 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Stop Self-Destructive Anger Responses
Content:
A Self
Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger
I
engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency
based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree
to which it is true for me.
1
2 3
4 5
( 1)
overuse of alcohol
1
2 3
4 5
( 2)
overuse of nonprescription drugs
1
2 3
4 5
( 3)
overuse of prescription drugs
1
2 3
4 5
( 4)
shoplifting
1
2 3
4 5
( 5)
petty theft from my employer
1
2 3
4 5
( 6)
illegal acts of revenge on my enemies
1
2 3
4 5
( 7)
compulsive gambling
1
2 3
4 5
( 8)
compulsive overeating or binging
1
2 3
4 5
( 9)
binging and purging
1
2 3
4 5
( 10) anorexia
1
2 3
4 5
( 11) compulsive
exercising
1
2 3
4 5
( 12) compulsive
shopping
1
2 3
4 5
( 13) overuse of credit
cards
1
2 3
4 5
( 14) compulsive drive
to acquire material goods
1
2 3
4 5
( 15) putting myself
down in public
1
2 3
4 5
( 16) setting myself up
for failure
1
2 3
4 5
( 17) unwillingness to
play the political survival game on the job
1
2 3
4 5
( 18) ignoring authority
directives
1
2 3
4 5
( 19) direct
disobedience of authority directives
1
2 3
4 5
( 20) insubordination on
the job
1
2 3
4 5
( 21) arriving late to
work or school
1
2 3
4 5
( 22) excessive
absenteeism
1
2 3
4 5
( 23) playing hooky or
skipping required work and/or functions
1
2 3
4 5
( 24) ignoring personal
hygiene
1
2 3
4 5
( 25) dressing in such a
way as to hide my beauty or sexuality
1
2 3
4 5
( 26) jumping to
negative assumptions about motives when people show an interest in me
1
2 3
4 5
( 27) feeling like a
loser even when I wasn't
1
2 3
4 5
( 28) ignoring the
"yes'' messages in my life
1
2 3
4 5
( 29) workaholism
1
2 3
4 5
( 30) compulsive need
for recognition or approval
1
2 3
4 5
( 31) need for
perfection
1
2 3
4 5
( 32) compulsive need to
look good
1
2 3
4 5
( 33) fear of taking a
risk
1
2 3
4 5
( 34) unwilling to take
a stand
1
2 3
4 5
( 35) keeping silent;
not letting others know how I feel
1
2 3
4 5
( 36) compulsive sexual
acting out
1
2 3
4 5
( 37) excessive
masturbation
1
2 3
4 5
( 38) participation in
aberrant sexual practices
1
2 3
4 5
( 39) self-pity parties
1
2 3
4 5
( 40) constant focusing
on how awful my life has turned out
1
2 3
4 5
( 41) inability to find
my "pony'' in anything, i.e., chronic pessimism
1
2 3
4 5
( 42) arguments or
fights with people
1
2 3
4 5
( 43) complaining
1
2 3
4 5
( 44) holding a grudge;
the desire for revenge
1
2 3
4 5
( 45) having a chip on
my shoulder
1
2 3
4 5
( 46) being overly
sensitive to the remarks of others
1
2 3
4 5
( 47) excessive
cleanliness or tidiness
1
2 3
4 5
( 48) chronic nagging
1
2 3
4 5
( 49) exaggerated task
oriented behavior rather than people oriented
1
2 3
4 5
( 50) never giving
people a chance to be my support
A Self
Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger - Part 2
I
engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency
based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree
to which it is true for me.
