 Tools
for Anger Work-Out
Pessimism and Negativity
Content:
How does pessimism and negativity affect my behavior?
When
I am negative or pessimistic I:
-
look
at the worst side of a situation.
-
say
what ``I'm not'' rather than what ``I could be.''
-
lack
the belief that I could change.
-
lose
hope in the future.
-
take
the opposing view in any positive conversation.
-
am
unable to make upbeat or uplifting comments about myself or others.
-
turn
all conversations into griping, complaining, or bitching sessions.
-
have
nothing good to say about myself or others.
-
complain
about the inequities of life.
-
try
nothing new or challenging because I feel that I will fail.
-
get
bitter over how people treat me - now and in the past.
-
put
down new, creative and inventive ideas as impossible.
-
limit
my horizons which results in limiting my personal growth.
-
take
no risks.
-
challenge
those who are looking for the ``up'' side of a tragedy, failure, or
disaster.
-
ridicule
those who believe in the power and mercy of their ``Higher Power.''
-
ridicule
attempts to rectify a dysfunctional situation.
-
resist
altering my way of thinking, because I feel nothing will help or make a
difference.
How do I feel when I am pessimistic or negative?
When
I'm negative or pessimistic I feel:
-
lonely,
abandoned, and isolated.
-
worthless,
empty, and of no value.
-
incompetent,
ignorant, and useless.
-
defeated,
beaten down, and lost.
-
betrayed,
cheated, and unwanted.
-
overwhelmed,
overpowered, and defenseless.
-
ignored,
invisible, and avoided.
-
like
a wimp, a loser, an outcast.
-
defiant,
rebellious, and attacking.
-
self-pitying,
self-loathing, self-deprecating.
What are the effects of my pessimism and negativity?
As
a result of my being pessimistic or negative I:
-
find
people avoid talking to me.
-
don't
enjoy my life and I get depressed when I think about my future.
-
find
it difficult to be a healthy problem solver.
-
don't
accept alternative solutions to problems.
-
am
told that I'm overly critical by my family, co-workers, and friends.
-
am
not a ``fun'' person to be around.
-
term
constructive criticism a "declaration of my worthlessness,'' and I fail
to see any value in the criticism.
-
keep
myself locked in a vicious cycle of "put downs,'' and "rejection.''
-
fulfill
the prophecy that "I'll never succeed in anything I try.''
-
put
a huge barrier between myself and others, one that is close to impossible to
overcome.
-
don't
open myself up to ideas about life that conflict with my negative beliefs.
-
am
disliked.
-
enjoy
a "yes, but'' mentality.
-
lose
faith in a Power greater than I because of the futility, wretchedness, and
misery I see in life.
-
become
rigid, one-sided, and stuck in my ways of interacting with others.
-
become
close-minded, single-minded and narrow in my focus.
What irrational thinking leads me to be pessimistic
or negative?
-
I
will never be successful.
-
I
can't do anything right.
-
People
will never change.
-
No
matter how much I change it doesn't make any difference; others don't
recognize the changes.
-
There
is no reason to have hope for the future; my past negative experiences tell
it all.
-
If
people can critique my changed behavior, then how can I ever be "good
enough?''
-
No
matter how much I change it is never enough.
-
Life
should be simpler.
-
Life
should be fair.
-
Life
should be easy.
-
There
is so much wrong in life how can I ever expect anything good to come my way?
-
There
is too much to do to change my life for the better. It's too hard.
-
All
of life is a "sham'' and there is no such thing as happiness, love, or
success.
-
Why
fight it? It's always the same: the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
-
Nothing
in life is certain except for death and taxes; why take a chance and change
my life now?
-
Why
can't others change? Why does it have to be me that changes first?
-
Why
can't life be easier on me?
-
My
parents are the reason I am the way I am; nothing will ever change that.
-
I'll
only lose if I take on the challenge to change my life.
-
People
are only nice to me to see what they can get from me.
-
Trust
no one; open up to no one; play if safe and keep to myself.
-
Nothing
in life makes sense except pain, suffering, and misery.
-
My
destiny is predetermined; I'll never be able to change it.
-
My
genetic, hereditary, and environmental beginnings are totally responsible
for what I do in life today.
-
Once
I am down, I will always be down.
-
All
people wear masks, and they are not to be trusted - even when they seem to
be nice.
-
What
I see is never what it seems so I never get what I see.
-
"There
is a sucker born every minute'' and I am the biggest sucker of them all for
believing in the goodness of others and the possibility of change in life.
-
I
was put on earth to die so why try to make more of life than what it is.
-
I've
been treated badly in the past, so why should I expect anything different in
the future?
-
There
is nothing new under the sun; why try to change things now?
-
I
will always be disappointed if I believe in the good will of others.
-
If
people loved and supported me, they wouldn't criticize or correct me.
-
It's
always the same: extend my hand in friendship and get it slapped in return.
-
No
matter how good a person I try to be, I always get screwed in the end.
-
There
are the "haves and the have nots.'' I can't change that.
