 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Eliminating Rage
Content:
How does rage manifest itself?
When
I am in a rage I:
-
act
without thinking.
-
am
out of control both emotionally and sometimes physically.
-
want
to strike out and hurt someone or break something.
-
boil
over with hatred and disgust.
-
think
and act out violently.
-
am
so angry that I can't handle it.
-
feel
my anger controlling me rather than the other way around.
-
feel
my throat tighten; my face get red and hot; my neck and shoulders tighten
and my hands automatically clench into a fist.
-
begin
to cry, scream, and lash out.
-
get
murderous thoughts against the object(s) of my rage.
-
have
a tendency to act impulsively where I become potentially dangerous to myself
or others.
-
get
so frustrated that I want to ``run away'' in the midst of my raging.
-
feel
that to go on is futile and I want out.
-
become
completely irrational.
-
tend
to act out badly and wind up feeling guilty and/or embarrassed afterwards.
-
show
the ``dark'' side of my personality.
-
am
often reacting to a ``hot button'' that has been pushed that taps into my
unresolved anger.
-
fume
so that I become speechless or begin to stutter.
-
become
a frightening spectacle of uncontrolled anger.
-
am
temporarily insane.
What are the results of rage?
As
a result of my getting into a fit of rage:
-
I
end up with a big mess to clean up.
-
people
avoid me, staying clear for a long time after my ``fit.''
-
I
feel loads of guilt and spend a great amount of time and energy ``making
up'' for it.
-
people
are so offended that they reject and/or abandon me.
-
I
run away from the situation that caused me to ``lose it.''
-
I
lose the respect of others.
-
my
shame and embarrassment are so great that I avoid the victims of my rage.
-
I
decided it was better to "stuff'' my anger and I have held my anger in
ever since.
-
people
walk around me gingerly avoiding saying or doing anything that might rile me
up again.
-
I
have the reputation of being ``crazy.''
-
I
have become confused, believing that "rage'' is the only way to express
anger.
-
I
recognize that I can intimidate people, get my way, and control the
situation.
-
people
respond to my "power play'' and either comply with my demands or come
to a halt and refuse to budge.
-
I
look back on it as an "out of body'' experience. I have the sensation
of watching myself from outside of me.
What are the roots of my rage?
My
fits of rage are rooted in:
-
my
never learning to ventilate my anger appropriately as I experienced it.
-
the
role modeling I received from my parents.
-
the
way anger was shown in my family of origin.
-
my
being physically, mentally, verbally, or sexually abused in my family of
origin or later by a significant other.
-
me
trying to get people's attention.
-
me
trying to control a situation or to get my way.
-
my
stuffing anger until I can't take it anymore and I explode.
-
my
need to "look good'' when I am angry.
-
my
need to blow up when it's a case of one time too many.
-
my
not making systematic efforts to "work out'' my pent up anger.
-
my
explosive personality.
-
my
denial of the intensity of my unresolved anger.
-
my
insecurity and lack of self-confidence.
-
my
being overly sensitive to the actions and comments of others.
-
the
"chip on my shoulder,'' the grudge I hold against those who I believe
have treated me unfairly.
-
stereotypic
problem solving where I react to situations in the same way no matter who is
involved.
What "names" are given my fits of
rage?
hissy
fits, temper tantrums, nasty, acts of rage, blowing my lid, vicious,
uncontrollable anger, out of control, getting, worked up, going crazy, insane,
aggravated, going bazookas, wound up, agitated, wacko, explosive, hellish,
outrageous, going nuts, irate, bizarre, violent, murderous, offensive, bullying,
dictatorial, disgusting, gruesome, furious road rage, sports rage, crowd
rage
Why do I resort to fits of rage?
I
tend to get into a fit of rage when:
-
my
rights are either ignored or not responded to.
-
the
inequity of a situation appears overwhelming.
-
the
futility of a situation seems unfair.
-
I
feel like I'm being ignored and I want people to listen to me.
-
I
lose control and burst out with my anger and bitterness.
-
something
is said or done to me that brings up an angry feeling from the past.
