Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
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| Negative Feelings | Positive Feelings |
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| unfulfilled | content |
| embarrassed | exhilarated |
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| discontented | excited |
When
I try to seek revenge or to ``get even'':
there
is the chance that I will never feel vindicated.
I
might become so bitter that I become unappealing, a person no one wants
around.
I
might forget my original complaint, escalating my hate for years, creating a
monster.
I
might be filled with unresolved anger, never feeling content or completely
at rest.
I
end up hurting myself more than anyone else.
I
may get confused about my negative, hostile behavior.
people
might see me as having a ``chip on my shoulder.''
my
plan might backfire on me and I end up getting hurt all over again with my
antagonists getting off the hook.
there
is the chance that I could develop a warped sense of justice.
I
could become convinced that no matter how hard I try, I will always be a
loser and my enemies will always get the best of me.
I
might become obsessed with ``winning at any cost.''
I
might lose all notion of what my goals and priorities are.
I
might put more energy into getting revenge than getting on with my life.
I
could generalize my anger and stereotype my enemies.
innocent
others could suffer and be confused by my tactics.
I
could become cold, distant, non-feeling.
I
could seek revenge to the exclusion of my personal growth.
My
seeking revenge is based on:
seeing
my parents function as role models of this behavior.
unresolved
anger.
an
inability to deal with the reality of life.
poor
communication skills.
poor
inter-relational skills.
feeling
ignored or discounted by others.
my
inability to admit that I've been wronged and get on with my life.
a
lack of healthy options available to me in dealing with offensive behavior
from others.
my
sense of competition in relationships.
my
need to be the ``winner'' in a relationship.
my
inability to accept the fact that I will lose at times.
my
inability to accept that relationships require compromise to be healthy.
my
embarrassment at feeling foolish at the hands of another.
my
inability to communicate with another person.
the
fact that this was the only way I learned to handle conflict.
my
need for control in relationships.
a
lifetime of neglect, feeling ignored, misunderstood, unappreciated,
unrecognized, or invisible.
my
need to show others how wrong they were when they predicted I would never be
good enough or amount to anything.
my
inner sense that if I don't look out for myself no one else will.
my
need to be first or on top in everything I do, so that no one can take it
away from me.
my
need to get in the last word in any argument or disagreement I have with
others.
my
unwillingness to bury the hatchet with an old ``enemy.''
my
stubborn determination to be the winner no matter what.
our
society's belief that just retribution is expected when a crime is
committed.
my
feeling that those who commit crimes against me deserve to be punished.
my
feeling that if it is OK with society, then it must be OK for me to wish
death on my enemies.
my
confusion about the possibility of gaining retribution, vindication,
reparation, and restitution in life.
No
one is going to take advantage of me again.
I
would rather fight than admit I was wrong.
They
hurt me too badly; I can't forgive and forget.
I
don't get mad, I just get even.
Don't
cross me if you don't want your head in your hands before it's over.
There
are two kinds of people in this world: those that lose and those that get
even.
They
are all alike, so what do you expect.
It
is better to attack before you are attacked.
No
one cares about me; I need to protect myself so that no one can take
advantage of me again.
They
are all out to get me.
There's
no place where I can feel safe, secure, and content.
Kill
or be killed.
The
world is a hard, cruel place to live; everyone is out for themselves.
The
only way to achieve my goal is to be sure that my enemies suffer dearly for
their crimes.
They
owe it to me; I'm going to take it.
They
deserve everything they get; the worse it is the better.
They'll
wish they had never done that to me before I get finished.
It
gives me great pleasure to see them in so much pain.
Don't
cross me or you'll be sorry.
I
have a right to full restitution for the emotional harm I suffered.
I'll
teach them a lesson or two before I'm finished.
They
will have to pay and pay dearly for the pain and suffering they caused me.
I
expect full and unconditional reparation and vindication before I'll forgive
them.
I
might forgive, but I'll never forget.
I
won't turn the other cheek again.
"Vengeance
is mine, says the Lord.'' This idea is out of touch with the reality of
today's "dog eat dog'' world.
The
only satisfaction I'll get is when they are six feet under.