1
2 3
4 5
( 51) being a loner
1
2 3
4 5
( 52) playing it safe
when I am with people
1
2 3
4 5
( 53) avoiding any
chance of rejection
1
2 3
4 5
( 54) rejecting others
before they reject me
1
2 3
4 5
( 55) excessive need for
excitement
1
2 3
4 5
( 56) ``management by
crisis'' approach to life
1
2 3
4 5
( 57) setting up
situations to ensure a constant state of crisis
1
2 3
4 5
( 58) need for the
adrenalin ``rush'' I get when solving ``big'' problems
1
2 3
4 5
( 59) lack of time
management skills
1
2 3
4 5
( 60) procrastination
1
2 3
4 5
( 61) lack of preventive
orientation
1
2 3
4 5
( 62) holding onto
denial of my problems
1
2 3
4 5
( 63) unwillingness for
change to occur
1
2 3
4 5
( 64) lack of honesty
about who I am and how I feel
1
2 3
4 5
( 65) preferring to lie
than the hard work of being honest
1
2 3
4 5
( 66) unwillingness to
trust anyone
1
2 3
4 5
( 67) close minded to
new ideas
1
2 3
4 5
( 68) obstinate holding
on to "the way it was always done'' or 'the way it was''
1
2 3
4 5
( 69) daydreaming or
escaping into fantasy
1
2 3
4 5
( 70) diverting
attention from the issues at hand that need to be dealt with
1
2 3
4 5
( 71) wearing masks to
hide my feelings
1
2 3
4 5
( 72) ignoring what's
good for me and what I need
1
2 3
4 5
( 73) not applying
myself on the job, at home, or in my personal life
1
2 3
4 5
( 74) giving others the
power to intimidate me
1
2 3
4 5
( 75) unwilling to
defend my rights assertively
1
2 3
4 5
( 76) excessive TV
watching
1
2 3
4 5
( 77) excessive sleeping
or napping
1
2 3
4 5
( 78) excessive
involvement in time demanding activities, activities that help me avoid the
realities of life
1
2 3
4 5
( 79) being
irresponsible with my life
1
2 3
4 5
( 80) yoyo dieting
(losing and quickly regaining weight)
1
2 3
4 5
( 81) smoking (legal
and/or illegal substances)
1
2 3
4 5
( 82) eating unbalanced
meals
1
2 3
4 5
( 83) not caring for my
health
1
2 3
4 5
( 84) not wearing seat
belts
1
2 3
4 5
( 85) driving carelessly
1
2 3
4 5
( 86) driving over the
speed limit
1
2 3
4 5
( 87) engaging in risky
or dangerous activities
1
2 3
4 5
( 88) having suicidal
thoughts
1
2 3
4 5
( 89) acting on suicidal
impulses
1
2 3
4 5
( 90) ignoring the
warning signs or symptoms of an illness and not getting proper medical attention
1
2 3
4 5
( 91) inflicting injury
and pain on myself
1
2 3
4 5
( 92) encouraging or
allowing others to abuse me physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually
1
2 3
4 5
( 93) not defending
myself in the face of a violent attack
1
2 3
4 5
( 94) lying about my
skills or competence in order to get ahead
1
2 3
4 5
( 95) ignoring my
feelings in a relationship
1
2 3
4 5
( 96) sacrificing myself
for the sake of others
1
2 3
4 5
( 97) allowing others to
take advantage of me
1
2 3
4 5
( 98) putting others
first, myself last
1
2 3
4 5
( 99) allowing myself to
be the victim
1
2 3
4 5
(100) not working on my self-growth
and self-esteem enhancement program for personal recovery and healing
What causes me to act self-destructively?
Reasons
for my self-destructive behavior include two main areas: holding anger in and
inappropriately expressing it.
When
I hold my anger in instead of expressing it in a healthy way, I end up acting in
self-destructive ways because I:
-
experience
depression
-
become
pessimistic
-
feel
resentment
-
want
to get revenge
-
end
up with a chip on my shoulder
-
hold
grudges
-
wear
masks to hide my feelings
-
feel
bitter and disappointed
-
feel
powerless to get what I need
-
feel
like giving up
When
I act out my anger in rage or other impulsive ways, I end up acting in self-destructive
ways because I feel:
-
guilty
for my rage
-
remorse
for hurting others
-
embarrassed
by my behavior
-
disappointed
in myself
-
like
a loser or a failure
-
ignored
and unwanted
-
repentant
but un-forgiven for my actions
-
afraid
to let my anger out again
-
like
I should be punished in some way
-
that
my life is not worth living
What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive
response to anger?
When
I have acted in a self-destructive way regarding anger it is:
-
almost
always at a subconscious level; I'm unaware of the self-destructive nature
of my behavior.
-
defeating
my personal growth
-
a
means of sabotaging my growth
-
often
not clearly connected with the object(s) of my anger
-
something
I would usually deny as a response to my anger
-
a
behavior of mine about which I would rather lie than face honestly
-
often
at the root of my resistance to mature change and growth
-
something
I hold onto; I can't let go of it easily
-
based
on my irrational thinking and belief
system
-
often
in direct opposition to the values I profess to uphold
-
a
paradox that is hard for me to explain
-
a
habit that has developed over time and is resistant to change
-
a
behavior I saw in my parents and other members of my family of origin
-
often
the behavior that ultimately led me to seek out professional help
-
something
that reduces my self-esteem
What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive
anger responses?
-
I
am a loser, a failure.
-
No
matter what I do things will never change.
-
This
behavior has nothing to do with the way I handle anger.