-
I
have tolerated pain too long.
-
I
have kept my silence for too long and I finally explode.
-
have
suffered silently, hoping that by not openly complaining things will change.
-
things
don't change, I give up my silence, and let out my pent up feelings.
-
I
have watched someone I care about deeply being unfairly treated for a long
time.
-
I
step in and try to speak up for someone and lose my control in the process.
What irrational thinking results in my fits of rage?
-
There
is only one thing people will listen to and that is when I blow my top.
-
I've
got to maintain my silence no matter what.
-
It's
better to suffer silently.
-
Not
complaining is a sign of character.
-
I'll
do anything to get my way.
-
It's
not what you do that counts but it's how you win.
-
Kill
or be killed.
-
The
best defense is a good offense.
-
I'd
get an ulcer if I didn't let out my anger.
-
Everyone
is out to get me.
-
No
one cares how I feel.
-
No
one understands me or my problem.
-
They
all ignore me.
-
No
one will ever take advantage of me again.
-
No
one is going to get away with hurting me or anyone I care for.
-
Life
sucks; you have to be constantly alert to defend yourself against it.
-
You
never know the minute or the hour when you'll be taken advantage of.
-
No
one ever listens to me unless I shout.
-
The
squeaky wheel gets the grease.
-
It
doesn't pay to suffer silently.
How can I prevent getting into fits of rage?
In
order to avoid succumbing to a fit of rage I need to:
-
let
people know assertively when my rights have been ignored.
-
show
my anger assertively rather than stuffing it in and keeping silent.
-
perform
``anger work-out'' over things that angers me over which I have no control.
-
ventilate
my anger a little at a time away from people.
-
give
permission to those in my life to walk away from me when I get into a fit of
rage.
-
not
to get
into my car when I feel like exploding and not explode on others.
-
time
myself out in my room to do anger and rage work-out on inanimate objects and
not on people
-
engage
in more physical and strenuous exercise every day.
-
lessen
the impact of my pent up anger and frustration.
-
write
a letter of protest rather than explode in rage.
-
slow
down and control my impulses.
-
recognize
the irrational thinking that lies at the root of my rage.
-
replace
this irrational thinking with appropriate rational alternatives.
-
honestly
analyze the results of my fits of rage.
-
recognize
that such fits either go ignored yet perceived as offensive, or else they
intimidate others and are perceived as power plays, attempts to control
others.
-
identify
those "hot buttons'' that are likely to get me into a rage.
-
systematically
defuse these anger "hot button" issues through anger work-out.
Steps to eliminate my fits of rage
Step
1: I first must identify my level of risk for getting into
rage. To do this I will rate the following statements on a scale of 1 to 5
circling the number according to their impact on my life.
-
1
= never true
-
2
= sometimes true
-
3
= often true
-
4
= almost always true
-
5
= always true
1
2 3
4 5
( 1) I react
without thinking when I get angry.
1
2 3
4 5
( 2) I get
out of control when I get frustrated and angry.
1
2 3
4 5
( 3) I
strike or hit objects, walls, or people when I'm mad.
1
2 3
4 5
( 4) I was
abused physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually by my parents or other
significant others.
1
2 3
4 5
( 5) I am
known to be a violent acting person.
1
2 3
4 5
( 6) Acting
out in a fit of rage is the only way I ever saw anger expressed.
1
2 3
4 5
( 7) My
anger controls me rather than the opposite.
1
2 3
4 5
( 8) I get
an actual physical bodily response when I'm very anger.
1
2 3
4 5
( 9) I want
to kill someone, something, or myself when I'm out of control.
1
2 3
4 5
(10) I don't
believe people listen to me unless I get angry, shout, and pound my fist.
1
2 3
4 5
(11) I want to run
away or quit when I get angry.
1
2 3
4 5
(12) I have a hard
time getting calmed down after I've been angry.
1
2 3
4 5
(13) I feel guilt
and remorse after I have raged.
1
2 3
4 5
(14) I let people
see the ``dark'' side of my personality when I get angry.
1
2 3
4 5
(15) I have
several ``hot buttons'' which, when pushed, get me very upset rather quickly.