Harboring
resentment against people is a waste of time unless you are able to bring
about their fall.
I
must achieve as much as I can to make them sorry they ever mistreated me.
It
couldn't have happened to a nicer, more deserving person.
I
must be perfect to show their mistake in rejecting me.
I
must be the best so they will finally recognize my worth and regret their
``put downs'' of me.
I'll
neither show my anger or how badly I'm hurt; they'll never know where the
pay back came from.
To
rid myself of spiteful, revengeful behavior I need to:
identify
each negative behavior in which I am currently involved with revenge as the
prime motivation.
identify
every person against whom I harbor ill feelings.
identify
each incident for which I am seeking revenge.
do
anger work-out on each person and event for which I feel revenge and/or
unresolved anger.
exhaust
my anger, then work at forgiveness and forgetting.
put
past hurts, injuries, and pain behind me; reset my goals and priorities;
concentrate on personal growth.
rid
myself of the remnants of irrational thinking and replace them with self-enhancing,
self-promoting thinking.
develop a new way of handling hurts and pain by increasing my ability to be assertive and confront my anger in a timely fashion.
achieve a ``win-win'' philosophy in my relationships.
Step 1: The first step is to identify current behavior that has revenge as the prime motivation.
First: I will put an ``X'' next to each of the behavior traits listed in How does my revenge manifest itself? that are true for me.
Second: I will next put an ``X'' next to each of the pitfalls of seeking revenge that bother me which are listed in What are the pitfalls in seeking revenge?.
Third: Then I need to read the following list of revenge-oriented
behavior and indicate those that impact my life most of the time:
___
1. I am rarely
happy with the people in my life.
___
2. I am rarely
content with my life.
___
3. I am rarely
content with my material success.
___
4. I am driven to
work harder and longer hours to get ahead.
___
5. I seem to work
harder and enjoy it less.
___
6. I am unable to
find a job that I thoroughly enjoy.
___
7. I tend to jump
from job to job with no long-term planning involved.
___
8. My relationship
with my spouse (or significant other) is clouded by my unresolved anger against
person(s) of the same sex as my spouse.
___
9. I find that I
am often at odds with my spouse (or significant other) over anger issues from
the past.
___
10. No matter how
my spouse (or significant other) tries to change, it is never satisfying to me
and I let this fact be known.
___
11. I overreact to
little things my spouse (or significant) other does because it taps into old
hurts.
___
12. I avoid
intimate relationships for fear of rejection, non-acceptance, hurt, or pain.
___
13. I shy away
from romantic relationships; I really don't trust the opposite sex.
___
14. I am filled
with excuses for why I'm not ready for a committed relationship.
___
15. I am guarded
and defensive in a group of new people.
___
16. I find people
shy away from me once they have met me because they sense my bitterness.
___
17. I am rarely
able to relax, kick up my heels, and just have fun.
___
18. I am obsessed
with the idea of ``getting even'' with others.
___
19. I am bothered
by paranoid thinking; I feel that others are out to get me.
___
20. I find it
difficult to accept the idea of forgiving my enemies and forgetting their
offenses against me.
___
21. I find it
difficult to believe that I need to make amends to those I may have hurt,
offended, or treated unfairly.
___
22. I find it
difficult to believe in turning the other cheek.
___
23. I would rather
wage war against those who have hurt me, not make peace.
___
24. It is
difficult for me to accept that my parents and family did the best they could
knowing what they did at the time.
___
25. It is
difficult for me to let go of my anger against those who have scarred my psyche
for life.
___
26. I find those
who are ``all forgiving'' too good to be true.
___
27. ``Getting
even'' is a prime motivator for success in life; I am hesitant to let go of this
rationale for my behavior.
___
28. Having been
the object of prejudice and bigotry, I find it hard to believe that it is better
to forgive and forget than to seek revenge.
___
29. If it is good
enough for society, why isn't it all right for me to get my just retribution for
offenses committed against me?