-
I
am what I am and nothing will ever change.
-
If God loves the human race why does He permit illness,
disasters, tragedy, and calamities?
What causes my pessimism and negativity?
I
have a tendency toward pessimism and negativity because I:
-
experienced
a major tragedy or loss in my past and I haven't fully grieved and accepted
the loss.
-
have
a permanent disability that prevents me from experiencing life to the
fullest.
-
have
experienced a series of failures in school, work, family, life, or
relationships that have convinced me that I am a failure.
-
was
ignored and still am ignored by my family of origin; I am convinced that I
have to fight everyone to get my opinion heard.
-
feel
guilt over a past sin or mistake I made; this guilt blinds me from seeing
hope, the promise of redemption, or forgiveness.
-
would
rather attend a `"self-pity party'' than eat at life's banquet.
-
don't
want to change my thinking, feeling, and actions.
-
am
stubborn and don't want to accept help when others point out optimistic or
positive ways of looking at life.
-
am
lazy and realize that to change will take too much work, energy, and effort.
-
like
to be the center of attention. My current behavior draws a lot of attention
to me, even if it is negative.
-
refuse
to consider that I might be wrong by taking on my "causes.''
-
consider
those I come in contact with as stupid, ignorant, or irrational and believe
my way is the only way to be.
-
have
never experienced happiness, joy, or contentment; it's impossible for me to
attain.
-
have
never felt approval or recognition from the significant people in my life.
-
am
constantly reminded of my faults, shortcomings, failures, and lack of
successes.
-
give
others power over me to keep me feeling badly about myself, my life, and the
future.
-
don't
take steps to improve my self-esteem and self-worth.
-
constantly
give myself negative self-talk and negative visual imagery.
What can I do to overcome my pessimism and
negativity?
To
overcome my pessimism and negativity I can:
-
analyze
my behavior with my family, coworkers, friends, and others; I can identify
the negative and pessimistic behavior and their impact on me.
-
admit
that my pessimism and negativity is not a productive behavior.
-
identify
the feelings that precede my negative attitude; then those feelings I have
after the negativity.
-
recognize
that my emotional life suffers by negative behavior.
-
watch
for the reactions my negativity and pessimism elicits from others.
-
identify
how this behavior blocks my healthy interaction with others.
-
identify
the irrational thinking behind my negativity and pessimism.
-
develop
rational alternatives to the negative thinking.
-
recognize
that unresolved anger that lies at the root of my negativity and begin anger
work-out sessions to let go of that anger.
-
identify
the negative self-talk and visual imagery that keep me locked in my
negativity.
-
rewrite
and re-script my self-talk and the imagery.
-
pay
attention to me and begin to give myself the approval, recognition,
and acceptance I depend on from others.
-
empower
myself to be my own cheerleader.
-
refuse
to give others the power to bring me back to my depression and negativity.
-
revitalize
my spirituality and reconnect with my ``Higher Power.''
-
open
myself to the possibility that maybe I was wrong; that life is worth living;
that I can make a positive difference by taking control.
-
make
a commitment to reduce my stubbornness and laziness.
-
begin
the hard work of building my self-esteem.
Steps to overcoming pessimism and
negativity
Step
1: First I need to read the following story, then answer the questions
in my journal:
The
Story of the Pessimist and the Optimist
There
once was a major research project held at a world renowned university center.
The project was to develop operational definitions of a pessimist and of an
optimist.
The
researchers ran a national contest to identify the most optimistic and
pessimistic persons in the country. A little girl won in the pessimist category
and a little boy won in the optimist one. The researchers brought these two
children to the research center for the final observational portion of the
study.
The
pessimistic little girl was brought to the research laboratory where, in a large
room behind a one-way mirror, she was shown a room full of new toys. She was
told that each of the toys she played with over the next thirty minutes were
hers. All she needed to do was play with them.
She
looked at the research team skeptically as she entered the toy-filled room. What
happened that next half hour shocked and stunned the researchers. The girl
systematically opened every single box in the room and rejected each of the toys
in turn. The researchers heard her say things like: "These aren't new
toys.'' "These toys will never work.'' "There are no Harry Potter Toys
in here!""There are no batteries in here to operate these toys.''
"They'll never let me keep these toys.'' "I don't like these cutsey
sweetsy dolls.'' "The stuffing is coming out of these animals,'' etc.
When the thirty minutes ended the girl left the room toyless. Watching this
cheerless, lifeless, sour, bitter child leave the room carrying no toys, the
researchers had enough data for the operational definition of a pessimist.
The
researchers were worried after the dramatic display of the pessimist thinking,
``How will we ever be able to top this.'' They worked quickly on a strategy and
finally they brought the optimistic boy to the research lab. In the same room
behind a one-way mirror he was shown a roomful of horse manure. He was told only
that he would have thirty minutes in the room.
To
the amazement of the research team, the boy entered the room and dove into the
manure. He threw it all over the place. He was animated, excited, alive, and
happy. He kept digging and digging shouting with glee. He was ecstatic. The
research team members behind the one-way mirror were eyeing one another with all
knowing looks which meant, "Of course we know what an optimist is - an
optimist is psychotic.''