1
2 3
4 5
(16) I lose my
ability to speak clearly and accurately when I get angry.
1
2 3
4 5
(17) I feel like I
go crazy during a rage.
1
2 3
4 5
(18) I find that I
continually fume silently about things that anger me. I never seem to find a
release.
1
2 3
4 5
(19) I have a
tendency to view life as unfair, especially to me.
1
2 3
4 5
(20) I frighten
people with my show of anger.
1
2 3
4 5
(21) I try to keep
a lid on my anger but when it rises to the surface I can no longer control it.
1
2 3
4 5
(22) I don't make
the effort to do systematic anger work-out over what bothers me.
1
2 3
4 5
(23) I have no
idea how deep my anger goes.
1
2 3
4 5
(24) I have a chip
on my shoulder.
1
2 3
4 5
(25) I hold
grudges against people.
1
2 3
4 5
(26) I only know
one way to show my anger: to explode.
1
2 3
4 5
(27) I feel that
my rights are continuously being ignored.
1
2 3
4 5
(28) I am
overwhelmed by the unfairness of life.
1
2 3
4 5
(29) I don't
believe that people listen to me.
1
2 3
4 5
(30) I feel like a
loser in life.
1
2 3
4 5
(31) I feel like
my anger is always at the surface ready to explode.
1
2 3
4 5
(32) I was
extremely hurt in my past life, and I am often reminded of the pain.
1
2 3
4 5
(33) I have
unresolved anger.
1
2 3
4 5
(34) I get upset
when I see others being treated unfairly.
1
2 3
4 5
(35) I am
embarrassed by the ways I show my anger.
____ My score
Add
the ratings on each of thirty-five items above. Compare my score to the level of
risk.
-
Score
Interpretation
-
35-70
Mild risk of fits of rage
-
71-105
Moderate risk of fits of rage
-
106-140
Marked risk of fits of rage
-
141+
Severe risk of fits of rage
If
I am at a mild risk I need to continue my attempts to prevent fits
of rage.
If
I am at a moderate risk I need to develop strategies to inhibit my
rage when it erupts.
If
I am at a marked risk I need to develop ways to overcome the
negative impact of my rage and learn to redirect my anger.
If
I am at a severe risk I am so out of control that I need to not
only develop means to lessen the damage resulting from my rage, but I need to
get help from the "support'' people in my life to develop ways to divert my
uncontrolled anger.
Step
2: After determining
my risk factor for rage, I need to clarify my feelings about my ``rage''
behavior. I will answer the following questions in my journal:
A.
What is my level of risk for rage? What does this say about how I deal
with my anger?
B.
What factors increase my level of risk?
C.
How do the people in my life react during my fits of rage?
D.
What are the negative consequences of these fits?
E.
How do I explain my rage? Why do I have these fits?
F.
What do I experience when I am in one of these fits?
G.
What do others call my fits of rage? How does this make me feel?
H.
Do I experience guilt after one of these fits? What do I do about these
feelings? Do I deny or minimize their impact?
I.
How does my initial silent withdrawal into anger tie into these fits of
rage?
J.
How do my blocks to anger fit into this scenario
K.
How does my personal behavioral script relate to
L.
Are there factors in my upbringing in my family of origin, to account for
my fits of rage? List them
M.
How was anger dealt with in my family of origin? Who in my family had
similar fits of rage?
N.
How do I react to others during their fits of rage with me?
Step
3: I now need to
address my "hot button'' issues. I will review the following
list of potential hot buttons and circle the rating for each according to its
intensity for me.
