Coping.org:
Tools for Coping
with Life's
Stressors
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| Things that make me angry: | Irritations: |
| are violations of my rights and of major consequence to me. |
are
violations of my rights, but to a lesser degree and of minor consequence
to me. |
| are often done by those close to me, i.e., members of my family, my co-workers, friends or neighbors. | are usually done by those not in a less significant relationship with me, i.e., clerks, taxi drivers, waitresses, customers. |
|
have
their roots in old scripts, past feelings of hurt and rejection. |
arise
on the spur of the moment, spontaneously. |
| require that I be assertive, often requiring repeated efforts at self-assertion. | are acts that are best handled by being assertive on the spot. |
| are things that I've tried to ignore, but they don't go away; they take a great deal of my energy and effort to resolve. | are uncomfortable, but can be handled with a minor amount of energy and effort. |
| are often the result of the frustrations of facing chronic irritations. | are often others' habits that happen to grate on my nerves. |
| arouse my emotions regardless of my mood and these violations cannot be ignored. | are more a result of my of my mood; i.e., today I might not be bothered, but tomorrow, if I'm tired, hungry, or depressed, I might get upset. |
I
will read the following list of irritations and rate each one on the following
scale from 1 to 5 as to its impact on my life.
1
= no irritation
2
= mild irritation
3
= moderate irritation
4
= marked irritation
5 = severe irritation
1
2 3
4 5
( 1) Waitress
gets my order mixed up.
1
2 3
4 5
( 2) Co-worker
comes to work late without calling.
1
2 3
4 5
( 3) Bus or
taxi passes me as I try to call or wave it down.
1
2 3
4 5
( 4) People
are talking behind me in a movie.
1
2 3
4 5
( 5) People
are smoking in a non-smoking section.
1
2 3
4 5
( 6) Waiting
in a long line as people try to push ahead of me.
1
2 3
4 5
( 7) An
airplane, train, or bus connection is missed.
1
2 3
4 5
( 8) A
client is late for an appointment without calling.
1
2 3
4 5
( 9) An
event begins between 15 and 30 minutes late.
1
2 3
4 5
(10) An event
begins between 30 and 60 minutes late.
1
2 3
4 5
(11) An event
begins more than one hour late.
1
2 3
4 5
(12) I wait and
wait for a clerk to assist me.
1
2 3
4 5
(13) I have to
wait in my doctor's office more than 30 minutes past the time of my appointment.
1
2 3
4 5
(14) People are
making noise outside of the room where I am trying to sleep.
1
2 3
4 5
(15) An airline
loses my luggage.
1
2 3
4 5
(16) The weather
is lousy on my vacation.
1
2 3
4 5
(17) The sun isn't
shining.
1
2 3
4 5
(18) It is
raining.
1
2 3
4 5
(19) A store is
sold out of an item I wanted to buy.
1
2 3
4 5
(20) A pushy
salesman is urging me to buy something.
1
2 3
4 5
(21) Someone nags
me to stop a behavior I enjoy.
1
2 3
4 5
(22) I misplace my
keys and can't get into my car, house, or office.
1
2 3
4 5
(23) Someone cuts
me off in traffic.
1
2 3
4 5
(24) Someone in
traffic calls me a name.
1
2 3
4 5
(25) I get an
unsolicited phone call from a salesperson.
1
2 3
4 5
(26) My mail box
is loaded with junk mail.
1
2 3
4 5
(27) I arrive
somewhere and I find it closed.
1
2 3
4 5
(28) I am put on
hold when calling someone on the phone.
1
2 3
4 5
(29) I get a crank
call after I have gone to sleep.
1
2 3
4 5
(30) Someone is
making loud eating noises.
1
2 3
4 5
(31) Someone is
cracking gum loudly.
1
2 3
4 5
(32) Someone
smells (body odor or strong perfume).
1
2 3
4 5
(33) A store is
crowded.
1
2 3
4 5
(34) A hotel has
no vacancy.
1
2 3
4 5
(35) My car runs
out of gas.