___ 30. I find it difficult to come to a compromise in which each person comes out feeling like a ``winner.''
Step 2: Once I've identified my revenge behavior, I need to identify against whom I am seeking revenge. I will answer the following questions in my journal:
A. Who do I feel a need to get even with? For each person I list, I will answer the each of these questions separately.
B. What did this person do to me?
C. With what specific events was this person involved?
D. How would I like to see this person paid back?
E. How has this person already been paid back?
F. How do I feel about the way life has treated this person?
G. How do I feel now about the events regarding this person that angered me in the past?
H. What is lacking in me that keeps me from forgiving this person and forgetting the events involved?
I. How angry am I today toward this person? The events?
J. What keeps me from letting go of my anger against this person and the events involved?
K. How does my revenge manifest itself?
L. How does my desire for revenge impact my current life?
M. How would my life change if I no longer sought revenge?
N. How reasonable is it for me to harbor so much anger against this person now that I realize what this anger is doing to me?
Step
3: The third
step involves anger work-out, forgiving, and forgetting. I must exhaust my anger
by doing anger work-out for each person listed in Step 2A. Then I need to
perform an act of forgiving and forgetting for each one. The following letter
provides an outline to use in this attempt. I do not need to send the letter
unless I feel it would act as a tool of healing for the hurting relationship I
have with the person addressed.
Letter of Forgiving and Forgetting
Dear _________:
Part 1: I have used anger work-out to forgive and forget the following:
Part 2: . I am committed to continue to let go of my anger over these past hurts and pains. I intend to speak up immediately when I feel hurt. My honest, assertive behavior will allow me to change my life and improve my relationships.
Part 3: I accept that your actions were based on your own compulsive behavior and the scripts you learned in your family of origin.
Part 4: I believe that you are a different person today from the one who hurt me. You have changed in the following ways:
Part 5: I recognize that even though I have suffered, the following things I did or have done since have brought equal pain to you:
Part 6: I am ready to forgive you and work at blotting out the memory of the hurt. I'd like to emphasize the positive in our relationship and work on improving the negative.
Sincerely,
Your Name ________________
Step 4: The fourth step includes a change in my behavior so that I avoid getting into a ``revenge'' mode again. I need to implement the following ``win-win'' solution to problems each time a conflict or disagreement arises.
A ``win-win'' model of conflict resolution:
1.
Recognize what the conflict with the other person is about. Identify:
who/what
is involved
the
content issues involved
the
feelings involved, the level of anger
the risks if the conflict goes on unresolved
2.
Create a mood of mutual concern
never
react out of anger
never
cry
never
yell
never
call names
wait
until we both feel calm
use
an understanding tone and approach
be
gentle, caring, but firmly assertive
be
open and communicative
listen
for feelings
be honest with my feelings and concerns
3.
Create
a problem-solving atmosphere
explain
the problem in an assertive way. Go into total detail for full understanding
list
the issues involved - all of them
hear
each other out with no interruptions
encourage
each other to talk and express feelings and concerns
identify
alternatives and brainstorm a full, exhaustive list of possible solutions
list the alternatives and solutions in a realistic order
4.
Create a ``compromise to grow'' atmosphere
be
willing to look at the whole list of solutions
don't
hold on to my ``point of view'' only
be
creative in searching for solutions
don't
hold on to an ``I win, you lose'' position
don't
hold onto ``you win, I lose'' position
don't
hold on to a ``you lose and I lose'' position
hold on to a ``you win and I win'' position
5.
Bring a permanent closure to the fight
once
we have settled on a compromised solution, record it as a formal statement
or agreement
each
of us signs the statement
put
it in a prominent place
refer
to it if the issue resurfaces
be willing to alter or modify the agreement if it proves to be unsatisfactory after a fair trial
1.
get out of the situation if the other person is unwilling to compromise; pull
myself out totally
2.
do not return to the relationship unless the other person is willing to be
non-competitive or engage in a ``win-win'' relationship
3. give up
any thoughts of seeking revenge if the person refuses to compromise; let go of
my anger in healthy anger work-out sessions
4. move on to new relationships in which mutual respect and mutual concern are possible
Step
5: If I am still
getting into a revenge taking mode then I need to return to Step 1 and begin
again.
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Tools
for Anger Work-Out
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