Intensity
of Heat Hot Button Issues
1
2 3
4 5
( 1) injustice
toward me or others
1
2 3
4 5
( 2) having
my ideas ignored
1
2 3
4 5
( 3) feeling
put down
1
2 3
4 5
( 4) being
laughed at or made fun of
1
2 3
4 5
( 5) being
misunderstood
1
2 3
4 5
( 6) being
left out, not chosen
1
2 3
4 5
( 7) sensing
unfairness to self or others
1
2 3
4 5
( 8) feeling
abused: real or implied; physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual
1
2 3
4 5
( 9) sensing
prejudice against me or my ideas
1
2 3
4 5
(10) people not
following my directions
1
2 3
4 5
(11) people not
doing as I requested
1
2 3
4 5
(12) not winning
in competition
1
2 3
4 5
(13) feeling
rejection
1
2 3
4 5
(14) feeling a
lack of approval from others
1
2 3
4 5
(15) sensing that
people don't respect me
1
2 3
4 5
(16) feeling that
my opinion is not valued
1
2 3
4 5
(17) being
considered stupid, incompetent, or ignorant
1
2 3
4 5
(18) being cheated
1
2 3
4 5
(19) being lied to
1
2 3
4 5
(20) being accused
of something I didn't do
1
2 3
4 5
(21) seeing the
fruits of my labor go unappreciated
1
2 3
4 5
(22) feeling like
a failure or a loser
1
2 3
4 5
(23) finding out
the truth about something I should have known; realizing that information was
deliberately kept from me
1
2 3
4 5
(24) being caught
off guard about the truth
1
2 3
4 5
(25) when others
jump to negative assumptions about me
1
2 3
4 5
(26) when I'm not
given a chance
1
2 3
4 5
(27) when my hard
work and efforts are not rewarded and I get no back up
1
2 3
4 5
(28) recognizing
that people less intelligent, less competent, and less creative than I have
become more successful than I
1
2 3
4 5
(29) never being
given a chance to "show my stuff'' or to succeed
1
2 3
4 5
(30) being called
a name or labeled something offensive
1
2 3
4 5
(31) being
reminded of my faults
1
2 3
4 5
(32) seeing my
faults in others, especially my offspring or protege
1
2 3
4 5
(33) recognizing
that I can't do something I want to do
1
2 3
4 5
(34) realizing
that people are deliberately making things tough for me
1
2 3
4 5
(35) feeling
intimidated
1
2 3
4 5
(36) feeling fat,
dumb, and ugly
1
2 3
4 5
(37) being unable
to connect with someone
1
2 3
4 5
(38) recognizing
that it is futile to continue to try
1
2 3
4 5
(39) realizing
that the barriers I'm fighting against are overwhelming
1
2 3
4 5
(40) watching
people turn away from me
For
items 41 to 50 fill in "hot button'' items specific to me. Rate the
intensity of their heat for me:
1
2 3
4 5
(41)
1
2 3
4 5
(42)
1
2 3
4 5
(43)
1
2 3
4 5
(44)
1
2 3
4 5
(45)
1
2 3
4 5
(46)
1
2 3
4 5
(47)
1
2 3
4 5
(48)
1
2 3
4 5
(49)
1
2 3
4 5
(50)
Step
4: For each of
the hot button issues with a rating of 3 or higher, I need to separately
complete the following "hot button detonator'' activity:
A.
To detonate a hot button I must:
-
(1)
clarify its ability to set me off into a rage.
-
(2)
clarify how this hot button influences other hot buttons that set me
off.
-
(3)
clarify the factors that contribute to this issue being a hot button.
-
(4)
identify the unresolved anger that underlies this issue.
-
(5)
identify those in my family of origin or past life who have
contributed to the intensity of this hot button
B.
Perform daily anger work-outs on the unresolved anger concerning this
specific hot button.
C.
Inform the support people in my life of this hot button and give them
permission to intervene when they see it has been pushed.
D.
Work on my self-love, sense of self-esteem, self confidence, and inner
security to diminish the importance of this hot button in my life.
E.
Take each hot button issue and write a positive visual imagery where I no
longer feel the heat.
F.
Write a description of each hot button issue and take the papers to
support group meetings. As each issue is detonated, I'll put the hot button
description in a bonfire and enjoy seeing it destroyed.
Step 5: Once I have
detonated each of my hot buttons, if I still have fits of rage, I need to return
to Step 1 and identify what hot button led to the fit of rage, and then
systematically detonate it. I need to detonate each hot button over and over
until I have eliminated my fits of rage.
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