1
2 3
4 5
(36) My car gets a
flat tire.
1
2 3
4 5
(37) My car breaks
down.
1
2 3
4 5
(38) I lose
something worth less than $5.
1
2 3
4 5
(39) I lose
something worth $5 to $20.
1
2 3
4 5
(40) I lose
something worth more than $20.
1
2 3
4 5
(41) People don't
recognize me even though I've been introduced to them before.
1
2 3
4 5
(42) When I've
raised my hand to be recognized and a person doesn't call on me.
1
2 3
4 5
(43) When a public
speaker cannot be heard.
1
2 3
4 5
(44) When a clerk,
or waiter, treats me crudely, or disinterested.
1
2 3
4 5
(45) When someone
doesn't laugh at my joke.
1
2 3
4 5
(46) When I get
lost in a "new'' place, because of poor directions I've been given.
1
2 3
4 5
(47) When I have
to repeat what I have just said.
1
2 3
4 5
(48) When a menu
lists no prices.
1
2 3
4 5
(49) When I can't
understand the language a person is speaking to me.
1 2 3 4 5 (50) When someone dresses or acts in a way I find repulsive.
For
the next ten items, fill in specific irritations for me and rate them:
1
2 3
4 5
(51)
1
2 3
4 5
(52)
1
2 3
4 5
(53)
1
2 3
4 5
(54)
1
2 3
4 5
(55)
1
2 3
4 5
(56)
1
2 3
4 5
(57)
1
2 3
4 5
(58)
1
2 3
4 5
(59)
1
2 3
4 5
(60)
When
irritated, I experience any or all of the following:
Peeved,
anxious, panic stricken, amazed,
Upset,
nervous, fuming, surprised,
Bothered,
worried, embarrassed, despondent,
Frustrated,
shaken up, stupid, vengeful,
Hostile,
``ticked'' off, betrayed, dismayed,
Agitated,
angry, undesirable, disconcerted,
Uncomfortable,
explosive, ignored, flustered,
Upset,
befuddled, confused, cynical,
Disbelieving
When
irritated, I do any or all of the following:
take the blame
overreact
yell or scream
do a slow burn
leave or storm out
take charge
demand attention
blame others
make excuses
deny it
ignore it
ask others to handle it
pretend it didn't happen
worry about it
ask for help to deal with it
take action to resolve it
I
usually don't take direct action when I:
am embarrassed to admit that I'm irritated.
don't want to embarrass those causing the irritation.
feel it would be better to drop it; make no big deal over it.
fear an argument or a fight will come of it.
fear confrontation.
believe I deserve what happened.
believe that it was my fault.
am out of touch with my feelings.
can't decide how I should feel: angry or compassionate.
am busy ``looking good'' for others.
become confused and can no longer think clearly.
experience a
shut-down of creative juices.
cannot rapidly
problem-solve myself out of the situation.
I
overreact to an irritation when I:
have been irritated by this same thing so many times. Can't anyone ever
learn?
misread the situation and take it personally.
am in a bad mood, either exhausted, overworked, or depressed, and feeling
sorry for myself.
have had it; this is just one too many irritations for one day.
want to get revenge for the negative attitude of those involved.
am reminded by the person involved of someone whom I despise.
displace my anger on the irritating person instead of finding the real
culprit.
feel that my requests to stop this behavior have gone ignored.
initially reacted passively, then realized how I am being taken advantage
of.
feel confused and out of control.
begin to feel that this irritation is part of a plot to drive me crazy,
or make me fail, or lose.
For no reaction to irritations:
I must always look good to others.
It is bad to take my anger out on others.
What would others think if I got mad?
There is no sense in getting upset.
Why let a little thing like this get to me?
It doesn't pay to let others know when their behavior bothers me.
I always end up a loser when I let others know what irritates me.
It is important for people to see me as ``free and easy'' and ``laid
back.''
No one cares how I feel anyway.
If I show my feelings about this, then they will always know how to get
to me.
For overreaction to irritations:
Everyone is out to get me.
Little things add up to big problems.
I have always been taken advantage of in my life.
