt someone.
-
I
take responsibility for how others will react to my anger.
-
I
protect others from the negative consequences of anger.
-
I'd
rather exercise control.
-
I
want to keep the peace.
-
I
can't deal with conflict.
-
others
might disagree with me.
-
no
one is looking out for me but me.
-
I
can't trust honesty.
How can I handle my silent anger and improve my life?
-
By
assertively letting others know how I feel.
-
By
letting others be responsible for their own reactions.
-
Do
intensive ``anger work-outs'' on each unresolved anger issue.
-
I
need to identify the anger I have silently withheld.
-
Realize
that it is the root of my unhealthy behavior.
-
Let
go of the need to control others.
-
Take
the risk to be honest with others about my true feelings.
-
Let
go of my sense of over-responsibility.
-
Let
those in my life be responsible for their own feelings.
-
Recognize
that I usually end up in conflict and pain by minimizing my feelings.
-
Be
vulnerable with others.
-
Take
the risk of hurt, pain, rejection, and non-approval by being assertive when
I am angered.
-
Recognize
that this is my opportunity for personal growth and healing.
-
Take
the risk to be honest when I am angered .
-
Accept
others' responses to my feelings.
-
Learn
what does and doesn't work in letting others know how I feel.
-
Accept
that I am a ``liar'' when I keep my anger in.
-
Make
a commitment to myself never to lie again.
-
Take
back the power I give others.
-
Express
anger with no fear of retaliation.
-
Identify
what others do to intimidate me.
-
Regain
power and self-control over my own feelings.
-
Recognize
that my shyness and isolation is unhealthy.
-
Take
the risk to join a support group.
-
Open
up freely about the anger in my life.
-
Write
an anger autobiography of my life.
-
Take
each event which has angered me and do an ``anger work-out'' until all anger
is gone.
-
When
I find myself pulling into silent withdrawal, tell myself ``stop.''
-
Face
my anger honestly and openly.
-
Give
permission to the support people in my life to keep me on track.
-
Avoid
pulling away from my support group when I am angry, hurt, or depressed.
Steps I can take to stop withdrawing when I get angry
Step
1: One step toward learning control over the unhealthy way I handle
anger is to rate the 20 behavior patterns described in What
are behavioral patterns resulting from my silently withdraw anger?
according to how they impact my life. Rate each behavior using a scale of:
1
2 3
4 5
( 1) Binging
and purging
1
2 3
4 5
( 2) Escape
into alcohol or other drugs
1
2 3
4 5
( 3) Overeating
1
2 3
4 5
( 4) Daydreaming
1
2 3
4 5
( 5) People-pleasing
behavior
1
2 3
4 5
( 6) Entertaining
behavior
1
2 3
4 5
( 7) Pulling-in
behavior
1
2 3
4 5
( 8) Compulsive
behavior
1
2 3
4 5
( 9) Workaholism
1
2 3
4 5
(10) Social
isolation
1
2 3
4 5
(11) Depression
1
2 3
4 5
(12) Stubbornness
1
2 3
4 5
(13) Wearing masks
1
2 3
4 5
(14) Peace at any
price
1
2 3
4 5
(15) Shyness
1
2 3
4 5
(16) Stress-related
physical illness
1
2 3
4 5
(17) Using denial
1
2 3
4 5
(18) Minimizing
1
2 3
4 5
(19) Procrastination
1
2 3
4 5
(20) Controlling
Add
up the 20 ratings. If the result is 45 or more, I am definitely bothered by
silent withdrawal when I get angry.
I
need to answer the following questions in my journal to complete Step 1:
A.
Which behavior patterns earned a rate of 3 or more?
B.
For each of these highly rated patterns, what events led me to withhold
anger and precipitated the behavior pattern?
C.
What damages do these unhealthy behavior patterns cause?
D.
How could I be healthier, happier, and saner?
E.
What unresolved anger is the result of my silent withdrawal? (List each
item, if possible.)
F.
How successful is my anger work-out on these anger issues?
G.
How can I succeed in my anger work-out sessions?
H.
What irrational thinking lies at the root of my silent withdrawal?
I.
What lessons did I learn in the past (old scripts) that resulted in my
pattern of stuffing my anger?
J.
What are some other causes of my silent withdrawal in anger?
Step
2: Now I need to
confront the fears that result in my withdrawing in anger. To do this, I'll rate
the following 20 fears according to how they impact my anger and silent
withdrawal. Circle the rating for each fear for its impact on me:
-
1-
never impacts my stuffing anger
-
2
- sometimes impacts my stuffing anger
-
3
- often impacts my stuffing anger
-
4
- always impacts my stuffing anger
1
2 3
4 ( 1)
Fear of rejection
1
2 3
4 ( 2)
Fear of non-approval
1
2 3
4 ( 3)
Fear of conflict
1
2 3
4 ( 4)
Fear of being disliked
1
2 3
4 ( 5)
Fear of being abused by others
1
2 3
4 ( 6)
Fear of the unknown
1
2 3
4 ( 7)
Fear of speaking my feelings openly
1
2 3
4 ( 8)
Fear of speaking in public
1
2 3
4 ( 9)
Fear of being misunderstood
1
2 3
4 (10)
Fear of not being accepted for who I am
1
2 3
4 (11)
Fear of being ignored
1
2 3
4 (12)
Fear of being ridiculed
1
2 3
4 (13)
Fear of committing a sin
1
2 3
4 (14)
Fear of loss of control
1
2 3
4 (15)
Fear of being a bad person for feeling the way I do
1
2 3
4 (16)
Fear of losing control, being unable to stop
1
2 3
4 (17)
Fear of going insane
1
2 3
4 (18)
Fear of being punished
1
2 3
4 (19)
Fear of being immature
1
2 3
4 (20)
Fear of being a fool
I
need to answer the following questions in my journal for each fear I rated 3 or
higher:
A.
How does this fear control my anger response?
B.
How did I learn this fear?
C.
How does this fear impact my life?
D.
What efforts have I made to reduce the impact of this fear in my life?
E.
What irrational thinking underlies this fear?
F.
What is the worst possible thing that would happen if I ignored this fear
and expressed my anger in an open, assertive way?
G.
What new behavior could I develop to overcome this fear?
H.
What new self-scripts do I need to rid me of this fear?
I.
How would my life change if I got rid of this fear?
J.
How would I behave if I no longer had this fear?
After
answering these questions for each of the fears to which I gave a 3 or 4 rating,
go to Step 3.
Step
3: To overcome
my silent withdrawal I now need to try each action suggested in How
can I handle my silent anger and improve my life? with each of my fears and/or anger issues. Continue
through this list and record the results of each action as it is used with each
fear/anger issue. Which actions work best for me? What benefits am I gaining
through this work?
Step
4: If after
taking each of the actions suggested I still resort to silent withdrawal, then I
need to return to Step 1 and begin again.
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