-
A
little self-pity is just what the doctor ordered.
-
Being
a little self-indulgent is healthy. Anyway it's just this one time.
-
My
life is already a wreck; how could this hurt.
-
No
one will ever like me, want me, or love me for myself.
-
Everyone
is out to get me; I have to accept this fact.
-
No
matter what I do it will never be "good'' enough.
-
I
can't deal with that problem; I'm too ashamed to fact it.
-
It's
better to stuff my anger; it's cosmetic and clean.
-
Don't
bring up a problem from the past if it hurts too much to face it.
-
I've
gone this long without dealing with it, so let sleeping dogs lie.
-
I'd
rather stay to myself than be hurt again.
-
I
have to do it all on my own or it won't be fully corrected.
-
Unless
I can do it perfectly I won't do it at all.
-
I
don't need people to help me with my problems.
-
It's
better not to be too analytical with my own behavior; why create "new''
problems for myself.
-
What
others call self-destructive, I refer to as "having fun.''
-
Everyone
needs a little excess in life; we're only human.
-
Live
life to the fullest and party hearty; life is too short not to enjoy it.
-
The
only way to have fun is to let it all hang out.
-
No
matter what I try, I can't stop those behaviors.
-
This
behavior is what makes me unique, why change?
-
My
behavior isn't "slow suicide,'' it's just variations on a life-style.
-
How
else are you supposed to "blow off'' steam?
-
This
behavior is painless, victimless, and doesn't cost a cent.
-
It's
not like I murder people with my behavior.
What are the negative consequences of engaging in
self-destructive anger responses?
When
I resort to a self-destructive response to anger, I:
-
get
stuck in my efforts to change and grow.
-
experience
more pain and suffering.
-
find
that my growth is diminished or lost.
-
find
myself going backward rather than progressing in life.
-
feel
irresponsible, flippant, and careless.
-
get
confused by the differences between my beliefs and my behavior.
-
remain
both mentally and physically ill.
-
am
prone to a greater risk for panic attacks or other stress-induced illnesses.
-
find
the direction of my life out of focus, with nothing is in place.
-
give
power to people, places, and things.
-
resort
to addictive or obsessive behavior.
-
revert
to the old scripts, the old ways of dealing with anger in my family of
origin.
-
find
my anger does not dissipate.
Things I can do to rid myself of self-destructive
responses to anger?
First:
Identify each specific behavior, attitude, or feeling that is
self-destructive.
Second: Try
to identify the anger at the root of each self-destructive response.
Third:
Define
the anger at the root of each self-destructive response by listing in my
journal:
-
the
persons involved:
-
the
events involved:
-
why
it angers me:
-
how
it affects me both then and now:
-
why
this anger has so much power over me now:
-
what
resentment, revenge, hatred,
or rage is involved:
-
how
I originally handled this anger:
-
why
I haven't dealt completely with this anger yet:
-
what
irrational thinking causes me to act this way:
-
what
healthy responses to this anger could I substitute:
Fourth:
Perform anger work-outs on each issue until I
am able to let go of the anger, forgive those involved, and forget the events.
Fifth:
Begin to extinguish each self-destructive behavior by:
-
asking
my spouse, significant other, close family member, or close friend to help
me stop this behavior.
-
asking
for care and concern from the members of my support network.
-
joining
a Twelve Step Program or some other peer-support self-help group addressed
to the specific self-destructive issues with which you are dealing
Sixth:
Develop a new set of behavior traits to replace the self-destructive
responses to anger, including:
-
the
use of assertive "I feel'' statements with
people as soon as I feel anger starting.
-
the
use of health oriented activities for anxiety, tension, and stress release,
like physical exercise or progressive muscle
relaxation
-
the
use of an internal monitoring system to trigger an alarm when I slip into
self-destructive behavior.
-
use
of self-esteem enhancing behavior like self-affirmation,
positive visual imagery, and self-hypnosis.
Steps to overcoming self-destructive responses to anger
Step
1: I need to
identify each self-destructive behavior I use as a response to anger. To do this
I will rate each of the one hundred behavior traits listed in A Self
Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger
as to how they impact my life.
Step
2: For every behavior
to which I've given a rating of 3 or higher, I will use the steps outlined in Actions
I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?.
Step
3: Once I've completed
Actions I can do to rid myself of self-destructive
responses to anger? for each self-destructive behavior, I need to do a
self-inventory to see if I've accomplished my goal.
Step
4: If after my
self-inventory I find I'm still acting in self-destructive ways then I need to
return to Step 1, and begin again.
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