Why can't I be a winner at least once.
It is more important to ventilate my anger than to get an ulcer.
It doesn't matter who gets the brunt of my anger as long as I feel good
afterwards.
I'll never allow anyone to ``put one over'' on me.
I have to be on the alert; I might be taken advantage of again.
No one will ever irritate me like that again.
Things like this have a way of messing up my life.
First:
Specify the problem
1. Identify exactly when I get irritated.
2. Identify the feelings I experience.
3. Identify the behavior or circumstance that creates irritation for me.
4. Identify what in my past history is similar to this experience.
5. Identify each element of the irritation. Am I:
out
of control
embarrassed
experiencing
a time delay
overwhelmed
confused
being
seen as stupid or dumb
experiencing
a violation of my rights
being
ignored
being
devalued
feeling over
powered
6. How much power have I given this situation? Does it affect my thinking?
Emotions? Behaviors?
7. What it is about the situation, those involved, and the circumstances
that I give them so much ``power'' over me.
8. What irrational thinking am I going through as I try to deal with the
irritation?
Second:
Defuse the moment
1. Slow down in my responses. Take time to complete the problem analysis
above before I react.
2. Ventilate my anger, either on my own in my head, or in a place away from
the cause of the irritation. Allow myself to experience the anger ventilation.
Try not to ventilate it on another person. Don't be explosive.
3. Script an assertive response to the irritation. Let others know I am
angry, hurt, or offended by their behavior. List the corrective action I would
like to see happen.
Third:
Take assertive action
1. Once
I have exhausted my explosive anger, temper, and emotional response, I am ready
to confront the source of my irritation in an assertive style. I would then:
Openly state that:
I am upset or angry because:
You did:
This happened:
I feel that I deserve better than this
Please do the following to correct the situation:
2. Address the source of irritation openly with clarity of speech and
expression.
3.
Admit my humanness in that I am fallible and subject to negative emotions
when things don't go the ``way they are supposed to.''
4. Invite the source of the irritation to brainstorm solutions with me.
Decide on a ``win-win'' solution.
5. Take control of my reactions so that the source of irritation is not
given the power to intimidate, bully, or threaten me so that I eventually back
down from resolving the irritating circumstance.
6. Give myself permission to pursue the confrontation until I feel
resolution and closure.
Fourth:
Take action again
Once
I've confronted an irritation openly I will:
be able to handle similar irritations in the future.
believe in my power to control my response to irritations.
face irritations assertively, better prepared to deal with negative
situations.
rehearse and visualize myself being successful in handling irritation in
the future.
continue anger work-outs to openly ventilate my anger in a healthy way
and defuse future irritation.
Step
1: I first need to clarify how irritations differ from those things that
truly anger me. I will respond to the following in my journal:
A. What do I
believe is the difference between those things that irritate me and those that
truly anger me?
B. How
is my behavior different when I am irritated than when I am angry? Is there a
difference?
C. How are
my feelings different when I am irritated than when I am angry?
D. What do I
do differently when I'm irritated than when I am angry?
E. What
signs point to irritation rather than anger for me?
Step 2: Once I've differentiated my anger from irritation, I need to identify and rate the intensity of the irritations in my life by completing the Irritation Self Assessment.
Step
3: For each of the irritations in the survey that I rated
3 or higher, I need to answer the following questions in my journal:
A. How
do I normally react to this irritation?
B. How do I
feel when this irritation arises?
C. What
people are usually the source of this irritation?
D. When
does this irritation usually arise?
E. Where
does this irritation usually arise?
F. What are
my reasons and irrational beliefs that account for (1) my taking no action
and/or having no reaction, or (2) my overreacting to this irritation?
Step 4: For each of the irritations in the survey that I rated 3 or higher, I need to apply the Actions I can take to handle irritations in the future.
Step
5: After I've worked out the healthy steps to handling irritations for each
one I've identified, if I am still unable to handle these, I need to return to
Step 1, and begin again.
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Tools
for Anger Work-Out
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is a Public Service of James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D.,
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