After
thirty minutes the little boy, who by this time was covered with manure from
head to toe, was brought to the head of the research team. The director of the
study asked, "Little boy, what was going on in there?''
The
boy with hopeful, excited eyes looked up and said, "Madame, with all
that horse manure, there just had to be a pony in there somewhere, and I was
sure I would find it!''
Questions:
A.
With whom do I identify, the girl or the boy?
B.
How is my behavior like the girl's? The boy's?
C.
What would I have done differently if I had been in the girl's shoes?
D.
What would I have done differently if I had been in the boy's shoes?
E.
How do I lose out on the free toys of life when they are offered to me?
F.
How hard do I look for the pony in my life?
G.
How reasonable were the girl's comments about the toys?
H.
How do I feel about the set-up by the researchers? In what ways was the
girl set-up to fail? In what ways was the boy set up to fail? Who was the
winner?
I.
How willingly do I accept the good things of life? What do I do when I
receive the toys of life such as compliments, reinforcement, recognition,
rewards, success, positive strokes, and gifts of love and kindness?
J. How often do I get
mired or stuck in the horse manure of life? How often do I seek out the pony?
What keeps me from looking for the pony? How afraid am I to be called psychotic
or out of touch because I look for the pony?
K.
What does this analysis tell me about myself? What part does pessimism
and negativity play in my behavioral pattern?
L.
I will analyze the components of this story as they relate to my life to
help me see how negative or pessimistic I am.
The
following items parallel my life:
| Story
Item |
Parallel
Item in my Life |
| University |
|
| Research
Team |
|
| Director
of Research |
|
| One-Way
Mirror |
|
| Toys |
|
| Manure |
|
| Girl |
|
| Boy |
|
| National
Contest |
|
| Operational
Definition-Goal of Research |
|
M.
How could this story have been different for me? What would I have done
differently from the boy, the girl, or the research team?
N.
What story in my life parallels this story and indicates my degree of
pessimism or optimism?
O.
I am pessimistic and I display it in the following ways:
Step
2: I will continue and answer the following questions
in my journal:
A.
What does my negative and pessimistic behavior look like?
B.
How does this behavior make me feel?
C.
What are the effects of this behavior?
D.
What irrational thinking is behind this behavior?
E.
What rational replacement thinking is necessary?
F.
What are the underlying causes for this behavior?
G.
How could I overcome my negative and pessimistic behavior?
Step
3: Once I've identified how I could overcome my
pessimism and negativity, I need to commit myself to a plan. Review the
following strategies for the plan:
Strategies
to Overcome Negativity
1.
Get support from others to remind me when I'm being pessimistic or
negative.
2.
Look for the pony in everything that happens to me.
3.
Accept myself as a human being who might slip back into old, tried and
true behavior.
4.
Select only positive people with whom to associate.
5.
Watch only TV shows and movies that are upbeat.
6.
Read only books and novels that reflect the upbeat, positive aspects of
life.
7.
Join a church and become active in a ministry to those less fortunate.
8.
Set aside at least 1% of my net income for charitable donations to people
who have permanent, lifelong disabilities.
9.
Volunteer to be a big brother or big sister to a lonely child or visit
someone in a nursing home.
10.
Volunteer four hours a month in a nonprofit agency that helps people less
fortunate than myself.
Step
4: After reviewing the ten strategies above, I need to
respond to these questions in my journal:
A.
How would these strategies help me to become more positive and
optimistic?
B.
How realistic are each of these strategies for me?
C.
How did I feel while reading these ten strategies?
D.
How comfortable am I in taking direct action to overcome my problems?
E.
What keeps me from doing each of these ten strategies?
F.
I will include the following strategies in my plan of action:
Step
5: I have reviewed the steps and the strategies I need
to implement a step-by-step plan of action. I'll use the following outline to
keep track of my progress.
Outline
for Overcoming Pessimism
and Negativity
I.
Current state of problem:
-
Toward
family
-
Toward
co-workers
-
Toward
friends
-
Others
II.
My feelings about this behavior:
III.
Reactions and feedback from others:
-
Family
-
Co-workers
-
Friends
-
Others
IV.
Present Irrational thinking:
V.
New thinking model:
VI.
Unresolved issues:
VII.
Negative thoughts:
VIII.
Replacement thoughts:
IX.
Self esteem activities:
X.
Strategies for positive behavior:
XI.
Support sought:
-
From
family
-
From
co-workers
-
From
friends
-
Others
XII.
Refocusing of spirituality:
XIII.
How to measure behavioral changes:
XIV.
Feedback about behavioral changes:
-
From
family
-
From
co-workers
-
From
friends
-
Others
XV.
Analysis of changes
Step
6: I will work on this outline to change
my negative behavior. I will analyze the changes. If I find that I am stuck in
negative thoughts and actions I will return to Step 1, and begin again.
I
will continue to look for the pony life has to offer me.
| 
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